Author: UncaScroogeMcD

  • QSE News: 4/12/2007

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    Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

    • qsnews.jpgTom Selleck, best known Magnum P.I., is in talks to become the leading man on the hit NBC show Las Vegas.  Selleck will be playing the owner of a casino in the city, filling in the void left by the departing James Cann.  Insiders are claiming that Selleck’s character will, in fact, be a ladies man despite the fact that he will be sporting his trademark “gay porn” moustache.
    • Michael Jackson has reportedly recruited rapper 50 Cent to help with Jackson’s upcoming album. The two will be collaborating on a song called “Trial of the Century” and will chronicle Jackson’s legal woes over the past several years. Insiders say that Jackson is excited to work with “Fitty” and hopes to learn all sorts of things from the rapper… like how to act like a man.
    • The Tennessee home of the late singer Johnny Cash has burned down.  The home, which Cash lived in till 2003, is currently owned by former Bee Gee singer, Barry Gibb. According to the police report, Gibb awoke with a Saturday night fever to discover a burning ring of fire in his bedroom.  Said Gibb, “I’m lucky to be stayin’ alive and that’s no jive talkin’.”
    • And fresh from his appearances on Smallville, actor Eric Johnson has signed on as the lead role in the SciFi Channel’s new Flash Gordon series, scheduled to debut this August. Johnson is excited to tackle the role, but expressed some concern as to how the show’s producers will get around his “no nudity clause” if he’s required to run around wearing nothing but a trench coat and a smile.

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    That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

    (Compiled by J. Allen)

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  • Quick Stop Thingamabobs: 4/12/2007

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    The web. It’s a big place, full of plenty of distractions ““ some funny, some informative, some ludicrous, some disturbing, some inane, some profound. Each and every weekday, we present links to a few of our favorite finds”¦

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    • Bugs & Elmer, shilling for Alpha-Bits… (Thingamabob)
    • Neil Cicierega, you frighten the bejeesus out of me… (Thingamabob)

    Have a THINGAMABOB? Send it in!

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  • QSE News: 4/11/2007

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    Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

    • qsnews.jpgThe man, the myth, behind the popular Girls Gone Wild video catalog has been jailed in Panama City. Joe Francis was ordered to surrender himself and serve time for contempt of court after walking out of proceedings to settle a four-year-old lawsuit. Francis said he only left the court room because the lawyers and judges weren’t acting “sexy enough” and refused to “look like they wanted it.”
    • One of the stars of Scrubs is now a newlywed.  John C. McGinley, who plays Dr. Perry Cox on the hit show, married yoga instructor, Nichole Kessler, on Saturday.  When asked why he decided to marry Kessler, McGinley re-iterated, “She is a yoga instructor.  Perhaps you missed that?  I mean, you can’t begin to understand the positions we can do in bed.  It boggles the mind.”
    • Model/ Actress Elizabeth Hurley is facing a possible jail sentence for her elaborate wedding held last month in Jodhpur, India.  Indian officials claim that Hurley’s wedding to Arun Nyar mocked Hindu traditions and the couple could face up to three years in prison if found guilty.  Prosecutors were set to meet today to determine if being forever know as the woman that drove Hugh Grant to a transvestite is punishment enough.

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    That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

    (Compiled by J. Allen)

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  • Quick Stop Thingamabobs: 4/11/2007

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    The web. It’s a big place, full of plenty of distractions ““ some funny, some informative, some ludicrous, some disturbing, some inane, some profound. Each and every weekday, we present links to a few of our favorite finds”¦

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    • How about a little cut from Sweeney Todd? (Thingamabob)
    • I love a good Chilly Willy cartoon to get over an otherwise work-intense Wednesday… (Thingamabob)
    • And while we’re at it, let’s close with a Woody Woodpecker short… (Thingamabob)

    Have a THINGAMABOB? Send it in!

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  • QSE News: 4/10/2007

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    Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

    • qsnews.jpgRadio personality Don Imus is in trouble for racist remarks he made regarding the Rutgers University championship women’s basketball team. Last week Imus referred to the team as nothing more than “nappy-headed hos.” Imus apologized saying he was told by his staff that “nappy” meant skill-oriented women and “hos” meant basketball players who can’t dunk.
    • In a sad bit of news, the rock group Kiss lost on of its members last Thursday night. Guitarist Mark St. John, 51, died of an apparent brain hemorrhage. The news has left many Kiss fans with the same question: “Who the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] is Mark St. John?”
    • David Goyer has apparently recovered from his failed attempt to launch a Flash movie by wooing Warner Bros. to sponsor a Green Arrow film. The film will put Green Arrow behind bars where he will face super villains he captured. Goyer said he will play up the violence and play down the salad tossing and rusty tromboning.
    • And finally today, the stars of the TV show King of Queens have filmed their last episode of the show which is scheduled to air next month. The series is ending because star Kevin James has opted out of the show to pursue a feature film career and because the show’s writers have completely run out of ideas to explain away how a fat, goofy-looking and unfunny man could be married to such a hot piece of ass.

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    That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

    (Compiled by J. Allen)

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  • Quick Stop Thingamabobs: 4/10/2007

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    The web. It’s a big place, full of plenty of distractions ““ some funny, some informative, some ludicrous, some disturbing, some inane, some profound. Each and every weekday, we present links to a few of our favorite finds”¦

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    Have a THINGAMABOB? Send it in!

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  • SModcast 9

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    SModcast is the meandering palaver of a pair of dudes whose voices are so dull, they don’t deserve to be on the radio (and, hence, aren’t). Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier are SModcast.

    The best thing about SModcast? It don’t cost nothing.

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    SModcast 9: Red, White, But Never Blue, eh. –

    In which our heroes pitch Canada on a new national slogan, suck off “Grindhouse”, predict a world gone mad in which the deaf prey on the blind, figure out that “Planet of the Apes” was more than an hour long, delve further into Scott’s home(s) and garden, revisit the skittish Wolfie, tell a tale of cross-breed passion betwixt a giant Yellow Lab and a miniature Dachshund, define the human cassolette, reveal dental hygiene as foreplay in the Smith household, pinpoint the time of day they’re more likely to couple, brainstorm an exercise regiment that’s predicated on murder, and find themselves troubled by the notion of fun.

    [CONTENT WARNING] SModcast features harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Listener discretion is advised.

    DOWNLOAD: (right click to save)
    SModcast 9 (MP3 format) – 60.21 MB

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    SUBSCRIBE
    Subscribe to this Podcast via iTunes
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    Wanna add your two cents? Spend it here, in the SModcast mailbag.

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    CLICK HERE FOR THE SMODCAST ARCHIVES

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  • QSE News: 4/9/2007

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    Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

    • qsnews.jpgThe Will Ferrell vehicle Blades of Glory was number one at the box office this past weekend for the second week in a row. The film’s originality and continued success will still surely spawn a number of copycat films in which downtrodden athletes battle against the odds to become champions… just like last week.
    • Fall Out Boy is postponing the start of the Honda Civic tour. Bass player and cheerleader Pete Wentz said the opening show was canceled for “personal issues.” Insiders were quick to note that although Wentz referred to them as “personal issues,” their names are actually Jennifer and Kelly.
    • Violinist Joshua Bell has won the coveted Avery Fisher Prize and a purse worth $75,000. The Avery Fisher Prize is so difficult to earn that the prize has not been awarded in three years. Bell won the prize despite being a wussy violinist.
    • Writer/Director/God Amongst Men Kevin Smith has finally revealed some plans for his upcoming horror film, Red State. Smith, known primarily for making comedies, is set to make his horror genre debut with an evildoer based on Kansas preacher Fred Phelps. Insiders are saying that to up the film’s horror and gore, Smith is considering casting Hilary Swank in the lead role.

