HAMSTERDAM, MD – News at 4:20. As part of the celebration for the upcoming season of Weeds, Glick University polled over 4,000 Americans about what TV News personalities they wanted to see get high during a broadcast.
Naturally there were ground rules including the disqualifications of news organizations that contain notorious on air potheads. This meant no votes were collected for the cast of The Daily Show, Colbert Report and Fox and Friends. You think Steve Doocey is sober? Hard to think that any of those folks have eyes that aren’t pied 24-7.
10, Bill O’Reilly (Fox News) had a lot of folks who reacted that it’d be like, “Dude, I’m getting high with dad.” Of course this initial elation is cut down with the horrifying fact of “Dude, I’m getting high with dad and it’s just not someone I need to party with.”
Rick Sanchez (CNN) had plenty of folks wanting to know what it’d be like to get him smoked up and then zap him with a taser.
Larry King (CNN) had many of the ladies want to use his suspenders as roach clips.
Dylan Ratigan (MSNBC) got a lot of pity votes from people who think he needs to calm down with a little smoke. Dylan better plan letting his bong get a cap and trade agreement.
6 Maria Bartiromo (CNBC) since everything goes smooth with the Money Honey.
Anderson Cooper (CNN) messing up his hair was the big preoccupation. Plus they figure he could use his reporter vest as a stash.
George Stephanopoulos (ABC) hit it big with numerous people wanting him to get so wasted that he can’t even pronounce his last name.
3. Katie Couric (CBS) want to see if she can make a bong out of Edward R. Murrow’s old microphone.
2 Rachel Maddow (MSNBC) just to get her blushing.
Glenn Beck cornered the market on votes. People wanted to see him go all freaky conspiracy theory with each toke. “Have you ever see the back of a Constitution… on WEED?” Most of his voters also believed after he gets a buzz, Beck will call every connection he had during his morning Zoo days and make it a blizzard in July.
Season Six of Weeds starts off August 16 on Showtime.
CLEVELAND ROCKED
For all those people in Cleveland whining about LeBron James leaving, shut up. You lost your true cultural genius when Harvey Pekar died. The only thing going for your city is Iron Chef Michael Symon. If he takes his pork plates to a bigger city, you might as well set the river on fire and walk away. Pekar’s American Splendor comic books made me like okra.
MEL’S COMEBACK
Party Favors Pictures is proud to announce we’ve just signed Mel Gibson to star in The Burning Bed 2: His Side of the Flames. This is going to be gold. He’s already agreed to sponsor a line of Mel Gibson Valentine’s Day cards. Mel knows what women want to hear.
ENOUGH
What cable channel in their right mind wants to make a reality show out of Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston? Do we really need to promote these famewhores who have turned their illegitimate baby into a cottage industry? Is this what really needs to be promoted in today’s culture? What’s the message of this show? That we want to make a “marriage” work for the sake of our TV careers? Can’t these people get jobs at Wal-Mart or Bob’s Salmon canning factory like their classmates? Must all their earning possibilities be tied directly to their tabloid induced profile?
MTV has already corned the market on high school sweethearts with babies. The only reason Levi got attention was his ability to trash talk Sarah Palin. Now he’s Grizzly Mom’s bitch boy. Who cares? After Bristol’s craptacular acting debut, she’s really not ready to perform on a “reality” show. She’s no Tori Spelling.
We’ve pretty much gotten rid of Heidi and Spencer with the cancellation of The Hills. Let’s keep these Alaskan Dimwits off the Boob Tube.
