Author: UncaScroogeMcD

MALL OF AMERICA, MN – Help me! I’m trapped in line at the Pottery Barn and if this line doesn’t move faster my coupon will expire. They don’t always have two-for-one pickle fork deals. Sometimes I need to two-fist my dills.

Remember when stores had this concept known as customer service? When the folks working the register actually registered you as a customer? Half the time when I push my cart up, the person behind the counter is chatting with a co-worker. They will blindly start scanning my stuff without looking me in the eye or stopping their conversation. The machine with the money inside is not a watercooler. Look at me. Say, “Hello.” We don’t have to engage in a deep intellectual conversation about what’s the deal with Britney. At some point in our time together, you’re going to ask for money. When I open my wallet, I want to know that I’m handing my cash to someone who can at least fake that our time together mattered.

I’ve run a cash register before. I don’t expect you to do anything that I haven’t done for customers. The only reason you should be talking to a co-worker during “our time” is to get a price check. That’s it. You do not answer your cellphone when you’re scanning my stuff. If it is an important call, you can call them back when I’ve picked up my bags and said, “Thanks.”You can say, “Happy Holidays” to me since there’s so many damn holidays during this season. I’m not going to go John Gibson on your ass. Odds are that the stuff going in my bag is for this year’s Festivus dinner.

I don’t want have to take my action to the self service checkout. You know what that means? Why do they need to pay you to be customer service when customers can service themselves? You get laid off. The deal is simple. Say, “Hello” and act like I exist and I’ll make sure that you don’t get replaced by a computer.

HAPPY DVDS

With your favorite shows sliding into reruns thanks to the writers strike and Broadway going dark thanks to the stagehands taking to their own picket lines, it’s time to check out the DVD shelf. There’s a trio of TV shows that have released their third seasons. “Three of the Third” sounds like a new series on Lifetime starring Heather Locklear. But I won’t discuss my ideas for that show since that might be construed as pitching scab material by the SWG. Don’t want Brett Meisner deleting my column.

Happy Days: The Third Season brought the first major change to the long running series. No longer would this show be about The Cunningham family dealing with American life in the ’50s. Happy Days transformed into The Fonzie Show…featuring The Cunninghams. The first episode sets up the major changes with the title “Fonzie Moves In.” They come up with a real lame excuse to have Fonzie take residence in the space above the Cunningham’s garage. Now Fonzie could hang out in their living room every night. In the first season Fonzie was a semi-mysterious greaser who occasionally bestowed wisdom on Richie. He filled in for big brother Chip (who was always off at basketball practice). In season three, Fonzie said he was cool, but he spent way too much time with nerds like Richie, Potsie and Ralph. Instead of being dark and brooding, Fonzie became a comic character in a leather jacket instead of a shady outsider.

It’s hard to condemn this move since it elevated the show to the top of the ratings chart. People wanted more Fonz and less hardware stories. America was glued when “Fearless Fonzarelli” aired as a two parter. Fonz fears he’s lost his cool so he decides to jump 14 garbage cans on a slightly altered version of the You Asked For It TV show. The first episode finished with the Fonz frozen in mid-jump. America feared for a week that he’d be killed. Those of us in elementary school who didn’t understand that networks don’t kill stars swore Fonz would bite the asphalt like Evel Knievel. In season five they would repeat this plot when Fonzie jumps the shark. The big bonus in the DVD set is “The Second Anniversary Special” which was a clip show from episodes early in this season.

Mission: Impossible: The Third TV Season is considered by most as the pinnacle of the series seven seasons. This was the final year for Martin Landau (Rollin Hand) and Barbara Bain (Cinnamon Carter). They split the show over a salary dispute since Landau was supposed to be paid the same as Peter Graves. This final season of the master of disguise and the supermodel didn’t kill the espionage suspense that had been building from the first two seasons. They were a crack team and the off-camera animosity didn’t seep onto the film.

Greg Morris needs to be hailed for his groundbreaking work in the role of Barney Collier. He changed the course of espionage shows. Before Barney, the gadget guru was always a dweeb in a white lab coat who merely demonstrated the weapons to the sexy field agent. They were clones of James Bond’s Q. Barney’s character ran Collier Electronics as his day job. Instead of devising devices and passing them on to others, Collier operated them on the mission. He did as much heavy lifting as strongman Willy Armitage (Peter Lupus). Barney was the father of McGuyver. There should be a since award given out in Barney’s name to those that can concoct and execute.