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    That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

    (Compiled by J. Allen)

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  • Quick Stop Thingamabobs: 4/9/2007

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    The web. It’s a big place, full of plenty of distractions ““ some funny, some informative, some ludicrous, some disturbing, some inane, some profound. Each and every weekday, we present links to a few of our favorite finds”¦

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    • Little Lulu, Little Lulu, with freckles on your chin… (Thingamabob)
    • Kermit visits LeVar and Reading Rainbow(Thingamabob)
    • Jimmy Olsen, world’s best quasi-sidekick… (Thingamabob)
    • And after seeing the first one, you’ll want to see more of those Full House outtakes… (Thingamabob)

    Have a THINGAMABOB? Send it in!

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  • Monkey Talk with Paul Dini: Hippity Hoppity

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    -By Paul Dini & Rashy

    Paul Dini’s “Monkey Talk” (co-hosted by his irrepressible sock monkey son, Rashy) returns with a special Easter surprise. Be sure to check out Rashy’s official site at LittleRashy.com

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  • Scrubs Blog: My Animal Safari

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    VIDEO BLOG #81: “My Animal Safari” ““
    Here’s a look at season 6 from the perspective of all the various critters who have made an apperance – from kittens and fish to a rather scary-looking kimodo dragon.

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    Download Scrubs Video Blog #81:

    • Large (560 x 420 – QuickTime – 75.70 MB)
    • Small (320 x 240 – QuickTime – 32.93 MB)
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  • Weekend Shopping Guide 4/6/07: Bedazzled

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    The weekend’s here. You’ve just been paid, and it’s burning a hole in your pocket. What’s a pop culture geek to do? In hopes of steering you in the right direction to blow some of that hard-earned cash, it’s time for the Quick Stop Weekend Shopping Guide – your spotlight on the things you didn’t even know you wanted…

    There used to be a time on Comedy Central when you couldn’t hit the channel without catching what seemed like endless reruns of the original British edition of Whose Line Is It Anyway? (A&E, Not Rated, DVD-$49.95 SRP), the improv show that launched the careers of Ryan Stiles, Greg Proops, Colin Mochrie, Paul Merton, and many more before making its way across the pond. The first 2 seasons, uncut and uncensored (as you’ve never seen it on Comedy Central), are now available. That’s 29 episodes across 4 discs, as well as a behind-the-scenes interview with creators Dan Patterson & Mark Leveson. More, please!

     

    I’ve had to content myself with a Region 2 edition for the past few years, but I’m happy to say the Fox has finally gifted Region 1 with a nicely pristine widescreen edition of one of the great comic flicks of all time, Bedazzled (Fox, Rated PG-13, DVD-$19.98 SRP). No, I’m not speaking of the rather hideous Brendan Fraser remake, but the Peter Cook/Dudley Moore original. Peter Cook’s turn as a modern devil out to claim the soul of a rather hapless, hopelessly smitten Faust (Moore) with a desire simply to win the heart of the clueless object of his affection, is a beautifully sly turn. The disc also features Pete & Dud on The Paul Ryan Show, another interview with the pair, the original theatrical trailer, and a conversation about the film with the director of the remake (and man who should have known better), Harold Ramis.

     

    If previous seasons of Roseanne were button-pushing, then the sitcom’s 7th season (Starz Home Entertainment, Not Rated, DVD-$39.98 SRP) took a mallet to those buttons in a run that tackled pregnancy, abortion, nude neighbors, alcoholism, racial prejudice, dueling Beckys, a visit to Gilligan’s Island, and a gaggle of classic sitcom moms. The 4-disc set features all 25 episodes in their uncut glory (is it still too much to ask that they go back and fix the first season, that was released in its edited, syndicated form?).

     

     

    Though flawed, one of my favorite sports flicks of all time – which is saying something, considering I care not for sport – is director Barry Levinson’s The Natural (Sony, Not Rated, DVD-$24.94 SRP). It’s probably just because it overflows with underdog cliches, is shot in old timey vision, features a great performance from Robert Redford, and has an iconic score by Randy Newman. And now, newly-remastered and featuring 15 additional minutes, we get a director’s cut via a 2-disc special edition, which also sports a video intro from Levinson and 6 in-depth retrospective featurettes.

     

    Weird and wild and like a candle in the wind, Twin Peaks burned out extremely fast. From a landmark first season that paved the way for everything from Lost to Veronica Mars, it made the mistake of not knowing where to go when its central mystery came to a close. Judge or yourself with the release of the complete second season (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$ SRP), featuring all 22 episodes, fully remastered. Bonus features include brand new interviews with the cast and crew, as well as a complete set of Log Lady introductions.

     

    At the end of last year, to little fanfare (and overshadowed by the release of a season of her eponymous sitcom), Roseanne Barr released a children’s DVD called Rockin’ With Roseanne: Calling All Kids! (Anchor Bay, Not Rated, DVD-$14.98 SRP). It’s unfortunate that it went largely unnoticed, because it’s actually a fun, funny, music-filled disc that’s wonderfully reminiscent of the likes of Pee Wee’s Playhouse. All I know is that my 3 year-old nephew adored it, and I hope others discover this little hidden gem.

     

    The original witchy woman gets a CD/DVD collection with Crystal Visions: The Very Best of Stevie Nicks (Reprise, $24.98 SRP). No you can light the incense, get out the scarves, and dance in the moonlight to “Edge of Seventeen” and then go watch the video.

     

     

    It’s a feature-length outing for one of my favorite, underappreciated Cartoon Network series in Billy & Mandy’s Big Boogey Adventure (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$14.98 SRP), which finds Billy, Mandy & Grim battling the Boogeyman. What’s not to love? The DVD features interviews and the original Bully Boogie short.

     

     

     

    Dora continues her explorations with Boots in tow in another volume of Dora The Explorer that’s sure to delight my nephew. Shy Rainbow (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$16.99 SRP) collects 4 episodes, plus a Backyardigans music video.

     

     

     

    The Etherian adventures of He-Man’s twin sister continue in the second volume of She-Ra: Season One (BCI, Not Rated, DVD-$48.98 SRP), featuring 33 episodes of Hordak-fighting 80’s cheese. The 6-disc set also features the second installment of the “Stories of She-Ra” documentary, an episode commentary with J. Michael Straczynski, animated storyboards, image galleries, and more.

     

     

    Everyone’s favorite Tinseltown crew is back in the first set from the 3rd season of Entourage (HBO, Not Rated, DVD-$39.98 SRP), featuring 12 episodes full of sycophantic goodness and even better Ari rants. Vince is starring in Aquaman as Ari hits the rocks, and Drama eyes stardom on his own. The 3-disc set features a trio of audio commentaries and a featurette on the cast’s Vegas adventure.

     

     

    Going in, I thought a film about the fascinating, sometimes equal parts Orwellian and Machiavellian founding of the CIA would be a home run – and there are many reasons to enjoy the portrait of the 30-year career of one of the Agency’s founders in The Good Shepherd (Universal, Rated R, DVD-$29.98 SRP). Sadly, the film is just… well… boring. It’s not the actors – Matt Damon, as founder Edward Wilson, is quite good – but it lacks any of the sense of drive and intrigue that should be there. Is it a disaster? Not in the least. Could it have been better? Yes. Bonus materials include 16 minutes of deleted scenes.

     

    Those marvelously macabre critters return in the second volume of Happy Tree Friends first season (BCI, Not Rated, DVD-$14.98 SRP), featuring another 9 blood & irony filled segments, plus commentaries, storyboards, behind-the-scenes featurettes, and more.

