Author: UncaScroogeMcD

DALLAS – My affair with Blockbuster is over. I was cheating on Netflix with Blockbuster Online Total Access. And thanks to Newsweek online, it’s out in the public. You want to call me a cad now or wait till our drinks arrive so you can be extra dramatic? Remember to remove the umbrella from the glass – that hurts.

Why did I do it? And why should you believe it’s over?

It started last November when Blockbuster put up their offer of Total Access. It was pure temptation to a film fiend like myself. I used every bit of energy to build up resistance. But how can you top paying $17.99 each month for a three out plan that also allowed me to return my mailers to the nearby Blockbuster store to exchange for titles on the shelf. This guaranteed me the chance to rent the hot new titles on the Tuesdays that came out. If Netflix has one major drawback, it’s the fact that if you don’t get picked for a new title on the Tuesday release, you’ll be stuck on “Very Long Wait” for nearly 2 months. I wanted new so I grabbed the deal.

Can you blame me?

There are people who hate Blockbuster because of an outrageous late fee in their past. This has never been my reason to hate on them. I didn’t rent at Blockbuster because they were expensive. Back in the video days, my rental love was spread at a Phar-Mor. They rented titles for about a half of Blockbuster. How could they charge less? A major hint can be found in the fact that their Founder and CFO were sent to prison on fraud charges. Should I feel criminal for taking advantage of their extra low prices? I didn’t like Blockbuster because it stopped stocking straight to video masterpieces featuring William Katt and Andrew Stevens.

When I went inside a Blockbuster, it was to hunt through the used VHS tables. They’d have two dollar sales at least every other month. It used to be cheaper to buy a used tape than rent the copy on the shelf. But now I was renting titles.

Actually I wasn’t renting since there was no charge for me to swap out that DVDs. That’s when I knew Total Access wasn’t going to go on forever at $17.99 a month. My nearby Blockbuster charged $4.25 per 2 day rental for new titles Plus it had the “No Late Fees” policy. This means I had an extra week grace period before the store would slap a $1.50 restocking fee on my credit card. On Tuesday morning, I’d show up with three envelopes and walk out with three hot new titles. I was never tempted to grab a 4th DVD. I was denying the cash register $13.75. Plus I wouldn’t bring those hot titles back for at least a week. They could have rented my copy of 300 three times instead of having it sit on my coffeetable.

I averaged six swap outs a week. I walked out the store with $100 plus of free rentals per month. Blockbuster online also mailed me 6 DVDs each week. They paid for the postage to me and the return to their distribution center. If this was just an online rental service like Netflix, I paid about 70 cents an online rental. Is that even coming close to covering their stamp cost? If I had shown up at the store with a “this is a stick up” note, they would have lost less money than my nine month reign of terror.

You want to know why Blockbuster is bleeding red ink? Me. They ought to have my picture on the cover of the quarterly report.

It wasn’t a complete shock when last month Blockbuster decided to retool their online rental program. I just figured they’d let it last until 2008. The new deal for $17.99 lets me rent 3 DVDs at a time. But they’d only allow me to swap 5 titles at the store for free. If I wanted to keep the Total Access (now called “Premium”), it was going to cost $24.99 a month. What’s $7 bucks especially after all the damage I do per month? Why quit?

This is a protest. If Blockbuster is going to yank me this time; they’ll yank again to calm down investors when the quarterly numbers bleed. While it’s fun to get the new titles with the swap out, the pickings get slim fast. Lately I’ve found myself grabbing crap off the shelves in order to make the trade. Would I have spent $4.25 to rent Astronaut Farmer, Pathfinder or Ghost Rider? Or would I have waited a few more months for them to appear on HBO? Instead of renting titles because I’m curious about them, I checked them out because they were there. The pile of DVDs seemed more of a endurance test than an entertaining evening. The only good part was that if a film stunk, I didn’t feel too bad stopping it after 20 minutes and tossing it back in the box. This was done to The Breed, Black Christmas and pretty much anything that was a Blockbuster exclusive. I didn’t really waste $4.25 on a clunker. It’s not like I could have rented porn at Blockbuster.

The online version of Blockbuster did offer quite a few titles that Netflix refused to stop. The biggest thing BBO offered was Disney’s True Life Adventures series. Why couldn’t the lemmings arrive in the red envelope? Contrary to what Netflix wants you to think, they don’t buy every new title to put in circulation. And they are quick to pull titles that have gone out of print. Or is it a case that Netflix users have “lost” them in the mail? It was nice to be able to use both resources while working my way through the Psychotronic Encyclopedia of Film.

