Author: UncaScroogeMcD

GRAND BAHAMA ISLAND – Why do critic groups ignore the finest moment in cinema this year? Can anyone rate up with Anna Faris’ performance in Smiley Face? Could Meryl Streep or Kate Winslet have pulled off playing an entire movie as if they ate a dozen cupcakes loaded with pot? Nope. But Anna is amazing in the most messed up role of the year that doesn’t involve being naked near Mickey Rourke.

Faris’ imaginary conversations with the late Roscoe Lee Browne (Soap) should be taught in acting schools. She has a magical blankness in the stare when keeps zoning out. Her ability to run like a cast member of Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp must be praised. It’s hard to believe that Faris didn’t rehearse the entire film after smoking a Tommy Chong-sized joint to memorize her actions for when the cameras rolled. It’s hard to maintain a buzz while waiting for the gaffer to tweak the lamps. Although I’ll guess that at the wrap party, every gaffer wanted to get high with her.

Some may argue that this is a 2007 release based on an extremely light theatrical release. Where did this film play? A peep show booth in Butte, Montana? If Roger Ebert can list films that came out in 2007 as a best of 2008, so can I. Does this film play well on the big screen> It’s the perfect size for my TV when it routinely pops up on pay channels at 2 a.m.

Smiley Face is a stoner film with a proper warning message to the kids. There is a danger to eating pot laced baked goods. They create a vicious circle since you get high, you have the munches so you eat more pot laced cupcakes and get even more high. And that leads to eating more cupcakes. It’s not a pretty picture when you become “motion sensitive.” Also getting really high and attempting to bake more pot cupcakes isn’t a good idea. These are drug education messages that kids really need to know. Don’t bake and bake.

The movie is loaded with plenty of famous cameos like The Love Boat smashing into Reefer Madness. Marion Ross looks ready to star in Happy Days: The Next Generation. Fans of The Office will finally know what Jim looks like while spanking off in the shower. He goes full release face on camera. Likewise The ’70s Show viewers will be scarred while watching Hyde humping a skull. The most stomach retching moment is merely a close up of Carrot Top.

I was going to link to the trailer, but it’s horrible. Just program your Tivo to snag it next time Smiley Face airs on your cable box.

Instead of an Oscar, Anna Faris deserves a postage stamp in Jamaica for Smiley Face. She’s the Queen of Comedy this year.

I’M BROKE LIKE ERIC ROTH

Bernie Madoff stole 2.3 billion dollars from the Party Favors Global Lengthwise Fold Charity Fund. I should have invested the money in Jar-Jar Binks Beanie Babies. I feel bad for all the school children who sent me their pennies in order to make the world a better place for strippers. But do we really expect someone like Madoff to care about the kids or the strippers?

This is what I deserve from believing the hype that Steven Spielberg is the smartest man in Showbiz. He put his holocaust charity bucks into the secure hands of Bernie. Why would Spielberg get fooled? Of course he’ll get his fat dough back when his musical production of the Flintstones hits Broadway. Or will that money be sent to Steven Spielrock’s Swiss bank account?

For all the talk about how lame and tired Hollywood is when it comes to recycling films; is there more creatively desolate landscape than the Great Blight Way? Why do they keep turning bad films into lame Broadway shows? Xanadu and Christine weren’t emotional rollercoasters begging for the stage. Did anyone really want Young Frankenstein to exist without Gene Wilder and Peter Boyle?

When a creatively bankrupt producer decides to remake a crappy film with bigger stars, they’re only forcing actors to do it once to capture it on celluloid (or HD). But a Broadway producer gets sadistic as they make actors repeat their performances each night to earn their bucks. Will Smith didn’t have to endure Wild Wild West the entire summer. Although that could be a good “community service punishment” for the crime known as Hancock.

Should the legit theater Marquees hype movie titles that belong at the buck cinema? Maybe next season we’ll get musical versions of Billy Madison, Jurassic Park 3 and Transformers.

CRYPT KEEPER’S BALL

“Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve With Ryan Seacrest” needs to have a Highlander moment. There can only be one name in that title. For once, I’m not rooting for Ryan to have his head chopped off by the World’s Oldest Teenager.

Ever since Dick survived his stroke a few years back, he’s insisted at being a part of the show> He sits in the warm confines of an indoor studio with a view of the Times Square action. It’s a sweet reminder that Dick has been a constant host for over 35 years on that special night. But his post-stroke appearances make him less animated than the Cryptkeeper.

I wouldn’t mind a kiss and wave moment from Dick right before the ball drops. Or a pre-recorded introduction for the hot new band. But Dick insists on giving himself prime chunks of live air time to chit chat with Ryan. It’s really hard to listen since he’s still in severe speech therapy mode. He’s not broadcast quality. If he was on Entertainment Tonight, they’d subtitle the interview. Dick Clark the producer would never allow a TV personality with the same issues as Dick Clark that much time on the air.

