Author: UncaScroogeMcD

RALEIGH – The time warp took me back to 1977 over the course of a fortnight, all the icons were coming to town. In those days, I was able to see an acting icon, a western legend, white boy jazz smartasses and the greatest stand up of his generation. I still feel like I’m back in Junior High except I can buy booze this time around and don’t have to beg for a ride from my mom.

Things flashbacked when I wandered to the downtown Red Hat Amphitheater for a glimpse of Steely Dan. I didn’t buy a ticket since I had a late night meeting down the block from the venue. The plan was to sneak inside to catch a song or two. The show started like an early bird dinner at 8:15 p.m. without an opening act. By the time I got to the gate, five songs were over. They shut down the box office so I couldn’t buy a ticket if I wanted to spend $50 to sit on the mini-lawn. But this wasn’t a pain in the ass moment. The venue is outdoors so all could be heard clearly. The fence is only five feet ten inches tall. This gives a clean view of the Dan without heads blocking. Not being close to the stage didn’t bother me since it eliminated the shock of realizing Donald Fagen and Walter Becker aren’t merely throwbacks to the ’60s. They’re in their ’60s. Although even at that distance, Fagen looked like he was doing Ray Charles at a Vegas Legends show. Their sound is still youthful except when Becker takes the lead. He’s got the voice of a Walmart Greeter at this point. Then again, he never quite had the range of Carl Wilson.

Originally I was just going to watch a song or two. I’d skip home after hearing Fagen declare they’re doing Everything Must Go from start to finish. They avoided their comeback material which made me a member of the knothole gang for the next 90 minutes. It was a fine night to steal a Steely performance. The biggest disappointment was when they dusted off “Razor Boy,” they had the three background singers take the lead. While they have very lovely voices, they lacked the sardonic edge required in the lyrics. Towards the end of the show, a really nice woman was doing her best to poke her nose over the fence. She kept shouting for them to perform “Katy Lied.” I didn’t have the heart to correct her that the album Is Katy Lied. The song is “Doctor Wu.” They never heard her request. What mattered most was that they played “Josie.” Here’s a video of that moment that someone else took. Bonus points if you can guess why I chose this song.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar dropped by Raleigh the following Friday to sign copies of his young adult novel Sasquatch In the Paint (co-written with Raymond Obstfeld). As die-hard Celtic fan, you’d imagine I’d show up to heckle the former Los Angeles Laker. But Kareem is more than the sky hook. He’s had an amazing acting career. He fought Bruce Lee in Game of Death. He co-piloted Airplane. He barely escaped Slam Dunk Ernest. Thus I grabbed my daughter and we got in line at Quail Ridge Bookstore. The following is video of our encounter. I apologize in advance that the framing is really off. My defense is that I aimed the camera where I usually do when filming someone at a table. Turns out on Kareem, this angle is his chest. This is what most NBA guards saw when they drove the paint on him. My initial question about him putting on his socks comes from the HBO special on the UCLA dynasty during Coach John Wooden. Just off camera I show him a copy of the upcoming The Bruce Lee Legacy Collection boxset from Shout! Factory. This brings Bruce’s Golden Harvest movies to Blu-ray.

Steve Martin arrived the next day to perform as part of the Wide Open Bluegrass festival. He was at the Red Hat Amphitheater, but this time tickets were purchased. Before he came on, we marveled at the work of the Infamous String Dusters. They were tight. Now that Mumford and Sons is taking a break, please consider the String Dusters as your new favorite band.
People will often whine that they wish Steve Martin would return to stand up. But if you watched him on Steve Martin: The Television Stuff, you realized that he was always mixing his banjo playing with his comedy. All he’s done is given his stage time a proper balance so there’s more music than talking. He hit the stage with The Steep Canyon Rangers and Edie Brickell. I was able to capture his first minute on stage:

Watching Steve Martin on stage proved he’s more than that schlock movie actor who can’t stop making those crappy Pink Panther and Cheaper By the Dozen movies. He’s still a comic genius as long as he stays away from Shawn Levy. By the end of the show, I gave up my plans to protest his lifetime Oscar on the grounds of The Big Year. Give the man whatever honors his heart craves. Although if he makes Pink Panther 3, I will hire Ninjas to steal his lifetime Oscar and will melt it down to make a Cable Ace Award.

Topping off the evening was dropping by a bar to say howdy to Randy Jones, the legendary Cowboy from the Village People. He was still glowing from his recent marriage. We chatted for a bit about his various projects. He’s amazingly busy in a world that can’t get enough disco. There’s no video of our encounter. Oddly enough, I still haven’t taken a photo with Randy after all these years even though he’s the king of candids.

What did I learn from my encounters with the icons of 1977? It was a good year to be an icon.

VINEGAR SYNDROME TIME

Night Train to Terror leaves the station with one of the great musical numbers of the ’80s. “Dance With Me” goes up there with anything from Footloose. The outfits of the performers deserve to be stashed at the Smithsonian. You almost forget there’s more movie as the kids dance around the clumsily constructed train set. Also on board for the ride is God and Satan. The duo fight over the souls of three characters. To be more precise, they form a framing device around three shorter films. The shorts include organ harvesting, death cults and interning for Satan. You automatically know what kind of movie this is since it stars Cameron Mitchell (The High Chaparral). There’s also a part for John Phillip Law (Barbarella). The movie was written by Oscar winner Phillip Yordan (1954’s Broken Lance) so it’s not the normal scruffy horror flick. His son Byron Yordan sings the song. So it’s a family affair on the screen. This is one of those films that has only grown in cheese factor with the ’80s style filling in the plot issues. The bonus features include the original trailer. There’s a commentary with co-producer Jay Schlossberg-Cohen where he explains how this semi-anthology came together. The film wasn’t a hit, but has gained a cult following over the years thanks to home video. The Hysteria Continues contributes a commentary that brings up the history of the film. The DVD includes the movie Gretta. Editor Wayne Schmidt does an audio interview about his work on Gretta. Did this run on USA’s Up All Night when it ran obscure flicks? All that matters is that if you’re having a Big ’80s Movie Festival at your house, you should run Night Train to Terror after Slumber Party Massacre II.

The Oral Generation is all about the tongue. This is one of the unsung epic titles of the X-rated theater era. Who wouldn’t want to see this on the marquee? Maybe Michael Douglas. Because the film is barely an hour long, the producers at Vinegar Syndrome have put together a two hour presentation that you might have seen at that theater your Aunt Anna wanted to shut down. “Clinical Sex” has the classic educational voiceover except this time the doctor explains why he has to hook up with his patient as part of the treatment. He also has his nurse help out. “Anyway You Like It,” “Naked Sexes” and “The Different Sex” round out the shorts. Before the movie, there’s a clipped scene from Oral that features a red haired woman and her extremely pasty lover. Oral Generation starts with a narrative about how this is a time of sexual liberation thanks to Times Square theater. These people would be amazed by what you can find on the internet. The film’s focus is on modern techniques of love that women can use to please men. Remember to take notes. The transfer of the movie is better than any of the XXX theaters ever projected on their messy screens. This is an adult DVD from a bygone era.

