Author: UncaScroogeMcD

COURT OF THE CRIMSON KING – How sweet it is that Youtube no longer inflicts a ten minute limit to posted video clips. Video uploaders used to slice away frames to get it under the clock. No longer do big pieces have to be butchered into multiple segments forcing viewers to find the next segment. If only this had happened before I had to slice my visit to Dennis Hof’s Bunny Ranch into ten parts. The bliss of the longer time was recently enjoyed when Luxuriamusic.com’s Chuck Kelly introduced me to a King Crimson concert special made for French TV in 1974.

The band is in its Starless and Bible Black glory with Robert Fripp (guitar), John Wetton (bass and vocals), David Cross (Violin and Melotron) and Bill Bruford (drums). What struck me while watching the show was Bruford’s white overalls with the Boston Bruins logo. Seeing how the Bruins have returned to the Stanley Cup winning glory of the Bobby Orr years, this is a good time to discover where he got the overalls. It was the ’70s and stores were packed with odd items such as umbrella hats, tube tops and leisure suits. Were these overalls bought at the Boston Bruins gift shop inside the Boston Garden? Did he originally get them when he was touring arenas with Yes? Were they a fan’s present?

After a fruitless internet search, I headed over to Bill Bruford’s website which conveniently is www.billbruford.com. Amazingly enough, a photo on the site of Bill and the cover of his autobiography has him wearing the mysterious Boston Bruins overalls. There was not quick answer on the site to their origin. It was time to ask Bill Bruford directly by clicking “Contact.”

The contact section didn’t look too inviting. “Bill has retired from public performance and regrets that he is no longer available for chitchat and advice. He is unlikely to be blogging,” the site warns. “Bill has been interviewed exhaustively on all aspects of his career, particularly those relating to Progressive Rock. His involvement in and thoughts on this are well represented first-hand in the following recommended sources. He would be grateful if these could be referred to before applying for further interviews on the subject.”

This seemed like a dead end. He’s retired and probably has better things to do than recall his wardrobe from nearly 40 years ago. But by this point I had become fully obsessed with his Bruins overalls. What’s the price of sending an email to England? It was worth a risk.

So I wrote a quick note: I poked around your book, but couldn’t find the answer to this nagging question – how did you end up with the white pair of overalls with the Boston Bruins logo? Were they made for you by a fan or bought off the rack? It’s the pair you’re wearing on the cover of the book.

A few days later, an email arrived from the webmaster of Bill Bruford’s website:

Thanks for your query which Bill has read and asked me to respond to. His girlfriend sewed the Bruins logo onto a store-bought pair of overalls, and the logo sort of became adopted by Bill.

FYI there’s a new T-Shirt in the store that features the logo that you might like.

What a relief. The mystery of the Bruins overalls has been solved. This explains why you can’t find Bruins white overalls on eBay. Perhaps someday Boston’s Sports Museum will display Bill’s Bruin overalls next to the good luck windbreaker from last year’s Stanley Cup winning run?

In case your curious, the t-shirt is from Bill’s 1980 tour and uses his variation of the spoked B. Here’s the full link:
http://www.nexternal.com/shared/StoreFront/default.asp?CS=bruford&StoreType=BtoC&Count1=842144191&Count2=759284615

KING AND QUEEN OF TV 2011

Normally the honor of being the King of TV is bestowed upon one person that made the cable crackle. But this year we’re pleased to announce a tie. Barry Weiss of Storage Wars and Danielle Colby Cushman of American Pickers are the King and Queen of TV for 2011.