There are also a couple minor yet annoying reasons to quit. My nearby Blockbuster store shut down a few months back. It’s twice the drive to get to the new store. I’m trying to save gas so this war can end. Plus Blockbuster will only ship DVDs that are within 2 or 3 mailing days. This means that even though the website tells you a title is available, it might not be available to you. It got annoying waiting for rare titles to snail their way cross country through the distribution centers. Netflix ships me a title from Hawaii if its in their system. Plus every other week, a Blockbuster title would get lost in the mail. I’ve yet to have a Netflix title go MIA – not even Missing In Action with Chuck Norris. Rarely would a Blockbuster title arrive in the mail the day after shipping. This wasn’t bothersome when I had DVDs checked out of the store unless those DVDs were lame fare like Prey.

Now I’m just a Netflix customer. I won’t be getting all the new DVDs on Tuesday. The mailman will only have half the load to shove in my box each week. I should feel dirty for having made a deal with Blockbuster, but after they do the math, I’m the best worst customer they’ll ever have. As I told Newsweek‘s Brian Braiker, “when word gets out that I’m no longer with Blockbuster, their stock will soar $4 a share.”

BLOCKBASTARDS

After I decided not to do anything about reupping and just let my deal with Blockbuster lapse, those weasels decided to not wait until Sept 4 to end my account. When they didn’t ship me anything the other day, I wrote them asking if they were going to send me my next titles. This was the response:

Hello Joseph,

Thank you for contacting Blockbuster Online Customer Care.

I’m sorry to hear we haven’t shipped the DVDs you’ve requested. In looking at your account, it has automatically been cancelled as of 08/25/2007. Please reactivate your account by choosing new plans. You can find the details of other plans that are available via “My Account” in the “Subscription Plan” area.

Joseph, I hope this information has been helpful. Have a nice day.

Always here to help,

Ryan
Customer Care Associate
BLOCKBUSTER Online

They bill me for 30 days of rental action and are denying me 10 days of service. Sounds like it’s time to sue their asses. Anyone else get ripped off for a month? I have a really great class action lawyer. You think I’m joking, Blockbuster? Google “Joseph Corey” + “Class Action.”

CRYING AT COMEDY

Using one of my freebie swaps, I picked up The Ex since it’s a Blockbuster exclusive. This should have been funny. You have the three leads from excellent sitcoms teaming up on the silver screen. How can you go wrong with Zach Braff (Scrubs), Jason Bateman (Arrested Development and Donal Logue (Grounded For Life)? Guess it starts at the script and it’s downhill from there. This is a script that wouldn’t have escaped the writer’s room at any of these shows. It might have stood a chance at Charles in Charge. What was the point of casting Mia Farrow for a job that could have filled by a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth?

When Superbad came out, the hype kept saying it was the best comedy since Borat. Has there been any other funny comedies since Borat? Sure there was Idiocracy, but for a majority of Americans, they discovered it on DVD. What is wrong with cinematic comedies? There seem to be plenty of decent sitcoms in the past 10 years. But comedies? Is there a problem that after 25 pages, a comedy becomes a painful exercise that devolves into painful Kate Hudson vehicles? Or they just become Dipshit Comedies starring Will Ferrell. Way too many movies are prolonged Saturday Night Live sketches that are only funny in the sense of discovering your anal warts are actually parasite infections.

THE MAGIC IS BACK

How does one full appreciate R Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 13 – 22 with the knowledge that the auteur is still awaiting trial for peeing on underaged girls? The answer for me is Jack on the rocks. The new 10 chapters of this epic do not disappoint. I still haven’t a clue what R. Kelly is doing. But damned if it’s seriously messed up. His hot new character is a pimp at a church service. Plus we’re given a mobster shoot out that blasts away the finale of The Sopranos.

The shame is the lack of action for Michael K. Williams’ cop character. Give him screen time, R Kelly. The bad part of this new DVD is that we don’t get R. Kelly’s commentary track. I want to hear his genius at work. Watching R. Kelly watch and “explain” Chapters 1 – 12 took this project to the next level.

