This week’s sermon – “We Don’t Need Another Hero”

July 23, 2007

Welcome to another addition of Preachin’ from the Longbox where we prove that “Comic Book Characters (or Comic Book Columns) never die; they simply come back in Specials and One-Shots (I’m talking to you, Captain Mar-Vell, Bucky Barnes, and Jason Todd, n’est-ce pas?).”

Okay, since I lost my religion for comics late last year, I’ve been like a lost soul searching for some sort of sign, tangible or otherwise, that comics are still a viable form of decent escapism entertainment. Because, currently, I’m seeing the majority of display space in comic book stores and retail outlets dedicated to the latest Big Business Trojan horse (i.e. using these iconic characters with their never-ending, event-driven inter-company crossovers) to help bolster their bottom line and enhance their stockholders’ portfolio.

Then, it hits me. As hard as a Jon Lovitz shove (okay, probably quite a bit harder than an overweight short fifty-ish schlub could muster), this muse for a column captures my attention. And by captures, I mean, it made me almost physically ill. So, with a reaction that strong, a column must be written. What is the muse, you ask? It is”¦

Who Wants To Be A Superhero, Season 2

I know that it was a guilty pleasure for some last season and it does have Stan the Man’s image and name associated with the project. But seeing the formulaic reality grinder house churn out another American Idol-clone that uses people (get this) in the garb of their superhero creations was too much for even a Reality TV junkie like yours truly. So, much as I did with the Pirates of the Caribbean monstrosity, Pirate Master, I denied to its existence.

However, I somehow got this season’s contestants in costume and figured that its sole purpose to be on this earth (other than to fail in the cable ratings) was for me to analyze and mock each participant’s entry. And lucky you, dear reader, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

So, with that unnecessarily longwinded and egocentric laden setup, here are my thoughts, observations, insults and odds that the character will succeed for the WWTBAS, S2 cast. If using the Idol structure is the blueprint for this show, you know what judge I’m gonna be. So, on with it…

(The first PftL disclaimer ““ The odds provided below are for entertainment purposes only and are have really nothing to do with who actually should win this reality show competition. If this was an actual reality show that people somewhat watched, there might be some action to be had in Vegas. As it stands right now, the only place that would take such wagers is a lonely old Vegas-style operation off the coast of Bermuda who will make you buy $50 in credits for a $10 game. If that’s your idea of a rocking time, have at it, my friend.)

(Second PftL disclaimer ““ When referencing comics, I’m just referring to superhero books since that is where the majority of superhero books come from. Also, there has been no factual research performed on these characters by the writer. All comments are based on the impressions received by the characters’ costumes. After seeing them for yourselves, you’ll understand. Trust me.)

Contestant #1 ““ Basura

Inspiration (meaning who they tried to rip-off ): Not sure; maybe Ant-Man for talking to bugs

PftL’s Comments: If ever there was a favorite, this one would be it only because the character has some originality and doesn’t really resemble (at least by name) of another superhero already in existence. If had to change only one thing, it would be the name. Inkow that it is the crux of the character but here’s what our good friends at Babylon.com had to say about the translation of the word “Basura”:

basura (female noun) – rubbish, refuse, garbage; dregs; manure, animal dung, fertilizer

Not exactly a descriptive list that strikes fear into the hearts of criminals nor is it one that other superheroes would like to stand next to in a group. There has to be a better name out there. But other than that, this character is the only one that I could even remotely consider in a comic book.

Odds of character making it as a lead book character: 25-to-1

Contestant #2 ““ Ms. Limelight

Inspiration (meaning who they tried to rip-off ): Hmm, I wonder if it could be Green Lantern (Hal Jordan should be rolling in his grave. But please refer to the first paragraph of this column for further details.)

PftL’s Comments: God, this outfit needs work. Fringe on the arm sleeves haven’t been popular since Jon had long hair and Alec was strumming the four-string. And lemme tell you, it’s not time for a resurgence. The color combinations ““ silver, white and lime green ““ are awful not only to look at but also to have in a comic book. Outside of Captain Atom, the Engineer from The Authority and Jocasta, I can’t remember the last time an all-white or silver costume was in a decent book. Lastly, the clips on the waist for her accessories remind me of Ikea since I see stuff that looks good in their store but have no real use outside of it.

Odds of character making it as a lead book character: 30-to-1

Contestant #3 ““ Hyper-Strike

Inspiration (meaning who they tried to rip-off ): Karate Kid, Iron Fist, Shang-Chi , or any other kung-fu dude out there

PftL’s Comments: Two thoughts initially come to mind when seeing this picture. Number one ““ when did Mike Reno lose weight and stop touring long enough to get on this show? And number two ““ does Northstar know that this guy might still be on the open market? Okay, the second one is a cheap shot but damn, this dude looks way too happy to be doing a flying high kick. If that was me, I would be a crumpled mess on the floor, which is why I’m not a superhero. And who wears a headband over six inches in width? Me thinks that he should be seeing the pharmacist about something to help with his MPB (Male Patterned Baldness).

Odds of character making it as a lead book character: 35-to-1

Contestant #4 ““ Whip Snap

Inspiration (meaning who they tried to rip-off ): Zorro with a little Omega Red

PftL’s Comments: Ahhh, more fringe! Maybe, I was wrong but if there is a resurgence, I’m gonna stop it at all costs. Fringe is something for oriental rigs, hookers’ lampshades and El Camino dash covers but not on superhero costumes. Ack, are those wrestling boots? Seriously, did the people who sewed the wardrobe for “Nacho Libre” do the same for poor Whip Snap? And what’s up with the red swath on the top of the hair? Is it there just for distraction purposes? I’ll revert to a Randy-ism for this one: “I’m not feeling it, dawg.”

Odds of character making it as a lead book character: 45-to-1

Contestant #5 ““The Defuser

Inspiration (meaning who they tried to rip-off ): Lock-Up mashed up with an unemployed Rent-A-Cop

PftL’s Comments: I thought that a defuser was an accessory to a hair dryer. Not only is the name lame but the costume is so uninspired that this superhero must be either a result of a small application pool or a drunken all-nighter in TJ before the show submission deadline. This guy looks more like mall security than a superhero. Hell, he even has a freakin’ blue badge on his flak jacket. And dude, here’s a piece of advice for a comic book geek to another. The exposed arms are more of a liability than a way to take girls to the Gun Show, especially when the caliber of your guns that is on display is so small.

Odds of character making it as a lead book character: 50-to-1

Contestant #6 ““Partenon

Inspiration (meaning who they tried to rip-off ): A twisted mix of Hercules and the Black Knight with a slight dab of Thor

PftL’s Comments: It’s the first Ren Fen entry and it’s a real gem. It looks so bad on so many levels. The bad ten cent stones around the belt, the tunic, the forearm shields, the gold llame tights; I could go on”¦ But, that’s not the worse of it. The crowning achievement to this very laughable getup is use of the leather Italian sandals. There’s nothing better than fighting crime while, at the same time, keeping your feet cool, casual and ready for that next summer concert series. The worst thing is that I have a feeling that this guy will only speak in some sort of bad Russell Crowe as Maximus accent. Ughh, he’s not going to be long in this contest.

Odds of character making it as a lead book character: 74-to-1

Contestant #7 ““Mr. Mitzvah

Inspiration (meaning who they tried to rip-off ): The Seraph and Sabra with Blackhawk’s flight jacket spray painted gold

PftL’s Comments: Welcome Little Johnny Lydon to the party and he fights for the Star of David. And it’s another person who loves the gold on the costume. With all of that gold, maybe he should change his name to Gelt. At least, the kids would like him. Anyway, the suit is very unimpressive and lame that my level of snarkiness has temporarily left me. Hey, that may be his power. Must fight through ““ My last thought is that if a pair of henchmen could roll up on Mr. Mitzvah with a crow bar and a Louisville Slugger, they can Bar and Bat Mitzvah to death and that’s would make a pretty damn funny obit.
Odds of character making it as a lead book character: 75-to-1

Contestant #8 ““Braid

Inspiration (meaning who they tried to rip-off ): Medusa with Robin’s staff

PftL’s Comments: Wow, here’s a shocker; it’s another lame name and lamer costume. It is obvious that this character’s hair is a weapon. This has been done better with the wife of Black Bolt. For her sake, I hope that she has an Eisner-award winning back-story and origin because if not, there’s only a five-page back-up story in her future. Since she did not put enough effort into making her character memorable, I don’t feel like I have to do more than she did. I’m done.

Odds of character making it as a lead book character: 100-to-1

Contestant #9 ““Mindset

Inspiration (meaning who they tried to rip-off ): Charles Xavier, Brainwave, Doctor Strange’s eyebrows and Mysterio’s tailor

PftL’s Comments: Alright, for those of you who are looking to write comics are a career, here’s a nugget of useful information for you to use in your first superhero book. If a person needs to be either highly intelligent (ala Lex Luthor) or be a world-class telepath (Prof. X), he has to be as bald as the majority of porn stars’ nether regions. It must be the only way to convey the sheer magnitude of their gray matter because hair blocks the brain’s abilty to think powerfully. For example, Grant Morrison is beautifully bald and a genius; Lindsay Lohan, not so much on either count. Back to the subject at hand, Mindset must’ve just acquired this noggin power since no one who would be so high on the Mensa chart and wear those clam shell-looking shoulder pads that are so large that they would make Brian Urlacher wet himself. As a parting shot, men with large girth in their midsection should not wear tight clothing under any circumstances; especially when there are two triangles pointing at your beer belly. This guy might be blessed with smarts but he’s cursed with Dunlap’s Disease (and quite possibly on the Seafood diet). There, I’ve satisfied my old man jokes quota for the column. Yay for me.

Odds of character making it as a lead book character: 200-to-1

Contestant #10 ““Hygenia

Inspiration (meaning who they tried to rip-off ): American Maid, blatantly

PftL’s Comments: Puhlease! This character is so bad that it deserves the number one spot as the worst of the worst. C’mon Stan, I know that you had an army of creators under your tutelage over 30 years ago. But to be a part of the show without camp that has a friggin’ maid with a unbelievably bad moniker as “Hygenia” as a superhero is out and out crazy. If I was Mrs. The Man, I would be looking into locking your ass up for this one; Stripperella be damned! The only thing that would rocket this character to the top spot in the All-Time Bad Superheroes list is if the first name of her secret identity was Gina. Then, all of her co-workers could yell at her, “Hi, Gina” and the laugh track would go off and it would be over. Get this pile of stink away from me. I’ll never be able to look at fish nets fondly ever again.

Odds of character making it as a lead book character: 2 million-to-1

So, who am I predicting as a winner of this season’s Who Wants To Be A Superhero? No one. Not the contestants, not Stan Lee, not the SciFi channel, and especially not the viewers. With this cast of rejects that the Great Lakes Avengers and the Substitute Legion of Superheroes would openly laugh at, this season is the television equivalent of what WOPR learned from Matt Broderick which is “the only winning move is not to watch.”

-britt

Britt Schramm is also a contributor for the pop-culture website Kung-Fu Rodeo and solely responsible for the mess that is Tripping the Life Fanatic. He also occasionally blogs about his own life at The Preach’s “Ahem” Corner.

This week’s sermon – “Juss Don’t Believe The Hype”

March 12, 2007

For those of you who fell into a light coma, and have finally woken up, the “shocking” epilogue of Marvel’s Civil War, Captain America #25, was released this past Wednesday.

