Author: UncaScroogeMcD

WINSTON-SALEM – Peter Bogdanovich is cinema. He went from being an entertainment reporter to an Oscar nominated director thanks to a degree from Roger Corman University. He and Polly Platt (they were married at the time) teamed up to create four hit films (Targets, The Last Picture Show, What’s Up Doc? and Paper Moon). He directed and she was production designer (among her many roles). But Bogdanovich is a passionate man which explains why he had an affair with Cybill Shepherd during The Last Picture Show. Platt stuck around for two more films. His directorial career proved rocky after Platt stopped working with him. He lost a fortune releasing a movie featuring the ill-fated Dorothy Stratten. He found second life as an actor including his time as Dr. Melfi’s shrink on The Sopranos. Now he’s teaching film students at the North Carolina School of the Arts. The man has a lot to talk about.

Recently Adam Hulin sat down with Bogdanovich for an interview that covered the director’s career. Hulin should be known to Party Favors readers as the co-curator of the thrilling Cinema Overdrive film series in Raleigh, NC. He used to run a drive-in theater in the middle of Texas so he understands the terrain of The Last Picture Show. By Bogdanovich covers the filmmaker’s career from his early time with Corman to his friendship with Orson Welles. The special is now available for viewing on Youtube as a 12 part series. I had a chance to swap email with Hulin about talking cinema with the ultimate cineaste.

Party Favors: What inspired you to want to conduct a career survey interview with Peter Bogdanovich?

Adam Hulin: Originally, Second Cinema’s Matt Hayhurst wanted to shoot a 15-30 minute interview with Peter for Second Cinema and Time Warner On-Demand. He knew that I’d gotten to know Peter a little since he’d moved to NC to teach at the School of the Arts and asked if I could set something up for him. Not long after, Matt suggested that I should helm the interview and gave me carte blanche (but not a blank check) on the format. Once everything was agreed on, I prepared to do a career retrospective.

Party Favors: What did he think of dedicating so much time to the interview?

Adam Hulin: You don’t have to twist Peter’s arm to get him talking. He’s an amazing raconteur. I think he appreciated having the chance to talk about some of his lesser known films.

Party Favors: Had you met Bogdanovich before contacting him for the interview?

Adam Hulin: Yes, I had met and talked to him several times before we conducted the interview. He’s always been extremely polite and generous with his considerable knowledge of cinema history.

Party Favors: Were there any ground rules?

Adam Hulin: The only constraint I had was a 2-hour time limit due to his schedule. There were no rules regarding subject matter whatsoever.

Party Favors: How was it talking about Polly Platt with him? (Platt recently passed away after battling ALS for years).

Adam Hulin: He didn’t mind talking about her, but Peter and Polly definitely had a very complicated relationship. It seemed like it was the most strained of his previous romances. In contrast, he’s maintained strong ties with both Cybill Shepherd and Louise Stratten.

That being said, he gave her credit for important suggestions and contributions she’d made early on in his career like pushing him to do Paper Moon after his epic western fell through. She and Sal Mineo were the two key people who convinced him that the novel of The Last Picture Show could be turned into a great movie.

In any case, it’s tragic when anyone has to deal ALS, so my heart goes out to Peter and their two daughters.

Party Favors: What question were you most eager to ask?

Adam Hulin: I didn’t have a prepared list of questions, but the two topics I was most eager to talk to him about were his two biggest flops (At Long Last Love and Illegally Yours) and his two favorite films (Saint Jack and They All Laughed).

Party Favors: Was there an answer he gave that was completely unexpected?

Adam Hulin: I don’t know about unexpected, but I appreciated the fact that he was willing to talk about some extremely painful experiences, namely Dorothy Stratten’s murder and its effect on his desire to continue making movies. He’s never gotten over her death, he’s just learned how to live with it.

Party Favors: Did you consider shooting the interview in black and white?

Adam Hulin: It probably occurred to me at one point. Ultimately, I figured since the vast majority of his pictures are in color, the interview would play better if it matched up to most of the clips. Besides, you couldn’t tell what color neckerchief he’s wearing if it was in black and white.

Party Favors: Will there be a transcript of your interview?

Adam Hulin: I haven’t planned on it. Perhaps one day I’ll transcribe the unabridged version of the interview, not that there’s much missing from the finished film.

Party Favors: Which of his films are your favorites?

Adam Hulin: In chronological order: Targets, The Last Picture Show, Paper Moon, Saint Jack and They All Laughed.

From his later work, both Noises Off and The Cat’s Meow are very good. What’s Up, Doc? and Mask were both successes and hold up well. Daisy Miller is perhaps his most underrated film.