Barry Weiss is what makes Storage Wars fun to watch. His arrival is always a treat as he drives up in another fantastic car from a collection that must rival Jay Leno. His sense of fashion is not matched by the others in the group who have clung to their identities. He’s more bold than Dave Hester’s black work uniform, Darryl’s cheesy tanktops and Jarrod’s brand of t-shirts. Only Brandi comes close to Barry’s choices. Barry can go from a skeleton motorcycle jacket to a St. Patrick’s Day outfit. Drew Carey ought to dress like Barry. While the other four people whine about how they need to keep their stores and flea market tables stocked, Barry arrives at the abandoned storage unit auctions for a sense of adventure. He keeps the cool stuff. Barry reminds us that it’s good for the elderly to have a hobby outside of cutting their pills in half. He made his money in produce sales in SoCal. Now he’s sharing the lettuce with the rest of America. Barry’s the kind of guy that if you spot him while you’re out, you’re first response is “I’m at the right place.” When I grow up, I want to be Barry Weiss.

Danielle Colby Cushman is the person stuck behind in Iowa when Frank and Mike go around America digging through barns for rusty treasures. She works the phones and moves merchandise at the shop. Danielle is TV’s anti-Pixie girl with her numerous tattoos and rockabilly attitude. Her love of roller derby and burlesque makes her all curves and elbows. If there was a battle to the death at Antique Archeology, my money is on Danielle to make quick work of Frank and Mike. For those pondering what she has on her lower back, you can hunt online and see it’s a tribute to a violin.

In a world where reality TV has the stars share too much personal information, Barry and Danielle maintain a little bit of mystery on the screen. They’re not the Kardashians or Gene Simmons with the camera having to expose every element of their life.

What’s amazing is how Barry and Danielle have all the makings of a celebrity power couple. Danielle’s the perfect riding companion in Barry’s unique car collection. Barry’s the right guy to occupy a table at her modern burlesque show. If they’re smart, they’ll at least hang out long enough to create speculation in all the tabloids. The media will wonder what these two really have in common? The answer is simple: they’re the Party Favors King and Queen of TV for 2011.

THAT GUY

What’s the point of Channing Tatum?

Why is Channing Tatum? Has there ever been a leading man that’s been so forgettable? He’s got the facial expression range of a pencil eraser. He’s so lame that I think he’s a Nick Swardson impersonation. Watching one of his movies makes me understand how Alzheimer’s Disease works. Halfway through I’ll forget he’s in the movie. And when he reappears, I only know it’s him because I recognize that I’ll be forgetting he’s in the film in a few minutes. It would probably help if he wore a nametag that read “Hello, I’m Channing Tatum. Pardon the dust.” His acting name ought to be Velveeta Watercress.

CORMAN CORNER

Roger Corman’s Cult Classics Triple Feature Lethal Ladies 2 brings plenty of female action to the screen. Put plenty of butter on the popcorn for this marathon. The first feature is The Arena which reunites Pam Grier and Margaret Markov after their hit Black Mama, White Mama. Instead of a steamy Filipino prison, the duo are now chained up in ancient Rome. Even though both are repressed, they still despise each other. They are owned by the guy who runs the local gladiator arena. Here’s a great scene of the ladies messing up the kitchen:

Pam and Margaret’s battle inspires the owner to book female fighting at his arena to get the crowd pumped up. Things are kinda fun at first until the crowd craves a human sacrifice at the end of the match.

Pam and Margaret have to team up to escape before they’re forced to kill each other. The Arena is all swords, sandals and seduction. Even though this take place before indoor plumbing, there’s still a showering scene. The bonus features include a commentary from director Steve Carver. A short documentary interviews Carver, Margaret and Roger Corman. Turns out somebody got married after the shoot.