Why is the significance of that issue, you ask? Other than the issue hitting the quarter-century mark, I mean, really doesn’t every issue hit that supposed milestone? (Well not the criminally shit-canned The Thing). Well, since you’ve lived this long without hearing about the news and normally, this would be considered a spoiler in some circles, I’ll let you avert your eyes and quickly click on some other link here at the Quick Stop.

(Twiddles thumbs”¦)

I hear that the recent “SModcast” podcast and “Game On” vidcast are quite good.

(Looks at watch”¦)

Alrightey then, time’s up.

For those of you strong enough to stick around, the driving force behind Cap #25 is that:

Cap gets CAPPED!

Yup, he’s dead as a door nail – or, to use a more current comparison, as dead as Sanjaya’s chances for winning Idol. But don’t worry; he’ll get some work in the entertainment industry as El DeBarge in next year’s biopic, Gang Wars: DeBarge versus The Jets. Jennifer Hudson has shown the way – Hallelujah!

Again, this latest revelation by Marvel is no big deal. Steve Rogers has been removed from the comic book scene more once in his storied continuity; most recently during the whole Heroes Reborn mess. (Although, he was really just put in a marble courtesy of Franklin Richards but that’s just semantics and bad plotting but let’s continue).

There are bits of news coverage out there from the New York Daily News to the L.A. Times to Newsweek to the Colbert Report talking about the death and that’s well and good. I don’t see a problem with any comic company getting some good, juicy, tabloid-style press. With all of the other entertainment options other there right now, comics needs all of the help that it can get.

However, my beef with this whole Captain America slaying thing isn’t the amount of press for Cap’s assassination. It’s something else which usually comes along with the hype that is completely familiar and horrifying at the same time. Let me illustrate:

A certain iconic superhero died and it was hyped up in the news like it was a real death. It was plastered all over the place and you couldn’t escape people commenting about it for days. The “death” issue, with a variant cover, was sold out completely and the comic book publisher started to ship out second and third printings (with a different cover) to keep up with the demand.

Comic shops were jacking up cover prices on that death issue as well as all of those back issues that contained any part of this storyline just as lapsing readers as well as non-comic book readers were driving in droves to buy these “special” comics; earmarking them as investments for their children.

Then, after a few weeks, the buzz started to wane and the comic book publisher started a new all-encompassing story arc in a way to keep the attention going. After awhile, the buying masses started to see through the marketing ploy and the comics industry was looking at a real crisis ““ a failing business strategy where their readership was dwindling.

That was, as you have probably guessed, the Death of Superman. The year was 1993, otherwise known as the beginning of the Decline of Western Comic Book Readership.

Let’s cut to today. Comics survived the speculator nose dive and have built themselves back into a relatively thriving business with more Cons and bankable theatrical blockbusters left and right (Nic Cage’s Elvis-talking his way thought Ghost Rider was the latest in that trend). Also, their recent multi-title story arcs, Infinite Crisis and Civil War, were, for the most parts, hits.

So, the people running the four-color “show” for the Big Two, so to speak, have gotten decidedly a little cocky. So, what is the first thing that they do with their newfound ignorance? Shocker; they forget their history and repeat 1993 all over again.

Here are some telling excerpts from what I’ve read so far in some of the various published reports:

ICv2 News ““ “One important issue is whether Marvel is able to get enough copies into the market to dampen speculation. If the news becomes ‘look what this comic from last week/month is worth’ instead of ‘look at this cool storyline in Marvel comics,’ look out.” (PftL – Here, here. Well said.)

New York Daily News – “‘I was shocked. I was not expecting it,’ said Gerry Gladston, co-owner of Midtown Comics in Manhattan. ‘I’d rather they didn’t kill him – but it’s going to mean great sales.'” (PftL – Oy vey. Déjà vu, anyone?)

In case you were wondering, Mr. Gladston was not joking.

The secondary market for this issue is seeing some very questionable on-line retailers marking the issue up by almost 650% over the cover price while eBay, the arbiter of gauging at its finest, has more than one auction with the two covers for a starting bid of $2000. Two large for an overprinted comic book that will be collected in six months and retconned within a year? Are you kidding me? Am I the only one getting sick from a case of the (Re)runs?

Ya know, the first thing that comes around a rotting corpse is a vulture and the equivalent of this nasty animal in the comics industry is speculators. They are a group of people most foul. Not to get too pious (yeah right) but these profiteers not only reduce comics into a poor man’s form of day trading but they also take away the essence of comics and turn it from a intimate medium to tell a story into a sterile, slabbed commodity. This practice makes me so sick I feel like Simonizing someone.

I’m sure that the “Cap Death” and subsequent “Fallen Soldier” story arcs will be finely told tales and people will buy them en masse. I’m just worried what will happen to the comics industry after all of the buzz has died once again and the shop owners are left with millions of funny books and mounting issues of their own.

-britt

The Last Sermon – “I’ve Lost That Loving Feeling”

October 23, 2006

I’ve finally lost it.

Not in a postal sense. And not in the sense of losing it like New York’s going out with her verbal guns a-blazin’ when she got bounced by Flavor Flav in the “The Flavor of Love 2″ finale. I would say that she should save that drama for her mama but it seems like that’s where she got it from in the first place. That girl has more baggage than Samsonite.

Actually, I think that I’ve hit some sort of mental wall and in the process, I’ve lost my passion for writing about comics. Well, at least for the time being.

To get a better grip on why I lost this drive, I went through some personal inventory. Obviously, some of the blame has to do reside me and I’ll own up to that fact. While I often derive a sense of accomplishment from bringing a “different” view on the world of comics while not trying to be serious about the whole industry, it is no longer as fun as it used to be in recent months. That has never more apparent than by the recent delays in the posting of the PftL columns; normally they were posted on a bi-weekly schedule but now have slid into an almost once a month-ish, when I have something to say kind of pattern. That’s not good. Also, while I’ve always claimed that I’m an unabashed hypocrite in most respects, I’m finding it more and more difficult to constantly bitch about some comic books that are always delayed when my own columns miss multiple deadline dates.

I also seem to have lost my, for lack of better words, comic book radar. I pride myself in trying to unearth comic book nuggets and offer them to you, the reader, on a four-color platter. But within the past few months, I’ve missed writing about a couple of topical things:

“Aquaman” pilot on iTunes ““ How could this slipped past me? I found out about this from Entertainment Weekly and after verifying that it was there, I couldn’t look myself in the mirror for a couple of days. How can I call myself a comic book columnist if I didn’t know that this Smallville spin-off was in existence? It is almost inexcusable.

“Space Sentinels: The Complete Series & Freedom Force: The Complete Series” ““ Again, how long have I been asleep at the wheel? This set was released back at the end of August and I just found out about it yesterday night. I’m so about the old Filmation superhero junk. I would’ve pimped this stuff at least a full month before it came out. For no other reason other than to make sure that there will be more of this classic 70s-80s Saturday Morning cartoon stuff out on DVD. At least, I can mark a December date in my calendar for the release of “Dungeon & Dragons: The Complete Series”.

Alright, back to the subject at hand. Typically, I should be able to write a column about comic books with my eyes closed (and if you read some of my older columns, it may literally be the case). But the fault is not all at my feet. The books themselves have left me, for the lack of better words ““ speechless or for the problem for the continuation of this column, wordless. And obviously, that’s not a good thing.

Currently, the mission of both Big Two in the comic book industry is hopelessly devoted to one thing, which is that money-grabbing and decompression-abusing practice that is also known as company-wide crossovers.

Now, before any of you out there rightly say that there are many more genres to comic books for people to read other than an overindulgence of the Big Two’s superhero comic books, I can only say two things:

One ““ Despite the emergence of Image, Dark Horse, Oni Press, IDW, Boom Studios, Viper, and the rest of the smaller publishers, the comic book industry rises and falls on the weekly output that transpires from the Big Two. I wish that it wasn’t the case because there really are some inspired books being created and sold. But as Bruce Hornsby sang all those years ago, “That’s just the way it is. Some things will never change.”

Two ““ I was “made” into this business as a tights-and-cape guy over twenty years ago and I can’t seem to shake it. Trust me; I know that I’m not the only one who still feels that way.

Trying to keep up with these 100-plus inter-connected monthly titles (plus stand alone title) is mentally, not to mention physically, exhausting. You can’t swing a dead cat in a comic book shop without hitting at least ten books that don’t have somewhere on the cover bearing either Identity Crisis, Infinite Crisis, Year One, House of M, DeciMation, or Civil War logo. That’s too prevalent; especially for my liking.

All of this stuff is so in my something-to-bitch-about wheelhouse; just in case you didn’t know. And yet, I don’t have the impetus to transcribe my feelings into words. It’s as if I have this feeling that I haven’t had since I took that Home Economics class back in seventh grade, which is the same one I have for the lame 80s parity, Totally Awesome. That feeling is one of the seven deadly sins that scared Billy Batson into becoming Captain Marvel all those years ago ““ Apathy.

Once I finally realized that I’ve turned apathetic toward the world of comic books (actually, the industry itself, to be specific), I went through my options and went with what would be best for everyone involved. It wasn’t an easy decision to make and it has been something that I’ve been wrestling with for a couple of months. But, I’ve decided that a break from writing about the subject would be probably the best thing that I could do.

But, dry those eyes; the end of this column doesn’t mean that I’ll be leaving this cyber plane any time in the near future. As time permits, I plan on still posting (albeit a little more frequently) on my official site and also on my page on MySpace. So, hopefully, you all can come by and say “Hi” when the urge strikes you.

So, to put a black ribbon on this closing ceremony, let me send some gratitude to the following people/groups/organizations/etc.:

To Mr. Kevin Smith ““ for sinking some of his vast fortune into a site that was a running gag in one of his movies just so schlubs like me can feel better about writing utter nonsense and have it treated like a respectable piece of quasi-journalism.

To Ryall ““ the one who “made” me. Seriously, thanks for giving me the initial opportunity to come here to the bastard offspring of the View Askewinverse and to still keep in touch even as he’s beginning his second stage of dominating the comic book landscape (which will still be denied until his master plan removes variant covers from the face of the Earth).

To Ming ““ for being rock solid and helping out whenever I asked a stupid question, which was more times than I care to remember.

To UncaScroogeMcD ““ for keeping the home fires burning with QSE. Keep the faith, man.

To the MPS/QSE board members (Ozchick, JJ, Fanny, JK, Zens, By-Tor, Robbo, TK, DbleA, Phit, Ratm, Bamms, RB, Jason B, and the gang) ““ thanks for welcoming me in without too many reservations and for allowing me to hang out on the best board on the Internets.

To all of the pros (like Keith Giffen, Ross Ritchie from Boom Studios, Larry Young from AiT/Planet Lar, Wes Molebash, Steve Rolston, Chris Pitzer from AdHouse Books) that I’ve met through this column ““ thanks for the free merch and for the words of encouragement.

To my lifers, Eddie C and Chet K ““ thanks for hanging in there when no one else did. I’ll always remember that.

To the readers of Preachin’ from the Longbox ““ words can’t totally express the gratefulness that I have for each and everyone of y’all out there in the sea of the Net so I won’t even try other than say, “Thanks”.

Finally, to my wife, Teresa, and my two kids, Brady and Chloe – being in my corner during this two-year, non-paying, stay-up-real-late-at-night run at being a pontificator of all things comics for a pop-culture website. Sure, it wasn’t all that easy. But not one of you voiced your complaints. Well, at least not about this stuff. I’ll make it up to you all. Promise.