Drive-In Collection – The Virgin and the Lover & Lustful Feelings are as naughty as they sound. This is another double feature of New York City based adult films directed by Kemal Horulu. He’s having a bit of a revival thanks to Vinegar Syndrome also buffing up his films for the double features The Sexualist & Wendy’s Palace and Vixens of Kung Fu & Oriental Blue. He’s back with two more epics from the sticky floor cinemas of the ’70s. The Virgin and the Lover (1973) is the original version of Mannequin. A filmmaker has only love in his heart for his dressing dummy. But he imagines she’s flesh. It’s amazing how much better this film is when you don’t have Andrew McCarthy dragging around the dummy. Jennifer Welles is back and on her back. Lustful Feelings (1978) is the classic story of a woman going the extra mile to help our her lover. In this case Jaime Gillis has a massive drug debt so Leslie Bovee ends up hooking. Well at first she thinks she’s just posing for gentlemen magazines. But this just eases her into high paying profession of prostitution. Gillis has such an amazing edge in his role. It’s like he’s the lead in an X-rated Scorsese movie. Kemal Horulu is finally getting the career retrospective two pictures at a time.

SCREAM FACTORY

All Night Horror Marathon lives up to the promise of a long night of scares with 4 films inside the box. What’s the Matter With Helen? (1971) is from the genre of insane aging actresses. Debbie Reynolds (Princess Leia’s Mom) and Shelly Winters (Lolita) go out to Hollywood in hopes of being the big new stars of the 1930s. But things are bound to get dramatic with those two actresses sharing a bedroom. The Godsend (1981) has a mysterious pregnant woman drop by a family’s house. The woman vanishes leaving her daughter behind with the family. The kid might have issues after she gets older. The Vagrant (1992) reminds people to fully examine a house during the due diligence period. Bill Paxton is a hotshot yuppie who buys his dream house. What he doesn’t know is there’s someone else living under the roof. Things get bad when the mystery roomie leaves stuff in the fridge. The Outing (1987) is the dark side of staying in a museum . What goes wrong? How about school children unleashing an evil genie trapped inside a lamp. This isn’t a lovable Robin Williams type genie. This one wants to do evil things. This set is exciting since it delves into the MGM catalog which means it’s a double dose of their old Midnite Movies line. This is a great way to spend an overnight during Spooky Season.

BLU-RAY HEAVEN

Curse of Chucky brings back everybody’s favorite doll that’s possessed by the soul of a serial killer. You get to choose between the R-rated and Unrated version of the movie. Why would you want less of a Child’s Play sequel. This is the sixth film in the series. A mother and her wheelchair bound daughter (Fiona Dourif) get an unexpected knock on the door. The FauxEx man has a big box for them to sign for. What’s inside? Neither of them ordered a giant Chucky doll. The mother gets freaked out by the doll and tosses it in the trash. That’s not a good idea since in the middle of the night, mom goes nuts and stabs herself to death. Her grieving daughter is now stuck with the doll. The girl’s older sister shows up with her huge family. This is just the proper recipe for more victims for Chucky. A fine twist is that the girl finds information about the homicidal Chucky doll online. It just would be wrong if rumors of a talking, killing doll didn’t have devoted websites. The girls have to figure out how to stop the doll without looking like they’re nuts. It’s brisk fear inducing film that will make you throw away your sister’s American Girl Dolls. The bonus features include deleted scenes and a gag reel. There’s a documentary about making the film and a commentary track with the director, main puppeteer and Fiona Dourif. The movie is a bit of a family affair since the voice of Chucky is her dad Brad Dourif.

The Eagle Has Landed is a mega size World War II adventure from the pages of Jack Higgin’s novel. The Nazis are ready to pull out a major gambit. What could this nefarious plot involve? How about sending an elite unit into England to kidnap Winston Churchill? And they don’t just send any Nazis. The crack unit is led by Robert Duvall (The Godfather), Michael Caine (Batman Returns) and Donald Sutherland (Kiefer’s dad). This is a fail-proof plan since what British soldier would think Michael Caine was really a Nazi? This was always a great film to catch on the late show. Now it looks even better in Blu-ray (there’s a DVD in the boxset, too). This was John Sturges’ final film. He understood men on a mission movies with his resume including The Great Escape, The Magnificent Seven and Ice Station Zebra. Why doesn’t Struges have more directorial respect? The man ought to be treated as a legend. There’s plenty of bonus features including vintage interviews with the stars and visits to the location. Screenwriter Tom Mankiewicz recalls his time on the project .

A Hijacking reminds us that more than one cargo ship has been hijacked by Somali pirates. A Hijackingis about a Danish ship that didn’t have the same Navy Seals arrive like in Captain Phillips. The MV Rozen gets boarded in the Indian Ocean. The movie take the point of view of the cook on the boat. But unlike Steven Segal’s character in Under Seige, he’s really a cook and not an ex-military super soldier. In a major sense, there is more suspense in the movie since we don’t know who it ends. There was no wall to wall coverage and breakdowns of the rescue. We’re following the lowly cook who is normally the expendable crew member in a big Hollywood production except when they’re played by major action heroes. Pilou Asbaek has the look of the good hearted piece of dead meat. Will he be able to make it to the end of the film or will he be shot and dumped into water by his kidnappers? Things get naturally tense without so much in jeopardy.

Exploding Sun is the final installment in Doomsday Series. They go full throttle with the disaster as big as the sun. In fact the sun is what’s going to bring about the end of the world this time. The first privately owned spaceship with passengers is launched off toward the moon. This should be a great event. The president’s wife hitches a ride on this revolutionary travel advance. But there’s no chance to soak in the moment. Instead solar flares have gone out of control. Not to give away the big moment of the nearly 3 hour movie, but something gets sent to the sun that makes life on Earth extra hot. Can we be saved? Well do you think J.A.G. star David James Elliot would let us down? Of course not. Julia Ormand (MadMen) also hopes we don’t get turned into burnt bacon. Hard to think if they could have upped the ante on Doomsday during this ReelzChannel series that tops most of the SyFy original movies.

Barabbas brings back the Biblical epic to TV. Barabbas is noted as the criminal who the crowd wanted freed instead of Jesus. While not much was said about the guy in the Gospels, there’s enough speculation to make a thrilling three hour miniseries. The miniseries is based on the novel by Nobel Prize winner Par Lagerkvist. Billy Zane (Titanic & The Phantom) p lays the thief who gets to live with the burden that he was given amnesty so that the Son of God could be sacrificed on the cross. It’s a rather heavy role, but the normally glib Zane is up to the task. During the scene where the Romans give the crowd the choice, Zane has the insecure look down. He eventually sets himself off on a road to redemption. The production design brings out the story so it looks quite appealing in Blu-ray. This is the perfect thing to watch when your relatives come over during the holidays.