Fly Me returns us to Asia courtesy of Corman’s Filipino counterpart Cirio H. Santiago (Firecracker). Three stewardesses get on their trans-Pacific flight to Hong Kong looking for kicks. Pat Anderson wants to have a frisky time with a frequent flyer except her mother has a ticket to ride. Naomi Stevens (The Apartment) wants to keep her daughter a virgin by being an annoying form of birth control. One gal gets kidnapped in Hong Kong by mobsters. The third stewardess hunts for her missing boyfriend. While the synopsis talks about stewardesses using kung fu to fight off hijackers on their plane, this never happens. Santiago’s plane set is barely large enough for a Piper cub. A kick at the back bathroom would land on the co-pilot’s head. There are plenty of kung fu battles on the ground especially when a stewardess has to fight off the human traffickers. The three stories intersect at an outlaw brothel at a seedy airport. The first reel of the print is rather rough, but this was the only copy Shout! Factory could find of the film. The film appeared to have never been released on VHS so this was the only way to see it. The remaining three reels are cleaner. Consider this the true grindhouse effect. Dick Miller has a cameo as a taxi driver who gets an eyeful of his stewardess passenger. Vic Diaz is a hungry cop who bonds with the annoying mom.

Cover Girl Models is another Santiago film. This time American models come to the Asian location and get tangled in a spy ring. There’s lot of chases through the Filipino locations. Pat Anderson and Vic Diaz of Fly Me return to the trouble. You can never have enough Vic Diaz in your video collection. Mary Woronov’s office at the modeling agency has the poster art for The Arena on the wall. This moment ties together the triple feature.

DVD SHELF

Hawaii Five-O: The Twelfth and Final Season wraps up the Jack Lord era. With James MacArthur (Danno) quitting the show during the hiatus, Steve McGarrett’s elite police force only consisted of Duke (Herman Wedemeyer). He needed to restock the force. “A Lion in the Street” focuses on mobsters making a grab for a Hawaiian hotel workers’ union. The first new hire is Truck (Moe Keale). He’s a schlub version of Kono who often gets turned into a punching bag by the bad guys. Jim Carew (Rich Man, Poor Man‘s William Smith) is an ex-cop out to nail mobster Ross Martin (The Wild Wild West). McGarrett likes Carew’s toughness and makes him part of the team after renaming him Kimo. Guess he needed a Danno-style name to call out. “Who Says Cops Don’t Cry?” almost makes Kevin Wilson (Frankie Stevens) part of Five-O. He gets killed before McGarrett can give him the news. McGarrett gives the slot to Wilson’s wife (Sharon Farrell). “Through the Heaven’s Fall” lets a sports club hunt down crooks that beat the system. Robert Reed (The Brady Bunch) is part of the justice group. All you need to know about “School for Assassins” is Lloyd Bochner guest stars. Is that a young Jeff Daniels in “The Flight of the Jewels?” Why it is. The big finale is “Woe to Wo Fat.” This is the final face off between McGarrett and his arch enemy. Wo Fat (Khigh Dhiegh) is kidnapping scientists for his latest plot. McGarrett puts on a disguise so he can get into Wo’s lair. None of the rest of the Five-O force appears so it’s just these two giants facing off in the jungle. People often debate about how weird Hawaii Five-O had become by the end of it’s run. But if you’ve been collecting the series, the final season isn’t that outlandish. The only real disappointment is the final lines spoken by Jack Lord weren’t “Book ’em, Danno!” Aloha, McGarrett!

Mannix: The Sixth Season brings more tales from the greatest Scotch and Steak private eye of the 20th Century. Joe Mannix (Mike Connors) takes on all cases and sometimes finds himself the target this season. His only real back up is Peggy Fair (Gail Fisher). “The Open Web” has nothing to do with the SOPA. It’s got everything to do with Rip Torn (The Larry Sanders Show) being tracked down by Mannix. “Cry Silence” gives the double power of Geoffrey Lewis (the man who isn’t Robert Pine) and Anthony Zerbe (Licence to Kill). “The Crimson Halo” marks the return of Joseph Campenella except he’s not Lew Wickersham from season one. Robert Reed takes a break from being Mr. Brady to play Lt. Adam Tobias on a couple episodes including “Portrait of a Hero” and “Inside Man.” “To Kill a Memory” won’t let you forget Martin Sheen and John Vernon (National Lampoon’s Animal House). “One Step to Midnight” lets Harold Gould (The Dean of Thespians) express an evil side. Adam West (Batman) gets to cross paths with Mannix on “A Puzzle for One.” “A Matter of Principle” gives us Fish (Abe Vigoda) and The Bride of Frankenstein (Elsa Lanchester). “The Faces of Murder” gives the sweetness of Tina Louise (Ginger on Gilligan’s Island). “Search for a Whisper” silences with William Shatner (Star Trek) and Yvonne Craig (Batgirl on Batman). How did they not cast Burt Ward? The season wraps up with “The Danford File.” That file includes Jessica Walter (Arrested Development & Archer). Another fine season of Mannix fighting off trouble while keeping a fist ready for his drink. Only two more to go before all Mannix is above the bar.