So, with all that being said, it’s time to close up shop and bid adieu for now. With a heavy sigh, here, for the last time at this residence, are my parting words:

Don’t forget to keep your bags and boards together and your continuity straight.

Hope to see you around,

-britt

This week’s sermon – “Winnah, Winnah, Chicken Diner”

October 9, 2006

In last month’s column, I challenged you loyal PftL readers (as well as those opportunistic whores that just like to win free stuff) to come up with a superhero team based on Marvel Universe characters-only. Listed below are the ones (in no particular order) that, for one reason or another, did not make the grade along with the usual insipid comments about each team from yours truly.

###

Gary from Minnesota goes for a self-described “second stringers” draft with the team living out of the Windy City, using Lila Cheney’s rock star money for backing and calling themselves “ShaodwFlight”:

Kitty Pride (Shadowcat) ““ The hardest person to come up with was a team leader. Most people who would make a good team leader are probably going to get snatched up right away (Captain America, Iron Man, Cyclops, Storm, Reed Richards, even Wasp). So I went with someone, who’s a little young, but has demonstrated leadership ability. She’s been trained by the best, she’s incredibly smart, proved her mettle, and did I mention she’s cute as a button? She helped form “Excalibur”, and she kept the team together despite some lackadaisical stories. But give her, her old blue costume with the mask. That was cool.

Emma Frost ““ You have a character who’s been around the block. She has incredible psi-powers, and she’s not afraid to get her hands dirty. Very good addition

Talisman (Daughter of Michael TwoYoungmen) ““ Elisabeth brings that sorcery vibe that every team needs. But don’t get her when she doesn’t have any emotions. Get her later on in the series. She’s a little more powerful, and she isn’t confined to Canada. Plus, that costume was hot.

Strong Guy ““ Hey the name implies everything. He’s uber strong, and he brings a much needed sense of levity to the group. Plus, the shades are hip. Trying my darndest to stay away from mutants for the last two team members.

Puck ““ Yeah, he’s short, and he can do cartwheels at people. But imagine if Strong Guy used him for a fastball special. Plus, he’s going to be the grounded guy. The guy that holds this team together. Not only that, but he doesn’t take up a lot of room when they’re traveling. Good for those people who need the leg room.

Tigra ““ You always need that one character who’s walking a little close to the edge. Greer Nelson fits that bill. Tigra is my sixth member. She can work in a team environment, and she’s got her teams back(so she might lose it at any moment). Having a supportive team leader (Shadowcat), and a really strong mentor (Puck), she’d be able to make it. Plus, she can smell your fear, and she looks darn great in that outfit.

PftL’s Take: Well, Gary, I liked the name of the team and for using Kitty as a team leader (a role that she held when leading Warren Ellis-produced X-Men). But it just seemed more like an offshoot of the X-Men universe. It not a bad team; just not all that different than what is out there now.

###

Here’s a team drafted by John in Florida with the moniker of “The Replacements” (sounds familiar):

Longshot (Leader) – Everybody’s favorite 3 fingered, lucky, X-Men wannabe would the leader for my team. He definitely has leadership skills, considering the rebellions against Mojo that he’s led several times, but he’s flawed too…mindwipes can do that to you. Plus, if Longshot is involved, Mojo works either as an enemy or an awkward Ally (Longshot leading his own super-team? RATINGS!)

Beast – No, this isn’t an X-Men thing. The fact of the matter is though is that Beast is simply brilliant. He’s one of the most gifted minds in the Marvel Universe, and with his wide areas of expertise, specifically with science and technology, he’d be a valuable asset to any team. Plus he’s a veteran of the superteam structure, (Being a member of various X-teams AND the Avengers). So I’m snatchin him up while the snatchin is good. He’s definitely 2nd in command and all-around Jack of All Trades material. Specifically, I’d prefer the Avengers era Beast with Blue fur but still mostly ape-like in appearance…I’m not diggin’ the cat thing.

Toxin (Patrick Mulligan) – The fact that he’s the offspring of Carnage will contribute to the overall bada$$ factor of the team. Toxin also has that wet-behind the ears protoge thing going on too as well as that deep angsty feeling of moral ambiguity and trying to control the inner beast that is the symbiote. Wolverine eat your heart out.

Nico Minoru (of the Runaways) – She’s young, she’s cynical, she’s magic. What’s not to like? Magic: when it’s on your side is never a bad thing and the “Staff of One’ is a neat little artifact. There might be some tension here, since she doesn’t really fit the classic “hero” archtype and is annoyed by people who do (check out Young Avengers and Runaways #2 if you need proof). But I think she could be persuaded by Longshot’s charm.

Echo – With photographic reflexes, Echo has the adaptation feature on her side. Plus as has been demonstrated in New Avengers, Echo has serious infiltration skills that could be put to use. Just supply her with lots and lots of file footage and she’s good to go.

Rom The Spaceknight – We have the token alien and backup tech head here. His nifty little tools and ability to stow things in a pocket dimension help, not to mention his super strength, invulnerability and big friggin’ lazer would make Rom a serious heavy hitter and clean up man.

PftL’s Take: John, I dug your inclusion of ROM (who never seems to get his proper respect for his Sci-Fi contributions to comics in the 80s/90s) and the attempt to turn Toxin into a force for good on this team. However, with the one-trick player that is Nico, the team does drop a little. And that drop is just enough to make a difference.

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Dewey from the Quaker State gives his draft picks then explains his team’s name (This team is about stealth, with many different specialties here. I know the “undercover ops” superhero concept is getting a little stale, but this team is well-equipped to handle just about anything: espionage, supernatural threats, and scientific curiosities, in addition to any supervillain shenanigans. Note the motif for the majority of the team, and take another look at the team name. Where are the Wild Things? Right here baby.):

Black Widow (Natasha Romanov): The original Black Widow is our team leader. She has been a soldier, a spy, a superhero. Bonus points for being the hottest redhead in comics, and Trinity before there was anything called a “matrix.” (Just ask Bryan Hitch.) She has been on many teams, and is apparently worthy of being a “Mighty” Avenger when this whole Civil War shakes out. Natasha has been a valued compatriot of both Daredevil and Captain America. For her costume, there is no other choice but the full black spandex with gold gauntlets. Did I mention she is my favorite comic book character of all time?

The Falcon: Every team needs a quality flier, and with his newly updated wing system he is modern, and kick-ass. (Though I have a soft spot for the 70’s costume–heck, I had the action figure!) You’ve got surveillance, you’ve got air power, you’ve got a real “bird of prey.” There’s a reason why Captain America trusts him with his life. There can be no higher recommendation.

Diamondback: Let’s fulfill our “villain as a hero” quotient right here. And hey, look at that, she has ties to Captain America! Her story has gotten incredibly convoluted, but take the classic Gruenwald era character, and do a Geoff Johns-style reboot on her, and she is ready to take her place on this team.

The Lizard: OK, another “villain as a hero.” Curt Conners is a scientist, so he would lend knowledge to this team (every team needs that geek who can go all “CSI” for them. Or, if you want a little more old-school–Giles.) And when the chips are down, he can become the savage Lizard. Might be due for a little Peter David rewrite where Conners finds some way to merge his intellect with the Lizard–but not all the way. (Yeah, I had this action figure, too.)

Paladin: Sure, he’s got a goofy costume (or is it so out-there, it is actually cool?) But he’s a crack shot, and every team that does not have an archer should have a gunslinger. This one’s my guy.

Jennifer Kale: It is good to have a mystic on your team, and if you are a Steve Gerber fan, you can’t go wrong with Kale. Besides, the team is nicely balanced, and I dare you to find a hotter bunch than this one!

Team Mascot: Howard the Duck. No, I am not cheating by putting in a mascot. No, he is not a seventh member. Sigh. Whatever. He has been a survivor, battled all kinds of menaces martial and supernatural, and his origin is tied into the Nexus of All Realities. If you considered this a pitch, you might see where some of this is going for stories…

PftL’s Take: I liked the pick of Wendy the Good Little Witch (Jennifer Kale). And you’re right on Paladin’s costume. But this team lacks some brute strength and physical toughness. Gotta have someone who will just roll up their sleeves, barge in and mix it up with anyone. Outside of that, this team is a good one.

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New Jersey’s own Adam J. offers his team named “The Pliskin Six”:

The Thing – One of Marvel’s iconic characters is sure to go in the first two rounds. I figure my team needs a tank, but one that is a little more dependable than the Hulk, or of better record than someone like Rhino. Also, this is a public team, so I can’t think of a better person to earn the public’s trust (BTW- I’m with Iron Man). The ever-loving blue eyed Thing will never leave a fallen comrade, is about as brave as anyone in the Marvel U, and is stronger than just about anyone. His years of experience working in a team atmosphere also make him a solid first rounder. Also has a catchphrase.

Iceman – Probably drafted a tad too high, but his popularity will more than likely have rushed him, and he’s someone I just need to have on my team. Ice sliding makes him the equivalent of a speedster. He also can covertly disable security systems with his sub zero temperatures should a mission call for it. His ability to see heat signatures also helps in stealth missions. Like Grimm, has mucho team experience. Most importantly though, he’s an Omega level mutant, which means almost unlimited power.

Exodus – A forgotten product of the 1990’s, Exodus is a solid sleeper pick at the third round. He’s near invulnerable, can fly, produce various psionic energies, and can even bring the dead back to life. He has shown himself capable of simultaneously:

1) Amplifying Genoshan mutates’ hatred of humans;
2) Crushing Genosha via a massive force field;
3) Immobilising (sic) Quicksilver, the Scarlet Witch, Crystal and Jean Grey in another force field;
4) Protecting himself from attacks; and,
5) Dealing out massive amounts of damage to both the X-Men and the Avengers. Bad Ass.

Multiple Man – One man army. Any and all physical contact creates a duplicate, so he really can’t be stopped. Near unlimited intelligence due to the fact that he frequently (sic) sends duplicates into the world to learn various skills he can reassimilate. Has worked for the government before, so he will be a welcome addition in the new, post Civil War Marvel.

Black Widow (Natasha Romanov)(Team Captain) – The woman’s a pro. I figure she’d fall this low to her lack of “powers” but there are few tactitians (sic), combat fighters, stealth, and beautiful characters in all of comics. She’s been a member of S.H.I.E.L.D for God knows how long, and was the right hand lady of Nick Fury for most of her tenure. Also, has ties with Iceman from their Champions Days together, has worked with a Jaime Madrox dupe in S.H.I.E.L.D., and worked with Grimm after the Secret War debacle. It’s her time to lead. Anytime you can get a team captain at #5 means that it’s a good pick. She also has Avengers ties to the last member of the team”¦

Mr. Immortal – So he’s a Great Lakes Avenger (or Great Lakes X-Man, or Great Lakes Champion, or whatever it is their called now). The dude can’t die. Ever. And he’s a homo-superior. What more could you want?

Exodus is the one wild card of this team. I’m unsure how well he would work not being the team letter. That’s part of the reason I stacked this team with so many mutants. Some similar genes may ease him into the team. Widow isn’t so headstrong and self absorbed where she’d be a “my way or the highway” type leader. She would assess everyone’s attributes and come up with the most rational plan available.