DVD SHELF

The Beverly Hillbillies: The Official Fourth Season brought the Clampetts into the world of color. Finally in the Fall of 1965 CBS decided to make more color shows. While several shows including The Fugitive had issues with hues, The Beverly Hillbillies were able to change the film in the camera without ruining the feel of the show. The big change for the Hillbillies this season was the lack of shooting on location at the Mansion. The story goes that TV Guide published the address and fans flocked to see the place. This upset the real millionaires that lived behind the gates. The fourth season launches with “Admiral Jed Clampett.” Mr. Drysdale wants him to buy a boat, but Jedd might end up owning a battleship. “The Private Eye” has more double naught spy action involving Jethro. “Possum Day” and “Possum Parade” features Sharon Tate as part of the secretarial pool. “Sonny Drysdale Returns” is the final return of the greatest lifelong student. Sonny (Louis Nye) has to get serious about life and marry Elly May. Nye appeared in one of Steve Martin’s Comedy specials featured on Shout! Factory’s Steve Martin: The Television Stuff. “The Beautiful Maid” brings out Julie Newmar as a Swedish accent needing to learn how to be country. She ought to win an Oscar after studying Granny up close. The Official Fourth Season boxset is only available through Walmart. You can order it online in case you fear it won’t be stocked in their DVD section.

Petticoat Junction: The Official Third Season is the best season of the series. Why? Nearly half of the episodes featured guest appearances from the new residents of Hooterville. Normally this show is about Uncle Joe (Edgar Buchanan), Kate (Bea Benaderet) and her daughters Billie Jo (Gunilla Hutton), Bobbie Jo (Lori Saunders) and Betty Jo (Linda Kaye Henning) running the Shady Rest Hotel that’s midway on the railroad track between Hooterville and Pixley. But now they have new neighbors when Oliver Wendell Douglas (Eddie Albert) and his wife Lisa Douglas (Eva Gabor) check into the hotel while the Haney Farm is being fixed up for them. That’s right, it’s Green Acres crossover action. As part of the cult of Green Acres, these episodes are so revealing. It’s almost like a lost season as it shows Mr. Douglas constantly dealing with the scheming Uncle Joe. He helps the guy get out of jury duty. He also foolishly hires Uncle Joe as a contractor for fixing up the farm house. Mr. Drucker continues to have double duty on both shows. If you only buy and watch one season of Petticoat Junction, this is the essential viewing since it sheds more light on the early days in town for the Douglas family. This boxset is also a Walmart exclusive that’s best ordered online.

Rocko’s Modern Life: The Final Season brings to an end the greatest animated cartoon about a wallaby stuck in a strange town. The fourth season was noted for creator Joe Murray stepping back from his show running duties. Steve Hillenburg took over. “With Friends Like These” makes Rocko (Carlos Alazraqui) decide between Heffer (Tom Kenny) and Filbert (Mr. Lawrence). Why? Cause he only has one spare ticket to a big wrestling match. Who deserves it? “Sailing the Seven Zzzzzz” lets Ralph Bighead (Joe Murray) dream of being a pirate. “Ed Good, Rocko Bad” is a race for O-Town’s dog catcher. “Mama’s Boy” has Heffer finally move to his own house. But will his partying ways get in the way? “Magic Meathead” has Ed Bighead use a Magic 8-Ball for advice. This is a time honored tradition for stock picking. “Turkey Time” is the Thanksgiving special. Rocko wants to save the turkeys. You should buy this DVD set just so you can have an actual Thanksgiving special to watch in November instead of being nailed with pre-Christmas specials. The show was cut by Nickelodeon in 1996 which was a shame. But don’t feel too bad for Hillenburg since he’d be back shortly with his little cartoon idea: SpongeBob SquarePants. The big bonus feature is a live cast reading of Wacky Delly with Murray and the voice cast. Be thrilled to see Tom Kenny’s face. For those of you who haven’t been collecting the show by the season, you can grab Rocko’s Modern Life: The Complete Series.

The Neighbors: The Complete First Season is the ABCFamily series about a family that moves to the suburbs only to realize they are way out of town. Marty and Debbie Weaver (Jami Gertz) have found the perfect house in a gated New Jersey community. They fear their big city ways are going to make them look out of place. But that’s before the Welcome Wagon arrives. Turns out all the neighbors are named after sports superstars. It’s like an ESPN theme park. They realize something is messed up with the bizarre behavior. Turns out the neighbors are aliens who have been waiting a decade for the mothership to take them home. But they might be stuck on Earth. They do have the ability to snap into their real form with a handclap. It’s an interesting doubles match with two groups of people that feel like outsiders in the neighborhood. The first season has 22 episodes spread over 3 DVDs. You might want to get a fresh pie before watching the first episode.

Littlest Pet Shop: Petacular Escapades is another Hub show that my daughter is addicted to watching. For those who haven’t had their child demand marathons, the animated series is about Blythe Baxter and her dad moving into an apartment over the Littlest Pet Shop. While anyone with a nose might see this as a bad move, it does make for a fun cartoon series. This compilation DVD has 5 episodes from the first season. “Blythe’s Crush” has her return the keys to a boy she swears likes her. Does he? Back at the pet shop, a parrot claims to be a big time hero. Is he faking it to impress the other critters? “Dumb Dumbwaiter” gets the girl and the animals trapped inside the building’s dumbwaiter. Those mini-elevators are so tempting to crawl inside. “Lights, Camera, Mongoose” exposes your child to the musical numbers found in Indian cinema. Blythe gets sick and loses her ability to communicate with the pets on “What Did You Say?” “Terriers & Tiaras” makes you cringe at the pet pageant scene. This is worse than Honey Boo Boo on GoGo Juice. The show is cute as it lets the tiny animals play big.

My Little Pony: A Very Minty Christmas is part of the Classic My Little Pony Movies. This is not based on the new character designs that air on the Hub. Even though this holiday special was made in 2005, it almost looks like a product of the ’80s with the Friendship Is Magic character design. Minty screws up and breaks the “Here Comes Christmas Candy Cane.” This is the only way Santa knows how to find Ponyville. Her attempts to fix the problem don’t work out so well. This means she must hop a hot air balloon to go visit Santa and beg forgiveness. But it’s not an easy flight to the North Pole. The special episode is 45 minutes long so plan accordingly with bedtime for the kids. The bonus features are sing-along versions of “That’s What I Love About Christmas” and “Nothing Says Christmas Like a Pair of Socks.” The last song is so true. You now know what to get that Brony in your life.

The Frozen Ground is an all-star dramatic recreation of the hunt for Alaska’s most notorious serial killer. Nic Cage is Sgt. Jack Halcombe. He’s on the trail of guy who has been kidnapping women in Anchorage and taking them out to the cold wilderness to dump their bodies. It’s not a good thing. A break in the case happens when Vanessa Hudgens escapes from the killer. She thinks she’s safe, but the killer doesn’t like loose ends. Also featured in the movie is John Cusack in a role that might make you forget his time soaking in the Hot Tub Time Machine. 50 Cent sticks out in the frozen city. This is the kind of movie that will test your HDTV since the higher resolution will bring down the temperature of your family room by 10 degrees. The bonus features include a commentary track with director Scott Walker, deleted scenes, behind the scenes and history of the real case. You can also get a streamed version of the film through UltraViolet.

Dead Before Dawn puts a twist on zombie and demon possession films by giving us demon possessed zombies. Devon Bostick doesn’t heed the warning of Christopher Lloyd (Taxi) to not go near a dangerous item in his occult store. Naturally the kid doesn’t just touch the item. He drops and breaks it. This unleashes a massive curse in the area. Instead of just having people get possessed by demons or turned into zombies, this time the town is overrun by Zemons! The good news is that there’s a chance they can reverse the curse, but it has to be done before sun up. If they fail, the Zemons will infest the world like World War Zemon. I blame Christopher Lloyd for all of this ugliness. If he had properly secured the cursed statue, the kid wouldn’t have busted it open. Would it have been too much to lock it up in a man-size safe? The bonus features include a behind the scenes featurette and the trailer. The original film was presented in 3-D. You get a sense on the 2-D DVD as to what objects should be flying at your eyes.