Perhaps it is the desire to host another New Year’s Eve show is what keeps the 79 year-old Dick Clark alive. But he kills the fun when he arrives on the TV screen. People at home are in a partying mood. They tune into the broadcast to know exactly when the ball drops instead of counting on a drunk hostess’ cuckoo clock that’s five minutes fast. They have champagne flowing and lips ready for kissing. And then there’s Dick Clark speaking like Frankenstein’s Monster. “Fire bad when Jonas Brothers follow Doobie Brothers.”

Dick needs to realize that he’s old enough to let go of this part of his life. I also give this advice to Carson Daly. He was outshined by a smashed beer cup. Kathy Griffin’s naughty moment on CNN about slapping something out a heckler’s mouth was such a letdown since it’s such an old rip. She needs to get with the 21st Century. She could have at least claimed the guy worked as a taste tester at Analeze.

SHOW IT

When is Bravo going to have The Real Househusbands of the Internet? Or are guys smart enough to avoid having their child raising skills hidden from the public?

My scummy source in the adult industry has told me that the hottest “get” celebrities are the older daughters from a certain reality TV family. “Duggar Girls: 69 and Counting” could easily outpace sales of Nailin’ Palin. John and Katie: Goin’ For Nine is their dream back up title.

VINCE SELLS IT

America has its second great TV pitchman. Vince selling the Shamwow and Slap Chop is moving into Billy Mays hallowed turf. Vince rocks the headset mic and has no problem going off the script during the demo. He shows us that his products make you want to party. What gets me is that he’s not merely talking to me, but giving business to the camera guy.

Plus he knows we all love his nuts.

What the hell is Vince’s last name? Perhaps that’s what makes him such a mysterious guy even after all those amazing things he tells us about the product. He seems to be like Tom Cruise’s Vince in The Color of Money. He’s the rock and roll hustler as seen on TV. Rumor has it that he’s Vince Offer, who directed The Underground Comedy Movie. Remember that movie being advertised on TV?

It’s good to have two Americans selling to us instead of importing another snotty Englishman. I don’t see Vince as competition for Billy Mays, but a tag-team pal during the marathon commercial breaks. Odds are that Billy still has a shot at a political career as a Vice President. Somebody ought to do a spoof of The Color Of Money with Billy Mays as Fast Eddie and Vince as Vince. Or maybe Ron Popeil training Vince to take on Billy Mays at a swap meet showdown? You can still call it “The Color of Money.” Or “How Long Was My Pocketfisherman?”

BURN IT OFF

Is Jillian Reynolds (formerly Barberie) dark enough to get her own Univision sitcom? Did I miss the memo that she’s up for the lead for Broadway’s adaptation of Spanglish? She needs to get on Celebrity Rehab in order break her tanning habit. George Hamilton has volunteered to conduct the Intervention episode. For her own good, she needs to lighten up.

BOTH SIDE OF THE ROAD

North Carolina Beats Duke is the perfect gift for UNC basketball fans. The boxset contains three complete games featuring the Tarheels pulling out tight wins over Coach K. and his Blue Devils. A contest from March 1984 has Michael Jordan taking Duke into two overtimes before claiming victory for Dean Smith. The second game is from 1992 when UNC spanked Christian Laettner. The guy choked on the charity stripe with the game on the line. Tarheel’s center Eric Montross iced the game with blood dripping from his face. They don’t let you play with bleeding wounds anymore. The final game is from 1995 when Rasheed Wallace and Jerry Stackhouse shut up the Cameron Crazies in another double overtime game. These are the original broadcasts with all the action and none of the car ads.

Duke Beats Carolina gives the other side of the Tobacco Road Rivalry. Now if you cheer for Coach K, you’ll get glee seeing UNC’s whine and cheese crowd crying in their cushy leather courtside seats. A game from 2000 has Shane Battier and Carlos Boozer deflating the Dean Dome in overtime. From 2004 comes the first Coach K vs. Roy Williams battle. Guess who pulls this one out in overtime. The final game is a nail biter with J.J. Redick following the coach’s plan. Both sets will get you extremely excited even though you know the outcome.

BLU-RAY HEAVEN

Without A Paddle: Nature’s Calling Blu-Ray deserves high definition love just for the shot of a squirrel chugging straight out of the keg. This is not really a sequel to the original film that starred Seth Green and Dax Shepard. This has two relatively unknown actors heading into the wilderness in pursuit of an almost lost love. It’s just complete goofiness that has a greenie message since the love interest wants to save nature. The film also stars NFL Hall of Famer Jerry Rice. The San Francisco legend is now a thespian. Perhaps soon the dancing wide receiver will be making a Tyler Perry film. The highlight of the movie is the squirrel attacking a keg like a sophomore at Party Headquarters. The bonus features include a blooper reel that shows Rice is ready to challenge Howie Long in the acting field. “The Furious Nuts” short gives us the truth behind working with squirrels.