Dennis the Menace: The Final Season brings to an end the live action adventures of the world’s smallest tornado. What finally brought an end to his reign of neighborhood terror? Did Mr. Wilson finally go nuts and take care of business? Nope. It was worse. Actor Jay North hit puberty. The show was based on a cartoon about an out of control kid. Audiences weren’t ready to see a teenage version of the kid. The producers cranked out 38 more episodes for the fourth season before Dennis had to shave. Gale Gordon had become Mr. Wilson without any talk about his missing brother anymore. He’s a writer that turns into Dennis’ biographer. “The Chinese Girl” brings Chinese guests to Mr. Wilson’s house. Dennis takes a shine to the daughter while Margaret (Jeannie Russell) wants to give her a shiner. “The New Principal” brings Charles Lane to the academic search. “Wilson’s Second Childhood” lets him act like the rest of the kids for an article. One of his new playmates is Kurt Russell (Big Trouble in Little China). “My Uncle Ned” is none other than Edward Everett Horton (Rocky Show). “Junior Astronaut” lets Dennis meet John “Shorty” Powers, a real astronaut. Mr. Wilson can’t get the kid launched into orbit like a chimp. “Baby Booties” turns the simple act of knitting into the talk of the town. Mrs. Wilson makes booties to put over Mr. Wilson’s golf clubs. Dennis spreads the word that she’s really knocked up. Mr. Wilson does need kids in “My Four Boys.” He can’t win a prize from Harvey Korman if he can’t claim Dennis and three other punks as his sons. A series can’t end until Harold Gould does a guest shot. In this case, he arrives for “The Three F’s.” Shout! Factory is offering a complete set of all four seasons for those of you who won’t buy a TV show until it’s all released on DVD.

Action Double Feature: The Last Hard Men / Sky Riders is a double dose of James Coburn on horseback and in the air. Coburn’s one of the great tough guys of cinema. He’s given the proper twin bill that might have played a nearby drive-in back in 1976. The Last Hard Men is a rough and tumble western. Coburn’s breaks out of prison with revenge on his mind. He wants to destroy Charlton Heston for sending him away. Coburn makes him suffer first by kidnapping Charlton’s daughter (Barbara Hershey). Eventually it comes down to Coburn versus Charlton to the extreme in the wilderness. Larry Wilcox (CHiPs) and Michael Parks (Kill Bill) have supporting roles. Director Andrew McLaglen had previous made Monkeys, Go Home! and MST3K classic Mitchell with Joe Don Baker.

Sky Riders takes us back to the days when hang gliding was all the Hollywood rage. Robert Culp’s wife (Superman II‘s Susannah York) and children get kidnapped. The star of I Spy fails to rescue them with police help. It’s up to James Coburn to handle the situation since he’s York’s ex-husband. He figures out the best way to attack the terrorists’ mountain top hideout is with a crack hang gliding team. John Beck (Rollerball) is part of the soaring fun.

I can’t get enough of the hang gliding fun. Here’s another clip:

Coburn’s rules the screen in this double feature. Sky Riders is so freakish with the hang gliding that it’s a perfect film to invite pals over for popcorn and Pabst.