PftL’s Take: Adam, good pick with the Thing ““ not many people go for Ben Grimm when picking a team. However, Mr. Immortal is very similar to Nico of the Runaways as far as having one power and not a very solid one. And I would think that the eventual downfall of the team would be at the hands of Exodus. Here’s a choice selection from Marvel Universe’s bio on the guy:

“”¦Exodus has displayed a fragile psyche, as well as a fundamental disregard for the lives of regular humans”¦ Presumed to be one of the most powerful mutants on Earth, Exodus’ mental instability and lack of morals make him an unpredictable, extremely dangerous individual.”

Yikes, he has too much Mike Tyson in his character for my tastes.

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Here’s J.A. from Connecticut with his team and subsequent justification (My concept is for a group of individuals who can work well together, but have versatile power sets that allow each member to play multiple roles as needed.):

Team Leader ““ The Multiple Man: Jamie Madrox ““ Why the leader? He’s cutting his teeth as a leader in the new X-Factor books, and seems to be doing well despite some personal insecurity. Why him in general? His powers are versatile, often under-estimated, and always used creatively. Jamie tends to fill a support role to other team mates in a fight, but his powers come in very handy when information gathering in the field.

Psylocke: Betsy Braddock (The British, Pre Ninja, armored X-men version) ““ Betsy has experience as the temporary leader of Excaliber. As such, she makes an excellent second in command. Her telepathy can provide vital information to teammates quickly, and while armored she is a capable support fighter.

The Invisible Woman: Sue Richards ““ Long established as a team player, I’d imagine Sue would get along even better when not taking orders from her husband while in the field. Her powers are an excellent blend of offensive and defensive, and she can fill either role in a pinch.

Speedball: Robert Baldwin ““ He’s personable and also a well established team player from his time with the New Warriors. Like Sue, his powers are both defensive and offensive, but more importantly they are unexpected by most super-villains.

Box: Richard Bochs ““ He’s intelligent enough to construct a robot, which would make him the brains of the team. While controlling his robot, he becomes the strong man of the group, and gains the supplemental powers of flight and various sensory equipment. I’ll take brains and brawn in one package any day.

Warlock: (New Mutants Era) ““ Warlock’s metamorphic powers by nature can adapt to numerous situations. I like the New Mutants version because he’s much more of an innocent (which will offset some of Madrox’s brooding) and (in my humble opinion) displays greater loyalty to his teammates.

PftL’s Take: The Roger Bochs pick was a deft one. But with the number of X-Men/Alpha Flight members on the team, the team suffers from a lack of an identity.

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Corey T. from sunny FLA submits his team:

Mr. Fantastic (Team Leader): Going for consistency using the same first pick I did last year. It seems to me that, the arguably smartest man in the Marvel Universe should be the team leader. Not only is he a master strategist, but his ability to train other heroes in the use of their powers is unparalleled.

Doctor Strange: OK, it might be claim this is too powerful of a character or too big of name to be claiming for a second pick. But if anyone read one issue of any Defenders comics, it should be obvious that this man should never lead a team. But Strange isn’t just here for power, but more to give the team the necessary knowledge and resources to deal with magical threats. The one of the only weak spots in Reed Richards abilities.

Iceman: We got a glimpse of the true extent of Iceman’s powers when Emma Frost took over his body, but lately he’s been showing us even more.

Winter Soldier (Bucky): So, I can’t take Captain America. Alright, I’ll take the man’s backup. Sure, he might be a wild card due to mental issues, but there’s no denying his abilities.

Cloak: It was between a teleporter or a speedster and Marvel seems to have more of the former than the latter. As cool as Nightcrawler is, for the 5th pick it had to be Cloak. This is fine by me, though. He is a great mass teleporter, despite the discomfort of his passengers.

Victor Mancha: OK, so he just got shredded in the Young Avengers/Runaways Civil War Special, but that’s why a teenager is not a team leader. He got shredded due to arrogance. It’s already been shown how super hero obsessed he is. Amongst this crowd, I don’t think arrogance is going to be an issue. Not to mention, he has Reed Richards to point out that Shield has dealt with both Magneto and Polaris so they probably have weapons for super folks with magnetic control. Besides from trying to justify this pick despite the character recent injuries, he is also a creation of Ultron with the power one would expect Ultron to provide. On top of this, the potential of his magnetic powers, as well as his secondary abilities, have just begun to be tapped.

PftL’s Take: Ya know, I almost picked Cloak for my team so, of course, I dig that pick. The same goes for the doctor. As for the others, ehh. I’m just not feeling it, dog. Again, half of the team is X-Men derived. Two is okay but three is a bit too much.

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Kasey from Utah goes for the classic old-school style with his team, aptly named “The Dudes In Red Tights”:

Leader ““ Daredevil. Despite the theme I thought it would be best to have at least one legitimate hero. Daredevil is the only member of the team who I actually know something about.

Red Guardian ““ Since I was looking for red tights, I found this guy first and was immediately intrigued and impressed. A communist Captain America for the Soviets. A close ally of Stalin. I figure now that the dream of communism has withered to a mere whisper in the Cuban coastal winds, this guy would be looking for work (something he wouldn’t have to do if communism were still popular). Bitter, disillusioned and desperate, Red Guardian could be the obligatory cynical naysayer of the Dudes In Red Tights team.

Hellion ““ The team needed mind powers and this guy fit the bill with his telekinesis. He also seems like a good candidate to go off on his own and get into trouble, something every team needs.

Crimson Crusader ““ CC is actually pretty damn powerful. Control gravity? Hells yeah! Unfortunately, he is powerless without his sister Pandora around. Too bad she doesn’t have red tights stretched over a manly package or she could’ve been on the team too. Alas, without her, he supplies the “˜Aquaman’ role on the team.

Rocket Racer ““ This is by far my favorite member of the team. A skateboard riding brother from the seventies. He doesn’t have super strength, or psychic ability or any of that crap, he shoots motherf***in’ rockets! Out of his wrists. And he rides a skateboard thing too. That is freakin’ badass. I envision Rocket Racer as the reliable backbone of the team who doesn’t need to upstage anybody else.

PftL’s Take: Kasey, there’s some good stuff here. But, as you mention in your write-up, Crimson Crusader is, essentially, useless unless his sis is backing him up; eerily similar to the Wonder Twins. And since there’s only five members, The Dudes in Red Tights are a little light in those tights.

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Aaron from across the pond in Ireland sends in his my ideal team-up since I was about 12 (albeit with a few minor changes) with the team name of “The New York Knights”:

1) Daredevil (Matthew Murdock) – Not only has this character been consistently at the top of the “great reads” list for the last couple of years but he has also stayed very clear of super hero groups. A trait which while character driven, annoyed the hell out of me. I’ve always thought he would make a fantastic reluctant leader and with his strict vision for justice and morality has the back-bone to be a believable one. And also, less we forget his very cool outfit…

2) Luke Cage – Long time close friend of Daredevil and long time bad-ass also. It would be more than easy to believe Luke would follow DD into the gates of hell, if not just for loyalty but for the love of handing out some ass-whoopin. One of the only (to my mind) legitimately “street” characters in the Marvel Universe and finally getting his due on the Avengers run. His personality works great in a team environment as he’s just that little bit different from every other “hero”.

3) Iceman (Bobby Drake) – I’ll be honest, I have loved this boy from the day I was born. Remember the “Spiderman and Friends” TV series from the early 80s? My favourite show as a child. I’ve stayed loyal to him despite him being pretty much over-looked in x-men history. This is one of the originals folks! Fuck Cable, where’s Bobby Drake? He’s well adverse to team-environments (so much so that you can play 5 degrees of separation with him and his other team members far too easily), already New York based and with powers growing by the issue along with a new frosty demeanor (god I love puns) to go with it.

4) Archangel (Warren Worthington III) – A character who, when you look into his history, had been tormented from the word go. Never had an easy break as far as personal (and physical) life goes but was blessed with inheriting a fortune. He’s also an original x-man with Iceman who in recent years has been slightly forgotten The possible ‘cash’ behind the group or the teams ‘iron-man’, depending on how you want to look at it. Easy competition for leader of the group. Either way, an obviously solid addition to the team but also gives the advantage of having the wonderful payoff of having both an Angel and a Devil in the team

5) Hawkeye (Clint Barton) – Recently deceased, but when has that stopped a comic-book character before? I love the idea of having a non-super powered hero in a team. It always leaves room for jealousy and over-compensation. But it also adds an element of weaponry, something that is always forgotten about when it’s usually a big bruising punch-up. What kid doesn’t love cool gadgets? Hawkeye had the lot A huge amount of experience with the Avengers, but can he handle life without Cap and Stark? The token outsider to the group. That pointy mask has got to go though…

6) Black Cat (Felicia Hardy) – The “hot-piece-of-ass” in the group but don’t let looks deceive you, this girl can hold her own. She is often placed as the fun loving, reformed bad-girl in the Marvel Universe, but don’t forget folks, her decent into the costume world started because she was date-raped in college. Heavy stuff. A worthy counter-balance to Spiderman (and also her anchor to the group through his friendship to DD) she would be integral element to the team dynamic With her ability to “affect probability fields” aswell, she would add a nice bit of comic-book cheese if the writer saw fit. (Such a stupid power, but fantastically absurd at the same time)

PftL’s Take: Double A, this one was solid. However, the balance just seems off. I would actually expect to see this lineup in a Defenders-style comic. Not that it’s a bad thing but it’s somewhat bland.

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Michael from our friends in the Great White North offers two groups. The first one is called “Hell Hath Nick Fury”:
1. Thor (Simonson era) – Thor provides both power and passion. I don’t believe there’s anyone in the MU that can realistically go toe-to-toe with him (with the exception of Odin, but let’s not go there). I also don’t believe there’s anyone in comicdom that can go toe-to-toe with him (Superman be damned).

2. Nick Fury (mid-90s) – The leader. He brings smarts, tactics, and gadgets. What more do you need?

3. Doctor Strange – Mystic and psychic power — a lot of mystic and psychic power. Welcome aboard, Doc.

4. Invisible Woman – Stealth and hotness. Both vital.

5. Blade – Sheer brutality on a day-to-day basis. Also, what if the team happens to run into vampires?

6. Speedball – Speed, balls, and comic relief.

PftL’s Take: Hey, it’s a shout-out pick for Blade, which is surprising since the movies did so well. Outside of that pick, the rest are decent; just too blah, I guess. And who would’ve thought that that irrepressible Speedball would get selected more than once? Not me, that’s for sure.

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Michael also submitted the first all-villain group named “Doom and Gloom”:
1. Doctor Doom — Not the stupid movie version. He’s the leader. The kickass ruler of Latveria. One of the few villains that could get a team together and keep them together through brains, cash, and force of personality.

2. Juggernaut — The muscle. Nuff said.

3. Mystique — Shapeshifting is both cool and useful. She’s also got a wicked mean streak.

4. Scarlet Witch (Brotherhood) — Brings the psychic pain.

5. Deadpool — Because assassins are cool.

6. Quicksilver (Brotherhood) — Fills the need for speed. Also, it’s nice to keep siblings together.

PftL’s Take: Honestly, this team, outside of Deadpool, is the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, plain and simple. It could’ve been better, really.