Party Favors: When you tell people you interviewed Bogdanovich, do you list his films or just cut to “He was Dr. Melfi’s shrink on The Sopranos?”

Adam Hulin: If they’re under 30, I mention The Sopranos. If they’re over 40, I mention Picture Show, Doc and Paper Moon. For some reason, possibly because they’re black and white, Picture Show and Paper Moon don’t get anywhere near the same kind of TV play films like The Godfather, The French Connection or American Graffiti do.

Party Favors: How is he liking life in North Carolina?

Adam Hulin: He seems to be getting along fine in NC. He frequently travels on weekends to make Q&A appearances at film festivals and screenings of either his own or his favorite directors’ movies.

Party Favors: His documentary about Tom Petty was well received. Do you sense he’ll do another rock doc?

Adam Hulin: As far as I know, he doesn’t have any plans to make another doc, but one can never tell. As of right now, the two projects he’s concentrating on are his screwball comedy, Squirrels to the Nuts, and completing the edit on Orson Welles’ The Other Side of the Wind, which Peter co-starred in around 1972.

Party Favors: Who do you think had a bigger influence on him as a filmmaker: Orson Welles or Roger Corman?

Adam Hulin: Welles influenced his use of extreme depth of field photography, but I’d say Howard Hawks’ understated directing style has had the greatest influence on his filmmaking. Peter is a master of filming lengthy and difficult shots that don’t draw attention to themselves.

Party Favors: Do you think it helped that his first film’s star was Boris Karloff so his career as a director nearly spans the history of cinema when it comes to actors?

Adam Hulin: He’s always been outspoken about how much he adored working with Karloff. He also appreciated getting the chance to work with other classic Hollywood actors like Ben Johnson and Mildred Natwick. One of his biggest regrets is that he never got to film his version of Lonesome Dove starring John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart, and Henry Fonda. Like many filmmakers, Peter feels like he was born a generation too late.

Party Favors: Will he ever work with Ryan O’Neal again?

Adam Hulin: He always says that he never had to deal with a problematic Ryan O’Neal on the set. Apparently Ryan was very cooperative on the three pictures they made together. After Nickelodeon some bad blood developed between Peter, Ryan, and Burt Reynolds. I think this mostly had to do with the film being a tough and physically arduous shoot. After it opened and didn’t do well, there was some finger-pointing going on all around. Peter’s biggest problem with Ryan has a lot more to do with his abusive behavior towards Tatum.

Party Favors: When you were done running the drive-in, did you run Last Picture Show as the finale?

Adam Hulin: I never ran Picture Show at my drive-in, even though the film’s location, Archer City, was only 80 miles away. I will say that I had a much deeper understanding of the book and the movie after having lived in the same area for four years. Honestly, not much has changed.

Targets was the movie I seriously considered running at my theatre since it’s the greatest film to use a drive-in as a primary location. What could be more exciting than watching a film about a sniper hiding behind a drive-in screen while sitting in your car at a drive-in? It’s a shame I never got around to booking a print of it.

Party Favors: After the entire experience, do you still have questions for him?

Adam Hulin: He’s pretty much an inexhaustible resource of all things cinema.

LENNY BRUCE?

Why is Nik Richie of the dirty website pimpin’ his book proposal by calling himself the 21st Century Lenny Bruce? Cause the harsh truth is that Nik Richie isn’t even the 21st Century Larry the Cable Guy. Has he read How to Talk Dirty and Influence People? Has he heard Thank You, Mr Masked Man? Has even watched Lenny? Cause then he’d be forced to admit that he hasn’t a clue as to what Lenny Bruce has to do with his website.

Does Nik Richie know who he really is? He’s Ralph Cirella from Howard Stern’s posse. He makes little wisecracks about how a woman thinking she belongs in Playboy has a botched boob job. That’s what Ralph does to those women who swear they’re ready to be a centerfold. But being the 21st Century Ralphie isn’t as hot as being the new Lenny Bruce. Calling yourself the 21st Century Ralphie makes it sound like you’re the lead in A Christmas Story 2: I’ll Shot My Eyes Out. Nik ought to wear a bunny suit on the cover of his book. It’s what Lenny Bruce would have done.

THE BALLS OF CHARLES NELSON REILLY

Celebrity Bowling was Match Game with balls in the ’70s. The program brought together four well known stars to hang out at the gutter. The dvd contains 15 match ups featuring bigger names than the history of Dancing with the Slugs. Supposedly this recently aired on ESPN Classic, but all I ever saw on that channel was forgettable college bowl games. This is a series that ought to be airing on ME-TV or Antenna TV. I’d be up for Celebrity Bowling after an episode of Love American Style. They made 144 episodes. Break out a six pack of Schlitz and take in the pin busting action. Where else will you see Billy Barty, Charles Nelson Reilly, Nipsy Russell, Roy Rogers, John Saxon, Angie Dickinson and George Foreman in rental shoes?