BLU-RAY HEAVEN
Yo Joe! G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero: The Movie kicks off with a massive battle between Cobra and the Joes around the Statue of Liberty. With all the bullets and lasers, how exactly did the landmark not end up looking like Lindsay Lohan? All the major characters and action figures get screen time. Don Johnson (Miami Vice) voices the new guy who needs to be whipped into shape. There’s only one man who can do that: pro wrestler Sgt. Slaughter. Cobra-La makes its presence known with it’s leader voiced by Burgess Meredith (Batman‘s The Penguin). The Blu-ray transfer cleans up the artwork. It’s like they’re flipping the cells right on the screen. This is much better than last summer’s live action G.I. Joe movie. Writer Buzz Dixon provides the commentary track. He lets us know the evil stories about Cobra Commander slapping the craft service guy over a raisin bagel. The best bonus feature is eight “Knowing Is Half the Battle” PSAs. They also provide a DVD of the movie so you can watch it in the car.
DVD SHELF
The Bong Joon-jo Collection proves that the South Korean director of The Host isn’t a one genre guy. He can do more than a mysterious monster attacking the city. The boxset contains The Host, Mother and Barking Dogs Never Bite. Mother is a legal thriller about son getting busted for murder. His mother swears he’s innocent and only guilty because of a lame lawyer and evil cops. She does her own investigation and gets an eyeful of what her son was doing without her. It’s an intense family thriller that keeps up the tension. Barking Dogs Never Bite is Bong Joon-jo’s first feature. The film is a dark comedy about a grad student tired of the barking dogs owned by the neighbors. If you hate your neighbor’s yapping mutt, you’ll be rooting for the insanity. All three films can be bought separately as well as in the boxset. Boon Joon-jo is a cinematic chameleon going from big monsters to little dogs without losing a beat.
Hawaii Five-O: The Ninth Season opens with the return of evil Chinese agent Wo Fat (Khigh Dhiegh). He orchestrates the heist of dangerous toxins at the University of Hawaii. When Steve McGarrett (Jack Lord) goes to Hong Kong in pursuit of Wo Fat, he loses his home court advantage. “Oldest Profession: Latest Price” has a pimp thinning out the hookers on the island. How is Ned Beatty involved? “Heads, You’re Dead” is based on the true crime of people who sign up as crew members on luxury yachts only to mutiny, kill the owners and resell the boats. The Five-O crew has to go undercover. “The Bells Toll at Noon” dares to let Rich Little impersonate a man out to kill all those responsible for a girl’s overdose. “Dealer’s Choice – Blackmail” brings us John Ritter (Three’s Company) as a gambler in a mess of problems and a cop sister. “Blood Money Is Hard to Wash” places Jo Anne Worley in a football team profit skimming scheme. Hawaii Five-O is still in it’s Island Justice groove. There’s only three seasons of the original left to be released.
Galaxy of Terror – Roger Corman Cult Classics is a mix of Alien and Love Boat. A crew is woken up for an emergency mission on a strange planet. They encounter their worst fear in the dark and shadowy settlement. Sound familiar? No need to look up since the spaceship is loaded with stars. Erin Moran (Happy Days), Ray Walston (My Favorite Martian), Robert Englund (Nightmare on Elm Street), Sid Haig (Devil’s Rejects), Grace Zabriskie (Big Love) and Zalman King (Red Show Diaries) are the crew. What’s more astounding is the production designer was James Cameron with Bill Paxton doing set decorating. Think of all the talent on a Roger Corman set. The strange thought is how a few years after making this knock off movie, Cameron was in the director’s chair for Aliens. It’s almost a dress rehearsal for him. The bonus features including various cast and crew talking about working with Cameron. Other bonus features focus on how they made this low budget intergalactic hell in a lumberyard. There’s also a Blu-ray with all the goodies.