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Jesse from The West Coast also sent two teams in for the contest. The first one is called “The All-New and Improved West Coast Defenders”:

#1 Captain America (leader) (setting: current) ““ My first pick, and leader, is Captain America. Captain America has led not only the Avengers, but often takes a leadership role when the MU is gathered against an overwhelming force (Secret Wars, the Infinity Gauntlet saga, and Operation Galactic Storm all come to mind). Guys like Thor and Hercules respect and follow his command. He takes the time to train and improve the members of his team, both as individuals and as a unit. Having Cap lead a team may be a clichéd, but it is so for a reason.

#2 Beta-Ray Bill (setting: current) ““ A warrior’s heart, a hammer with the powers of Mjolnir, and now stranded on Earth, Beta Ray Bill is my second pick for this team. Loyal and brave Bill is a hero that serves to strengthen any team. In the larger team dynamic Bill, fills the role of both the heavy hitter, and a defense against both mystic and cosmic foes.

#3 Clea Strange (setting: 70s/80s) ““ Heroes join together in order to face those threats that no single hero can withstand. In the MU, there are often strange visitors from distant dimensions who come to conqueror reality. Every team needs a mystic to face such opponents. With my third pick I have chosen Clea Strange. Every bit the accomplished mystic as her husband, but sadly often ignored and even unknown by current fans, Clea is both a warrior and a nurturer who will compliment and support this team both on and off the field.

#4 Beast (setting: early 90s) ““ My fourth pick is the one and only Hank McCoy. Blue, furry, and non-cat like, Hank McCoy. Granted everyone has a preference as to what Beast should look like. But I chose this era of his career not only for the way he looked, but the way he acted as well. I chose the version of Beast who would just as soon make a joke and cause trouble as bust out a 37 word sentence to answer if he wanted take-out for dinner that night. Every team needs a comedian to keep things light during tense situations. Hank has a brilliant mind, is a proven fighter, and as already mentioned will serve to keep the spirits of the team high.

#5 Franklin Richards (setting: early 90s) ““ Most readers know Franklin from his series of Calvin and Hobbes knock offs. However, there was a time when the first born of Marvel’s First Family, had power to spare. Any kid that can create entire dimensions (all be it a dimension where everyone has misshapen feet), would be a welcomed addition to any team. Obviously, his age and inexperience in the field serve as detractors to his inclusion on the team; however I believe that the tutelage and care of Clea would provide the guidance needed for Franklin to come in to his own as a hero. The watchful and nurturing eye of Clea would also help to elevate the doubts and concern that Sue would have in placing her child in such a dangerous situation.

#6 Mockingbird (setting 80s) (I am assuming since we are allowed to choose the era of our characters, we can choose an era from before they died (heck, if Bucky can make it back from the dead”¦) ) ““ Mrs. Barbara “Bobbi” Morse Barton aka Mockingbird is the last pick for my team. Since she is technically dead, I felt that she was safe to save for the last pick; however she is far from the weakest member of the team. Bobbi has been trained as a spy and in the art of hand to hand combatant. Both of these skills will be helpful to the All-New Defenders. She has served on teams in the past, and knows what it takes to work alongside others.

PftL’s Take: This team is solid from top to bottom, except for little Richards. I remember that he has some sort of god-level powers (just try to forget “Heroes Reborn”. I dare you). But for me, he nicks this team ever so slightly to knock from the top spot.

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Comprised of mainly supporting characters is the genesis for the name of Jesse’s second team ““ “The 8 Page Back-Ups”:

This team consists of misfits, and heroes who are for one reason or another out of sync with the world in which they live. I found that looking for heroes that fit the “person out of time” mold, many came from the world of Captain America. I suppose that shouldn’t be a surprise. Choosing mostly supporting characters, lead to the creation of the team’s name. Each of these heroes have served in supporting roles in various places around the MU. Now is there time to shine as individuals and as a team.

#1 Nick Fury (leader) (setting: 70s and 80s) ““ The Nick Fury I have chosen to lead this team is the gruff yet lovable, Nick Fury of days gone by. With his ever present cigar, and his habit of calling those under him “Goldbricks”, Nick is a season veteran of both domestic and foreign wars. He knows when to push his team, and when to give them their space. He is comfortable staying behind to monitor and lead missions, but is willing and able to enter the fray and mix it up with the bad guys. Nick lives as a man who is way past his prime and should have long been forced into retirement due to failing health. However, thanks to regular doses of the Infinity Formula, he continues to fight the good fight. As a man out of time in his own right, he will be able to relate to the others on his team.

#2 Winter Solider (Bucky Barnes) (setting: current) ““ The Winter Solider is a highly trained spy, combatant, and sniper. Bucky has worked solo and in team settings. He fought in WWII, and is now only the physical age of a twenty-something. He is currently working with Fury, so we know that the two of them can work together. He is a perfect fit for this team.

#3 Spitfire (setting: current) ““ Jacqueline is trained at combat, has worked in team settings, and also can serve as the team’s speedster. Once again, she is a WWII alum who is currently in the body of a twenty-something. She has worked with both Bucky and Fury in the past. Both of these elements make her yet another perfect fit for the 8 Page Back-Ups.

#4 Lockjaw (setting: 80s) ““ There is not a bigger misfit in the MU. Part of a team deemed as “inhuman” with a base relegated to Earth’s moon, Lockjaw would fit nicely into a team of outcasts. Ok, so the above is stretching it a bit, and the current status quo is that Lockjaw is nothing but a big old dog, so why would I want him on the team? I choose to think of the characterization of Lockjaw that was given to us by the infamous John Bryne, the Lockjaw who could speak, but seldom chose to. I know there were objections to Lockjaw being that intelligent compared to the way he was treated by the Inhumans, but I never saw that as a problem. Sure they didn’t speak to him much, but he isn’t exactly a conversationalist. And if his dinner was served in a bowl away from the family, that doesn’t meant they were disrespecting Lockjaw. Rather they were giving him his dignity. His anatomy doesn’t allow him to sit at a table with the rest of the royal family, and no doubt having (again due to his physical make-up) to eat from a bowl is not a pleasant or dignified experience. Allowing him to do so away from everyone else actually bestows dignity on him. Lockjaw knows what it means to be an outcast that is why he has befriended Ben Grimm. I say we return him to that characterization of intelligent, noble, and yet silent. So now that he belongs on the team, can he aid in the field? I would think his strength coupled with his power of teleportation would come in handy, and more than fill this need.

#5 Doughboy (setting: late 80s/early 90s) ““ The Doughboy I have chosen for this team is the one that is rid of the Primis persona. He is simply a pliable creature ready to serve his current master. His loyalty and his shape shifting abilities would know doubt help the team in combat and on missions. Not to mention is there not a bigger outcast than someone who is basically a giant blob of barley sentiment play-dough.

#6 Valeria Richards (setting: 2027 – Again I am pushing “the choose the era” rule here) What I mean by 2027 (is that given the MU that is currently published and set in 2006) in 2027 Valeria will be roughly 22 years old. Plus we all know that at some point there will be another future story, or a way to age Valeria to adulthood, cause FF and time travel are like Pirates and Bluebeard.) ““ Valeria Richards (the current toddler and second child of Reed and Sue for those of you keeping track at home) all grown-up (prematurely matured and/or brought to the present from the past) is the final member of this team. Granted, she hasn’t shown any powers yet, but she no doubt possesses them. Just look at her parents. Speaking of possession, Valeria also has whatever latent powers that were put in her as she is the familiar spirit of Doctor Doom. In fact the betrayer in our midst (and controlled by Dr. Doom) is a great twist for any happy little family and team. Valeria much older than she should be and/or out of time, betrays the team, then its found out to be Doom all along, and the team works to have her feel accepted, and keep her on in the team. That is my sixth, and needlessly complicated final pick for my team the 8 Page Back-Ups.

PftL’s Take: I commend the Lockjaw pick since that creature is probably the coolest dog in all of comics ““ even ahead of Krypto. But, yeah, the Valeria pick is a leap since there has not been any documented (read scripted) history on her character as an adult. Plus, if you’re going to commit to a theme team of back page heroes, you really can’t justify someone who had his own title.

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Well, who did win? Well, while the entry pool was considerably less than it was last year, this year was still hard to decide who the winner would be. After tossing and turning over it for a couple of days and making cases for all of the submissions, there was just one that caught my eye just a smidge more than the others.

So, congrats to JR from Parts Unknown and his winning entry:

Photon (Leader) ““ That’s right. Monica Rambeau. Why, you ask? Well, there’s plenty of reason. She used to lead the Avengers. She currently leads Nextwave, or whatever that weird Ellis team is called. (I wouldn’t know, I’m not reading that book.) She’s got a military background. She’s got a pretty cool looking costume. But most importantly: She’s probably one of the fastest characters in the Marvel Universe. At top speed, she’s moving at the speed of light. That’s to the sun and back in sixteen minutes. She can be pretty much anywhere on the planet before you can even think about calling her. Add in her leading experience and you’ve got an extremely valuable player.

Doc Sampson ““ Every team needs a strong guy, and Sampson’s traded blows with the Hulk. That’s a good recommendation. Also, he’s a doctor. I’m not sure in what anymore, but he is a doctor, and any kind of booksmarts comes in handy. Just give him his suit with the lightning bolt and something to keep his hair in place so he can grow it longer and we’ve got our tanker!

Karnak ““ This Inhuman’s underrated, in my opinion. If you use him right, he’s tactical perfection. The ability to find the weakest point in something and how to break it is painfully useful. Pair him up with Doc Sampson and have him tell the Doctor where to hit. It’s a match made in heaven! Plus, his connections with the Inhumans Royal Family don’t hurt.

Equinox, the Thermodynamic Man ““ I’d have trouble trying to think of a more obscure character. He popped up two or three times in Marvel Team-Up, if you’re interested. Basically, he’s got control over both fire and ice. It’s like having the Human Torch and Iceman in one crazy-go-nuts shell with horns for some reason! But for serious, he’s about as strong as Spider-Man (not awe-inspiring in the Marvel U, but it’s something) and has some elemental control. Sure, he’s a villain, but you can throw one of those Suicide Squad collars on him, or whatever the Marvel version is. He’s powerless now, but we’re allowed to futz with the time period, so let’s have him at the peak of his powers, in that issue of MTU with Yellowjacket.

Unus the Untouchable ““ Every team needs a mutant. Why not Unus? He’s an ex-con with nothing to lose, and force fields to project. The entire team runs into the battle, light beams flying, fire and ice going every which way, but they need a few seconds to observe the situation. Keep Unus close, within a tight enough proximity that he can cover everyone with a shield, and move as quickly as possible to where they need to be. He’s a powerful support member who can also assist in combat, via force field-shoving. Oh, and as for the time period I want for him: the not-dead one, and also the not-crazy one. Here’s hoping there’s some overlap.

Longshot ““ All right, we’ve got a leader who can turn into light. We’ve got two strong guys, one who can control half the elements. We’ve got a tactical genius. We’ve got shielding. Now, all we need is a little bit of luck. That’s where Longshot comes in. He can use his lucky powers to shove the forces of fate into the team’s hands. Plus, he’s a pretty good fighter and acrobat, so he can assist in combat without a problem.

PftL’s Take: As I looked over all of the picks, this one kept coming back to me. It’s a very solid and tough team. There are some questions ““ the capability of being team players by both of the villains being the obvious one. But having Photon as the leader was great and seeing guys like Doc Sampson (very underrated) and Karnak picked really filled out the team. If Ellis or Benids wrote a one-shot of this one, I would be the first in line.