BLU-RAY HEAVEN

Bambi II Special Edition isn’t quite a sequel to the Disney classic Bambi so much as it’s a middle-quel. Instead of starring the grown up deer, we’re taken back to the time when Bambi has to deal with growing up mother-less. His dad tries to pawn him the kid off on another lady deer, but there’s no takers for various reasons. Thus dad has to raise the child. The two learn about relying on each other even though the little one is still sad about mom’s end. Thumper shows up to make sure Bambi isn’t that good of son. Purists will moan about this not being canon. Parents will rejoice that they can put this in the rotation rather than have to watch and hear Bambi on constant repeat. The soundtrack includes a song by Alison Krauss to please the grown ups. The Blu-ray also contains the DVD so you can have it to watch in the house or the mini-van without a care. The bonus features include a deleted song, a making of and an interactive game featuring Thumper. The image looks good since the film was originally released in 2006.

MST3K SOLO LAUNCHES

DVDs will go out of print for various reasons. Nobody cares too much most of the time and you can find them used for less than their original retail price. But there are those special titles that soar out of control. Such is the fate of several Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes that originally came out on nearly a decade ago. Thankfully Shout! Factory is re-issuing them so MST3K fans won’t have to sell too much plasma. Red Zone Cubaand The Unearthly are the latest. The Unearthly is a poverty row quicky with John Carradine as the mad scientist dealing in mutant life. His assistant is the immortal Tor Johnson (Plan 9 from Outer Space. Tor is red hot in his role. The Bots point out his emotional range. He’s a regular Richard Burton. The invention exchange features the mad scientists evil plans for pills that are hard to swallow. Joel and the Bots create a destructive entry for America’s Funniest Home Videos. There are two educational shorts: “Posture Pals” and “Appreciating Our Parents.” Don’t fall for these lies. You should always slouch and expect mom to do your laundry without thanks. What good is unconditional love if you care?

Red Zone Cuba is a fine piece of “torn from today’s headlines” filmmaking. In this case director Coleman Francis claims that escaped convicts were sent down to the Bay of Pigs to fight Castro. There must have been a conspiracy to make this film really bad. Which means it’s prime for Mike and the Bots to riff wild on the political intrigue. Mike and the Bots dress up in tuxedos. Mike flips out and disguises himself as Carol Channing. There’s even a T-Bone Burnett joke long before T-Bone became an Oscar winner. This is the first Mike in the lead episode released in a long while. It’s good to see him back in the jumpsuit. Along with the feature is the educational short “Speech: Platform, Posture and Appearance.” The title spoils the surprise of the film.

Both The Unearthly and Red Zone Cuba are available only through Shout! Factory’s website (http://www.shoutfactorystore.com).

CORMAN CORNER

Roger Corman’s Cult Classics All-Night Marathon Sword and Sorcery Collection is four movies about the time when barbarians and magic rule the world! Or at least ruled the videostore so that kids with polyhedral dice could figure out what to do with their slave girl fantasies. These four classics are packed with metal, loin clothes, bare torsos and even a few chests with extra breasts. Back in the mid-80s, Dungeons and Dragons players would go to Videorama looking for Conan the Barbarian starring Arhnuld. Odds are they only had one or two copies and they were always out. So what did you do? Rent Benji? Nope. You searched the covers for another box covered in Boris Vallejo art. That’s the shelf bait Roger Corman did with a majority of these titles. Deathstalker is Conan-esque. Rick Hill is the blond with massive pecs who has to uncover three magical objects before an evil sorcerer. His big help includes Playboy‘s Barbi Benton and Lana Clarkson. It’s something for all the viewers in that lusty trio. What the producers spent in sets, they saved in a lack of wardrobe for the actresses. Deathstalker II is director Jim Wynorski’s cheeky sequel. John Terlesky is now Deathstalker. He’s got to deal with Monique Gabrielle (Emmanuelle V, Bachelor Party and Penthouse Pet). Have I told you the story about how she came up to my college radio station wearing a tank top and silver parachute pants? She was hot in person. You can experience her hotness on this transfer. The evil sorcerer is played by John Lazar. He’s cinema royalty for being Z Man in Russ Meyer’s Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. This is cheesy fun in furs.