A REAL COMMENTARY TRACK

The Film Crew DVDs have been a fun way of keeping the joy of Mystery Science Theater 3000 alive. The deal of this show is that Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett are hired to create commentary tracks for films that don’t have them. Their movie jokes are done only on the audio track. I miss their shadows on the screen. I do wish they’d retool the show so that at least one of the guy fakes being connected to the film. They could impersonate an actor who claims they were in the part of the screen eliminated by the pan and scan. Or they can play the Production Assistant who has worked 50 years in the industry. This way they can tell horrible stories of being on location. Give us fake insider tales of Hollywood, Mike Nelson!

Or they can bring in Rock and Roll legend Patti Smith. Her work on Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theater For DVD deserves an award. She’s an amazing conversationalist with the various folks in the recording booth. And a fan of the show. Since R. Kelly didn’t create a commentary for Trapped in the Closet 13 – 22), Patti Smith can put on her resume “Best DVD Commentary Personality of 2007” under the honors section.

SCARY SEPTEMBER

The Midnite Movies Double Features return on Sept. 11! After a few years off, we’ll be treated to Return of Dracula/The Vampire, Phantom from 10,000 Leagues/The Beast with a Million Eyes, & Konga/Yongary, Monster from the Deep. Also Best Buy will be featuring Vol. 2 of Universal’s The Classic Sci-Fi Ultimate Collection. The five black and white features are Dr. Cyclops, Cult of the Cobra, The Land of Unknown, The Deadly Mantis & The Leech Woman. Now I await news to the day BJs stocks the Monsters Cereal multibox. Then it’s truly my favorite time of the year. Spooky time!

TVLAND HATES VINTAGE TV

An email showed up from TVLand looking for reality show contestants. Unlike their recent reality shows that featured acting icons from their older programs, TVLand’s new slate of shows have zero to do with classic television. They want women over 35 ready to be models. They want people who crave their outrageous 40th birthday parties broadcasted. They want couple between 45-55 that are dumping their old jobs to pursue a life long dream. What the hell does this do with me wanting to watch I Love Lucy? The dorks at TVLand want to turn the channel into MTV for Middle aged people.

The channel is now showing Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. While I enjoy the show and have worked on it in the past, it’s not a Classic TV show. It’s still on ABC primetime. And the same goes to them running movies that have nothing to do with TV like The Negotiator.

Do I have to sue your asses, TVLand? Your channel promises me a nice mix of vintage TV shows. Can you not do your job? I don’t pay for your channel in order to watch new shows. Stop trying to bait and switch. You are a niche channel and you need to remain true to your promise to me.

You want to do original programming that ties into your mission? How about a show that interviews the character actors that popped up in dozens of great shows. How about a little tribute to James Wong? Do we really need a show about a middle aged couple opening up a Bed and Breakfast in the wine country? Would that be Dean and Tori Get Old?

Thank goodness Paramount Home Video is putting out the first batch of Love, American Style episodes on DVD this November. They also have more Perry Mason, Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, Mork and Mindy and Mission: Impossible. There’s going to be plenty of TV goodness on the shelf for the Christmas shopping season.

DIRTY POLITICS

Why do high profile Republicans have no sense of hygiene?

First off there’s that video footage of Mitt Romney at a pork cookout in Iowa. When he lifted the hunks of pork from the grill into a bag, one of the pieces fell off his spatula and onto the ground. Mitt picked the pork off the ground and put it back on the grill. “Five second rule!” he exclaimed. Is he psychotic? Will someone explain to Mitt the “five second rule” when it comes to large hunks of meat doesn’t mean you can just pick it off the ground and toss it back on the grill. You have pick the meat off the ground and wash the dirt away. You can’t serve people dirty meat. I bet if Mitt discovered his personal chef was serving him “five second rule” prime ribs, he’d be pissed off. But a voter in Iowa should be satisfied with his dirty slice of pork?

Should I really expect more from Mitt? Not really. This is a man who had a dog with the shits strapped to the family station wagon so that feces could drip off the back window and splatter onto motorcyclists. The Center for Disease Control needs to swab down Typhoid Mitt’s private plane to make sure he isn’t the reason the bees are disappearing.

The second big GOP Germy is Sen. Larry Craig. There’s no need to debate if he was really looking for a blow job in the Minneapolis airport bathroom. But there’s one thing that can’t be denied is his alibi that he reached into the adjoining stall to pick a piece of toilet paper off the tile. What? Who the hell picks anything off a men’s room floor? Do you know what is in that toilet paper? There is no five second rule when it comes to Public men’s restrooms. And there’s one major rule in the world of men’s restrooms, you never put your hand in another man’s stall. If your wedding ring falls off and rolls into another stall, you buy another one. He might as well have claimed he was tonguing the toilet seat to sanitize it for his ass.