Redemption lets Jason Statham (The Expendables) stretch a bit in his action role. He’s an Afghan war veteran who returns home on to have no center of balance. He’s completely falling apart and things get worse as he turns to drugs and booze to help himself. He ends up living on the street. He gets a little bit of support from a nun. He also stumbles into another man’s life that allows him to escape the streets. Instead of becoming completely straight, Statham picks up work in the underworld. He shakes down people that owe major amounts of money. Somehow the violent life gives him direction. He lives off that buzz of beating down those that deserve it. This is Statham at his focused prime. He’s allowed a full character without sacrificing his fight scenes. This is more of his Charles Bronson best instead of the remake of The Mechanic. There’s a short behind the scenes featurette as the bonus. There’s also a way to watch the movie on Ultra Violet.

The Garfield Show: A Purr-fect Life packs another six episodes of CGI feline action into a compilation DVD. The newspaper comic strip action is given a 3-D feeling on the small screen. “The Art of Being Uncute” features a reverse cat show where the ugliest cat gets the prize of six months in Greenland. Garfield is bent on getting Nermal that big prize and thus out of the house for quite some time. “History of Cats” ticks off mice how have their accomplishments stolen by Garfield. Will he get historically accurate? “Meet Max Mouse” is an outside troublemaker willing to bust the mice-cat truce. “Garfield Astray” has him lose his memory. Nermal gets his revenge by making Garfield a completely different cat. “Black Cat Blues” get Garfield cursed. “Pampered Pussycat” is Garfield having to teach royalty how to live. The bonus is five shorts that barely last a minute each.

Transformers Prime: Beast Hunters – Predacons Rising gives more to the story of the robots that transform into cars.

LIZARD LICK, N.C. – TruTV lies.

When the channel announced Lizard Lick Towing as part of its reality show lineup, the Party Favors called up to see if we could interview the stars. The Party Favors headquarters is based in Raleigh, North Carolina which is a short drive from the bustling intersection that is Lizard Lick. We were eager to promote a series that would show America the joy of living in the Sweet Spot of America (trademark pending). The fine folks at the channel and the show’s production company seemed eager to hook us up with Ron Shirley for a chat. But somehow things cooled off quick when they discovered we were pretty much spitting distance of the Lizard Lick Towing yard. They let my calls go to voice mail. Why the change of attitude? Was there a reason why they didn’t want to drum up a little support in their home market? I’ve been dissed by the best (I’m thinking of Michael K. Williams). It just comes with the territory.

Then the show came on and I realized the answer: Lizard Lick Towing is a massive fraud being flung at America. You know those people who swear the whole Moon Landing was faked on a soundstage? Lizard Lick Towing might as well be repo-ing cars on Mars. My entire area is being turned into a massive redneck fantasyland. How did I spot the fake nature of the show so quickly? Ron Shirley and Bobby Brantley have to repossess a car owned by a guy working at a tattoo parlor on Hillsborough Street. Things get nasty when the owner and his thug friends attack. It gets rough enough for ambulance to get called for a pick up. I was quite shocked to see such local violence depicted on TV. I immediately checked the news reports to find out when this incident occurred. But there was nothing. I wrote a news contact who works the crime beat and they reported back that the whole thing was staged. What? The City of Raleigh has spent millions to revitalize the Hillsborough Street area. They’ve changed up the roads, added rotaries and hired people to keep safe from undesirables. It’s across the street from NC State University. Yet as far as Lizard Lick Towing fans are concerned, it’s as dangerous as the Eight Mile neighborhood that’s home to Hardcore Pawn. There is publicity a city doesn’t need to buy with TV productions.

Another episode with major false depictions had Ron and Bobby get work being Ric Flair’s bodyguards. The Wrestling legend was coming to Raleigh for a “charity” event. Parts of this episode was filmed a few blocks from my house. First off, they have them going to Ric’s hotel. Ric stays at the snazziest of hotels when he comes to party in Raleigh. It’s a known fact. He met one of his wives at the also nearby North Raleigh Hilton. But the hotel Ron and Bobby visit seems a bit off. First thing is an establishing shot of Durham right near the ballpark where the Durham Bulls play. Why would the Nature Boy be in Durham for a Raleigh charity event? Who knows if it was really Durham or just an editor grabbing some b-roll? What matters is that the hotel is an office building with a few baggage carts littered about the main lobby. As a guy who works on reality shows, I applaud this ingenious move by the producers. Hotels are a pain in the ass to shoot inside. Guests keep wanting to check out and refusing to sign the model release. There’s way too much signage that requires clearance. Faking a hotel is a great solution. Since the scene features Bobby and Ron beating up two other security guards, they don’t need guests calling the cops. It’s just a touch of Hollywood magic. But this is supposed to be a reality show.

Under normal circumstances, there’s a plug for the charity for being so nice to let the production shoot at their event. The episode just calls it a charity without even saying what Ric wants stomped out with the support of fans. Maybe it was for people who were nearly getting hit in the head with metal chairs. Was there really a charity event? Ask yourself what are the odds that Ron and Bobby spot a car marked for repo in the parking lot? Naturally this leads to a fight and Ric Flair being ticked off that his charity event is being ruined by the two guys who have a show on TruTV and brought a camera crew to record the event. Ric had to sell less reality when he was in Raleigh making Mid-Atlantic Championship Wrestling episodes. What are the odds of getting into two fights in the same evening at a classy hotel and a charity event in my town? Zilch is the proper answer. According to Lizard Lick Towing, Raleigh is become a penal colony full of violent people who don’t like to pay for their cars. This show is more fake than Homeland which also shot in Raleigh.

Another episode had a massive fight on Raleigh’s Hillsborough Street that required an ambulance. For those unfamiliar with my fair city, they’ve paid millions over the last few years to beautify this historic road that cuts past NC State University (where Scotty McCreedy goes to school). And in a few minutes, Lizard Lick Towing turned it into the South’s version of Detroit’s Eight Mile. You know that saying that there’s no such thing as bad publicity? That was started by a bad publicist. Because this show really brings down the neighborhood worse than a Honda Civic on cinderblocks.
That’s not saying that Lizard Lick Towing isn’t a real company. Ron, Bobby and Amy Shirley work there. It’s a real company. It’s in the Yellow Pages. But the part of it you see on TV is about as real as an episode of Charles In Charge or Eastbound and Down. Ron wears those Bible inspired baseball jerseys, but he’s not witnessing to the truth to the TV world. It saddens me to see him play fast and loose with the town I call home.