     

     

     

     

    While I found myself enjoying a good deal of the lowbrow Chappelle’s Show comedy of its first season, the second season of Mind of Mencia (Paramount, Not Rated, DVD-$26.99 SRP) is just a mess. Rarely funny, self-derivative (I’ll leave the other assessments of Mencia’s jokes to Joe Rogan), and just… well… boring. It’s a shame, and it makes me miss Dave Chappelle all the more. The 2-disc box set features all 14 episodes, plus deleted scenes, bloopers, outtakes, and more.

     

     

    Long before the recent abysmal Robin Hood series hit the BBC, a much better representation of the tales of Hood and his Merry Men was to be found in the series Robin of Sherwood (Acorn, Not Rated, DVD-$59.99 SRP). A wonderful mix of history, myth, and a touch of magic, it’s a dynamic fusion that’s both engaging and adventurous (two things that the modern series sorely lacks). The 5-disc first set features all 13 episodes from series 1 & 2, plus commentaries on a trio of episodes, a pair of retrospective documentaries, a behind-the-scenes documentary, outtakes, and more.

     

    I know there fans of Tom Goes To The Mayor (Warner Bros., Not Rated, DVD-$34.98 SRP) who have been positively salivating for the release of the complete series on DVD. I’m not one of them. After seeing the first few episodes, I became tired of what quickly settled into a very basic formula that just left me cold. Still, there are those of you out there who enjoy it – and this is for you. The 3-disc set features all 30 episodes, plus deleted scenes, behind-the-scenes featurettes, promos, the original TGTTM shorts, a tribute to Bob Odenkirk, and more.

     

    So there you have it… my humble suggestions for what to watch, listen to, play with, or waste money on this coming weekend. See ya next week…

    -Ken Plume

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  • QSE News: 4/6/2007

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    Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

    • qsnews.jpgFirstly today, the classic game show The Price Is Right will soon have a different host for the first time in 35 years.  Insiders claim that the producers have narrowed their choice of host down to five people, including George Hamilton, Mario Lopez and Mark Steins.  Current host Bob Barker has announced his retirement from the program and is expected to tape his final show in June, at which point he “won’t give a flying [EXPLETIVE DELETED] whether or not you spay or neuter your animals.”
    • Actor George Clooney reportedly paid a local Tobaccoville, North Carolina girl $20 for a glass of lemonade from a make-shift stand. When asked about the star’s generosity, the little girl was overhead saying “A lousy [EXPLETIVE DELETED] $20? That’s all Mr. Big Shot movie actor could afford? I’m really glad now that I pissed in that pitcher.”
    • Michael Jackson is reportedly taking legal action to stop a proposed auction of Jackson family memorabilia.  The auction, which is set to take place next month in Las Vegas, is listing 1,100 items from the family including the gold record from Thriller and a hand written lyric sheet to the Jackson 5’s hit song “ABC.”  Jackson is most upset about several personal items that are to be in the auction, including his expansive collection of Under-roos, several bottles of candy flavored wine and his original nose.
    • In a recent poll by SFX Magazine, 3000 voters picked the film Serenity as the best sci-fi film of all time, beating out the juggernaut film Star Wars.  Fans of the Star Wars movie are crying foul about the poll, though, saying that it was unfair of the magazine to have people rank the films after a screening of The Phantom Menace.
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    That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

    (Compiled by J. Allen)

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  • Quick Stop Thingamabobs: 4/6/2007

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    The web. It’s a big place, full of plenty of distractions ““ some funny, some informative, some ludicrous, some disturbing, some inane, some profound. Each and every weekday, we present links to a few of our favorite finds”¦

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    • Our own Widgett Walls makes quite a fascinating point about the state of comic book cover-dom… (Thingamabob)
    • How ’bout a little bit from The Dana Carvey Show? (Thingamabob)

    Have a THINGAMABOB? Send it in!

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  • Music For The Masses: 4/5/07

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    Howdy, friends! It’s me, M.C. Did you miss me? I sure missed all of you. In fact, I was missing you more than Lance Armstrong misses his left nut. Okay, maybe not THAT much, but I did miss you and unlike Lance’s nut and more like a raging case of “hooker herpes,” I came back. “Back from what,” you ask? Why, back from a spring break filled with wild, exotic adventures and super hot babes”¦ assuming, of course, you substitute the terms “wild, exotic adventures” with “skiing” and “super hot babes” with “a Vaseline®-coated oven mit.” At any rate, I’m here and I’m dying to serve up another helping of Music for the Masses. This week, I check out the upcoming release from indie-fave and, because he knows Jenny Lewis, luckiest bastard alive, Bright Eyes and Double A falls in and out of love with the new one from Timbaland. Plus, R. Lee Ermey answers reader questions!! Sound like fun? Well, what do you say we find out?

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    Bright Eyes

    Album: Cassadaga

    Sounds like: That one dream you had where Jeff Tweedy was giving Neil Young a hand job in the dirty rest room of an Arby’s while Emerson, Lake and Palmer played softly in the background. Oh, come on now”¦don’t act like you don’t remember THAT dream.

    Question for you”¦any of you ever been to Nebraska? I mean, on purpose and not just on a dare or because the ONLY chick that would take you into her mouth went to school there? No? Well, don’t feel bad”¦I try to avoid that Godforsaken place and I live right next to the mother fucker. But hey, from what I hear, Nebraska is a rockin’, kick ass kind of place. *COUGH*

    For instance, did you know that Nebraska is the birthplace of Kool-Aid® and it’s chief exports are natural gas, guys named “Chet,” soybeans, religious intolerance, “fear of change” and “Corno?”

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    Yeah, baby”¦ ride that thing ’til it pops”¦

    How about that the state flower is the Goldenrod and that the state motto is “Somebody Had To Eat It, Might As Well Have Been Dave?” No? Ever see a picture of Miss Nebraska?

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    Well, now you have.

    Did you know that it’s against the law to sneeze, burp or fart in a Nebraska church? I shit you not. How about that they offer you the chance to have “The Beef State” emblazoned upon your “ILIKCOK” personalized license plate? Come on, now”¦I’m sure you’ve heard of their vaunted college football team, the Butt”¦ I mean, Corn Huskers?

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    You hike it to me and I’ll take it deep to your tight end”¦

    Okay”¦ how about the fact that Nebraska is the 16th largest state (in terms of square mileage) and has a population of 1,711,263 (as of 2000) with 1,711,261 of those people being certifiably “retarded” (the other 2 were just passing through the state at the time of the census on their way to Dubuque, IA). Seriously. According to Wikipedia, the governor of the fucking state is Corky from “Life Goes On”¦”

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    “I pledge to make Snak-Pak’s® the State Food!! YAY!!”

    And you all know that Wikipedia is NEVER wrong. But, perhaps the most important thing about Nebraska is that it is the birthplace of Connor Oberst, or, as you may know him, lead singer and “creative force extraordinaire” behind the band Bright Eyes.

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    Do not adjust your set”¦ he really is built like a “bobble-head” doll.

    Now, contrary to the implication in the name, Bright Eyes is actually a band that consists, primarily, of Mr. Oberst on guitar, multi-instrumentalist/huge-cocked, uber-stud Mike Mogis and trumpet player Nate Walcot. Throw in some other artists/occasional sheep fuckers from the local, Omaha music scene (Jake Bellows on guitar, Anton Patzner on bass, Rachel Blumberg on drums and Kelsey Guerra on piano) to round things out and you have the Bright Eyes line-up that has brought you the seventh kick ass new studio disc, Cassadaga. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the title of the disc refers to a community of “mediums” in Florida. Thought you’d like to know.