At the next GOP convention, instead of having another “how great we are” speech, they must hire a nurse to explain proper hygiene techniques. Don’t let Mitt Romney kiss your baby. Who knows what he’ll allow his unwashed lips to touch for five seconds.

SUMMER’S GONE

What’s irritating about the year round school craze overtaking America is that right after a store removes the 4th of July fireworks display, they’re already slapping up the Back to School sales crap. We don’t get to enjoy summer since we have to worry about passing stopped yellow buses. Remember when summer lasted until Jerry Lewis sang, “You’ll Never Walk Alone?”

KILLING US SOFT SHOELY

After Mark Cuban goes off about how the internet is dead and boring, he signs up for Dancing with the Stars. Way to save civilization, Cuban. Guess he’s too much of sissy to be on my new show So You Think You Can Drink Nitro Glycerin and Do The Twist. It’s a tribute to Big Jim and Billy Sol on SCTV. Here’s a warning to Mark Cuban. According to my Magic 8 Ball, Marie Osmond will lead to the end of Cuban’s marriage!

THE DEATH OF COCK ROCK

Normally this would be the space to grouse about the music industry. But I’m feeling generous thanks to the latest albums by Amy Winehouse, Lily Allen and Feist. I’m not coming up with a fancy name to lump this trio into a genre. But it is quite obvious what’s lacking these days – bands with dicks. What happened to the cock rock? Why haven’t I heard a song and said, “Damn it! Those guys know what they’re doing!” Why does my lighter remain in my pocket instead of being waved over my head?

What happened to cock rock? I don’t want to think I’m turning into a pussy, but there’s very little alternative. Here we are in the midst of six years of war and the best we’re fed is Fall Out Boy and Nickleback. Why isn’t there a band filled with bile, blood dripping down their chin and with a riff that can’t be denied?

Where’s the next Black Sabbath with Paranoid 2? I’d settle for the second coming of Styx (or is already here as Maroon 5 and The Killers?). Is there any reason for Velvet Revolver to be considered a super group with their mediocre tunes? Velveeta Revolver is more like it.

Maybe the Hives will put balls back on the radio. But do they really have a new record or just pimpin’ Nike-iPod sneakers?

HAPPY TWENTY?

This is not a blog. It’s a column! This column has been around longer than the word blog has been in existence. This is the 20th anniversary of The Party Favors. At least we think it is. We were drunk in the mid-80s so that whole period of time is a blur. We were all doing lines of coke off Drew Barrymore’s ass between cameos on Miami Vice. Elvis the alligator was a mean drunk, but a lovable lush. Five a.m. would arrive when Epi would slide a live Nina Simone album onto the turntable. “Either get busy or fall asleep,” she’d insist. “The sun doesn’t take prisoners or excuses.” I miss Epi. I’d miss her more if I could only remember her last name. Or if Epi was her name or nickname. But since I stole her Nina Simone album, she’s always close to my heart and ears.

BACK TO SCHOOL

Did you know that Party Favors is taught in several leading universities? This column is used as a final exam in copyediting classes. And congratulations to Hank Ashbaum for winning last month’s “Spot the Typos” contest.

The nice thing about going to school in the 21st century is that you no longer have to worry about stashing your porn collection in the cramped dorm room. Or being soiled by your roommate. It’s all on the computer. That would have freed up at least five cubic feet in my old Turlington dorm room. Once a college official sent me a nasty letter pointing out that dorms should only be called residence halls. Dorms are what they call them in prisons, I was told. Oddly enough, a prison guard told me they don’t call them dorms, but residence halls. Nobody wins.

SANTA FE, NM – Remember those pictures of small kids fresh from working 14 hours deep inside a coal mine that popped up on TV news specials? The network newscaster would give a little talk about the evils of forcing kids to work inhumane conditions for prolonged hours for little pay. CBS has pretty much threw that attitude away with Kid Nation.

The network that once brought us Harvest of Shame decided to stick 40 kids in the New Mexico desert for the sake of mining ratings gold. They worked 8 year old children for at least 14 hours in the brutal elements so they can have a weekly harvest of 40 minutes of prime time nuggets. These kids were removed from school and their parents for nearly two months.