Of course our state legislature hasn’t exactly been ridding America that we’re not a bunch of backwoods hicks. Their recent decrees to override science, institute a state religion and square dancing after passing voter suppression laws have been a ridicule bonanza for MSNBC, CNN and the Daily Show. I double anyone watching these reports would imagine North Carolina is the 10th largest state in the union and might end up in the #8 slot if these antics don’t derail growth. The only good thought is that between Lizard Lick towing and elected officials, we’ll still not top the crazy of Florida. But we’re coming after them with a truckload of Ernest T. Basses. Why would anyone want to locate their company in North Carolina knowing we’re a pack of toothless, meth loving, non-car paying hillbillies on the prowl for Ned Beatty?

Of course there’s no way to sue TruTV for massively lying to America about their fake programs. Their slogan is “Not Reality. Actuality.” Entertainment head Steve Koonin told the L.A. Times, “Notice we don’t say it’s reality. We call it actuality. This is our version of reality.” TruTV’s slogan is really a legal disclaimer. So those of us who have to be embarrassed by how Koonin and his ilk present our reality, we just have to suffer.

ROAST-LESS

Seems nobody stole my jokes for the James Franco Roast on Comedy Central. This is a good thing since it was the lamest roast yet. It was like an extension of his Oscar hosting except he got to sit down for most of it. Has anyone noticed that Andy Samberg didn’t really have any SNL characters outside of his not live musical moments? How is he going to survive with 22 minutes of playing a man-child cop? I’m predicting Brooklyn Nine-Nine is going to be the other half of Assy McGee.

PARTY FAVOR PARTY TIPS

Flair Bartending allows you to go beyond the basics taught during mixology classes. Scott Young is ready to transform you from someone who just pours liquor to the artist who entertains with their every move behind the bar. If you are the least bit curious as to what it takes to turn you into a 21st century Tom Cruise from Cocktail, buy and study this DVD set. Young puts you through over 7 hours of training and techniques. The key to his method is that this isn’t all about showboating. You’re not going to slow the drinks down if you follow his advice. You’re gonna impress customers with you moves and how fast it goes from your fingers into their throat. Are you ready to step up your game? Even if you just want to be a party bartender at your next big grilling, Young’s four part Flair training will help. There is a lot of practice involved. Flipping bottles of booze does require a bit of dexterity. You’re going to have to sweat to achieve perfection.

How to Be the Life of the Party is perfect for people who want to impress their Flair Bartender. Young is back with a big bag of tricks. Do you know how to balance an egg on its end? Can you stick a bottle to the wall? How can you light a match with one hand? Want to learn how to read minds? Scott Young is back to make you the do more than just drink and whine about Kardashians. He even breaks down various games you play with straws. Over the course of three hours, you’ll learn the secret of all those games people pulled on you. This is perfect for people eager to show off their mad skills while watching the football game at their favorite watering hole. You might want to skip a textbook purchase to get lessons that will matter to you for the rest of your life.

SCREAM FACTORY BLU-RAY REPORT

The Amityville Horror Trilogy brings back the reason why you should always question a too good to be believed real estate price. Why was the huge house with the “cool” attic windows going for a cheap rate in Amityville, New York? Was it a problem with termites? Was there a slight flooding issue? Did it have aluminum electrical wiring? Nope, it was because the previous occupants were slaughtered, an earlier owner was a devil worshipper and it might be right over an Indian burial ground. All three of these red flags never seem to appear on Zillow. Which is why James Brolin (Mr. Barbra Streisand) and Margot Kidder (Superman) buy the place thinking they got a bargain. What they got was a deal with the devil. This is normal for buying a house. They get a sense that something is wrong when a priestly Rod Steiger (In the Heat of the Night) attempts to bless the joint only to get violently ill. Flies begin to become a problem. There’s plumbing problems and holes in the walls that might be bleeding. Things not covered under a homeowner’s policy. Can the family save their house? How can they expect to unload on a bigger pair of rubes? Amityville Horror was a massive hit in 1979. If you adjust it for inflation, the movie made as much as Ironman 2. It was the crowning box office glory for American International Pictures. Naturally there had to be a sequel thus we get Amityville II: The Possession which goes back a homeowner. This is the story of the people who didn’t get to move out. Burt Young (Rocky) is the doomed slob who can’t grasp what’s going wrong in the house. Rutanya Alda is his wife. Once again a priest has issues blessing the house, but nobody sees that as a major warning sign like a foundation crack. It’s a harder film to watch since we know the sad fate of Burt Young and his family. While it wasn’t as big of a hit as the original, it didn’t stop them from making Amityville 3-D! The folks at Scream Factory bring both the 2-D and 3-D version to the Blu-ray. Be thrilled as Tony Roberts (Annie Hall) comes out of the screen as he’s scared out of his pants. Tony is a writer who thinks the whole Amityville Horror house is a crock. So he buys the place and investigates the supernatural and horrific stories. Guess what he discovers? That there are things more disturbing that a Home Owners Association. The 3-D effects are extra cheesy thanks to director Richard Fleischer (20,000 Leagues Under the Sea) play it up. At least he has a fine cast with Candy Clark (The Man Who Fell To Earth), Tess Harper (No Country For Old Men) and Meg Ryan. There are plenty of bonus features including commentary tracks with a parapsychologist and the author of Growing Up Haunted – A Ghostly Memoir). There’s a documentary about the first film with Brolin and Kidder giving their view of the massive hit. Candy Clark recounts her time in 3-D. The 1080p transfers of all the films make the house ready to move into. This is the perfect collection for people who were wondering why critics were comparing this series to The Conjuring.

Cockneys Vs. Zombies is a brand new film from England that brings to us two groups of people that are rather difficult to understand. The Cockney language seems devised to just confuse anyone who isn’t the speaker with constant slang. At least with zombies, you can occasionally make out a plea for brains. What do Cockney people even call brains? While a construction crew is demolishing property on the End of London, they knock in the door of a graveyard. The forgotten tomb is full of the living dead ready to bite and convert the locals. This turns into an all out zombie attack in the area. Seems hope exists only in the gangster-esque Alan Ford (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch). The big concern for the survivors is to get to a retirement home to save Richard Brier (Good Neighbors or The Good Life) and Honor Blackman (Goldfinger). This leads to the dream pursuit of a zombie going after an elderly guy using a walker. I’ve been waiting for such a moment and they do it so right here. This is a funny take on the zombie flick without losing its walking dead attitude. This is also Brier’s final film. He ought deserves a lot of respect as the TV father of the self-sufficiency movement. Hopefully he will move enough to escape the onslaught one last time. Bonus features include two audio commentaries, a behind the scenes special and a digital copy that can be downloaded until Sept 31, 2014.

John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness: Collector’s Edition is a religious spookfest from 1987. Donald Pleasence (Halloween) is a priest who receives a key and a dark secret from a dying priest. He and Victor Wong (Big Trouble In Little China) discover a mysterious substance inside an abandoned church. They immediately set out to investigate with a group of graduate students including Jameson Parker (Simon & Simon) and Lisa Blount (Needful Things). They must figure out what’s inside the sealed jar. Why does it have an effect on the homeless people wandering around the church. Can it truly rock a priest’s core religious beliefs? It’s got plenty of scares as the goo gets out and into the investigators. Plus you get to fear the sight of Alice Cooper holding a bike. There’s an audio commentary from John Carpenter. Fresh video interviews are provided with Carpenter and Cooper. The best is another installment from “Horror’s Haunted Grounds” with host Sean Clark taking us to the various locations. Turns out that the old church is now a theater. You can take in a show if you’re in Los Angeles. There’s even an Easter Egg.