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    I can foresee your character “unearthing” a very large bone”¦

    Now, for you fans keeping score at home, this album isn’t much of a departure from Bright Eye’s previous catalog and is right in line with his I’m Wide Awake/It’s Morning disc. A little “folksy,” a little “bluesy,” a little “rock-y” and a whole lotta good. Hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fucking fix it. Know what I’m saying? Can you smell what I’m cooking? Of course, one thing I would have changed is Mr. Oberst’s, or as I like to call him, “Sparkle Tits,” penchant for starting off each disc with several minutes of random shit before actually getting to the music. Yeah”¦you can knock that shit off anytime now. Seriously, dude… I didn’t stea… I mean pick up this disc to hear some bullshit, transcendent artistic statement through interpretive noise. On the contrary, I picked it up to coax the co-ed living next to me with the dyed black hair, horned-rimmed glasses and blue and white stripped t-shirt to let me wear her like a feedbag.

    The first “single,” if you can call it that because Sparkle Tits doesn’t release singles-he just makes songs “available to listen to,” “Four Winds,” with it’s blistering, anti-religious lyrics and simple melodies, proves out as one of the strongest tracks on the album. In fact, this is really all you need to gauge whether or not this disc is for you as the rest of the tracks follow suit. Long story short, if you dig that song, you’ll love this album more than Brad Delp loved to barbeque in the bathroom. If you hear the song and are instantly reminded of that obnoxious Poetry major that hung out at the coffee shop attracting all the chicks with his “emotion” and “wordiness” then. well, Linkin Park has a new one coming out soon so you better start saving up.

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    Is it me or does he kinda look like K.D. Lang?

    Overall, this is a tight piece of work from when of the best songwriters working today and if you give it a chance, I’m confident you’ll dig it. However, if you want more proof, bop on over to www.myspace.com/brighteyes and check some of the tracks out for yourself. Personally, I really like the moody “No One Would Riot For Less” with the hot-sounding back up singers. They make my naughty bits tingle. In fact, they’re tingling so much, I’m going to go now and have lusty sex with my new, mail order, Nebraska bride”¦

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    shock 4-5-07

    Oh Timbaland, I hardly knew ye. I’m serious, I really don’t know what you’ve done in the past. I vaguely remember the stuff that you did a long time ago with the blind, cartoon curmudgeon Mr. Magoo, and I know you make a decent pair of boots. Wait, what? Timbaland worked with the rapper Magoo, not the cartoon character? Oh and it’s TimbeRland that makes the boots? My bad. Just about the only thing that I really know about Timbaland is that he’s one of the hottest producer around and that his new album, this here Shock Value, has been one of the most anticipated hip-hopish albums of this young year. So I decided that I would check into the hype of it all and see what the big deal was. Apparently the big deal is an assload of guest stars, and really not much else.

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    Just about everyone who’s big in music today was brought onto this album to help flesh out the tracks. Justin Timberlake? Check. Fall Out Boy? Yup, they’re there. Elton John? That’s a big 10-4, sailor. But while some of the guests really help the songs, like the track “Time” featuring She Wants Revenge, a lot of the guests seem to hurt the potential of the song. The beats and the flow of the album is decent, and when Timbaland cuts lose, the songs are really entertaining. Unfortunately, right about the time he does cut lose is when the “guest” steps in to give the song a little push. That’s where things go wrong. The emphasis on this album seems to be about making a great dance album, and if that’s what you’re into, then you’ll probably love this album. For me though, not so much.

    timba 4-5-07

    From what I’ve heard, Timbaland is damn good at what he does, and that is putting out music that people will buy. I’m sure that people will really dig this album, but I really wanted more of a straight up rap album. I didn’t get that. Now I’m a bit upset that I did get the album. Maybe I’ll sell it to a high school girl by telling her it’s got Justin Timberlake all over it. I just need to make sure it really is a girl and not Chris Mathews from “To Catch A Predator” again. I’m really starting to hate that guy.

    flava2 4-5-07

    10 QUESTIONS WITH”¦ R. LEE ERMEY

    rlee 4-5-07

    You know, I have received a lot of pressure to do some interviews here at the site and, well, I gotta admit, I have DEFINITELY been entertaining the notion. Honestly, though? The thought of doing one makes me more nervous than a straight guy at a Scissor Sisters concert. I mean, what if I fuck something up or, even worse, ask some stupid, fucking questions? That would totally “Sanjaya””¦ by which I mean, “suck.” Fortunately, I have you, dear readers, and your never-ending stream of questions. So, what the fuck”¦ I’ll let you ask the questions and I’m going to let actor R. Lee Ermey give you the answers. Enjoy!

    DarthBallSack24: One of my favorite bands is Bowling for Soup because they are from Texas and I am from Texas. Do you like Bowling for Soup? Do you like Pantera? If not, what band do you like?

    R.L.E.: Holy dog shit! Texas! Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy, and you don’t look much like a steer to me, so that about narrows it down. Do you suck dicks? Are you a peter puffer?

    point 4-5-07

    Bobloblaw32: Hey, R. Lee”¦I’m going to be married soon and I was wondering if you had any advice for what song we should play for the father/daughter dance?

    R.L.E.: Your days of finger bangin’ Mary Jane Rotten Crotch through her pretty pink panties are OVER!!!

    LarrysLongCableGuy: R. Lee yo. R U In 2 Fall Out Boi?

    R.L.E.: Did your parents have any kids that lived? Boy I bet they regret that. You’re so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece. What’s your name, scumbag? Lawrence? Lawrence of Arabia? That name sounds like royalty. You royalty? You suck dicks? I bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose! I don’t like the name Lawrence. Only F*****s and sailors are called Lawrence! From now on your name’s Private Pyle!

    pyle 4-5-07

    Mr_Nice_Gaius: Hey there, Mr. Ermey. Do you like R & B? I’ve always been partial to the smooth sounds of Macy Gray, myself.

    R.L.E.: What’s your name, scumbag? From now on your name’s Private snowball. You like that name? Well, here’s one more thing you’ll like, Private Snowball. They don’t serve watermelon and fried chicken on a daily basis in my mess hall.

    HalfVader03: Who would win in a fight between Clone Troopers, Star Fleet Academy or the Cylons?

    R.L.E.: God has a hard on for Marines, because we kill everything we see. He plays His games, we play ours. To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep heaven packed with fresh souls. God was here before the marine corps, so you can give your heart to Jesus, but your ass belongs to the corps!

    BendersShinyAss: My dad says that Led Zeppelin is the best band ever but I think it’s Fall Out Boy. Which one of us is right?

    R.L.E.: Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who’s the slimy communist shit twinkle-toed cocksucker who just signed his own death warrant?

    yell 4-5-07

    1PwN3DJ00: Dear Mr. Lee Ermey. Is it right to make fun of those less fortunate than ourselves? I mean I know this guy and he smells because his family can’t afford to pay the water bill. So I call him “Stinky Mike.” Seriously, he smells like poop. So anyway, is that cool, or should I stop?

    R.L.E.: I bet you’re the kinda of guy to fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach around!

    rifle 4-5-07

    “This is my rifle. There are many like it but this one is mine. My rifle is my best friend. It is my life.”

    LeryJenkins2: Heya R. Lee, I’ve been thinking about converting to Buddhism. I’ve never really been into the whole Christian thing and I think those Buddhists have some really good ideas about life. What do you think?

    R.L.E.: Why you little maggot, you make me want to vomit! You goddamned communist heathen, you had best sound off that you love the Virgin Mary, or I’m gonna stomp your guts out!

    BillWestin76: Hey Mr. Ermey, I saw you in that movie. You know, the one where you played the gay guy. I thought that took a lot of guts.

    R.L.E.: I’m gonna give you three seconds, exactly three fuckin’ seconds, to wipe that stupid lookin’ grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull fuck you!

    ICutMyself: Dear Mr. Ermey. I cut myself. It’s the only way that I can let the darkness out. It’s the only thing that makes me feel good besides the new album from Fall Out Boy. I know it’s wrong, but I cant stop. What should I do?

    worth 4-5-07

    R.L.E: Were you born worthless, or did you have to work at it?