Barbarian Queen gives the leading role to Lana Clarkson. She’s unfortunately best known for being the actress killed by Phil Spector. In the movie, she must defend her people against evil. Even though a woman is in charge, there’s still a lack of clothing for the female characters. What these films lacks in plot, it makes up in nudity. The Warrior and the Sorceress is almost like a diabolical version of Kung Fu. David Carradine plays Kain, a warrior-priest. This almost sounds like his warrior-priest character in Kung Fu named Caine. He ends up in a town playing two rival tribes against each other as they battle for control of the central well. This duo of film were originally released as Shout! Select titles. If you already bought them last year, you can loan them out to any college kids that want an old school D&D weekend. You might want to throw in a couple Rush albums. The four films are charming cheesefests that don’t pretend to be Game of Thrones.

MORE KROFFT FUN

Sigmund and the Sea Monsters Season One contains more of Sid and Marty Krofft’s Saturday Morning Puppet weirdness from the ’70s. Unlike previous shows, the child star doesn’t fall into an alternate universe. The puppet comes to the real world this time. Sigmund isn’t like the rest of his sea monster relatives. He hates to scare people. He roams away from his aquatic home and into the lives of Johnny (Whitaker of Family Affair) and Scott (Kolden of The Mystery of Dracula’s Castle). The beach-loving brothers have to hide Sigmund from their housekeeper (I Love Lucy‘s Mary Wickes) and a nosey neighbor (The Wizard of Oz‘s Margaret Hamilton). Luckily they have a cool clubhouse to hide him inside. They boys parents are on a constant vacation which explains their disappearance. They also have to deal with Sigmund’s monster relatives. They’re the original Squidbillies. Belated ’70s crush Pamelyn Ferdin guests on a couple episodes. Season One has 17 episode of coastal subterfuge. The video masters have a better resolution than the previous release. There’s a twenty minute interview with Whitaker and Kolden about their lives, the shows and Billy Barty. Whitaker shows off his double take lessons learned from Mary Wickes. They’ve got cool Sigmund stuffed monsters. They included 8 mp3s of Johnny’s songs from the series. Rock out! Coverage of Sid and Marty with Olivia Munn is included. Sid tells the tale of the time they met Walt Disney. I’ve never seen Munn so wrapped up and proper. They have Sigmund skateboards. No news as to when they’ll release Season Two. That’s when Rip Taylor arrived. Just bring on more of the Krofft freaky fun.

DVD SHELF

Phineas and Ferb The Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension wins bonus points for mocking the 3-D craze. My five year old nephew went nuts when the hype for this TV special started. Forget Phantom Menace – this is what excites the little ones. The Disney Channel show is a huge hit. Naturally the mouse had to give P&F a 77 minute movie. Phineas, Ferb and Perry the Platypus follow Dr. Doofenshmirtz into an alternate universe. It’s the universe where the Doc is worshiped like a god and he has a cool dueling scar. The visit turns nasty since the evil Doc has plans to invade the other dimension with his robot army. Only the Platypus can save humanity. The big advantage of the DVD is 8 deleted scenes sure to excite a five year old. They also throw in the “Attack of the 50 Foot Sister” episode. Along with a digital copy of the movie, there’s an 8 song soundtrack. Kids can sing this songs all weekend long. The big bonus is a Platypult. You can build a game that lets you launch pog like discs. This is perfect for annoying the co-worker on the other side of the veal pen wall.

The Perfect Host marks the glorious return of David Hyde Pierce. He smartly twists around his Dr. Niles Crane persona from Frasier. Pierce seems to be just the same fuddy duddy snob from Seattle. He’s in the middle of readying the house for a dinner party when a Clayne Crawford interrupts. Clayne just robbed a bank and needs a safe haven till the cops split the scene. He thinks Pierce is the perfect mark. Except what he sees isn’t what’s really happening. It’s a fine twisty film that will freak out your mom if she somehow thinks this is the Dr. Niles Crane movie. In fact, you should tell her this was a pilot film for a spin-off and watch her reaction. Fans of ’70s music will get a buzz out of seeing Helen Reddy return to the screen. She is woman, hear her roar.

Troll Hunter is coolness from Norway. A group of kids track a man they think poaches bears. As they sneak up on the guy in the wilderness, they realize he’s not into slaughtering Gentle Ben. Nope. He’s after a much bigger critter: Trolls! It’s shot through the kid’s video camera. Think of it as Cloverfield except not nearly as annoying. The effects look convincing when the troll attacks. If you’re addicted to SyFy original movies, you really need to go hunting trolls in Norway. There is an English dub track for people who don’t understand Norwegian.