My favorite episode of this season is “The Execution” where they construct a gas chamber to get a mobster to make an execution room confession. “The Freeze” has them trick a prisoner into blabbing about his hidden loot by a cryogenic subterfuge. The schemes they have to pull on their missions go beyond the first two seasons. For those of you with a foul taste in your mouth from the Tom Cruise movies, let me assure you that a majority of their missions do not involve them hunting down rogue former-Impossible Mission Force members. If you have fond memories of Mission Impossible, this is the season to snag and rekindle the passion.

The Wild Wild West: Season Three delivers the penultimate round of adventures. The series twisted the western by giving us two Secret Service agents with James Bond style espionage gadgets and buttkicking. And James West’s butt was what brought the ladies to the show. Robert Conrad’s pants were designed by NASA. Even in a long shot, his tight pants are obvious. Artemis Gordon (played by Ross Martin) was a bit of a Barney Collier with his creation of gadgets, but the duo seemed to get most of their prime weapons shipped in from the geek lab in D.C. Artemis was more concerned with being a master of disguise.

There’s only one episode featuring the diabolical Dr. Loveless, but it’s a good one. Jim and Artemis arrive at a funeral for “The Night Dr. Loveless Died.” They have to go through a series of clues to uncover the small villain’s final plot. “The Night of the Samurai” has them encounter Khigh Dhiegh, best feared as Wo Fat on Hawaii Five-O. Conrad looks great working the sword. Toshiro Mifune’s ass never looked as good.

The Paul Lynde Halloween Specialwins an award for the cheesiest DVD release of the year. The special starts off with Lynde thinking he’s hosting a Christmas special so you can play it this holiday season. This is pure ’70s bad variety show with Lynde doing a musical sketch dressed as a trucker. Check out his Paul’s chest hair. He’s joined by two legendary witches and Billy Barty. The big reason people will be buying this DVD is Kiss as the musical guests. Paul jokes about what their name really means. This should be essential holiday viewing with Pee Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special.

ENOUGH OSMONDS!

During a musical number in the Paul Lynde Halloween Special, Donny and Marie Osmond make a surprise cameo. Why is it that I can’t turn on the TV without seeing Donny and Marie? She’s on Dancing with the Stars. He’s always on Entertainment Tonight. They were Larry King and Oprah. There’s rumors that they might get an offer to revive the Donny and Marie Show.

Let this be a showbiz lie.

Recently I rented The Best of Donny and Marie to refresh my childhood memories. This 2 DVD set promised 4 episodes. But each episode was sliced in half. This should have been a single DVD. The editing was disappointing, but ten minutes into the show, I was relieved that it would be ending soon. How was I entertained by this show? The sketches were corny. The music selections were worse than American Idol. Why did I panic to get home in time to see the show? Like everyone in the ’70s, I must have been on huge amounts of drugs. There’s no other excuse.

While people might complain about the number of reality shows clogging up TV, this nothing compared to the torture dished out in the ’60s and ’70s in the guise of variety shows. While there were exceptions (Dean Martin and Paul Lynde knew how to ham it up), the variety show is best remembered and not revived. These things were written by the same schmucks that scratched out the witty exchanges given at award shows.

YOU’RE TIRED!

After Donald Trump bragged about all the A-List talent that was going to be calling his hotline to take part in Celebrity Apprentice, the sourpuss billionaire announced the 14 Superstars.

First off, how did he get Omarosa? She didn’t even come close to winning in her first attempt. Jeopardy doesn’t have a “Mediocre Former Players Tournament.” He got Big Pussy from The Sopranos. Will he last longer than his tenure on Dancing with the Stars? Marilu Henner from Taxi.Shouldn’t she be praying for the salvation of Shemp’s soul? Stephen Baldwin? He’s the nutty Baldwin brother. That doesn’t narrow it down for you? He’s the Baldwin brother who loves being on Fox News. Model Carol Alt was hot property in the early 80s.

Gene Simmons took a break from being A&E’s superstar! Hopefully him and Trump will have a prick off. What’s longer, Gene’s tongue or Trump’s combover? Odds are all his projects will involve a Kiss logo and topless girls in thongs. How is Nely Galan, who had something to do with The Swan, considered a celebrity? We’ll all be amazed to see Olympic gymnastics gold medalist Nadia Comaneci three decades after her glory. Trump couldn’t land Mary Lou Retton? There’s country singer Trace Adkins. He sticks out since he has an active career as a performer. Playboy Playmate of the Year Tiffany Fallon will attempt to impress the judges with her cleavage. We’ll know if Ivanka Trump is a wild girl by following her eyeline when she dresses down Tiffany in the Boardroom. Olympic softball gold medalist Jennie Finch will hamburger helper her career by switching to reality TV. “America’s Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will try to prove he’s not a Simon Cowell wannabe. Does Piers have talent?