    Real M.C.: Well, thanks for your time Mr. Ermey. Talk to you soon!

    R.L.E.: Are you quitting on me?! Well, are you?! Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! Now! Move it! I’m going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo!

    UPCOMING RELEASES… 4/10/07

    ARTIST

    TITLE

    GENRE

    BLONDE REDHEAD 23 ALT
    EXIES, THE A MODERN WAY OF LIVING WITH TH ALT
    KARNIVOOL THEMATA ALT
    LOVE OF DIAGRAMS MOSAIC ALT
    SHEARWATER PALO SANTO (EXPANDED EDITION) ALT
    WITCH S HAT MASTERY OF THE STEEL ALT
    33MILES 33MILES N/A
    HELLYEAH HELLYEAH N/A
    NATHAN KEY PRINCIPLES N/A
    PATTY, SANDI FALLING FORWARD N/A
    SEPTEMBER CRY FOR YOU N/A
    WONDER PETS WONDER PETS N/A
    WOW WOW WORSHIP (BLUE) N/A
    YOUNGS, JENNY OWEN BATTEN THE HATCHES N/A
    CLIENT HEARTLAND POP
    MIG Mig POP
    VEIRS, LAURA SALTBREAKERS POP
    KONU CoCo Shack RAP
    MAD DOG The Next Chapter RAP
    BROTHER ALI THE UNDISPUTED TRUTH RAP
    CAP D RETURN OF THE RENEGADE RAP
    A WEATHER FEATHER TEST ROCK
    ARMY OF ME CITIZEN ROCK
    BLESSTHEFALL HIS LAST WALK ROCK
    BOOK OF KNOTS, THE TRAINEATER ROCK
    BRIGHT EYES CASSADAGA ROCK
    CLOUD CULT THE MEANING OF 8 ROCK
    COCOROSIE THE ADVENTURES OF GHOSTHORSE A ROCK
    GOLDRUSH THE HEART IS THE PLACE ROCK
    GRINDERMAN GRINDERMAN ROCK
    GUSTER Satellite Ep ROCK
    LIMBECK LIMBECK ROCK
    MORLIX, GURF DIAMONDS TO DUST ROCK
    MYSTERY JETS DIAMONDS IN THE DARK ROCK
    NEKROMANTIX LIFE IS A GRAVE AND I DIG IT ROCK
    NEW ATLANTIC THE STREETS, THE SOUNDS, AND T ROCK
    PANTHERS THE TRICK ROCK
    POEM ROCKET INVASION! ROCK
    RHYS, GRUFF CANDYLION ROCK
    ROSEBUDS, THE NIGHT OF THE FURIES ROCK
    WIESE, JOHN SOFT PUNK ROCK
    XBXRX WARS ROCK
    BENJAMINS, The Chronicles Of The Garden State POP
    HACRIDE Amoeba POP
    KOLDBORN The Uncanny Valley POP
    MORS PRINCIPIUM EST Liberation = Termination POP
    PRETTY THINGS, The The Pretty Things POP
    RHODES, Lou Beloved One POP
    SNEAKY PETE Anthology POP
    SPIDEY No One Since Carol POP
    VAN MORRISON Blowin’ Your Mind POP

    Well… there you have it folks. Until next week… keep wearing it proud and playing it loud!

    Send your blow-up fuck sheep, review copies, presents and assorted hate mail to:

    M.C. Bell
    P.O. Box 1222
    Arvada, CO 80001

    biker 4-5-07

    E-MAIL THE AUTHOR

  • Noctural Admissions: Movie Review – Grindhouse

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    Grindhouse poster

    Movie buffs often lose sight of this, but most people don’t know what’s going on in the cinema at any given moment. The public may be aware of a big, well-publicized film that everyone knows about, and they may have a vague notion of “that new movie with what’s his name in it,” but for them films are consumer items, used then disposed of.

    This was brought home to me after seeing a screening of Grindhouse on Tuesday night and then running into someone and telling them excitedly that I just came from the film, only to have my auditor say, “What film is that?” They’d never heard of it. They weren’t aware, in fact, of any of the films opening the following Friday, nor of those that had opened in the previous weeks. The last movie this person had heard of opened last summer.

    This incident rang an alarm bell. Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, and the Weinstein Company are betting that there is a form of waking nostalgia for an era and type of filmmaking that is otherwise viewed as maudit by arbiters of official culture. I wonder, however, how big the market is for such a film beyond the sort of cultists who crowd into auditoria at the ComicCon. The filmmakers haven’t help their cause by calling the resultant work, a faux double bill with trailers for non-existant (yet) films and various teasers, Grindhouse, which is misleading. Eddie Muller’s book on the subject makes it clear that the term refers to theaters specializing in softcore exploitation erotica and taboo topics. The film might have been more accurately called Drive-In, except that perhaps that title might too closely evoke the film’s unlikely inspiration, Stanley Donen’s Movie Movie.

    What will get lost in all the ballyhoo about the correctness of the term’s use, the length of the two movies together (after cuts, the film comes to about three hours and 10 minutes) as a marketing impediment, the level of its financial success, and whether or not Tarantino’s film represents a aesthetically regressive move is the actual nature of Tarantino’s achievement. What he has done is replicate in feel, look, and tone an actual drive in movie from the 1970s such as Swinging Cheerleaders. But the level of the mimicry doesn’t end just in its overexposed shots or the chick banter. Tarantino has gone on to conceive of a plot that is just as odd as some of the better more experimental ’70s drive in films. I’m thinking of films such as the explicitly acknowledged Vanishing Point as well as Two-Lane Blacktop, very odd narratives (and on a side note does anyone doubt that the reticent friendship between the two men in Two-Lane is echoed decades later in the equally if differently marvelous Way of the Gun?).

    Grindhouse fire

    More about Death Proof in a moment. First there is Planet Terror, Robert Rodriguez’s homage to Italian zombie movies and John Carpenter. This is a fine film, typical of some of Rodriguez’s earlier films such as The Faculty, which is multi-character driven suspense tales set at a rapid pace. Rodriguez does this sort of thing well, and though the film has funny parts it is not a parody or a satire on the genre, it is basically a straight zombie film. One feels like a curmudgeon for complaining that perhaps the film is set slightly below room temperature, that it could have enjoyed more sparkle and pizzazz. Planet Terror was mostly of interest to me because of Rose McGowan, whose remarkable face compels attention even when she isn’t the focus of the frame.

    Grindhouse Rose

    The fake trailers are also fun. Machete practically tells a whole story (one that sounds, oddly enough, a lot like Shooter). Werewolf Women of the SS looks exciting but there is a certain lack of clarity in the trailer. Don’t is funny, but only Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving really replicates a bad trailer for a bad movie, even down to the overuse of footage from just one or two scenes random scenes. The serial killer’s costume is subtly hilarious.

    Grindhouse Kurt

    Death Proof is probably going to strike most unsympathetic viewers as too talky and weird. The movie appears split in half, chronically two separate attacks by a car-wielding serial killer. But in fact it is using a variation on the Psycho effect. The real story is the second half; the first half is distracted by following a small group of really offensive people on a wild goose chase.

    Grindhouse Ferlitas

    That’s the other thing that unsympathetic viewers might find objectionable, that the group of three girls in the first half are mostly unpleasant. Sydney Tamiia Poitier as a careerist DJ is an unpleasant, self-absorbed, bossy “mean girl,” while Jordan Ladd’s character is a non-entity, a personality free follower. Only Vanessa Ferlito, set up as the “final girl,” has allure.

    Grindhouse legs

    It’s not that Tarantino gets these people wrong. On the contrary, he develops a whole world around them in just some 20 minutes. Their later interactions with and comments about Rose McGowan’s Pam, and vice versa, says a lot about the high school culture they all emerged from. But then the movie makes an abrupt plot turn; like the characters in Crash, the film’s serial killer has a thing for car wrecks. And then we have to compose ourselves and learn the dynamics of a whole new quartet of women.