George A. Romero’s Day of the Dead is the third installment of his zombie films A group of scientists and soldiers live in an underground facility as they attempt to figure out what is going on and is there a solution. One scientist is doing his best to retrain a zombie to become human again. But is there really any chance for these people deep in the Earth of escaping the undead? . After the sensations of Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead didn’t quite have that huge of an impact. But seemingly it is the film that has the largest impact on The Walking Dead. Tom Savini comes up with astounding effects once more. The bonus features let Romero set up the film better. “World’s End: The Legacy of Day of the Dead” is a nearly as long as the movie. The director talks about issues that cropped up with the budget be cut back. There’s also a commentary track featuring Romero, Savini, production designer Cletus Anderson and actress Lori Cardille. Savini breaks out his vintage footage of how the effects worked on the set. Scream Factory does their best to elevate Day of the Dead to its rightful place in zombie cinema.

Scanners II: The New Order & Scanners III: The Takeover are completely David Cronenberg free. Producer Pierre David made these without the director. They have little to do with the original film other than the concept of people that are Scanners and can blow up your head if they focus hard enough. Scanners II: The New Order has a young man (David Hewlett) move to the city to work as a vet intern. He can no longer control his scanner ability. During a robbery, he blows up the gunman’s head. This leads to him to helping out the cops. What cop doesn’t want a guy who can blow up heads during a stand-off? Can’t do ballistics on a brain wave. But it turns out his contact in the police force wants him to do more than fight crime. He sees the scanner as a fast track to take control of the town. Is the boy from the countryside able to realize he’s being used by a city slicker? Scanners III: The Takeover is a whole new set of scanner characters. A female scanner uses her abilities to takeover a company. She has serious ambition. The only person who can stop her is her brother. One of these siblings is going to blow up real good. Pierre Davis would later introduce us to the Scanner Cop series. These two titles were always poking out of the shelf at Videorama.

Psycho II: Collector’s Edition brings back Anthony Perkins in the role that made him a cinematic icon: Norman Bates. Decades after he went on a killing spree disguised as his mother, he’s released from the mental institution as sane. Can this be true? It is. Norman is returning home so he can run the Bates Motel once more. There are a lot of people who think he’s still nuts including Vera Miles. At first Norman has to work as a short order cook since Dennis Franz (NYPD Blue) is running the motel as a no tell motel. But things get confusing for him since he starts to get notes and phone calls from his mother. Is the old Norman back? Meg Tilly (Jennifer’s sister) tugs at Norman’s heartstrings. But can he really find a love greater than the one he had for his mom? There’s an audio commentary from screenwriter Tom Holland (who’d go on to make Fright Night) where he talks of reviving Norman Bates without Alfred Hitchcock being around. There’s the original electronic press kit with Anthony Perkins, Janet Leigh, Vera Mills and director Richard Franklin sounding exciting about spending another night in the Bates Motel. The Blu-ray brings out the detail of the old house.

Psycho III: Collector’s Edition brings us Anthony Perkins’ time in the director’s chair. Not to spoil Psycho II, but Norman Bates isn’t locked up. He’s back to his old hobby of stuffing animals while working the Bates Motel. Things seems slow until freelance journalist (Roberta Maxwell) blows into town wanting to do an article on the insanity defense. Norman isn’t too keen on spilling his secrets. Norman gets mixed up with an ex-nun (Diana Scarwid) who is dealing with the death of her mother superior. She relates with Norman which might not be a great thing. There are people who want to put Norman over the edge. Screenwriter Charles Edward Pogue gives a commentary about his time working with Perkins as an actor-director. There’s a video interview with Katt Shea (director of Poison Ivy) about minor role that just kept growing. Brinke Stevens discusses her body double performance. There’s also talk with Michael Westmore, the special effects wizards. While this film has its issues, it’s a lot more interesting than Gus Van Sant’s remake of Psycho. When is the last time you remembered Vince Vaughn thought he was Norman Bates?

BLU-RAY HEAVEN

Bates Motel: Season One takes us back to Norman Bates’ childhood when mother was a bit more mobile. When this series was first announced, it drew the normal reaction of “Is Hollywood all out of ideas?” Did someone jokingly say, “What about instead of Muppet Babies, we make Norman Bates Babies?” Thankfully the series isn’t a massive joke or a lame exercise in expanding a product line. The surprising power of the series is all thanks to mother (The Departed‘s Vera Farmiga). She’s a devoted single mother who only wants the best for her sons. Norman (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory‘s Freddie Highsmith)and his half-brother Dylan (Chloe‘s Max Thieriot) are a bit of handful. Max is the more troubled of the two. Neither of them are too happy when mom moves them from Arizona to White Pine Bay, Oregon. She has dreams of running a little motel and nothing is stopping her. Although the deal goes bad quick when the former owner drops by to sexually attack her. Norman fights the guy off and mom delivers the finishing blow. It’s rather touching how they turn homicide into a family project. Norman finds a notebook of a psycho’s plans for his victims. Can he stop the guy? Or does this turn into a teachable moment? Later in the series Norman learns taxidermy from his girlfriend’s dad. That’s going to be a hobby that will stay with him for the rest of his life. They keep up the tension of Bates family adventures in the new town. Vera is the star of the show as she keeps her boy in line. The series did well on A&E so there will be another 10 episodes in 2014. The Blu-ray brings out the charm of the early days at the Bates Motel and the 1960s décor. The bonus features include deleted scenes and their panel at the Paley Center. An extra bonus is postcards featuring a few of the sketches featured in Jiao’s notebook.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 The Movie: Collector’s Edition allows the world to see Crow T. Robot in 1080p. That’s right, this is your only real chance to see the Satellite of Love and Deep 13 in high definition since the original TV series was made in standard def. This was the cinema event of 1996 when you could go to a movie theater to see a movie about people sitting in a movie theater watching a different movie. It was a Meta-movie experience. The movie allowed Mike, Crow, Tom Servo Gypsy and Dr. Forrester to be bigger than life instead of their bigger than your TV set normal. Dr. Forrester is extra brutal in his cinematic torture this time around. He forces Mike and the Bots to watch This Island Earth. While some hail this as a science fiction classic, it’s rather dull in major parts. There’s a lot of action involving putting together various electronic devices in order to talk to aliens. This is about as exciting as hanging out at a Radio Shack on Wednesday night. This also gives them plenty of time to make quips. The best involve barely in the film Russell Johnson. They jab at his future gig on Gilligan’s Island as the Professor. There’s a lot more ship action since they can afford to go beyond the single shot Cambot moments. There’s a bit of excitement as the Satellite of Love nails the Hubble Space Telescope. And there’s a sneaking fear that this might be the film that finally destroys Mike and the Bots. Unlike the earlier barebones editions, the collector’s edition Blu-ray + DVD Combo Pack gives the full details and context of the movie. There’s the original supped up electronic media kit that went into cool video effects overdrive. There’s documentaries about Mystery Science Theater 3000 The Movie and This Island Earth so you can become educated on both the movie and the movie within the movie. It’s a story of frustration for MST3K The Movie, but what it ultimately did was allow the show to stay together while making the change from Comedy Central to SciFi Channel. What really matters is that you can bask in the glow of a 1080p Crow T. Robot. Just a shame TV’s Frank didn’t stick around so we could see his hair with such resolution.