Heavyweight boxing champ Lennox Lewis has found another excuse to duck a rematch with Klitschko. Another battler on the show is UFC’s Tito Ortiz. Has he won a match since I learned his name? Will Jenna Jameson help him out on challenges? Why didn’t she get chosen? She’s a star. Although she might be lined up for a very special season of Nip/Tuck.

These are 14 celebrities you can lock down when you need star power to open a Chuck E. Cheese in Las Vegas. Trump was promising Oscar winners and Headline makers. He was talking crap about wanting Rosie O’Donnell for the show. Instead he gives us Omorosa leftovers. Way to drop the ball, Trump. Celebrity Fit Club has more star power. Instead of playing for a job in the Trump empire, the winning “star” gets $250,000 to donate to their favorite charity. That’s a prize? These “celebrities” are their own charity.

TVBLAND

Who the hell did the voting for TVLand’s 100 Greatest TV Icons? How the hell did Don Knotts end up at 58 while Simon Cowell ends up at 47? Cowell has been phoning it in for the last four seasons on American Idol. He’s a parody of people who parody him. Don Knotts was comic gold. And Farrah Fawcett at 26? She’s an icon. But she was only on Charlie’s Angels for a single season. And why lump all the “Not Ready for Prime Time Players” into one vote. So Jim Belushi rates up there with John Belushi?

TVLand should just rank their 100 Greatest Reasons they’re getting out of showing vintage TV shows.

And what a lame easy list this Icon list is. Why doesn’t TVLand have 100 Greatest Character Actors in TV history? Where’s a tribute to Charles Lane? Blow us away with the various guest spots of James Hong! King of the creepy cameo: Bruce Dern! Rank the Landers sisters!

Remember that a good list shouldn’t repeat the obvious to the informed. It should shine a light on those that don’t have a publicity machine cranking their mega-watt empires.

My next list will have to be “100 Greatest Faces With No Names.” Or “Wasn’t that Guy killed in last night’s episode of Columbo?”

SPORTS HOTTY

Playboy Magazine is conducting a poll to determine the sexiest sports reporters on TV. They have the usual suspects of ESPN, Fox Sports and network ladies. When I think of sexy sports reporters – there’s only one: ESPN’s Tony Reali. The host of Around the Horn and beloved as Stat Boy on Pardon the Interruption can’t be denied that he’s got what Ashton Kutcher calls, “Man Pretty.” Reali also has the advantage of sharing a screen with Woody Paige and Tony Kornheiser. But he’d look hot around Jillian Barberie.

Hugh Hefner needs to put Reali on the ballot. How can you deny him his birthright?

CRUSH CRUNCH

Doesn’t Pringles in a bag completely defeat the purpose of being Pringles?

LINDSAY UNBARRED

What was the point of Lindsay Lohan serving 84 minutes in jail? The judge should have at least had her watch all 105 minutes of I Know Who Killed Me as part of her time behind bars. Or is that defined as torture by the Justice Department?

DALLAS – James W. Keyes is no longer on my Christmas card list. What did the CEO and Chairman of Blockbuster do? Let’s take a look at what he said during his little webcasted third quarter earnings report:

“A second move was to modify the offerings under our Total Access program to provide better value for by-mail only customers while also capturing greater returns from those seeking unlimited access,” said Keyes. “This was a conscious effort to prune the tree and in other words, we were willing to walk away from some of our subscribers, those at the far end of the usage scale who are not willing to pay a higher price for unlimited free exchanges.

One of those customers in fact was quoted in Newsweek saying, “in the nine months since I joined Total Access,” he said, “over 200 titles have been mailed to me. That is 200 titles that I returned to the store and got a freebie off of. It worked out to about 36 cents per DVD which means they lost a fortune on me just on postage fees.”

“Well, when we read that we challenged his math a bit; it is not exactly correct but he does certainly raise a good point. And the net result of the quarter, after our changes, was in fact a decline of about 500,000 subscribers, some of whom were in that category and whom we were happy to see move to the competition.”

In case you’re wondering, that was my quote from the Newsweek Online article. Thanks for trash talking me to the money. First off, Mr. Keyes, give me proper credit if you’re going to use my quote. My name was attached to the article. You didn’t have to do any real research. It’s called respect. Are you afraid to say my name, Mr. Keyes? Are you Shaq refusing to say Kobe’s name to the press?