Forbidden World: Roger Corman’s Cult Classics should not be confused with Forbidden Planet. Although it could slightly be confused with Galaxy of Terror. Director Allan Holzman told Roger Corman he had a movie idea based on the sets of the previous film. Roger still had the camera package and sent the plucky editor off to prove himself with a marathon one day shoot. After the first seven minutes were shot, Allan was given the green light to make a feature film. A bounty hunter arrives at a remote science lab on a distant planet. They need his help with an experiment known as Subject 20. Before you get grossed out with the mutant carnage, prepare to enjoy the nearly naked Dawn Dunlap and June Chadwick who hate their lab coats. These ladies get sweaty while hunting down the monster so naturally they need to shower. Not to spoil the movie, but the ladies do find the soap. The major bonus feature is the original director’s cut. Corman didn’t like the humor and snipped a few minutes before the theatrical release. There are plenty of interviews with the cast and crew about the film. If you want the 1080p glory, pick up the Blu-ray. Here’s a trailer of the film when it was released as Mutant.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: XVIII presents another four movies enhances with the wisecrack of a space traveler and his robot pals. “Lost Continent” brings the savage glory of rock climbing. Even with a cast headed by Hugh Beaumont (Leave It to Beaver and Cesar Romero (Batman‘s Joker), the rock climbing is terminal. There are dinosaurs. Joel discovers Hugh Beaumont is the fourth rider of the apocalypse. “Crash of the Moons” is three episodes of the Rocky Jones series. The best casting is John Banner (Hogan’s Heroes‘ Sgt. Schlutz). Jack Frost is a Soviet fairytale with high production status and freaky plotlines. The Beast of Yucca Flats is Tor Johnson’s greatest cinema work outside of Ed Wood films. He’s a Soviet scientist that gets caught in an atomic blast. The bonus feature includes a documentary about how the film was made. The best on the DVD is the short “Progress Island, U.S.A.” about setting up a factory in Puerto Rico. Mike Nelson and the Bots make even Ricky Martin cry with their wisecracks.
Sgt. Bilko – The Phil Silvers Show: Season One finally gives the military insanity properly. A few years ago they put out a nice compilation set, but that merely made me hungry for all 4 seasons of the iconic series. Sgt. Bilko (Silvers) is the ultimate hustler on Fort Baxter. He’s got every racket covered with the help of Harvey Lembeck (Beach Party) and Allan Melvin (The Brady Bunch). Cards, dice, booze, dances and every form of vice is provided by this leader of the outlandish. That’s not to say he wins every battle of wits, but he gets more than he gives. If you’re a fan of Hogan’s Heroes and Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C., you must partake of the glory that is Sgt. Bilko. The 34 episodes are spread over 5 DVDs. The bonus features include original cast commercials, the audition footage and commentary tracks from Melvin and George Kennedy. They even toss in a Lucy Show episode with Phil Silvers as the guest star.
Matlock: The Fifth Season brings more of deep fried legal thrilling from Andy Griffith. He’s the down home lawyer in Atlanta that loves his banjo and hotdogs. The show is set up this season so we know the killer before Matlock gets the case. “The Mother” has a woman get upset when her boss decides she’s not cutting it as his mistress. The boss ends up dead and the girl’s mom takes the fall. Matlock represents the mom, but doesn’t want her to make the false confession. “Nowhere to Turn” has Matlock charged with killing a judge that slapped him with a contempt of court. “The Madam” has Matlock hanging out with hookers that kill. “The Brothers” makes us ponder if you can convict a man on eyewitness testimony if he has a twin brother. It’s almost a Nip/Tuck episode since the murder victim is a plastic surgeon. “The Critic” has a legit theater reviewer dead and the main suspect be a horrible playwright. Will the screenwriter allow his peer to be the real killer? The highlight of the show is when Don Knotts appears as Matlock’s pal. It’s a mini Andy Griffith Show reunion worth of a smile on Abe Simpson’s face.
The Lucy Show: The Official Second Season brings color and Mr. Mooney. While the series was still being broadcast in black and white on CBS, Lucy sprung for glorious Technicolor. Now you can enjoy the wacky red head with actual red in her hair. There were major changes for Lucille Ball’s follow up to I Love Lucy. Mr. Mooney (Gail Gordon) was in charge of her late husband’s trust fund. Many of the episodes dealt with her begging for an advance on the money. Vivian Vance (I Love Lucy‘s Ethel Mertz) is still her divorcee roommate. The two get in plenty of trouble. Their kids get less screen time. The bonus features include cast commercials which mainly feature the kids and Viv pushing soap. There’s an interview with Barry Livingston about his working with William Frawley and Vivian Vance during this time. The big extra is a special Lucy did with Bob Hope that spoofs her running Desilu studio. It’s a fine present for the Lucy fanatic in your life.