Suddenly is a major thriller from Uwe Boll. The man who gave us Postal and Bloodrayne doesn’t have the greatest of reputations. He knows how to crank out films which often isn’t a good thing. This time he has Ray Liotta (Goodfellas) around to make this rather far-fetched story entertaining. Ray’s a former war hero who couldn’t handle the attention or recover from his time in battle. He’s become a drunk in a small town which isn’t good for his career as a cop. However he can’t get fired because the president is about to visit. Also visiting the town are a few strangers claiming to be secret service men. But are they? The only person who can save the president’s life is the barely sober Ray since nobody wants to believe that a sweet town can be a deathtrap. Michael Pare (Streets of Fire and Eddie and the Cruisers) is tangled in the plot. No matter how outlandish elements get, Ray keeps it interesting. This is the kinda of film that doesn’t make me want to fight Uwe Boll.

VINEGAR SYNDROME

The Doll Squad w/ Mission: Killfast is a high definition double feature of Ted V. Mikels movies on Blu-ray. Ted is a guy known for making movies with his harem of lovers. He also has an amazing mustache. He tried his hardest to make action films on a shoestring budget. He ultimately paved the way for Andy Sidaris to find an audience eager for more films featuring hot heroines and nearly macho guys. The Doll Squad is rumored (by Ted) to have inspired Charlie’s Angels. It’s not exactly about three women who have to quit being cops to get the respect as private investigators. But when a senator and a CIA agent are being blackmailed by an evil organizations, they call The Doll Squad led by Sabrina Kincaid (Francine York). Sabrina was Kate Jackson’s name. She attempts to put her team together, but someone is following her and killing her contacts. There must be a mole in the organization leaking out the information. There’s a lot of serious action and superimposed explosions to save on the cost of blowing stuff up. The best effect is Tura Satana from Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!. She knows how to look fierce on the big screen. Mission: Killfast was released in 1991, but the production screams an early ’80s shoot. Nuclear detonators are stolen and there’s only one man who can save the world: Tiger Yang! He’s Ted’s answer to Chuck Norris except with a haircut as deadly as his fists. Tiger has retired from international intrigue to focus on his black belt classes. But he can’t resist his country’s call. The key to getting back the detonators is a blue magazine. This is the perfect excuse to combine kung fu with a little topless action. There’s quite a few bonus features including Ted commenting on Doll Squad and a video interview with Ted about Mission: Killfast. Francine York talks about her time leading the Squad. A vintage trailer for Doll pumps up the action. The jacket for the Blu-ray is reversible so you can make the box for the film that impresses you the most.

Good Luck Miss Wyckoff is an extremely classy exploitation epic revived on Blu-ray. The book was written by award winning playwright William Inge (Picnic). Polly Platt adapted the screenplay. Marvin Chomsky (Roots) directed Anne Haywood (The Fox) as the virgin teacher with an issue. Anne teaches at a Kansas college and lives with several other teachers at a bordering house. She doesn’t feel right and her doctor (The Man From U.N.C.L.E.‘s Robert Vaughn) tells her it’s early onset menopause. Basically if she’s not using it, her uterus doesn’t want to stick around. He sends her off to a shrink (Prince of Darkness‘s Donald Pleasance) to get help. He wants her to open up so that she can have a sexual desire. She seems on track to hook up with Earl Holliman (Police Woman). Unfortunately that doesn’t work out. Instead things go really weird with a black student (John Lafayette) who is on the football team, but must also work as a janitor to get his scholarship. He knows she wants it, but is too repressed to act. You know that tender romance found in Bridges of Madison County? That’s not here. This is a non-romantic film. You’ll drop your jaw when he loses his jumpsuit. The scene where their relationship is exposed is an extreme moment that you won’t be seeing in 50 Shades of Grey since it’s that messed up. Even more disturbing is seeing Carolyn Jones (The Addams Family) dropping the N Bomb with utter disgust. This is not a sweet tale of those innocent bygone days. It’s Unhappy Days for Miss Wyckoff. It’s a film that brings back that time when filmmakers were unflinching. The bonus features include a cut of the film from when it was reissued as The Sin. There’s also trailers, TV spots and a photo gallery. While actress Shirley Knight isn’t in the movie, she does talk about William Inge. Vinegar Syndrome has given a deluxe treatment to the movie with a Blu-ray, DVD and the soundtrack on a CD. The image looks great on the Blu-ray. You’ll be able to really absorb the detail of Miss Wyckoff’s plight.

Drive-In Collection: The Sexualist & Wendy’s Palace is a Kemal Horulu double feature straight from a sleazy Time Square cinema in the early ’70s. The Sexualist is a rather arty kind of movie for an X-rated flick. A hippie filmmaker and his chubby backer are making a film about astrological positions. They’re looking to be a touch of adult education in their hot action. Although beyond the plot is the arrival of a gay gorilla. It’s a rather gruesome ape suit on the guy that many viewers will find rather distracting. The comedy focuses on how unsuccessful the director has been in the past. But this one is going to be the hit that will make his pal’s $3,000 investment pay big returns. Or will it? The ladies in the film include Tina Russell, Barbara Benner and Jennifer Welles. Besides the trailer, they found five minutes of outtakes. This proves that some film was left on the editing room floor. Wendy’s Palace is about a hooker eager to move up the whore ladder. After getting busted while hustling in front of a sign for Hello Dolly, Wendy (Mary Poey) sets up a bordello. In a bit of a twist, the vice cop wants to hook up with her both professionally and emotionally. Can she make it in business and love in the Big Apple? There’s some sharp footage of Times Square from 1970 in the film. Check out the marquee for Patton. There’s a trailer for the movie. If you’ve ever been slightly curious about these kind of movies, this is a fine collection since Vinegar Syndrome has the transfer looking great. The fleshtones look fleshy instead of like a bunch of sunburned bodies.

Drive-In Collection: Blood Thirst & The Thirsty Dead is a combo that doesn’t come with a large drink. Blood Thirst has a series of bizarre murders taking place around Manila. Women are being strung up and bled out. The cop on the case is Vic Diaz (The Big Bird Cage). He’s not afraid to call up Adam Rourke (Robert Winston), an authority on sex crimes. He wants to solve a case and not merely make his career. Who is behind the vampire killings? It might be tied to Yvonne Nielson, a belly dancer who wants to shake the blood into Rourke’s midsection. Winston’s not a bad actor, but his career ended on this film that took nearly six years to get released on the low level theater circuit. The real star of the movie is the tailor who made the impressive business suits. The black and white photography adds to the attitude. The Thirsty Dead has another blood sucking cult on the loose of the streets of Manila. Guess who plays a cop in this film? How about Vic Diaz? He’s not given as big of role even with his experience tracking down blood suckers in the land of Marcos. Why are women being abducted off the streets of Manila? Because somewhere outside the city is a cult that stays young thanks to drinking blood. Things go bad when a cult member falls in love with his food. Can love overcome everything? It’s a fine Vic Diaz double feature.