My math deserves to be challenged. During the 8 months that I paid for Blockbuster’s Total Access, they shipped me 234 DVDs. And I exchanged them at the nearby brick and mortar store for new titles that rented for $4.25 a pop. So I paid Blockbuster $144 to be part of their club and borrowed 468 DVDs. I ended up paying 31 cents per DVD. Was Blockbuster paying less than 31 cents to mail me each DVD? And 31 cents to get it back? I also denied the cash register at my Blockbuster $994.50 when I walked out with my freebie DVDs. That doesn’t include the monthly free rental coupons and free rentals for Netflix envelopes. Throw those in deals and I made off with over a grand in “savings.” I never once paid for a rental.

I also never paid a late fee. I took advantage of their “No Late Fees” grace period. Those new rentals sat on my coffeetable for at least a week. I denied my local store 2 additional rentals when these titles were fresh and hot. That’s at least another $1,000 that didn’t work its way into Keyes’ Christmas bonus math. For my $144, Blockbuster paid for 468 stamps and was denied at least $2,000 in revenues. How many people not in my “category” were needed to balance me out in the books?

I’m curious about the “correct numbers” in Keyes’ math. How close was I to the accounting truth? He won’t confess since their special postage rate is a trade secret. No need to waste the facts on a former subscriber. But don’t tell me I’m wrong if you won’t confess what’s right.

It must burn Keyes that I’m the first customer to walk away from Blockbuster with the advantage. Millions of customers before me stormed away in a huff over an unexpected late fee that destroyed their children’s college fund. I could have sent a kid to Harvard on my Blockbuster savings. I’m speaking of Harvard Community College in Lower Botswatastan. Two grand doesn’t go far in the Ivy League. If you look at the brick and mortar register scoreboard, it was me “renting” 234 DVDs while the Blockbuster store collected ZILCH from my wallet. 234 to 0. Bill Belichick is disgusted that I at the lopsided score. How does the reverse burn feel, CEO Keyes?

Our final days as customer and CEO were pretty nasty. Keyes wants to act like I cheaped out and quit. He ignores the fact that with nearly two weeks left on my monthly payment, he froze my account. It took a threat of a class action lawsuit to get Blockbuster to give me my remaining two weeks of rentals. He was way too eager to kick me out of his little club. He didn’t want me to pay a little more. He wanted me banned for life.

About a week ago, I contemplated rejoining Blockbuster Total Access so I could nab the summer movies when they finally arrive on DVD. Thanks to Keyes acting like a jerk towards me, I won’t give him my business. Is this how you’re supposed to treat a customer? Who taught this guy business ethics? Did he skip the manners lecture? Does Keyes not understand that I’m his customer and he needs to treat me with respect and courtesy. Maybe he needs to take one of those customer service sensitivity courses? He should at least learn not talk while his mouth is full of his ass.

He might not like the fact that I rented 468 DVDs, but his company set the rules. He’s the one that signed off on commercials telling me all the marvelous things I can do with Blockbuster Online’s Total Access. I took full advantage of the deal. And now CEO Keyes wants me to look like the bad guy? Don’t take the conversation into that court, Keyes. Don’t make me look like a bad customer. You’re a lousy CEO, Keyes. You advertised an all you can eat buffet and threw a sissy fit when I went back for seconds. I beat you at your game and now you’ve taken your ball and ran home crying to momma like a little baby. Now you want to look tough around your toadies. Look at the scoreboard. You owe me a trophy for the pounding I gave your marketing team.

As far as Netflix goes, I never quit them because I sensed Total Access wouldn’t last. Reed Hastings hasn’t talked crap about me during his earnings report. Hopefully CEO Keyes can survive the holidays without finding my Seasons Greetings in his mailbox. Although if he approves another genius idea like Total Access, he’ll be found enjoying turkey at the rescue mission sharing a table with the brains behind New Coke, Analog HD and the XFL.

DVD-MANIA

With the writer’s strike in full swing, my normal late night TV viewing has been altered. Luckily there’s a ton of DVDs piling up on the coffeetable to hold back my Colbert withdrawals.

Ratatouille shows that Pixar has once again kicked Disney’s ass when it comes to feature animation. This is such a heartwarming story about a little rat who discovers he has a knack for French cooking. After watching it, I had to hit the Underground for Chef Daniel Taylor’s tempting sweet breads. Peter O’Toole needs to do more animated voice work. He was the perfect tone for the food critic. If I ever found a rat cooking in my kitchen, I’m still going to beat it to death with a frying pan. Ratatouille is my favorite film of the year.