###

Thanks to everyone who took the time to submit a team this year. It was really appreciated.

Well, I’m off the Longbox this week. Come back next week for the final edition of Preachin’ from the Longbox. Until then, don’t forget to keep you bags and boards together and your continuity straight.

-britt

This Week’s Sermon – “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”

September 5, 2006

“It’s the hap-happiest season of all,
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings,
When friends come to call,
It’s the hap- happiest season of all”

Andy Williams, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”

No, it’s not the thought of the upcoming snowy winter days now that fall is around the corner or even the beginning of the school year that has me humming this little ditty over and over in my noggin.  It’s the return of a column favorite of mine.

Last year, I had a jonesin’ for combining one of my long-time passions, comic books, with another albeit more recent one, fantasy football.  And before your ask – Yes, I don’t really have a life but I’ve already come to terms with that fact so let’s move on.

Now, last year, I was huge and offered a team that crossed all publishing companies; both big and relatively small.  This year, things will be a little different.  I wanted to scale down a bit and focus in on only one company’s cast of characters.  But the hard choice was which one I wanted to choose for this year.

I was initially leaning towards DC since I grew up on most of their stuff until I hit my early teens.  I’ve always thought that DC had the more top-line heroes and villains.  But when you think about it, DC’s high character depth is somewhat limited.  I mean, outside of even the second tier people like Nightwing, Tempest, Deadshot, Black Manta, and Blockbuster, you really have to think, which sometimes I’m not a fan of doing as my column proves.

Next, I looked at Image’s roster.  And while they initially started out as a super-hero company (does anyone remember “Brigade” ““ I try not to and yet, I still do.  Thanks Marat), they went away from it for some time and only are just now coming back to it.  And plus, in the early days, most of the characters were just bad rip-offs of characters and/or ideas that existed in the Big Two (outside of a couple characters like Spawn and Savage Dragon).

You know which one was left ““ The House of Ideas, otherwise known as Marvel.  It was my teenage years when I first started reading titles like “Uncanny X-Men”, “Avengers”, “Ghost Rider”, “Fantastic Four” and the rest that the House that Stan, Steve, Jack and the best Bullpen around built.  And yet with that history, I haven’t been as loyal to them as I have DC.  I can’t explain why.  The reason could’ve been as simplistic like when I first started back reading comics, Marvel was in the middle of a creative dearth.  Or it could just have been Bill Jemas’ fault.

Because my knowledge of Marvel is somewhat limited to be generous, I was still on the fence on using them for this year’s draft. Then, “Civil War” happened.  Then the shipping delays followed and my decision was made for me.  I had to come to Marvel’s rescue; if for no other reason than to give the Zombies a reason to talk about something other than a calendar.

Alright, I’ve explained enough.  Here’s the PftL Fantasy Superhero Draft Rules and Guidelines for 2006:

• Teams can only consist of six members (known as “The Legion of Super-Heroes Decree” ““ basically, if you have to ask for a group roll call every time a crisis arises, you should definitely consider scaling back your team.)
• You can only use characters that exist solely within the Marvel Universe.  That means no Ultimate, MAX, Marvel 2099, Epic, or Icon titles, people.  Not that I’m knocking those other imprints but I’m a purist at heart.  Also, since there is only one company, you can draft heroes and villains.  I’ll even allow you to designate the time-period for the character.  Say for instance that you would like to use Yellowjacket back when he was first introduced a bad-ass in Avengers #59 instead of when he was a nutjob in the mid 80’s.  Yes, yes, I am the most gracious commissioner that you will ever know in your lifetime.
• Be realistic in making your picks. For your set of reference, “realistic” is defined as trying to create a team that doesn’t have too many of the company’s most powerful or even iconic figures.  If I can be brutally honest with you for a sec, it’s too easy to cherry pick those tried-and-true characters like Spider-Man, Iron Man, Wolverine, and Captain America to be on your team.  When you come right down to it, any comic featuring said type of super-heroes would make for a boring read, in my humble opinion (and no, that’s not a veiled reference to “New Avengers”.  Why would you ask?).  Also, don’t forget that as part of the “realism” (if such a word can be used in the context of “drafting” super-heroes), you must recognize that there would be other “owners” that would be participating in said draft.  So if you select Captain America in the Round One, there would be a sure bet that Iron Man wouldn’t last to your next selection in Round Two.
• A team leader must be specified within in your picks.  A superhero team must have a leader or they would just be called the Great Lakes Avengers. But having too many leaders is probably not a good idea either since
• And the best thing about this draft ““ there’s no real way to keep score outside of creating some sort of HeroClix/Magic: The Gathering-style scoring system.  And if you’re into that kinda stuff, you would be pasty, afraid of bright lights, and forever locked away in your mother’s basement playing and not expanding your mind by reading this column.

As always, have fun with the draft and try to be as original as you see fit.  Believe me when I say that most of the fun about fantasy games is not in the winning per se but in the drafting.  Also, the bragging rights and money comes in a very close second.  

The team that I would draft would be called The Twin Cities Replacements:

 

 

1. Captain Marvel (Genis-Vell) ““ Team Captain 

I want to say that this selection is for the character that was inexistence during the initial Peter David/CrissCross run before U-Decide turned the test tube baby of Mar-Vell turned loony.  Prior that that fateful debacle by Jemas, Genis-Vell was like a guy who was trying to find his way as a superhero but had all of the powers cosmic that his father possessed.  Later in the run, he began to display some leadership skills albeit through the assistance of the guy who he was bonded to – Rick Jones, the permanent whipping boy of Marvel U.  Get this, not only is Jones responsible for Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk but he had to sacrifice himself just so reality wouldn’t implode on itself.  If that wasn’t enough, his wife at the time, Marlo, almost did a Ross Geller to him ““ with Moondragon.  When your wife comes close to changing teams with a six-foot bald headed psionic woman, you’ve got to wonder what more could the writers at Marvel do to him other than change him into a Giant Turtle?  This selection of Captain Marvel would be the one with Jones bonded to him and I would make him the team captain since two heads, even if one is as messed up as Rick Jones’ is, has to be better than one.  

 

 

2. Captain America (Isaiah Bradley)

Now, he’s more known for his grandson, The Patriot, but other than The Truth: Red, White & Black mini, what is known about Isiah’s time as Captain America.  While he may not be as polished as Steve Rogers could be at the same time in his career, Bradley would have the super-solider serum in his system, almost the same equipment, and he looked pretty bad ass in the revised uni.  My only reservation with this selection is that he more than likely would have a hard time taking orders from Genis-Vell but I’m willing to take that risk.

 

3. Joseph (Magneto Clone)

While I wanted to get a villain that was formerly a hero with this pick, I just couldn’t find one that I liked.  That is until I remember a lame X-Men storyline that had a Magneto-clone called Joseph and I figured that was good enough.  Joseph is like getting all the magnetic powers of Magnus Lehnsherr but without the baggage.  And as cool as Magneto could be, he wouldn’t play second fiddle to anyone, he would be a disruptive force within the team and he would only do things that would benefit him unlike Joseph who would do anything that would be asked of him; kinda like the lovesick and desperate Ericka on “Big Brother All-Stars”.  Except that Joseph wouldn’t walk around the team HQ with a pillow under his shirt and saying that Mike Boogie will be the father of the child.  Hey, Ericka, if a nickname like “Boogie” for a guy in his mid-30s doesn’t tell you to stay away, girl, you deserve what you get.

 

4. Marvel Girl (Rachel Summers)

If you want a good telepath on your team, you’ve got to go the best of the best as far as breeding grounds, which is up in Westchester, NY at the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning.  I figured that most of the real good ones like Professor X, Jean Grey, and Psylocke would’ve been taken by now.  So, the offspring of an alternate timeline version of Scott Summers and Jean Grey can most definitely fit the slot.  Plus, she still has the link to Phoenix Force, so she can be a heavy hitter in case the team needs her.

 

5. Ant-Man (Scott Lang)

A size changer is almost like a speedster in the regards that they can be found everywhere.  Their powers are good for espionage and surprise attacks so getting one would be a good selection at the five spot.  Luckily, for me, that in the Marvel Universe, Pym Particles rule so you can find more than a few heroes that fit this requirement.  And at pick #5, Pym and his wife have probably left the board so I’ll go for the guy who replaced Pym in the Ant-Man suit and who is presently taking a dirt nap.  Before he was axed, Scott Lang was a decent third tier superhero; a little bit bland but he was a good teammate.  It’s just too bad that he didn’t get the same treatment that Luke Cage got with the whole Avengers reboot.  But, on the bright side, he got some from Jessica Jones before he kicked the bucket.  If you’re going to go out, at least he got to hit it before he could quit it.  (Really, I’ve been watching too many episodes of “Big Brother”.)

 

6. Scarlet Spider (Ben Reilly)

I decided to save this last pick for the most infamous replacement in all of Marvel lore.  Everyone remembers certain landmarks in Spider-Man history ““ how he got his powers, the death of Gwen Stacy, and the Black Symbiote Costume.  But if you mention the name Ben Reilly to a Spider fan, you would think that all of those pale in comparison to the outrage that the whole Spider-Clone saga gets.  Sure, the plot was flawed in everyway and the series has been identified as a case study in what not to do with one of the most iconic characters in comics.  I mean, the clone could do the same things as Peter Parker and his powers were even better when you consider that Venom had no effect on his spider-sense.  But now, he’s known for giving his new Spidey costume to Spider-Girl.  Even still, while the Ben Reilly/Scarlet Spider name can bring up the most hatred and venomous words from the diehards fanboys, I still like the style and look of the only ghetto Spider-Man.  I may be the only one but I think that Ghetto Spidey looks way better than the new Iron Spidey that out there presently, which in a few years will probably make its way to the MC2 universe.
 

So, there’s my team.  Do you think that you have it in you to do better?  So good that you can actually win something?  Well – do ya, punk?  Then what are you waiting for?  Start drafting.  Here’s the legal mumbo jumbo:

 

The Preachin’ from the Longbox Fantasy Superhero Team Contest Rules:

• Follow the PftL Fantasy Superhero Guidelines that were stated previously in this column.
• Create your own team and submit your Marvel-flavored superhero lineup along with your physical mailing address to The 2006 PftL Draft HQ. (You can just send your superhero list only or you can add your reasoning as I have above.  Although from what was submitted last time, the reasoning brings that much more to the table, if you know what I’m saying.)
• Contest deadline is September 30th, 2006 at 11:59.59 PM PST. Only two entries per person. The winner will be notified by Sunday, October 1st, 2006. The winner’s name will be included with the October 2nd edition of “Preachin’ from the Longbox”. Anyone is eligible to enter this contest (including the boss).  The winner will be determined by a panel of one (yours truly) by reviewing the entry’s originality, overall team build and variety of characters used.

The winner will receive the following haphazard cavalcade of prizes:

• One (1) Micronauts Acroyear Figure (Devil’s Due Publishing Exclusive)
• One (1) Sky Strike Batman Figure
• One (1) Gen13 Fairchild Figure (Another Universe.com Exclusive)
• Issues #1-4 of Micronauts (Image) plus ’02 Micronauts Convention Special & Micronauts Mini-poster
• One (1) Batman: Dark Legends TPB
• One (1) Batman/Deadman HC by James Robinson and John Estes
• One (1) Savage Dragon: A Force To Be Reckoned With HC 1^st Printing Signed & Numbered Edition (#550/1000)
• Assorted Posters from the PftL Climate-Controlled Prize Vault

(Damn, that’s a ton of stuff”¦)

As was the case last year, the October 2^nd column will be one that is totally devoted to the entries that I would consider have some merit or are just too funny for me not to include.  So, send early and send often.  Actually, only send two but in my household, more than once for me is considered often.