    But notice how different they are. As my colleague Kim Morgan has pointed out, Tarantino has laid out really precise differences between the two groups of women. In a sense, because of their hedonism and haughtiness, the first group deserved to die. Whereas the first group of girls were all about fucking hypergamously, to advance their careers or to get high or to sate their hedonism, the second group are professionals (two stunt women, a make up girl, and an actress) but mostly on a humbler tier, and their on set romances are realistic and comic (the actress’s boyfriend, a Rock lookalike, likes to watch her pee). These are nicer, more engaging women, and we don’t want to see them die.

    Grindhouse Zoe

    The point of the narrative thread is to get stunt woman Zoe in a death match with serial killer Stunt Man Mike. And it is one terrific car chase sequence. One of the best I’ve ever seen anyway. There are camera angles used here that you haven’t seen in a “car” scene since, say, Blowup, which, unpredictably, sets the gold standard on how to shoot a car in motion. Part of its power is that the car chase sequence is clearly mostly real and you admire its “redemption of physical reality.” This sequence is the “payoff” to average viewers for “enduring” all the talk. If Death Proof were a Roger Corman film, the rest of the movie would be window dressing built around this chase scene.

    Grindhouse cars

    But also note just how weird are all the things that have happened in this film, the strange way characters are introduced, the long seemingly pointless sequences. Note how close it is to a movie like Swinging Cheerleaders, and yet so far from it. When drive in movies were odd, it was because they were made in a hurry, or had budgetary problems, or because they were made by incompetent people, but occasionally it was because an occasional filmmaker, like a Larry Cohen, was using the relative

    It should also be pointed out, because people might not notice this facet too amid all the hubbub, that Tarantino pulls a Soderbergh and acts as his own DP. This makes the framing and color tones of the shots doubly interesting. I doubt if he is going to be interview by American Cinematographer over this, so I’m guess that it is because he was having a hard time, or anticipated having a hard time explaining to a photographer just what he wanted in his film. You will also notice that the look of the film changes subtly between its first and second halves, the second part being more intentionally “polished,” another clue that the second group of girls is privileged by the filmmaker as worthy of life. In one shot, a Woody Allen Hannah and her Sisters shot set in a diner, you can see Stunt Man Mike in the background, at the counter eating something, but otherwise his presence is not indicated.

    Grindhouse deleted

    We’re probably going to get four DVDs out of this movie. A quick and dirty release this fall, with just one extra, a video interview with RR and Tarantino (and have you noticed how absent Rodriguez is from the publicity build up?), followed by a two disc special edition, and then each film sold on its own, perhaps with even more different extras, and with luck the full lapdance scene (there are two shots from the sequence in the second trailer). I welcome them all.

  • QSE News: 4/5/2007

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    Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

    • qsnews.jpgComic book writer Grant Morrison has been hired to write a film adaptation of the hit video game Area 51. Morrison says the plot will delve into the mysteries surrounding the top secret military installation and include several types of alien beings.  According to insiders, the aliens will have a classic yet eerie look to them, and will be based on actress Hilary Swank.
    • Actor Adam Sandler is set to star in a new Disney film called Bedtime Stories.  The film, about a man whose life gets weird when bedtime stories become real, is set to begin production this fall.  In related news, actor Rob Schnieder will finally get another job.
    • Halle Berry has received her own star on the Hollywood walk of fame. Berry became the 2,333rd celebrity to receive a star along the world famous walk way. Berry was scheduled to receive the star years ago but everyone felt that it was in the star’s best interest to wait until everyone forgot that she was in Catwoman, Swordfish, Bullworth, B*A*P*S, The Flinstones, Boomerang
    • Country singer Billy Joe Shaver is wanted by Texas police for allegedly shooting a man in a parking lot. We at QSE are glad to finally see country stars taking it to the next level and proving that even though they are rich white people from the south, they can still start some shit.
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    That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

    (Compiled by J. Allen)

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  • Quick Stop Thingamabobs: 4/5/2007

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    The web. It’s a big place, full of plenty of distractions ““ some funny, some informative, some ludicrous, some disturbing, some inane, some profound. Each and every weekday, we present links to a few of our favorite finds”¦

    ————————————————

    • There’s nothing like a “Little Swee’pea” to make the week go by in a flash… (Thingamabob)
    • BBC America inserts their head head up their own ass and manage to import all the wrong “best of British television” they can get their hands on. If they knew what they were doing, it would be less Hollyoaks and Lead Balloon (sorry, Jack – love ya, but it was a shit version of Curb Your Enthusiasm) and more shows like QI, Black Books, Ideal, and such… But they’re not smart. (Thingamabob)
    • How do you even try to find out you can do this? (Thingamabob)

    Have a THINGAMABOB? Send it in!

    ##

  • Party Favors: Grinding The Night Away

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    TRIBECA – A movie that lists me as the Associate Producer is making the festival rounds. On April 14, Moving Midway will be playing the Full Frame Documentary Film Festival in Durham, N.C.

    I beg you fine citizens of Durham to not throw flowers at the screen when my name appears in the credits. It is hard to resist wanting to launch a bouquet of roses during such a beautiful moment. But I don’t want to make the rest of the filmmakers jealous at the love being shown just to me. Although polite applause is appreciated.

    The other highlights of Full Frame should include D.A. Pennebaker showing Bob Dylan: 65: Revisited, Gonzo: The Life and Death of Hunter S. Thompson and the return of Martin Scorsese. Nothing tops the chance to chat with Albert Maysles. He has a few stories to share about Gimme Shelter. How close can you get to Hell’s Angel with a pool cue? Did Keith have his original blood that tour? Weren’t the Stones a better live act with Mick Taylor on guitar?

    If you’re not in Durham and want to experience my name on the screen, pick up Shortbus. My name is listed with the Shortbusriders. I didn’t have anything to do with the production. Nor have I had any contact with director (and fellow army brat) John Cameron Mitchell.  This tribute to myself came from visiting the website. Don’t think you can spot me in the orgy room. That’s just an internet rumor. While there are no true small roles in films, if they aren’t shot in Cinemascope, my blossoming talent won’t fit. And in the privacy of your living room, feel free to throw flowers at my name.

    WHERE’S PART 2?

    Grindhouse is upon us. After all the hype and hysteria and dark tales from the ratings board, we’ll finally get to see what happens when Rodriguez and Tarantino team up for the fourth time.

    But the troubling aspect of this project is that there’s no Grindhouse 2 in post-production eager to hit the theaters in late summer. How can Harvey and Bob hold back on greenlighting this into an instant series? Are they still stinging from Alien Love Triangle? Judging from the amount of crap that they’ve been dumping as exclusive rentals at Blockbuster, the brothers W need to crank out more than Prey 2. They need to start using the Grindhouse as a way to bring life back to escapist trash.

    My suggestion is the follow up be done is a deep fried double feature follow up. The first film would pay tribute to the Legend of Boggy Creek series. Tribute might be too kind of a word. Those movies were the absolute pits for thrills and scares. If you have any fond memories of these movies, it better be because you got laid in the back of the station wagon while these borefests ruled the Drive-in.  My movie, Swamp Gas would be the more improved take on the swamp creature flicks. Three college kids are heading down to Florida for spring break when they take a detour to visit a roadside attraction dedicated to the Scubra, a half man, half nutria monster that supposedly roamed the nearby swamp. The boys continue on their way to spring break, but being a trio of losers decide to ditch being teased by drunk coed girls and return to the swamp. They want to have an adventure. They even hire a hot “Poke Salad Annie” gal to be their guide into the muck.  But things go insane when the boys discover various dark secrets about the Scubra. There’s scene where the Scubra attacks a Maxim shoot. Lots of muddy bikinis across the screen.