When I have memories of turning on the TV in the 1970s, do you know what show appears on the fuzzy antenna attached tube in my mind? Why it’s Love American Style. This anthology series allowed sitcom actors to assume roles outside of their iconic characters. It was like The Love Boat without all the nautical nonsense. Love American Style, Season One, Volume One reunites the passion with the original hour long version of the show. In the last four decades, the show has been syndicated in 30 minute cuts. The three DVD set has the first dozen episodes which aired in 1969. They also restored the original Cowsills’ version of the theme song.

The DVD transfers look stunning when compared to the syndicated prints used Retro TV Network. On “Love and the Advice-Givers” Tina Louise’s red hair sizzles on the shiny disc. It looks mucky brown on RTN.

“Love and the Roommate” features Ted Bessell and his impeccable hair. Donald from That Girl finally dumps Ann Marie and hooks up with a Southern stewardess. He gets extra randy when he puts a move on her roommate, also a flight attendant. But since this is broadcast TV, Bessell can’t pull off the flying threesome. He plots to have his best buddy, played by John Beck (Moonpie from Rollerball, seduce his Dixie chick and leave the roommate in his direct flight path. Between Bessell and Beck, there’s enough studs to hang a mantelpiece.

“Love and the Modern Wife” has Bob Crane doing his greatest acting performance ever. How are we supposed to believe that he can’t score at a singles’ bar? Anyone who saw Autofocus knows that no lady ever escaped Col. Hogan’s stalag of lust. “Love and the Hustler” gives us the amazing trio of Flip Wilson, Eddie Anderson (Rochester from The Jack Benny Show) and Mantan Morland. Flip’s an out of control pool hustler who has to impress his new lady. Mantan is his usual brilliant self. Love American Style is a must for pop culture fiends.

If you’re looking for a holiday gift for the law student wrapping up their final semester, please deliberate over Perry Mason, Season 2, Volume 2 . I’ve grown addicted to watching this classic legal series on DVD. The new digital transfers are rich with the details flowing from the black and white frames. It’s like watching the show for the first time. If you’re a law student, Perry Mason is a good reference when it comes to the Bar Exam. After reading the question, ask yourself, “What would Perry Mason do?” And then eliminate that answer. In each episode Perry does something that should get him disbarred. How did Hamilton Burger keep getting re-elected district attorney since Perry burned his ass each week? Wouldn’t this be a great mudslinging point for his opponent? Or were other lawyers so fearful of getting their cases torched by Perry that they decided the job wasn’t worth it? My favorite episode from the second half of the sophomore season is “The Case of the Dubious Bridegroom.” Perry gets to tackle the subject of accidental bigamy.

CORRECTIONS & TIPS

Here’s a tip for young journalists: Don’t trust rock musicians when you meet them at Hooter’s around midnight. First off, Leif Garrett was kidding when he said he had an autobiography due out in 2008. His people told me he has no such book in the works.

Also Ian Mitchell was not part of the Bay City Rollers when they made their Saturday morning show with the Kroffts. Why did he answer my questions about working with H.R. Pufnstuf? I bet the Vito sisters would have known this fact. Why did Leif and Ian have to tell me stories?

Although here’s a story that our waitress Mandy told us. One night this guy comes in and sits in her section. He opens his wallet and pulls out ten $100 bills. “At the end of my meal,” he tells her, “You’re either going to go out with me on a date or I’m going to tip you a thousand dollars.” She thought he was lying, but he kept the money on the table. Mandy kept talking to him as only a Hooter’s waitress can. When he asked for a check, she asked for the date and sacrificed the money. Her thinking was that if he’s willing to blow a grand on a tip; he’s got to know how to treat a woman right.

Turns out he was lackluster as a dater although she went out with him a few times to make sure it was true. She got pissed off when he pulled the same $1,000 tip stunt at a crosstown Hooter’s during lunch before they were supposed to go out for dinner. Those Hooter’s waitresses like to talk.

If she had to do it again; Mandy would take the cash. If you ever wondered what’s the difference between a stripper and a Hooter’s waitress, it is this: A stripper always goes for the money.

NO ROYALTY

There will be no more talk here about the short guy in purple and heels from Minnesota since he promises to slap me with a court order. We’re not even allowed to use the color purple on this page since he owns the color. Although rumor has it that Donnie Osmond will be suing him for joint custody.