Monsignor is an inadvertent comedy. Christopher Reeve plays a priest who moves up the Holy ladder at Vatican City starting in World War II. He’s a fighting priest who took on the Nazis before getting the what should be cushy job of treasurer of the Roman Catholic Church. However the war has messed up the money. Reeve must make dirty deals with Italian mafia members to keep things afloat. He also has plenty of lust in his heart and hooks up with a nun (Genevieve Bujold of Dead Ringers). Everything is over the top without the actors sensing they’re camp religious icons. Instead of playing a priest again, Jason Miller (The Exorcist & Nickel Ride) gets to mob it up. Adolfo Celi (the villain from Thunderball) gets to wear a Cardinal’s red. Joe Pantoliano (The Matrix) is an old army buddy. The film is so brilliantly dramatic that it has more laughs than an Adam Sandler comedy. Nobody seems to know this isn’t a great film. Director Frank Perry was hot off Mommie Dearest so he still had the mojo flowing through is fingertips. Hard to figure out how the guy who helmed Diary of a Mad Housewife could end up calling the shots on Monsignor. I hope he had some serious demons. Survivors of Catholic high schools will enjoy thinking Christopher Reeve could wear the collar.

Kojak: The Complete Movie Collection features the original pilot movie (which isn’t on the Season One boxset) and seven revival specials. “The Marcus-Nelson Murders” (1973) introduced America to the Lt. Theo Kojak (Telly Savalas), a Greek police detective on the trail of a killer. While they already have a confessed suspect, Kojak doesn’t buy it. While the pilot doesn’t contain his supporting actors from the series, it is packed with stars including Marjoe Gortner (Food of the Gods), Jose Ferrer, Ned Beatty, Allen Garfield and Chita Rivera. After it’s five season run in the ’70s, Kojak returned as two TV movies in the mid-80s. “The Belarus File” (1985) spices things up as Kojak is teamed with Suzanne Pleshette (The Bob Newhart Show) to track down Nazis. The reunion movie is a little bit bittersweet since it would be George Savalas’ final outing as Stavros. He’d die soon after. “The Prince of Justice” (1987) makes him suspect Kate Nelligan has killed her two sons. Kojak would get promoted to Inspector when ABC revived the series as part of the Mystery Movie Series along with Columbo in 1989. Kojak would get a new crew including Andre Braugher as Detective Winston Blake. “It’s Always Something” has the return of Crocker (Kevin Dobson) although now he’s an Assistant D.A. “None So Blind” has Kojak tangle with Rip Torn (The Larry Sanders Show) and Jerry Orbach (Dirty Dancing). “Fatal Flaw” scores with the fatally seductive Angie Dickinson. While it seems odd that The Complete Movie Collection comes out before Season Three arrives in March, the inclusion of the original pilot helps make sense of the police detective who pondered, “Who love ya, baby.”

DURHAM – Every time they announce the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame nominees, “Weird Al” Yankovic gets ignored. Why do they refuse to be serious about the crown prince of polka pop spoofs? It is a crime of omission since Weird Al has been a force of nature since Dr. Demento first played “My Bologna” in 1979. He’s outlasted a majority of the acts he’s parodied. Anyone waiting for Coolio’s next album to drop? He’s outlived Michael Jackson. How can he get disrespected as a comedy act since they’re inducting the Beastie Boys? Hypocrites!

I caught Weird Al’s latest tour at the Durham Performing Arts Center. Here’s a guy who has been going for over 30 years and he’s not a nostalgia act. How can I tell? When he announced a new song, the audience wasn’t checking their iPhones, running to get another beer or take a bathroom break. The crowd was pumped to hear “Perform This Way” letting Lady Gaga join the Al treatment that solidified Madonna’s fame with “Like a Surgeon.”