BKO: Bangkok Knockout is a film as badass as its title. The plot is simple as a fist to the head. A group of pals reunite. They were a fight club that would test their various martial arts skills on each other and others. Someone crashes their party and along with stealing the fun, there’s a kidnapping. It’s up to them to rescue their friends and kick lots of ass. This is so much better than Nic Cage’s Bangkok Dangerous. What elevates BKO is Panna Rittikrai. He was the stunt coordinator on Ong Bak. His direction on BKO is simple – give the viewers the goods. This is the kinda film you’d want to name your band after.

The Police Story: Season One arrives in time to stop my thinking about what’s dad going to get for Christmas. This was the best police anthology show ever on TV. Creator Joseph Wambaugh was an ex-LAPD cop. He understood the true personalities and lives of cops and wasn’t merely recycling what he’d seen in other shows. The series didn’t have any central characters like Hill Street Blues or The Wire. Each week would give us new characters with badges, although a few would recur. Major stars would show up to be the leads. The pilot TV movie “Slow Boy” could be mistaken for a theatrical release with Vic Morrow (The Bad News Bears) part of an elite unit that’s pursuing Chuck Connors (The Rifleman). Get a taste of what happens with Vic and Chuck face off in a supermarket. Clean up on aisle 13.

“Dangerous Games” gives us Fred Williamson as a pimp marked by the vice squad. Can he outsmart them and find out which of his ladies is a snitch? “The Ten Year Honeymoon” lets Claude Akins shine. For those who merely know him as a comic Sheriff Lobo, Claude had some serious cop chops. “Death on Credit” gives the triple thrill of John Saxon, Tina Louise (Gilligan’s Island‘s Ginger) and Rory Calhoun. Mr. Burns shall be pleased. “Line of Fire” blasts Jan-Michael Vincent and Alex Cord with Cameron Mitchell. Coincidentally, Vincent and Cord meet up later for Airwolf. Vic Morrow returns for “Countdown” with Tige Andrews (Mod Squad). Good to see Vic’s finest work coming back onto the screen thanks to DVDs. “Cop in the Middle” squeezes in Sid Haig. “Country Boy” teams up Kurt Russell with Gary Collins. Keep Gary away from your RV. “The Runners” has the cool mix of Frankie Avalon, Jackie Cooper, Dandy Don Meredith (Monday Night Football), Sal Mineo (Rebel Without a Cause, Jack Soo (Barney Miller) and Nehemiah Persoff (every cop show of the ’70s). Smokey Robinson acts in “Wyatt Earp Syndrome.” “The Gamble” is what turned into Police Woman with Angie Dickinson flashing the badge. Bert Convy’s her boss. The lack of a central character helps makes things on the series more realistic. Cause all this action couldn’t happen to the same police squad. The big bonus is an interview with Joseph Wambaugh about the series. Get your dad and yourself a copy of Police Story: Season One.

Airwolf The Movie features the original pilot with more violence than was allowed on American TV. It’s 82 minutes long with a few extra violent moments that weren’t good for broadcast TV back in the early ’80s. Airwolf is a billion dollar helicopter that can do everything from the speed of sound to explosive power of a battleship. Things go wrong when it’s tested out by the CIA for a powerful congressman. Turns out the creator (Blow Up‘s David Hemming) has sold America out for an offer by Libya’s Moammar Gadhafi for the chopper. He can’t have that weapon. The CIA’s Alex Cord must get it back. His only hope is luring the original test pilot, Jan-Michael Vincent. He’s extremely reluctant to get back in the game. But after a major arm twisting, he takes on the mission with his pal, Ernest Borgnine (McHale’s Navy). There’s air battle action in the desert that make this feel like a great low budget action film and not a cheap TV pilot. The big bonus feature is the immortal Ernest Borgnine discussing his time on the show. When will the Kennedy Center honor Ernest?

NCIS: Los Angeles: The Second Season will please the ladies with more sweaty action from LL Cool J and Chris O’Donnell. The duo continue to go undercover on various military oriented missions. Linda Hunt keeps them in line. Alan Ruck moves things along on “Human Traffic.” Star Trek: The Next Generation Fans will get a peek at Jonathan Frakes on “Disorder.” He also directed the episode. How come there aren’t any other rappers or hunks of the ’90s making cameos on the show? Why isn’t LL Cool J forced to take down Busta Rhymes? The show works the military operation angle properly to keep up the tension. There’s 24 episodes this season. Claire Forlani gets a recurring role towards the end of the season.

NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: The Complete Eighth Season proves Mark Harmon is a very smart guy. At this point in a dramatic series, the star is aching to break free of his bread and butter character. Think of all the shows lately that swap out lead actors for various creative reasons? Harmon’s been around long enough to know not to get out of the roller coaster while the ride is still going. Cause a majority of the time it isn’t pretty for the actor or the show. This season focused on the CIA meddling in NCIS’s operations. They’re not happy at being out done by Harmon’s crew. The final episodes focuses on the Port-to-Port homicidal manic. This guy is the killer that they fear the most – cause he’s good and doesn’t like to make mistakes. He’s the kinda killer that has you turning one episode into a marathon night that ends right before you have to get up for work. You might want to wait for the weekend before hitting play on this storyline.

Politics of Love finally sexes up the ’08 election. Mallika Sherawat is an Obama supporter who finds love in an unusual place. She runs into Brian J. White who doesn’t quite seem her type since he’s all about McCain-Palin and is a minority. How can he support the grumpy old man and youbetcha lady? How can she fall for the guy? Will their politics pull them apart or make their sexual chemistry more explosive? Ruby Dee and Loretta Devine are their to make sense of their hearts. I’m more excited about the fact that Tracey Walter (Repo Man) arrives on the scene. He knows his presidential action. He ought to be running this year. How does Malika not run off with Tracey?

TOKYO – Ever fight the urge to puke your guts up when staring at the magazines along the supermarket checkout?

The sensation nearly got the best of me last week when I was stocking up on Throwback Mountain Dew. There was Todd Phillips the director of The Hangover sucking face with Paris Hilton. Why? Why would he do such a thing with such a thing?

Why should I care?

Back in the ’90s, I met Todd through our mutual friend John Pierson. We were the bad boys of Pierson’s Split Screen series. Both of us had upset the executives at IFCTV. He for his love of porn king Seymore Butts. My troublemaking involved scenes of highway deaths, live birth and the gassing of puppies. I enjoyed Todd since he ran the NYC Underground Film Festival and made the documentary about G.G. Allin. He was f’n hardcore in a Film Threat way. Once when he and John were in Raleigh, I bought Todd a beer at a bar. I felt good for his success that came from his chance meeting with Ivan Reitman (Ghostbusters) on a snowy Manhattan street. I didn’t even complain when his shooting of the Wedding Chapel scene stopped my Deuce bus in Las Vegas. Although we thought it was a CSI shoot.

I was a starving film student living on Top Ramen and tuna. But I didn’t mind breaking the bank to pick up the round of beers for him and John. It was a warm memory of cold goodness. Now that Paris’ friends are swearing that Todd might be her future husband, I feel cheated. I’d rather have bought a beer for Stalin, Bucky Dent or CarrotTop.

Why would he be seen in public with her? She’s last decade’s Khloe Kardashian. Maybe some hickish goofball that made an infomercial would be impressed with her in the passenger seat. Todd’s a bigger name than her when it comes to a paying crowd. He’s worth more than her with his Hangover paydays. Her latest reality show tanked. Her time on talkshows is excruciating. There’s nothing beyond her mug shots.

Perhaps Todd can’t get enough of her droning on about how she’s a hard worker. Or maybe her thrilling tales of days inside jail when she felt like a criminal. Or how about memories of her last boyfriend taking the rap for the accidental cocaine that was in a purse that she swore wasn’t really hers. Who wants to take a felony rap for her? She’s like a rental moped at St. Barts. No matter what you imagine, you’re kissing a lot tourist ass on her leathery cheeks.

How could Todd have done this? I would been more understanding if he had been busted for cornholing the rotting corpse of Bea Arthur. What man couldn’t understand the urge to be an Excitable Boy?

I wandered out back to my Beautiful Mind shed to contemplate the abyss. After hours connecting magazine articles with string and breathing in rubber cement,
the truth hit me. Todd Phillips that drank my beer isn’t the Todd Phillips that sucked Paris Hilton’s face.

What really happened on the legendary snowy night when Todd shouted to Ivan Reitman that he was a better filmmaker than Robert Simonds? The myth is Ivan set up a meeting with Todd and thus Road Trip was born. But that’s part of the mystery. How can Todd Phillips go from Hated and Screwed to making mediocre Hollywood comedies? It’s not even like he makes big dumb Hollywood movies to pay the bills and small subversive projects to feed his soul. He’s all about the mindless popcorn chuckles. What did Ivan Reitman do to Todd during the meeting? I think the answer is obvious: Ivan Reitman killed, dismembered and ate Todd Phillips.