DVD SHELF

Matlock: The Second Season brings more deep fried Southern-style law from Andy Griffith. The big change for this sophomore outing is Matlock’s daughter (Linda Purl) splitting for Philadelphia. He hires Cassie Phillips (Kari Lizer) to be his legal back up. Tyler Hudson (Kene Holliday) is back as his real feet on the ground when it comes to finding the evil people who set up Matlock’s clients. There’s numerous recognizable guest stars in this boxset. Billy Mumy is no longer Lost In Space when he lands in “The Genius.” Ralph Bellamy, Robert Culp and Scott Bakula mix it up in “The Power Brokers.” “The Annihilator” stars Dick Butkus as a pro wrestler accused of killing his ring rival. Chick Hearn announces the action. Only seven more seasons left to complete the series.

This American Life: The Second Season features another 6 installments of the popular NPR radio series brought to video by Showtime. The highlight is “John Smith” which attempts to tell the story of a life using numerous John Smiths of various ages from across America. It’s an engrossing experiment. A single life does come out of these same name participants. “Going Down In History” examines a jail break with the convicts using dental floss to make their escape rope. Ira Glass really needs to make more of these episodes. This American Life The Second Season is exclusively being sold at Borders bookstores.

Funny Face – Paramount Centennial Collection shares a blissful 103 minutes with Audrey Hepburn. She’s swooped up from her lowly bookstore job to become a super model in Paris. Her photographer is Fred Astaire. The music and dancing propels this movie into the high fashion zenith. Audrey strikes more perfect poses than a season of America’s Next Top Model. The 2 DVD set includes a bonus feature about Vistavision that should be seen by fans of cinematography. Learn the secret of the film that went through the camera sidewise. “Kay Thompson: ‘Think Pink’” reveals the life of this amazing performer. “The Fashion Designer and His Muse” exposes the wardrobe love between fashion designer Herbert de Givenchy and Hepburn.

Breakfast at Tiffany’s – Paramount Centennial Collection is the ultimate Manhattan partygirl movie. Holly Golightly (Audrey Hepburn) is a force of nature who bursts into her neighbor’s life. Paul Varjak (George Peppard) is a writer who slowly discovers the truth about the girl who recreated herself for the Big Apple scene. Their strange romance plays out with Henry Mancini’s lush score and “Moon River” song. The only bad move in the film is the casting of Mickey Rooney as a Japanese neighbor. It’s a squirm time when he’s on the screen. There’s a great array of bonus features on the two disc set including a history of the film and Tiffany’s. “Mr. Yunioshi: An Asian Perspective” allows people to complain about Mickey Rooney’s role in the film. “Behind the Gates: The Tour” is a quicky trip around Paramount studio.

My Three Sons, The First Season, Volume Two allows us 18 more episodes that bask in the greatness of William Frawley. What happens when Fred Mertz (I Love Lucy) has to raise three boys while their absentee father spends why too much time at work and working the ladies? You get the best grandfather in TV history in Frawley. As I watch these episodes, I really hate Fred McMurray. Sure he means well with his sons, but there’s a strange distance between them. This boxset contains the final 18 episodes of the first season. “Man in a Trenchcoat” has dad away for the night (big surprise) and the kids get creeped out by a stranger. Dad thinks his son is spy crazy. “Organization Woman” has McMurrary’s sister arrive and mess up William Frawley’s routines. “The Horseless Saddle” has Frawley get a saddle in the mail. Is this a secret message from Ethel? The shows switch in tone from comical to serious family dramas so you never quite know what to expect.

Walker, Texas Ranger The Complete Sixth Season opens up another can of Chuck Norris whoopass. Why did criminals even think of coming to Texas? Didn’t they know after five seasons that they had no chance of being a success? Chuck isn’t always about knocking heads with his cowboy boots. “Lucas” has him helping a boy stricken with AIDS find his mother. “Brainchild” has a super genius kid forcing Walker to help him find his mother. He was all about finding some mommies this season. Walker busts up illegal medical testing on nursing home patients in “Forgotten People.” “The Last of a Breed” has Norris play a legendary Texas Ranger. He’s diverse that way. John Beck (Rollerball‘s Moonpie) pops up at “Rainbow’s End.” Chuck Norris lands 23 episodes of kung fu crime fighting that Conan O’Brien will love.

Burn After Reading would have been a complete disappointment except for a genius case of casting. Sledge Hammer (David Rasche) and Oz‘s Vern Schillinger (J.K. Simmons) finally meet. It’s the rabid lawman reporting to the Aryan Brotherhood’s main man. Good versus evil meet over a desk at the CIA headquarters. Did the Coen Brothers really know what they were doing? This goes up with Donald Duck and Daffy Duck facing off in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Although it’ll be nice when the Coen brothers decide to show us the third act play out.