The nice part is that CBS got around all the child labor laws by claiming these kids were going to camp instead of working on a TV show. A camp? Really? When I went to summer camp, I created potholders for my parents. I didn’t create hours of prime time entertainment for America. When I went to camp, I spent quite a bit of time sitting near the campfire just being quiet. These kids were expected to create a multi-million dollar franchise for CBS tyrant Les Moonves. Think they were allowed to merely sit around and read a book? That doesn’t make exciting television. Does it now, Les? Those kids weren’t allowed to do what kids might really want do at camp. Instead you had a mandate of what you needed them to do so the show didn’t flounder. Kids Nation is a 21st century video-taped child labor camp. And you, Les, are Strother Martin in Cool Hand Luke. Did you visit the “camp” wearing a pair of mirrored sunglasses? Was one of the money contests for the kids eating 50 eggs? You had 40 inmates on that work farm. Instead of shotguns, your Boss Paul kept a camera on their every move.

The funny part is hearing that if the kids didn’t like it, they could leave. They weren’t being held against their will. Really? Isn’t that what all sweatshop owners say when they get busted on 60 Minutes? What would Les do if the 40 kids decided this show was stupid and they wanted to go home? These kids came to play a game. They know what happens to quitters on reality shows. They get blackballed from any further network shows. And they get mocked on the school bus. What 8 year old wants to live with the stigma of being a network quitter? They want Survivor fame. And the fat dollars for winning.

Les Moonves raped the corpse of Jackie Coogan. Every TV production rule that deals with using children in a TV production was set on fire by Moonves. He claims these kids were not employed by CBS. They were merely contestants on a game show. Here’s a new rule that networks need to observe… if a person can’t go home at the end of a production shoot, they aren’t contestants – they’re employees of a show. The people who appear on The Price Is Right are contestants. At the end of a show, they go home. They aren’t locked inside the Bob Barker soundstage until the next game begins. They don’t have cameras in their faces 24 hours a day. Even though it was the middle of the school year when this was shot, CBS didn’t have to provide on location tutors for the kids. That would interfere with the illusion that these kids were left alone in the wilderness to build their own society. Did all these kids flunk their grade level? I don’t know too many school systems that let you skip two months for the sake of making a TV show. Or did Les Moonves hire Juan Epstein’s mother to write them all notes?

Reports are now out that several children drank bleach during the shoot. The network still claims that the show was supervised. Who allowed the second kid to drink bleach? And the ones after that kid? There’s a major difference between an adult supervised camp and a reality show location. You want these kids to drink bleach at the reality camp cause it makes an amazing video. You get drama, confusion and rescue. It’s like an episode of E.R.: On the Range. Maybe these kids were supervised by the same professionals credited on Jackass?

Even from a scientific standpoint, can we enjoy this show? These were kids taken from their families with the lure of fame and prize money. Notice that nobody from CBS is defending this project to the press. Is an academic in charge of this social experiment? There’s no Margret Meade working at the Tiffany Network. Instead we’re stuck with weaselly producers who have the same moral code as sub prime mortgage dealers. Kid Nation dips into the ethics of concentration camp science. Can we truly use the research of Nazi scientists from torturing others for their pleasure as true research? Can we take anything away from Kid Nation with the knowledge that 8 year olds were exploited for the end product? Remember when CBS went after Kathie Lee Gifford for the kids that worked on her clothing line? CBS doesn’t mind tossing children into a sweatshop of reality programming.

Reading the contract these kids signed to appear on the show reveals the inhumane mindset of Moonves and his ilk. Like a concentration camp, a child could be murdered by the show’s producer and the parents couldn’t sue since that right was waived when they agreed to let the kid appear on camera. A kid could be raped by an HIV infected CBS employee and the parents would have no recourse against the network hiring sexual predators thanks to this contract. And if these kids dare talk about the truth of this reality show, CBS could sue the family for $5 million. If Hitler had put film cameras into his camps, he could have described them as extreme reality competitions. And those survivors who dared to tell the truth to the Allies would have their asses sued. The Nazis could have claimed they weren’t committing genocide, they were merely having a competition to see who would be the last person standing in their concentration camp reality show.

Why not that be CBS’s next reality show, Les Moonves? Recreate a Nazi work camp and randomly pick the guards and prisoners from your applicants. Your network did get boffo ratings for Hogan’s Heroes. Let’s take the next step. Since you obviously have no gag reflex, why not see what happens after six months of one group of people being called the “Master Race” while they imprison the sub humans? Why not recreate the “Stanford Prison Experiment” with celebrities? Maybe next year you can just stick a bunch of 8 year olds “contestants” in a coal mine and let us know that Edward R. Murrow was a sissy.