It’s a well known rumor that Ivan Reitman into eating people. How do you think he was able to capture such realistic scenes in Cannibal Girls? What do you think happened to John Candy? Afterwards Ivan realized he’d dined on the wrong guy since people would notice Todd Phillips being dead with teeth marks on his skull. So he hastily found a replacement: Philip Todd, a major Hollywood weasel who dreamed of turning Inch High Private Eye into a Bruce Willis blockbuster. This is kinda what the Beatles did after Paul McCartney was murdered by Orson Welles in a Hamburg brothel. It’s Philip Todd that’s cranking out Due Date and Starsky & Hutch. It’s Phillip Todd that’s a Red Bull and vodka lover’s Shawn Levy. Philip Todd doesn’t mind partying with Paris Hilton cause he doesn’t have any aspirations other than being a major Hollywood phony. He’d date a Teen Mom if it meant the lead at TMZ.

I feel bad now about buying Todd Phillips the beer. I should have smashed that bottle over his skull and saved him from the fate of being replaced by Philip Todd. If only there was a Hot Tub Time Machine, I could have prevented his Paris Hilton fate.

Did you know you can also use rubber cement as an adhesive?

KIDS GO CABLE

Doug Block’s The Kids Grow Up demonstrates how fast kids grow up. On the verge of his daughter leaving for college, Block pieces through video of her life to ponder their relationship over the years. The documentary has been showing on HBO lately. Here’s a little chat I had with Block at 2010’s Full Frame Documentary Film Festival in Durham, N.C.

SCREW THE ACADEMY

The Academy of Motion Pictures and Sciences has extended membership to Russell Brand. They want him to be an Oscar voter. Why? What exactly has this Mighty Boosh wannabe done in cinema to be worthy of such an honor? Was it his playing himself in Get Him to the Greek? Or maybe it was dragging Helen Mirren through that painful remake of Arthur? Or how about his voice work on Hop?

Let’s put this into perspective: The Academy refused to let Rodney Dangerfield join. They didn’t think Rodney’s career was up to their standards. Rodney made golf cool in Caddyshack. Is there a better film about an old guy going back to college than Back to School? What about Rodney’s turn as the molesting father in Natural Born Killers? He knew how to play creepy. He wasn’t a one note performer. And yet the Academy told him to go away.

Now they extend a membership to Russell Brand? The only career accomplishment he’s done is get Katy Perry to marry him. But because he’s British, Russell must greater than Rodney as a movie actor.

As long as Russell Brand votes for the Oscars, I’m not watching. If even they invited me to host, I’d wear a blindfold so I could maintain my promise not to actually watch the ceremony.

BLU-RAY HEAVEN

Better Off Dead in Blu-ray means Curtis Armstrong in 1080p. Sure most people will claim this is a John Cusack film, but Curtis makes the film. Cusack gets dumped by his high school girlfriend and everyone wants a shot at her. He can’t deal with the despair. He’s Mr. Glum even with his best friend being Curtis. The only thing that slaps him almost out of it is a cute French foreign exchange student. She’s stuck with a family that feeds her french fries and french dressing. There’s plenty of weird jokes including how Cusack’s younger brother uses the mail to upgrade his life. Writer-director Savage Steve Holland was denied Oscar glory in 1985 when Better Off Dead was released. Does anyone care about Out of Africa anymore? Or Color Purple? But you’ll be howling at the weirdness when you bust out the Blu-ray of Better Off Dead. Unlike the John Hughes films, this movie improves with age. Why? Cause Curtis Armstrong rules the screen. His instructions on how to ski the K-12 are legendary. “Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn,” he says. The transfer looks so good that you’ll want to have $2 to pay off the paperboy. Did you know that Slash from Guns N Rose stole his hat look from Curtis?

CORMAN CORNER

Roger Corman’s Cult Classics: Streetwalkin’ reminds us that Melissa Leo didn’t start out a middle aged actress. Like so many major stars, this year’s Best Supporting Actress Oscar winner for The Fighter got her start in the Roger Corman universe. She was a fresh face that found a lead role walking the streets of Manhattan. She and her brother get tossed out of their father’s house. They take the bus into the Big Apple only to find that mom doesn’t want them either. Luckily she meets a guy at the bus station and he’s got a job for her that doesn’t require too much experience. She takes well to being a hooker and putting money in her man’s pocket. She works the area around Time Square before it became a TGIFridays. One of her corner pals is Julie Newmar (Batman‘s Catwoman). She’s an older woman looking to save up enough to retire. Newmar looks good working in her lingerie. Another one of Leo’s co-stars is Khandi Alexander. They team up to torture a submissive businessman. The duo would reunite 25 years later on HBO’s Treme. Trouble happens when Leo’s pimp tangles with Antonio Fargas (Starsky and Hutch‘s Huggy Bear). Things get good and violent on the street when the pimps battle. The cool thing is that while this is a low budget Corman film, they really did shoot around Time Square. This isn’t a couple establishing shots and the rest of production made at the lumberyard in Venice, CA. Melissa Leo struts around the real streets of Manhattan in her pumps. Streetwalkin’ is a classic of the ’80s hooker flicks.