While normally I’m not a big fan of videos run to cover up costume changes, this time it worked. The videos mixed outtakes from AL TV, Al’s cameos on various TV shows over the years and the time Johnny Carson used him as a punchline. Younger fans might not recognize some of the singers he mocked like Avril Lavigne and Jessica Simpson. Al’s costume selection paid off. He broke out the Segway Scooter for “White and Nerdy.” He was full Jedi for his Star Wars encore. If you ever want to piss off a bunch of nerds wearing Stormtrooper and Darth Vader costumes, point at them and shout, “Look honey! They’re old school Cylons.” I could see frowns through their plastic masks.

If you missed the tour, don’t fret. Turns out it’s already out on Blu-ray. You can use holiday store giftcards to pick up “Weird Al” Yankovic Live! – The Alpocalypse Tour.

After the show, I had a chance to talk with bassist Steve Jay next to the tour bus. It was a Byron Allen moment. Al’s band has been together since 1985 so Jay isn’t some LA hired gun. Our chat dealt with how amazing it is for the band to be able to adapt so many musical styles. They have to keep up with the latest songs and figure out how to transform them into a polka beat for the medley. The big takeaway from the talk was the fact that nobody has come close to doing what Al’s done for so long. Why? Jay said the secret is that Al cares about the music. This is more than you can say about your morning zoo radio team that just wants to fake lyrics for whatever hit they can spoof. Jay performs the Doors’ bass keyboard action on “Craigslist” instead of faking it on a string bass.

I might have had a chance to talk to Weird Al except my brother needed to get back home since he had to work early on Monday morning. Funny story about that. He showed up and was immediately called into his boss’s office. Because of the economic crisis in Europe screwing with the company’s credit lines, they had to do across the board slashes. He was the last hired in his department and thus he got an excuse to file for unemployment. If that idiot boss had slashed him at the end of Friday, meeting Weird Al would have been a great pick me up. But instead my brother gets to live with the stigma of depriving me of meeting Weird Al so he could show up and get pink slipped. There should be a Weird Al song for such a frustrating mess like “Skipper Dan.”

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame doesn’t deserve Weird Al. He’s more of an institution than that building in Cleveland. You know you’ve made it as a performer when Weird Al calls you up to ask permission to parody your song. And you don’t have to kiss Jann Werner’s ass for that honor. Al pays you a royalty.

SHANNON CALLS ME OUT?

I’ll admit that I’ve yet to see my old NCSA classmate’s film. It was a bit of a hassle to free up three hours to rush down to the Rialto to see Jeff Nichol’s Taking Shelter. But that’s no excuse for star Michael Shannon to trash talk me and others since the award winning movie has yet to crack $2 million at the box office after three months.

“I mean, it takes a bit of guts to go see our film. It’s not an easy ride, y’know? I think there are other films that are also very good that are maybe a little easier to swallow, y’know?” Shannon declared.

I don’t have cinematic guts? I sat through The Notebook. You know what it really takes for many Americans like myself to see a movie? A babysitter. It’s just easier for me to put this on my Netflix queue and let it show up in my mailbox. The logistics of movie night is more complicated than the plot to The Sitter. So here’s the deal, if Michael Shannon comes over to my house and babysits the kid; the wife and I will scoot over to the Megaplex to watch Take Shelter.

Does Michael Shannon have the guts to see my toddler race around the house and scream for two hours? Will he kneel before the real Zod? The ball is in your court, Shannon.

There ought to be a TV series on E! – Stars Babysit While Parents Watch Their Movie. They can call it “Sitter For My Movie.”

MORE CATTY THAN BUNNY

Dennis Hof, the owner of the Bunny Ranch dropped me a note to remind every one to watch the latest installment of Cathouse on HBO. “Frisky Business” focuses on how the ladies working at the brothel figure out the prices for their services. The half hour special brings back an old favorite who gets full claws from one of the new gals. It’s drama-ful. During my stay at the Bunny Ranch, the main room was as peaceful as a Buddhist monastery except with a more enticing dress code. Dennis and I were the only bald guys. The “Frisky Business” special will be part of HBO OnDemand until after New Year’s Day. How about starting a Christmas tradition that you open the presents, down a massive cup of egg nog, and spend a little time with the bunnies?

CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE

Since it’s a little too late in the game to tell you great gifts to get others for Christmas, let’s just focus on cool things you should buy yourself with various gift cards.

Rolling Stones’ The Brussels Affair is the first legit release of the legendary concerts from ’73. A few of these tracks were released back in the mid-70s for airing on the King Biscuit Flower Hour. Bob Clearmountain sat down with the tapes of the two shows to tweak them with a better than if you were there mix. Now you can hear even more of the voodoo from Mick Taylor’s lead guitar solos. Billy Preston’s keyboards come alive. Billy does quite a bit of call and response with Mick Jagger on “Heartbreaker.” This was the reason the Stones could pull off the title of the Greatest Rock Band. It’s high octane from “Brown Sugar” to “Street Fighting Man.” This is the type of record you just want to put on the stereo before starting a bar fight with Phyllis Smith. You can get this as MP3s and FLAC files through the Rolling Stones online archive and Google Music. Why isn’t this being released on vinyl?

The Complete Peanuts Boxed Set 1979-1982 (Vol. 15-16) brings Charlie Brown and Snoopy into the age of disco. This was when America partied while Reagan took over the White House in a downpour of jellybeans. In one of the most disturbing images in comic strip history, Peppermint Patty struts around in cornrows like Bo Derek. Charlie Brown thinks he’s died. Snoopy gets to be more about Snoopy. This continues to be my favorite annual Christmas gift to find under the tree.

The Bionic Woman now has all three seasons out on DVD. The crossover episodes on The Six Million Dollar Man are included in the first two seasons. You’ll be able to see her and Steve Austin take on Bigfoot! She goes up against the Fembots. Lindsay Wagner brought a lot more depth to the role than Lee Marvin when he was given the cyborg treatment. She’s never comfortable being half woman and half machine. She’s so fragile even with all that super strength. If your poke around, you can get Season One and Two for less than $15 each. Oscar Goldman (Richard Anderson) still rules.

Laurel & Hardy Essential Collection finally puts together the prime early films of the comic duo. Now you can see the proper transfers of Sons of the Desert and The Music Box along with dozens of others. They finally get their DVD respect like The Three Stooges and the Marx Brothers.

Dexter: The Complete Fifth Season is a deconstructed version of when Batman met Robin. Dexter helps Julie Stiles track down the men who raped her and nearly killed her. Turns out the leader of this group is Jonny Lee Miller, a demented Tony Robbins-like character. Dexter has to train her to take revenge on them. This is a gritty version of how Bruce Wayne turned Dick Grayson into his ward and partner in crime fighting. It might not have been as great as the Trinity Killer episodes, but it’s still compelling TV.

Californication: The Fourth Season proves David Duchovny doesn’t need red shoes to bring spice to Showtime. He’s working on adapting his box to a script and gets to bang the young starlet, Addison Timlin. When I devolve, I want to be Hank Moody.

The L Word Complete Series DVD Collection takes us back to a time when Mia Kirshner ruled my world. Why did they let her character become such a self-absorbed pain? The series also let us enjoy the wonders of Pam Grier.

The Magic Trip is perfect for those who want to get the real visuals of Tom Wolfe’s Electric Acid Kool-Aid Test. Finally get to see footage of Ken Kesey and the Merry Pranksters hitting the road to see America with Neal Cassady (On the Road) at the wheel.

Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop gets inside the talkshow host’s inner-circle to see how he hit the road to perform after getting shanked by Jay Leno. The story has a happy ending when he lands at TBS and takes out George Lopez.

Blue Velvet Blu-ray is a must get for the citizens of Lumberton. They included nearly an hour of excised scenes. Now you get all the story about what happened when Jeffery quit school to help take care of his dad’s store. There’s a severe foreshadowing scene when he watches something similar in a frat house basement. This is the ultimate way to watch David Lynch’s masterpiece.