Drive-In Collection: Death Force & Vampire Hookers come from Cirio H. Santiago, the Filipino Roger Corman. While he made a quite a few films that were distributed by Roger’s New World, Cirio had other that went to other independent distributors. Death Force is an epic for Cirio as it is nearly two hours long. Leon Isaac Kennedy and his two army buddies scheme to steal a fortune in gold from the Philippines. The robbery goes off without a hitch until the duo turn on Kennedy. He ends up stuck on a remote island with two Japanese soldiers. They help him recover and train him in the art of the samurai. Kennedy has to return to Los Angeles to hook up with his woman (Battlestar Galactica‘s Jayne Kennedy) and gets piece of revenge on his two army buddies. Keep your eyes open wide to spot Vic Diaz. He ought to get a lifetime Oscar for all his work in these movies. Vic’s even in Vampire Hookers. The big star is John Carradine (House of Dracula). He’s an undead pimp whose ladies go out at night to seduce U.S. sailors for a coffin party. He loves to quote literature before baring his fangs. Vic is a pansexual blood sucker. Carradine appears to be enjoying himself around his young female vampires. The sets appear to have been stolen from a junior high school’s production of Dracula. It’s a bit of a hoot with more Manila based vampire action. You can’t resist a film with a theme song that declares, “They’re vampire hookers/Blood isn’t all they suck.” This time Vic Diaz is on the other side of the neck. There’s a red band trailer for Vampire Hookers.

THE DVD SHELF

Elementary: The First Season reimagines Sherlock Holmes as a recovering drug addict living in America. Jonny Lee Miller is perfectly cast as Holmes since he’s a guy who looks pretty smart, but at the same time has the stare that lets you know he liked to party hard. The guy was Angelina Jolie’s first wife when she wasn’t playing the noble cause cards. The producers wisely landed Lucy Liu as the sensible Dr. Watson role. She’s one of the few actresses who have the power to say, “I’m not putting up with your crap” with the smallest of gestures. The 24 episodes of the first season have her arriving at Holmes’ apartment as a hired sober living companion. She’s not prepared for him or his messy life. But amongst the clutter, is a mind that can put together clues and solve crimes. His occupation is consultant with the police on seriously twisted cases. Besides the obvious bad guys, Holmes must battle with his own desires and demons. It’s easy to see him wanting to get messed up so that his brain can shutdown for a little break. He has an ex-lover driving him nuts. Towards the end of the season he finally gets a major rival with the arrival of Moriarty. This was one of the new shows from last season that was avid viewing because of the give and go between Miller and Liu. The bonus features include a feature about updating the character and a tour of the sets from Liu. They even toss in the webisodes.

The Haunting of Helena will make your children fear losing a single tooth. A single mother and her young daughter move into a new house. Things seem great until the daughter loses her first baby tooth. Instead being happy at getting a quarter under her pillow, she talks about a mysterious visitor who doesn’t completely sound like the tooth fairy. It’s not a cute little character with wings, glitter and a wand. There’s a gruesome element to the visits. Helena is an effective Italian spooker. It’s tempting to show this movie to the kid when she whines that somehow the tooth fairy didn’t leave enough for her old molars.

Hallmark Channel Movie Double Feature: Meddling Mom & The Sweeter Side of Life contains two tales of the troubles of relationships when others get involved. Meddling Mom lets Sonia Braga (Kiss of the Spider Woman) help her daughter get married. Except the daughter doesn’t need that much help. The career minded daughter finally finds a guy who might be the one. But mom is in no mood to wait for true love to take its course. She wants a wedding soon. The Sweeter Side of Life reminds us of the painful taste of a nasty prenup. Kathryn Morris (Cold Case) finds her husband not merely dumping her, but destroying her financially thanks to that marriage contract. Things get so bad that she has to move to New Jersey. But she refuses to be defeated. Can her baking skills keep her from becoming a background extra on The Real Housewives of New Jersey? The real joy of the film comes in seeing James Best (Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane on The Dukes of Hazzard) in a big role. How come he doesn’t get a lifetime achievement award from SAG?

Grey’s Anatomy: Complete Ninth Season picks up with the cliffhanger that had a majority of the staff stuck inside a plane that was plummeting towards the ground. Instead of making this a minor event, the entire season is focused to the recovery of the doctors and the non-recovery of one of them. No need for me to spoil which character doesn’t make it through the first few episodes. One of the doctors does lose a limb. Another finds their marriage in jeopardy since it turns out their spouse signed off on going with the cheaper private plane charter company that had safety issues. One doctor needs an experimental surgery to restore his operating hands. Will anyone donate a major nerve? The whole hospital is in jeopardy of a massive lawsuit from the injured doctors. Grey’s gains a bit of narrative momentum with the focus on the wreck instead of merely who is having whose baby. There is still baby talk for longtime fans. The bonus features include bloopers and deleted scenes. The best is a feature on Jim Pickens, Jr. living the cowboy life. He’s got his own ranch and horses.

Ultra Q: The Complete Series is another moment of feeling like my childhood wasn’t as complete as it could have been. This series was the precursor to the legendary Ultraman. This almost the precursor to X-Files and Kolchak: The Night Stalker. A reporter, a pilot, his girlfriend, a scientist and a kid go zipping around Japan checking out monster incidents. They encounter massive giant monsters courtesy of Toho’s Godzilla collection. Why wasn’t this on TV in rotation with Ultraman and Space Giants? According to the sources, it was packaged for sale with Ultraman, but the US distributor just wanted to go Ultraman because Ultra Q was in black and white. This was in the late ’60s and it makes no sense. We were still enjoying Addam’s Family and The Munsters in black and white. Why wouldn’t we enjoy a repurposed Godzilla outfit that wasn’t in color? We were still monster mad kids in the summer of 1975. The show is rather good for being a TV version of a Toho production. If you like Godzilla and Gamera, you must embrace the glory of Ultra Q.

Lala-Oopsies: A Sew Magical Tale: The Movie is a story within the Lalaoopsy universe. This is a fantastical place beyond the already magical place. The film has a toy chest whimsy to the story about fairies and mermaids in a world that’s been stitched together. But this is not a simplicity life for the happy characters. There’s a massive crisis when the strawberry milk stops flowing. Like the spice in Dune, strawberry milk is the magic key to this world. The milk must flow! So the characters have to unclog the stream in a massive adventure. While this is called a movie, the running time is only 44 minutes long. This short running time should be a relief to parents wondering when they can get back to the football game. The bonus feature are two Lalaloopsy min adventures: “Too Close for Comfort” and “A Ruff Rescue.”

Delete is a movie and not an order to clear your hard drive. The Reelz channel mini-series envisions a future where an artificial intelligence creature takes control of the internet. It craves to shutdown humanity as it takes over defense systems. Has mankind become so reliant on computers that the world will be flung into anarchy and apocalypse? What is the solution? The big brains get together and come up with an attack plan that’s like fighting fire with fire. Although there’s a chance the entire thing will backfire and we’ll be slaves to our cyber overlords. There are a few stars in the production including Seth Green (Robot Chicken), Gill Bellows (Ally McBeal) and Matt Frewer (Max Headroom). This is a bit more cerebral than Ghost Shark on the SyFy channel. Delete on the DVD is the extended version so there’s a bit more crisis moments. The bonus features include interviews with the cast and crew.