    The second feature pays tribute to the greatest cine-trash genre: Women in jail. But not merely any jail, but a skanky, sweaty Southern jail. A sweet innocent girl on a bus trip out to see grandma gets stuck in a small Mayberry-esque town. She ends up getting lured into trouble by what she through was a fellow nice girl. She gets sentenced to the county work farm. Turns out that work on the farm isn’t meant to rehabilitate. It’s to sustain the local vice markets. No need to spell out too much of the plot other than group showers and cavity searches that will look even hotter on the DVD’s unrated cut. I want to make a women’s prison film that will harden Jess Franco’s nipples.

    Don’t come see this doubleheader without a tanktop and a bottle of water. Cause the humidity is going to drip off the screen. And unlike Black Snake Moan these films will be Justin Timberlake-free!

    NO LOVE

    It would be nice if the Grindhouse guys would tip their hats a little bit more openly to Michael J. Weldon and his Psychotronic empire. For over 20 years, his Psychotronic Encyclopedia has been a sacred text for fans of cinema that doesn’t get shown during Oscar montages.

    UNDERSTAND A PHRASE

    When a sporting event claims to be “The Superbowl of….” that means the pre-game show lasts longer than the actual event.

    LOOK AT US… A

    This American Life on Showtime is captivating time on my TV. The show is kinda like a Errol Morris documentary except Ira Glass does the voiceover and there’s less talking straight to the camera. Maybe this show isn’t like an Errol Morris movie. Either way the show does a good job illustrating the tales previously told on NPR radio stations. The cloned bull has been my favorite episode – especially since it has scrotum damage. Ouch!!!

    Ira Glass does come off as Mo Rocca’s cousin. These two need to take part in that Doppelganger project.

    Maybe someday I’ll be able to tell the story of Anna and Ana to Ira. But I don’t know if America is ready for such a heartbreaking tale of summer weirdness.

    COURT TV IS OUT OF ORDER

    After attacking Court TV for running shows about lifeguards instead of trials, the channel has responded. By the end of the year, Court TV will be rebranded in order to “reflect” its new demographic. They want to attract a group called “real engagers” who enjoy watching “real-life stories and true characters.” Remember when a “real engager” was Johnny Depp as he tossed out rings to Winona Ryder and Sherilyn Fenn?

    Basically the lack of a true freakish high profile court case and the rise of other channels that are willing to burn airtime on the celeb trials has destroyed Court TV’s audience. How many channels had live coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith corpse grab fiasco?

    No word on what the folks at Time-Warner will call the “real engager” channel. My guess is Scalez! Cause that reflects the justice programming and yet is hip and now with that “z.” Or maybe Juztice TV.

    REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS ANGRY?

    Why is it disheartening to see Ice Cube in the Are We Done Yet? ads? Remember when he was a bad ass from Compton giving us the hood report? Remember when he joined Public Enemy on “Burn Hollywood Burn?” Ice Cube is now roasting in a film that screams, “Steve Martin was too busy to squirt this turd!”

    SUGAR COATED LIES

    Anyone else swallowing the study that kids today are being bombarded by ads for bad foods which is why they are fat? What? I’m shocked that kiddie TV programming is filled with ads for junk food. Why this has to be the first time in our nation’s history that this has happened.

    Heaven forbid that the generation that contributed to this report remember that they were raised on sugar coated commercials. Does anyone recall how every cereal in the late ’60s was coated with “badness.” They didn’t merely have Sugar Crisp. That bear sold us Super Sugar Crisp.  Sugar Corn Pops, Sugar Smacks and Sugar Frosted Flakes were on the shelf. Visit theimaginaryworld.com/cbarch.html to see that today’s supermarket shelves are tame compared to the breakfast diet of decades ago. Fast Food ads have changed. Ronald McDonald pushes milk and apple slices to the active kiddies. There was no healthy foods being harvested in the old McDonaldland ads. And remember that the Grimace was evil back then. Junk foods sponsoring TV isn’t something that was launched while you pumped out your baby. Remember the Frito Bandito? He wasn’t stealing carrot sticks.

    What’s sad is that these self-righteous scientists want to blame “junk food” for your kids, but they don’t seem to want to attack the “healthy food” that’s probably turning Junior into a blimp: corn. Check the labels and see how much of your drinks and foods contain corn syrup. When you were a kid, your soda didn’t have corn syrup. But now you’re sucking up corn like a heifer waiting for the first semi to the slaughterhouse. But where’s the publicity in attacking corn? Slinging mud at Spongebob gets you a few minutes with Katie Couric.

    You know why your kids are fat? Because it’s not safe to let them outside. Fox News declares that rapists are lurking just outside your front porch ready to nab your child. If you let them play sports, odds are that a violent, drunk father will charge the wrestling mat and attack your kid. Dateline has let us know that it’s not safe to even let the kids go on the internet. What’s must you do to keep them safe? Put them on their asses in front of a TV set. If you want to avoid them from getting the “gimmes” for bad stuff, pick up DVDs of kid shows you enjoyed all those decades ago. There will be no marathon of ads interrupting H.R. Pufnsuf. If you want to keep your kids skinny, feed them gruel. It’s the secret of keeping a trim Oliver Twist shape.

    What did happen to a generation that devoured Tutti-Fruiti Flavored Twinkles cereal? Where’s the science on them?

    NEWS STUD FANTASIES

    Did you know that the fastest growing fetish fiction involves Dateline reporter Chris Hansen? A lot of creepy folks are now sharing their daydreams about sneaking into a strange kitchen and discovering Chris Hansen. Most of the predator wannabes confess that they weren’t looking for a 13 year old girl that had emailed them on the internet. They knew that the fingers on the keys belonged to Hansen. Within a few minutes, the ties are off and they’re pouring Wesson oil all over their bodies and doing stuff that would upset Florence Henderson.

    According to a news release from Glick University, Chris Hansen oriented homo-erotic fan fiction has passed Kirk and Spock beaming down each other.  Sources within NBC hint that Stone Phillips is jealous of Hansen’s lusty following.

    STABLE BOY JR. SPEAKS

    Here’s the lock pick for the Kentucky Derby: Bet on Scat Daddy to show – cause it just sounds dirty. Besides winning the Florida Derby, Scat Daddy was the biggest selling DVD of 2004 in Berlin. If only there were horses named Watersports Wonder and Cleveland Steamer, I’d have my Trifecta.

    DORKS FROM THE EAST

    Why is a marathon of Most Extreme Elimination Challenge the greatest way to zone out on a lazy evening? All my life, the teachers and pundits would ramble on about how smart the Japanese were. How they were so much better at math. How they were going to kick our lame American educated asses. But watching these hordes of Japanese folks get beaten senseless on a gameshow makes me feel just a little bit superior.

    The episode where the contestants tried to compete in rubber monster outfits is my favorite. I nearly stopped breathing when the guy dressed as totem pole attempted to hop across a pond on rocks. Also the final challenge involved a group of Ultramen tossing boulders down a hill at the contestants. After a MXC marathon, I don’t need to completely fear the Japanese. I know that they can be stopped by having them charge head first through a locked door.

    PREDICTION FOR RICKY

    Now that Extras has wrapped up, what’s the next series for Ricky Gervais? I have a vision that he’ll create a show about a guy who does weekend road rallies in his Mini Cooper. It’ll focus on his dream of one day being able to actually finish a race. The comedy comes from his rivalry with his mother who actually wins on the circuit.

  • Quick Stop Thingamabobs: 4/4/2007

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    The web. It’s a big place, full of plenty of distractions ““ some funny, some informative, some ludicrous, some disturbing, some inane, some profound. Each and every weekday, we present links to a few of our favorite finds”¦

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    • The Max Fleischer Studios teach audiences about those new fangled sound pictures… (Thingamabob)
    • The heavens have opened up and deposited a new episode of Jordan, Jesse GO! upon a grateful humanity… (Thingamabob)

    Have a THINGAMABOB? Send it in!