Roger Corman’s Cult Classics is the most addictive DVD series since MGM’s Midnite Movies. The folks at Shout! Factory can turn any home entertainment system into a magnificent grindhouse theater. They’ve put out over 25 titles so far ranging from Death Race 2000 to Traci Lords in Not of This Earth. What’s the best one to get? Rock ‘n’ Roll High School since you can watch the Ramones in 1080p. Fun fun! Shout! Factory also put out Barney Miller: The Complete Series and The Ernie Kovacs Collection. Both of those are worthy of boxset space on your DVD shelf.

DVD SHELF

Blackthorn mixes two American Icons when Sam Shepard plays Butch Cassidy. Turns out the outlaw survived the Bolivian military attack and has been low profiling it for decades in a small country village. He’s decided to head back to America since he’s too old to care about hiding out. But on the journey, he gets back in the game of nabbing the loot since he does need a little traveling money. Shepard is perfect in the role as the aged desperado. The great playwright and actor shines as much here as he did in The Right Stuff. Blackthorn is a Western worthy of giving dad this holiday season.

Point Blank is an extreme rarity: a French thriller not starring Liam Neeson or produced by Luc Besson. It’s a French movie in French and not French people speaking English with a French accent. Director Fred Cavaye kicks ass in an extreme rush of a movie. Gilles Lellouche is a nurse in a hospital that saves a patient. Turns out the killers aren’t giving up. They want Gilles to deliver the guy to them. They’re holding Gilles’ pregnant wife hostage. She’s supposed to be on bed rest so he must act fast. The cops are absolutely no help to this crisis. The movie doesn’t slow down as this guy is drawn into an impossible situation that physically and emotionally puts him on the edge. This is so much better than anything Michael Bay has over juiced.

A Turtle’s Tale: Sammy’s Adventure is a great way to introduce small children to the joy of Tim Curry without scarring them for life. This is a cute CGI animated film about Sammy, a young sea turtle’s world wide adventure to seek out love and friendship. Minutes after he’s hatched, he fights to escape the beak of a seagull. He ends up escaping with Shelly, another baby turtle. But the two get lost. Sammy swims in the direction of a turtle paradise. But is it real? Or just a watery trap set by sharks? Will he ever see Shelly again? There’s a thrilling swim through the Panama Canal. There’s a fine cast of celebrity voices including Melanie Griffith, Anthony Anderson, Stacy Keach, Jenny McCarthy and the brilliant Tim Curry. This is Kathy Griffin’s greatest acting role since Pulp Fiction. The film was made in 3-D although the DVD is in 2-D so you’ll get a lot of stuff coming at you. This is fine for older kids that can handle close calls between turtles and sharks.

Switched At Birth: Volume One deals with every parent’s nightmare of the hospital screwing up. It’s also every teen’s dream that their parents aren’t really their parents. The ABC Family series explores what happens when Vanessa Marano discovers through a blood test experiment at school shows she’s not related to Lea Thompson (Howard the Duck) and D.W. Moffett. After more investigating, it’s discovered she was switched with another newborn. Her parents were supposed to get Katie Leclerc. She’s a deaf teen living with her mom and grandmother in a rough side of town. She lost her hearing from meningitis so it wasn’t heredity. The show is rather serious in dealing with the crisis between these two families. What do you do when you’ve been so used to calling one child your daughter after all these years? How does one feel knowing the other got major advantages by getting the hospital’s mistake work out in her favor? The boxset has the first 10 episodes. There’s also skins for your iPod.

TIME FLIES

Did you know there’s less than a year until Mayan Doomsday? The good news is this might save the world from seeing Smurfs 2. Stock up on your survival seeds.

If I can only have one wish for 2012, it’s that I can spend a weekend in Las Vegas doing ecstasy with Nina from Sprout’s Good Night Show. I’ll wear a fuzzy star outfit if it helps.