The Superhero Squad Show: Volume 1, Quest for the Infinity Sword is Muppet Babies for Marvel Superheroes. What happens when the world’s biggest superheroes are drawn as little kids? It’s backyard mayhem in Super Hero City. There’s mini versions of Thor, Iron Man, Hulk, Wolverine, Falcon and Silver Surfer battling a mini-Dr. Doom and other tiny baddies. There’s a lot of humor in the scripts. It’s kinda like Tiny Toons in tone. The Cartoon Network series is aimed for the kids. Volume 1 covers the first seven episodes. This is a fun show to introduce the Marvel universe to a small child without overwhelming them with the adult mythology. The bonus feature is an interview with Stan Lee. He’s the geek version of Betty White.
Sabrina the Teenage Witch: The Final Season wraps up the magical series that starred Nick Bakay as a talking cat. The show was bound to come to an end since star Melissa Joan Hart was in her late 20s and not really a teenager. She and Soleil Moon Frye (Punky Brewster) move into the aunt’s old house. She wants to settle down. Bakay’s talking cat complicates things by getting her ex-crush to hit on her while she has eyes for a different guy. Not to spoil the action, but the finale involves a wedding. The big bonus is Sabrina Goes to Rome movie. Bakay went on to work on King of Queens.
Street Hawk: The Complete Series is the greatest TV show from the ’80s that you might have missed. Rex Smith (Solid Gold) rides around Los Angeles on a super motorcycle that can hit 300 mph and fire rockets to the tunes of Tangerine Dream. How did this only last 13 episodes? George Clooney gets his first big gig as Rex’s old pal who shows up in town around the same time a car theft ring goes into overdrive in “A Second Self.” Sybil Danning is on the run from mobsters in “Vegas Run.” She’s feisty even when she needs help from Street Hawk. The bonus features include an early cut of the pilot and a documentary that explains so much about the show.
The Job reminds us to be careful of temp agencies. Bubba (Patrick Flueger of 4400) is scrapping heard to get a gig. Ron Pearlman (Sons of Anarchy) tips him off to an employment agency run by Joe Pantoliano (Matrix). I’m not going to spoil Joe’s hair in this film. Turns out Joey Pant’s company isn’t merely looking for people to do minor jobs. Bubba takes the job since he’s got nothing else working for him. However the responsibilities of the position change. He really has to kill to impress his new boss. Director Shem Bitterman has done a fine twist on the genre. It’s a devilish nightmare about today’s unemployment issues. You can watch the trailer to get a sense of Joey Pants’ hair.
Acceptance touches upon the yearly crisis of picking the right college. Nowadays with the cost of tuition, you really should settle on the perfect school since you’ll be paying loans for the next 20 years. Taylor Rockefeller (Parenthood‘s Mae Whitman) can’t stand being pressured to apply to Yale by her mom (Joan Cusack). She wants a nice place. She also has a hobby that’s a felony. The movie also stars the guy who does those Fiber ads on TV. The movie gets to the sad truth that you need to find a place that won’t make you bitter about a massive student loan. Cusack adapts well to the mom role.
Children of the 70’s and 80’s remember well the overly-earnest, deadly-dry, unintentionally laughable educational films and programs that were a regular staple of the classroom. Well, the brilliant Peter Serafinowicz & Robert Popper have taken that fertile ground and crafted a magnificently bent parody in 
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I’m Ken Plume, and soon you’ll be listening to “A Bit Of A Chat” with me, Ken Plume.
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