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  • QSE News: 4/4/2007

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    Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

    • qsnews.jpgFox Television has cancelled its new show, The Wedding Bells, after only seven episodes.  The show, about a family of wedding planners, only managed to draw 4.5 million viewers during its run.  We here at QSE News want to condemn Fox for not giving this show the chance it deserved.  We never watched it, but we’re sure it was better than The War At Home.
    • Rock star and living skeleton Keith Richards has admitted to the British magazine NME that he once snorted the ashes of his cremated father.  According to Richards, he mixed the ashes with cocaine to make it more “palatable.”  When asked for comment, a relative of Richards stated that “it could have been worse.  I mean, he could have melted his dad in a spoon with some heroin and shot him into his [EXPLETIVE DELETED].”
    • A Swedish couple has failed in their attempt to name their new, baby girl “Metallica,” after their favorite heavy metal band.  Sweden’s tax agency, which is in charge of approving Swedish names, rejected the request because of its association with the band and because, as one official noted, “it’s an ugly name.”  However, the agency did give the couple permission to name their daughter after their second favorite metal act, Alabama Thunderpussy.
    • The TV show 7th Heaven will be airing its series finale on May 13th. The show, which is the longest running family drama on TV, centers around a Christian minister and his family dramas. Fans of the show are sad to see it leave the air but at the same time are a little relieved because the show hasn’t really been the same since the father/minister of the show sacrificed two if his daughters to Baal.
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    That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

    (Compiled by J. Allen)

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  • SModcast 8

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    SModcast is the meandering palaver of a pair of dudes whose voices are so dull, they don’t deserve to be on the radio (and, hence, aren’t). Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier are SModcast.

    The best thing about SModcast? It don’t cost nothing.

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    SModcast 8: The Entirely Too Over-Long Episode –

    In which our heroes puzzle over the merits of Rich Little and Danny Gans, review a foreign ruler’s take on cinema, go on about Kev’s “Reaper” stint for awhile, discuss working for The Man, assess whether or not they’ve become whores, touch on what it’s like for Mos to be the Green Goblin’s kid’s henchman, talk about editing-for-hire on “Who’s Your Caddy?”, and wrap up about twenty minutes later than they should’ve.

    [CONTENT WARNING] SModcast features harsh language and even harsher notions of propriety. Listener discretion is advised.

    DOWNLOAD: (right click to save)
    SModcast 8 (MP3 format) – 89.57 MB

    [display_podcast]

    SUBSCRIBE
    Subscribe to this Podcast via iTunes
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    Wanna add your two cents? Spend it here, in the SModcast mailbag.

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    CLICK HERE FOR THE SMODCAST ARCHIVES

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  • QSE News: 4/3/2007

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    Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

    • qsnews.jpgThree teenagers were injured early Sunday morning when unknown assailants opened fire on a crowd gathered outside of a Nickolodeon Kids Choice Awards after-party.  While no one has been arrested, police are pursuing leads including one eye-witness who swore that he heard two rap stars arguing about who was cooler, SpongeBob or Ben 10, shortly before the shots were fired.
    • It appears that Sting isn’t the only master of tantric sex in the music world.  Rapper/producer/liar Sean “Diddy” Combs recently told a London newspaper that he and his girlfriend, Kim Porter, had tantric sex for 30 hours while visiting Paris.  When asked for comment on the boast, a noticeably uncomfortable Porter stated “Yeah, we ain’t be doin’ that [EXPLETIVE DELETED] anymore. My va-jay feels like it walked from here to Tallahassee.”
    • Hollywood stars Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey had to be evacuated from the set of their new movie because of a poisonous jellyfish.  The pair were filming a scene in Australia when a Irukandji jellyfish was spotted near the set.  After the incident, a local man apologized for the incident, saying that it really wasn’t a jellyfish, he just got really excited seeing Hudson in a bikini.
    • The remains of actor James Doohan, better known as Scotty from the original Star Trek series, are set to be blasted into space.  Doohan’s ashes have been loaded onto a rocket that is set to take off later this month.  Friends and family were relieved when they were able to honor the first wishes of the actor who stipulated that if his ashes could not be sent into space, he wanted someone to “snort his ashes and [EXPLETIVE DELETED] a hooker in the [EXPLETIVE DELETED].”
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    That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

    (Compiled by J. Allen)

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  • Quick Stop Thingamabobs: 4/3/2007

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    The web. It’s a big place, full of plenty of distractions ““ some funny, some informative, some ludicrous, some disturbing, some inane, some profound. Each and every weekday, we present links to a few of our favorite finds”¦

    ————————————————

    • I have to agree with Mark Evenier’s assessment – Pretty girls painting cels = a hit Disney picture… (Thingamabob)
    • Crow T. Robot stars in “Give ’em Hell, Blank”… (Thingamabob)
    • Alanis and a bittersweet tale of humps… (Thingamabob)

    Have a THINGAMABOB? Send it in!

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  • The Art Of Travel Blog #1: Gonzo Filmmaking

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    We are happy to present the exclusive web only trailer and first of seven behind the scenes webisodes of The Art of Travel. Each month, we’ll premiere a new webisode – and in-between, we’ll have biweekly blogs from the actors and filmmakers, plus cool image captures from the movie.

    This story has been three years in the making, and shooting the film over 7 weeks in 5 countries was an adventure for the entire cast and crew.

    No, The Art of Travel is not a documentary or the retelling of the bestselling philosophy book with the same title – It is the story of Conner Layne, a high school grad with a full ride to college who finds his plans interrupted by a life changing moment… a moment which becomes the spring board to a travel adventure that ultimately changes Conner’s hopes and dreams.

    When setting out to make an independent feature film, it’s hard enough to convince agents, actors, and crew that the film in question will be a worthwhile endeavor. Now add the fact that our film would be shot entirely on location without many of the creature comforts that actors and crew members are accustomed to while making a film in Los Angeles – not to mention shooting in locations that many filmmakers would never set one foot inside – and you can understand what we were up against.

    The common questions asked in pre-production were, “Will the actors have trailers?” Our reply, “No, but we’ll have a great big bus with air conditioning that they can rest in.” “What happens if the cameras break in the jungle?” Our reply, “What are the chances that both will go down at the same time?” The most common question, though, was, “Is it safe?” We’d look right in their eyes and not even finch one bit – “Of course it’s safe. What could possibly go wrong shooting in Nicaragua, Panama, Peru, and Bolivia that couldn’t go wrong shooting in Los Angeles?”

    Yeah, we know. It even took us a while to believe that answer.

    While watching the webisodes, I bet you end up asking yourself, “How did they pull this off?” The answer? Finding a talented group of people who believed in us and didn’t care about the answer to the questions above.

    Salude from the Filmmakers!

    Thomas Whelan
    Brian LaBelle
    Emyr G. Graciano
    Christopher Kennedy Masterson

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    THE ART OF TRAVEL TRAILER ““
    Before you dive into the webisodes, check out the trailer for The Art of Travel

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    Download The Art of Travel Trailer:

    • Large (560 x 420 – QuickTime – 28.04 MB)
    • Small (320 x 240 – QuickTime – 11.63 MB)
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    THE ART OF TRAVEL VIDEO BLOG #1: “Gonzo Filmmaking” ““
    Dive into the process of pulling together the film, and the unique insanity of transporting a cast and crew into the wilds of Central America…

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    Download The Art Of Travel Video Blog #1:

    • Large (560 x 420 – QuickTime – 41.03 MB)
    • Small (320 x 240 – QuickTime – 17.95 MB)
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