O TIBBY

Mystery Science Theater 3000: MST3K Vs. Gamera – XXI is the boxset that only the extremely optimistic fan thought would ever be legally released. Why wouldn’t these five episodes of massive turtle action remain off the schedule? Because both distributor Sandy Frank and Daiei Motion Picture Company were upset at MST3K poking fun at their beloved rubbersuit superstar. Frank was extremely pissed off at all the jokes about him. But with the optimism of a kid called Kenny with a baseball hat, MST3K Vs. Gamera has arrived. Gamera starts the series as a bit of a Godzilla tale of how nature hates being trashed by man. Gamera Vs. Barugon is the non-kid storyline about greed, mega Opals and monsters. Barugon shoots a rainbow of death out of his back. Gamera Vs. Gao is the first one I ever saw. A Rodan-like flying reptile attacks a town in the Japanese countryside. He fires lasers from his mouth. This is when the movies focused on the kid angle. Gamera Vs. Guiron makes the kids meet weird lady aliens that have a sword headed monster terrorizing their planet. Gamera Vs. Zigra makes the turtle battle a monster that can transform from a spaceship to a swordfish. It’s as warped as it can get. This allows Joel and the Bots to go wild mocking the weirdness. For those upset that this is another non-Mike set, let it be known that Mike Nelson gives his legendary performance of the Gamera theme song. Here’s a clip of it.

Now you can buy all eight Showa era Gameras and the five MST3K episodes from Shout! Factory. If only Godzilla could have such completeness to its classic films. The boxset comes in a fancy tin box. If you order from Shout! Factory’s wesbite, they’ll throw in a pack of Gamera postcards and an MST3K stress ball. Shame they don’t throw in a few tissues so you can wipe up the tears at the beauty of Tom Servo singing to TIbby the turtle. There’s lots of bonus features including a history of Gamera, the Chiodo Brothers and the MST Hour wraparounds featuring Mike Nelson as Jack Perkins. MST3K Vs. Gamera deserves a place of honor in your house.

DVD SHELF

Conan the Adventurer: Season One animates the daddy of fantasy fiction. They toned down Conan for Saturday morning. No longer is he a great thief that slaughters folks and loves the ladies. He’s not even an orphan. He’s a nice kid trying to free his family after they’re turned to stone by Serpent people. Even his pals aren’t so cold blooded in their attack methods. One is an actual prince and the other is a circus performer. They’re all well mannered. Since it’s a cartoon, they have a talking animal character. This time we get a magical bird that lives on Conan’s shield. This kinda makes this less tough than the books and Arnold’s live action movies. All 13 episodes from season one are featured on 2 DVDs. Watch this with your favorite polyhedral dice.

Melrose Place The Sixth Season, Volume Two brings to an end the penultimate season. Amanda (Heather Locklear) gets involved in a nasty plane crash. The tenants put together a search team to come after her. There’s a lost love return from the Iraq war to haunt a resident. Michael gets screwed on his practice thanks to a drunk woman. It doesn’t help when he goes nuts at a stripclub. Amanda and Kyle keep up their plans to get married. There’s a lot of people wanting to bust up their nuptials. They must have spread the rumor of a cash bar at the reception. The mystery daddy nearly gets exposed by one pregnant resident. How can there only be one last season to go? There’s so many questions. The 12 episodes are spread over 3 DVDs. With the upcoming demise of SoapNet, you’ll be wanting to create your own Melrose Place marathons for the weekend.

Dennis the Menace: Season Two continues the comic page fun from 1960. Jay North brought the character to life in his striped shirt, overalls and iconic haircut. This was the salad days for the series with the show understanding itself and the kids still looking like kids. Puberty hadn’t destroyed the childish fun. “Out of Retirement” gives Mr. Wilson (Joseph Kearns) a chance to go back to his old company. What makes the choice hard is gig will be in Pittsburgh. He seems eager to flee Dennis (Jay North). Can the boy do the right thing and make the old guy stay? “Dennis and the Ham-pher” reminds parents to make sure your kids buy the right pet. He thinks he’s raising a hamster, but it’s a gopher. Big difference. “Paint-Up, Clean-Up Week” is another classic tale of Dennis doing too much to improve the neighborhood. “The Christmas Horse” proves a pony isn’t a great holiday gift. Kearns keeps up the crotchety nature to Dennis’ well meaning mayhem. There’s 38 episodes in this collection. Season 3 will be released on Oct. 25. They only made four seasons before the kids grew up.