GEORGE PAID FOR THE SWARM

When will Hollywood stars stick it to Time-Warner for TMZ? How can you make a deal with a studio that unleashes their horde of video crews on Hollywood every night hoping to see you screw up? Does George Clooney understand that his Ocean’s 11 profits fund that greaseball stalking him outside your favorite watering hole? Will George and the TMZ cameramen share a table at the company Christmas party?

DOG BARKS

Why exactly is America shocked that Dog the Bounty Hunter uses racist language? Did I miss the memo that somehow the guy who dresses as if he’s an extra in Escape From New York is a model citizen? The guy is an ex-con and he spends his days hunting down criminals. Of course he’s not going to have the highest opinion of humanity.

The funny part of this meltdown is that he told his son exactly what to do with an audiotape of him dropping the N Bombs as if Michael Richards was auditioning for the Samuel L. Jackson role in The Quentin Tarantino Story. And for that he deserves to have his show yanked off A&E. The “E” is for Education and if you aren’t smart enough to stay out of the scandal sheets, you need to get off the channel.

It’s not like he quit his dayjob for showbiz. It’s back to keeping the scum off the sidewalks of Honolulu for Dog. Or are all the bail jumpers sent over from central casting? Was it all a made for TV fraud?

What it’ll take for Gene Simmons to get tossed into the vault? Confirmation of the rumor that Gene and Shannon Tweed were secretly married a decade ago? Or exposing that Gene has been faithful to her since they met? Could Gene’s notorious Polaroid collection be borrowed from the ghost of Bob Crane?

We all know that nothing can stop Criss Angel since his Mindfreak stunts have been exposed on Youtube and nobody cares. If Criss Angel was a real magician, shouldn’t he have a live stage show? Instead he does TV magic which features tons of cut aways and edits. Penn and Teller hit the stage and prove their slight of hand every night. The greatest trick Angel ever pulled was the invisible wife while he was getting kissy face with Cameron Diaz. I heard reports that when the cameras aren’t rolling, Criss’ accent disappears and he sounds like Edwin Newman.

Can someone explain why VH1 hasn’t yanked Hogan Knows Best? The son nearly killed a guy in a car wreck. He gets charged with reckless driving and drinking. The Hogan family issued a craptacular press release that declared among other things, “The tragedy to both families is compounded by the fact that unfortunately John was not wearing his seatbelt. Thankfully, Nick was wearing his.” Wow, it takes balls to blame the victim. One should always wear a seatbelt when the driver is drunk and driving like a maniac. Nice to know we live in an entertainment world where if you use naughty language, you’re banished from the boob tube. But if you put a man into a coma; your regular broadcast schedule will not be interrupted.

SING TO MY NUTS

MTV’s broadcasting of Legally Blonde: The Musical from Broadway disappointed me. While the singing and dancing was fun, the big moment from the movie wasn’t given a show stopping moment. Where was the song when the scummy Professor Callahan puts the moves on Elle Woods?

I was waiting for Callahan to lock the office door and break into a warm melody reminding Elle that “You gotta go down if you want to make it to top. There’s no glass ceiling between your head and my crotch! You’re going to do things that won’t feel right. Let’s start now so you won’t be tight.” Also there should be the lines: “I’m not old enough to be your father, but I’ll make you call me daddy.” “The jury in my pants is hung!” “I gotta cross examine all over your torts!” Imagine Callahan strutting around the stage to excite Elle with his thrusts. When Elle slaps him, you’ll swear he just blew his load.

We need a great Broadway song about sexual harassment. Pervs need theme music, too.

A SECOND TAKE?

The trio of girls from The Hills hosted the MTV broadcast of Legally Blonde. They kept giving this look to the side of the camera as if to say, “You want us to make an effort?” Is this part of their disguise to make us think they are somehow “real” and not actors playing roles on a scripted MTV series? Remember when MTV personalities had so much enthusiasm that we wanted them to shut up?

WRAP THEM UP

Why is every reality star that I despise shown decorating Macy’s for Christmas? Are they trying to completely alienate a consumer base that doesn’t want to contribute to the ego worship of Donald Trump, Jessica Simpson, Sean Combs and Kimora Lee Simmons?

How come Gene Hackman doesn’t have his own line of pants? I’d trust a pair of Hack’s Slacks for being comfortable and well fitting.

HELLISH

Who is this Diablo Cody and why must she walk the SWG strike line in Lolita glasses?