And in case you missed it last time, here’s the link that will take you to the Preachin’ from the Longbox archives.  As the saying goes, “If you haven’t read it, it’s new to you.”

— ### —

A breaking PftL Update

I just got this email on Labor Day morning and thought that I would pass it along.  ACTOR – A Commitment To Our Roots, a non-profit organization that helps out comic creators from days past with medicals bills and with some financial support in an aspect that could be considered almost like a pension.  It’s a very noble cause and I try to support these causes since these guys are not benefitting from any type of ownership of the characters that they helped to create. 

Well, it seems that ACTOR has decided to change their name to The Hero Initiative.  While the loss of a cool acronym may affect the group’s identity initially, the change needs to happen since the organization’s golas are to help comics professionals, not those crazy Scientologists masked as Hollywood thespians.  (Or as Mel “A Few Too Many” Gibson would call them… Ah well, nevermind.)  Personally, I would compare this change somewhat similar to a change that happened in one of my fantasy football leagues - the name maybe new but the mission is still the same.  Okay, maybe they’re not totally compatible but you get the picture.

I’m off the Longbox this week. I’ll leave with the images of new logos for The Hero Initiative.  Remember, don’t forget to keep your bags and boards together and your continuity straight. Until next time”¦

-britt

 

 

 

 

 

This Week’s Sermon – “You’ve Got the Look”

August 14, 2006

A common thread that has been persuasive throughout most of the past PftL columns is the devilish way that I have compared Marvel’s choices of their character-licensed products and the sexual decisions of a drunken Tara Reid on the E! Channel.   Basically, any guy in the bar/club will get a chance with her.   And I’m not exaggerating.  If you don’t believe me, watch an episode of Taradise and try to tell me with a straight face that she’s not looking for a poke-her party with the locals at the very least. 

I’m also not kidding about Marvel either.  Some choice Marvel-licensed products include such winners like those Wahl Haircut Kits, the never-imitated, never-duplicated Super Lithos (their website has been off-line for some time due to an unspecified reason ““ hmm, I wonder why?) and those wonderful half-dollar coins (coins + super-heroes = lame).  I won’t begin to mention their highly sketchy relationships with Dynamic Forces (and their huckster HSN showcases) and Wizard Entertainment (who have somehow become Marvel’s exclusive convention provider).  Now, I realize that there are some Zombies living in this world that will buy tons of merch that is Marvel Comics-related.  (Although, I’m not so biased that I wouldn’t miss out on picking up a low-grade Mjolnir on the cheap for $10 at Amazon.com.)  But when you’re dropping some decent paper on a Captain America-endorsed haircut gizmo, you will buy almost anything.  And that you really don’t care about your physical appearance.

(Speaking about buying crap, is it me or have hard times hit both entertainment stalwarts, Huey Lewis and Sally Fields?  Within a span of a day, I saw Mr. “I Need A New Drug” pushing TimeLife’s “Superstars of the 80s” CD compilations while the old Ma Gump was pushing some calcium supplement called Boniva.  Don’t get me wrong; I would take that endorsement money in a heartbeat.  But these two should have enough dough in the bank so they wouldn’t have to resort to hocking crap in informercial-lite commercials.  It’s truly sad.  Alright, back to the column”¦)

And I was content with keeping that opinion.  That was until I saw something that caught my eye that would be a perfect item for me to give it the always-tough PftL product quality test.

With the help of moneymaking movies like Superman Returns, the X-Men and Spider-Man franchise, the market for comic book apparel for adults seems to be blowing up.  Okay, that might be an overstatement but it looks that way in my closet.  And nothing feels better in the Metro Washington DC, 110-degree 100% humidity hotter-than-hell summer than flip-flops, cargo shorts and a slick superhero t-shirt.

But, in those very same max A/C, fry-an-egg-on-the-sidewalk summers, that T usually turns into a wet and heavy cotton rag.  Aside from the noxious stench that you might be perpetrating with that shirt, sweating that much doesn’t look all that cool unless you’re strugg-a-ling to run on a 10-minute mile on the old treadmill.  And unfortunately, if you’re a single guy and that shirt has a screen print of Superman or Spider-Man, odds are that those muscle-bound heroes in colorful tights is not going to win too many points with the opposite sex; even if you’re married.  Take it from me, folks.

Now, before I go any further, let me be frank with you guys (and gals).  I’ve got way too many t-shirts.  There’s enough of them to make my wife tell me that I’d better start thinning them out myself or she’ll do it for me (with disastrous consequences, at least my imagination leads me to believe).  So, as my piles of finely woven 100% cotton tees slowly dwindle, I needed to find a way to increase my t-shirt collection on the sly.

Then, I found this site called PureHero.com.  If this is the first time that you’re hearing about this site, then an introduction is needed.  Here’s where they’re coming from pulled right off their website:

We, here at PureHero, believe that superhero fans want and deserve more than the same old tee-shirt. We design premium performance apparel that reflects our love for superheroes, using the best sports designs. Whether playing classic or extreme sports, gaming, or just studying physics like Peter Parker, you’ll love our product ““ how it feels, how it works, how it looks.

Now, that’s saying something.  But is there truth in their claim of providing premium performance apparel for the superhero fan?  Or it is just the usual internet hype?  I posed those questions to myself when I decided to put one of their more popular products, the Punisher Performance Technical Crew Top, through the PftL quality apparel and situational test.

So, with pen, paper and clipboard in hand ala Dr. Rudy Wells, I started grading how the t-shirt performed in certain “stressful” functions to see how the shirt’s ability to wick away sweat worked.  But first, here were my initial impressions of the shirt when I received it in the mail.

The Packaging ““ The shirt was polybagged, which give a good understanding that they know their clientele.  Ripping that bag open was somewhat cathartic.  That being said, it wouldn’t surprise me that CBG will decide to start slabbing these shirts in order to drive up the secondary market.

The Look ““ The skull logo looks sharp.  It’s high quality rubberized gray with a silver metallic trim, which does look better on the shirt than a stark white one in person.  No tired, ghetto-style silk-screening process here.  The Punisher script on the back neck is a nice touch.  The shirt’s color is just that ““ a straight up, dark as night black; not a lighter shade or heather.  A red Marvel tag on the right side reminds me of a certain jeans company but more in homage way than anything else.

The Feel ““ The shirt’s weave is buttery soft and feels nice against the skin.  Depending on the size ordered, it can be as tight as those Under Armour Compression shirts or as loose as a regular tee. (In case you were wondering, I’m went with the latter.  I realize that my body may resemble the Comic Book Guy more than I’d care to admit.)

So, after the shirt passed the initial part of this consumer report testing, it was time for the field work.

Scenario #1 ““ Rather than get right out there and push the limits of the shirt (stop laughing), I decided to go slow and ramp up the testing.  I broke out the shirt for an impromptu evening screening of Clerks 2 in humid Florida.  I thought that it was a good initial foray into a social gathering among some likeminded friends.  I got a couple of favorable comments on the shirt and there was no outright guffawing by the other patrons of the gigaplex.  And while I wasn’t sweating in the nice air-conditioned theater, the shirt didn’t hamper my ability to laugh my ass off.  So, based on those results, the shirt passed the first test.  But there were two more to come.

Scenario #2 ““ The next time I wore the shirt, it was to my mother-in-law’s birthday party.  Now, before you say that this is not a test, let me explain a couple of things to you.  First off, my mother-in-law does not like to hang out inside ““ no matter how hot it is on the outside.  I’ve got nothing against hanging out on the porch but when the temps are almost hitting the century mark, I’m looking for AC, plain and simple.  But at her house, she still likes the inside to be around 80 degrees Fahrenheit.  Let’s just say that I wasn’t drowning in my own sweat while I was there, but the shirt did get some work.  The shirt did get a little damp from sweat but it dried within minutes and I actually survived the party without dying from heatstroke.  I don’t know about you but that would definitely get a pass in my book.  On to the third and last test”¦

Scenario #3 ““ To prevent that image in the mirror to become more and more like that Android’s Dungeon guy, I decided at the beginning of the year to drop a few pounds.  And thus began my love-to-hate exercise affair.  Unfortunately, a new job has prevented me from working out at lunch so I’ve fallen off the exercise wagon for the time being.  However, since I wanted to test the shirt out, I decided to go out and shoot some raindrops at the work hoop.  At noon during the hottest, damn day in the Metro Washington DC area.  Yeah, I’m not the smartest guy around but you should’ve known that by now.  After a few minutes, the shirt was getting a heavy dose of the wet stuff.  And it was working great as the material was in the process of getting drenched; it dried relatively quickly for that kind of output.  The one slight knock on the shirt is not really on the shirt itself but in the style.  It would’ve been great to get a sleeveless shirt for sports the require full range motion of the arms like basketball or those 12-ounce curls in front of the teevee.  Though, after all was said and done on the blacktop, I left the court like I usually did back in the day ““ exhausted and limping.  But unlike most of those other times, my shirt didn’t look like it was partying down in Fort Lauderdale during Spring Break.  Really, no one needs to see that.

Overall ““ This Punisher Performance Technical Crew Top is a great item and is moving into top rotation in my t-shirt wearing schedule.  It has the science behind it for the active lifestyle but has the panache of a slacker counter jockey.    Again, the only knock that I have is that I want a sleeveless version of the crew shirt so I can dominate on the glass while getting a more complete farmer’s tan.  Truthfully, this shirt should be considered a cross-training shirt; you can wear it from couch to court without looking like a schlub.  I can’t recommend it enough.

To that end, the very generous people at PureHero.com have given my peeps (that’s you guys – my loyal readers) a sweet deal just for reading this column.  Check it out below:

Remember, it only lasts until the middle of September so buy it like you stole it, people.

The PftL Inbox

Fellow Big Planet loyalist Adam J writes:

As much as I love Robert DeLeo, I must say, I doubt Army of Anyone will sell many records.  And this is coming from someone who loved the Talk Show record.  Is this “supergroup’s” (and let’s be honest, anything involving David Lee Roth’s backing band can’t be that super) album even out?

PftL:  Adam, it’s great to hear that there’s someone else who really dug that Talk Show CD, a very underrated effort by the three non-smacked out members of STP and some English guy.  And you’re right; the AoA CD is not out yet.  But a guy can hold out some hope for it do actually be good, right?  And yeah, having a former DLR bandmate doesn’t sound all that super.

Deadpool and Plastic man would be bad ass though.  What about a Madrox/Booster Gold team up…?

PftL:  A Madrox/Booster Gold team-up would be a solid book.  I could see someone well-versed in wordplay like Robert Kirkman writing it with some left field artist like Jim Mahfood or Doug Mahnke drawing the one-shot.  And I could see it sell pretty well.  But as well as Army of Anyone?  Ehh, maybe or maybe not.  How do you like that for decisiveness? 

— ### —

Co-chair of the PftL regular emailers’ club, Chet K, chimes in about coming to grips with being an “out” nerd:

Just a note to let you know the harmful effects of this nerd stigma.  I have long wished to attend comic con, but I have so feared the stigma of being labled an uber-nerd that I have never even contemplated actually going.  Now, I am “out” with my close friends and family.  They know about my closet Star Wars trivia addiction as well as my unsightly bouts of utter lunatic excitement that accompanies every new superhero movie and cartoon.  However, as far as my co-workers and other professional contacts might know I could be a die hard Nascar fan, albeit without the requisite mullet. 

PftL:  Hey, Chet, my man, watch the NASCAR fan comments.  I’m a card-carrying member of that club.  And for your information, not all of us have mullets.  (Although I do rock the “all business in the front, nothing but a party in the back” cut, which I cut with my officially licensed Marvel Haircut Clippers by Wahl, and have my old El Camino on blocks in the front yard).  But that’s beside the point.

Now, in my opinion, the biggest roadblock to nerd-dom becoming an accepted social condition is the nerd on nerd hate”¦A house divided cannot stand.  Nerds must unite and accept one another before we can expect anyone, especially journalists (who are barely sentient anyway) to accept us.  Solidarity brothers (and very few sisters)!

PftL:  There’s a ring of truth in that statement.  I can’t stand that other fans of more niche stuff like Trekkies, LARPers or even Civil War Re-enactors try to come off as better when they put down another group of fans by calling them “nerds”.  And yet, there’s nothing better than making fun of my Trekkie boss by saying that “Voyager” was the best Trek series around when it’s clearly should be “Deep Space 9″.  Gets him every time.

— ### —

The wrap-up

First, I’ve changed ISP providers, which means that I have a new mailing address. Just click on my name and you’ll get the new addy. So, make with the clicky-clicky and send some email to yours truly so you can get in this column..

Second, if you’re a new reader and would like to read some of the archived Preachin’ from the Longbox and laugh at my earlier attempts at writing a column or if you just want to relive some good times, just click below and it’ll take you there:

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I’m off the Longbox this week. Don’t forget to keep your bags and boards together and your continuity straight. Until next time”¦

-britt

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week’s Sermon – “Right In Two”

August 1, 2006

The 2006 Summer Con has officially started out with a bang. Last weekend (just in case you’ve been rendered into a short-term memory amnesiac), San Diego Comic-Con, also known as “Nerd Prom” from some of the mainstream media, was in full swing at the same time as a motion picture sequel of an 90s indie flick directed by some auteur hit the theaters.

(By the way, don’t think that I didn’t notice that the pot-calling-the-kettle-black irony of the whole “Nerd Prom” label. Believe it or not, most of those old high school newspaper people who were just as gawky and yes, even nerdy as comic book fanboys and fangirls. Really freaking hilarious. I mean, isn’t the original part-time job of Peter Parker, nerd boy extraordinaire, that of a newspaper photographer? Stan the Man was maybe a great writer but he didn’t just come up with that vocation on his own.)

But rather than delve into the past (meaning re-hash everything that has been said about this year’s SDCC), I’d rather turn my gaze to the next stop on the summer comic book convention season, which would be WizWorld Chicago.

As I think about the so-called nerds invading the Windy City, I remember something coming out of that show a couple of years back. You might remember it since I gave a quick shout-out to it during my now-classic Top Comic Book Soundtracks column.

In his own panel, Brian Michael Bendis brought out this idea of having a Batman/Daredevil one-shot crossover; quite possibly in hopes of eliciting a massive reader uproar that it would force the hands of both Marvel and DC to patch up their bitter rivalry (at least for the time it would take to write, draw and publish said one-shot).

Well, if you’re wondering what happened, then you haven’t been following the politics of comics that closely. The possibility of any type of joint DC/Marvel cross-publication was thoroughly squashed by Paul Levitz. No ifs, ands, or buts. And you can plainly see that it has been status quo ever since. DC’s “Infinite Crisis” begat Marvel’s “House of M” which begat “52” which begat “Civil War”; each one trying to top the other in both units sold and number of monthly comic books affect by these company-wide crossovers. (I would mention “Identity Disc” as part of that equation but it ended up being just a figurative jab at DC’s “Identity Crisis” and a pretty pathetic one at that.)

Again, as always with these corporate fights, the real losers are the consumers. While the public reception for the D.G. Chichester/Scott McDaniel “Daredevil and Batman” of the late 90s (prior to this most recent embargo) was somewhat mixed, there’s no doubt how the fans would’ve clamored to see Bendis and Oeming’s take on the team-up.

So, instead of waiting until the comic industry’s version of the Cold War to thaw out, I’ve decided to honor BMB’s actions two years ago by offering what I think would be great Marvel/DC cross-publisher team-ups that would no possible way of seeing the light of day. Just consider the sub-byline of this column to be “The Theater of the Preacher’s Mind”.

 (Of course, what would a PftL column be without a few disclaimers: 1 ““ there is no order in the team-up sequences; these ideas are represented as they came out of my brain. Yes, it is very tragic. 2 ““ the creative teams do not take into account current exclusivity contracts. Yes, this is my world and you should thank me for being a part of it. And 3 ““ if any one of these ideas see print, I’m laying claim to some residuals that should come my way. That last one is just a lame attempt into deriving some income from this column. Like I said before, these team-up won’t possibly happen.)

With that outta the way, here are:

PftL’s Five Marvel/DC Team-Ups that will never happen

 

 

Batman/Daredevil
Creative Team: Brian Michael Bendis/Jim Lee
How the Team-Up Happens: Matt Murdock is called to Gotham to represent Two-Face, which royally pisses Batman off to the point of confronting Murdock to let him know that he’ll keep his eye on him. Misunderstandings and fisticuffs commence.
Why the Team-Up/Creative Team: Well, I can’t really have a column at all without giving some props to this potential cash cow. And like I said before, even though this team-up has been done before (to some extent), you would almost bet the farm (or at the very least a couple of your offspring) that this book, in these guys’ capable hands would blow up big time. Daredevil’s catholic guilt-laden crusade against the violence in Hell’s Kitchen is very similar to the Dark Knight’s one in Gotham (without the religious overtures and the influx of young sidekicks respectively). Creatively, Bendis knows his way around the crime drama genre about as well as anyone out there; reading his take on these two brothers from different mothers would be a treat. And I shouldn’t have to explain Jim Lee’s selection for art duties but suffice it to say that with his relatively recent change in pencil drawing technique, his characters seem to be more fluid than his old Marvel/Image days. Then again, I’m more than biased towards the man’s body of work. So, he can do no wrong as far as I’m concerned.

 

Doom Patrol/Fantastic Four
Creative Team: Keith Giffen/J.M. DeMatteis/Kevin Maguire
How the Team-Up Happens: The Doom Patrol is thrown into the Phantom Zone and is pulled to the Baxter Building by the FF as part of the exploration of a Weird Negative Zone phenomenon
Why the Team-Up/Creative Teams: With this creative team, they’ve done wonders for such teams like the Justice League International and the Defenders. So, instead of going to the well a second time (or third for the JLI), I would love to see them mine comedy gold from the first family of Marvel and the oddballs of the DCU. Let’s face it ““ a team-up featuring the Torch and the Thing bickering at each other with Reed’s pained expressions in the background played up against Robotman and Beast Boy clashing at every turn would make for a pretty good read; especially when you consider Maguire’s talent for realistic facial expressions. Plus, I would love hearing such snide remarks about the obvious comparisons between both the X-Men and Challengers of the Unknown. This one may have to be at least a two-parter.

 

 

Deadpool/Plastic Man
Creative Team: Gail Simone/Ed McGuinness
How the Team-Up Happens: Deadpool is contracted out to assassinate Eel O’Brien (a.k.a. Plastic Man) and wackiness ensues
Why the Team Up/Creative Team: This selection is also caught up with the funnies. I have to concede that this one (as well as the FF/DP team-up) is probably an unconscious decision on my part due to all of the grim and ultra-serious superhero books that are out right now. Besides, who wouldn’t love to read this story? First, it’ll be written by Simone, who was criminally overlooked when she wrote DP the series was given the axe. Then, team her up with Deadpool fan fav McGuinness, whose hybrid Manga/traditional animation, bigger than life action scenes flavor are uniquely his own. A mix that would result in the comic industry getting a one-shot that would sell as well as Supernova’s first CD. Okay, I’m kidding ““ I would guarantee that it would sell better than this supposed “supergroup”. Now if you’re talking Army of Anyone, then all bets are off.

 

 

Adam Strange/Nova
Creative Team: Alexandro Jodorowsky/Juan Gimenez
How the Team-Up Happens: Adam Strange is on his usual Zeta Beam journey to Rann until the Thanagarians, using technology devised by Sardath, diverts Strange to the Marvel Universe where he bumps into Nova.
Why the Team-Up/Creative Team: In the past couple of years, both publishers have gone back to some of their sci-fi pulp roots with some degree of success. So, it would make sense to capitalize on this trend by getting a couple of their hot-tempered space heroes in a by the book, classic mix-up team-up. However, if these creators were to be used, the book would be thrown out the window.

Jodorowsky is a renowned writer over on the other side of the Atlantic (ya know, in the place where comics gets their collective respect as a viable artistic medium) and has been on point with the tragic, poignant, over-the-top “Metabarons”. (By the way, if you haven’t read at least the first trade, you are doing yourself a great disservice. Plus, you can get extra cool points with your capes-and-tights friends by showing them the light. As always, I’m here to provide a service as well as entertain.)

The artist on “Metabarons”, Gimenez, knows how to draw anything that would be considered futuristic but in such a way that it looks very plausible ““ from guns to space ships to naked alien hoes. Plus he can do humor as his “Leo Roa” series can attest. And how these guys roll, I would love to see this one-shot be the only one to get both a Marvel MAX and DC Vertigo stamp.

 

 

Dr. Strange/Zatanna
Creative Team: Michael Avon Oeming/Neil Vokes
How the Team-Up Happens: A flux in the Marvel Universe’s magik realm created by the dreaded Dormammu sends Dr. Strange spiraling towards the DCU and a meeting with Zatanna to help him get back to his proper home but not without clashing on magic’s best practices.
Why the Team-Up/Creative Team: Of all of the mystics that abound at both Marvel and their Distinguished Competition, I usually gravitate towards these two. Strange is always played to be so bohemian which appeals to my interests in Eastern Philosophy. Plus, he always has the best incantations like Dread Dormammu, Hosts of Hoggoth, All-Seeing Agamotto, and Vishanti just to name a few. Then, you have Zatanna, the fanboy’s veritable wet dream all wrapped up in fishnets, a man’s tuxedo shirt, and top hat. Very nice. Then you have her backwards delivery of her enchantments, which lends to her uniqueness. It’s the Zen-like mystic meeting the Vegas performer. Let’s face it – these two are meant to cross paths at some point.

As for the creative teams, I feel that Oeming is becoming known for his writing than his artwork; a tough act to do considering his tremendous work on Powers and Hammer of the Gods. But after reading some of his Thor work (and HotG), I’m sure that he can prove that he more than a one-trick Norse pony. Or would that be steed? Then you have Mr. Vokes who has been in the biz for some time but his name never seems to come up in regards to fan popularity, which I don’t get. His line work is tight and his action scenes are solid enough that he almost never has to revert to an overuse of splash pages (a crutch used by many successful artists in this Modern Age ““ Mr. Lee included). If you take into account that Vokes never got his chance with his Dr. Strange pitch due to change in publishing focus (more X-titles, less everything else), he kinda deserves another shot. If you have doubts on this selection, just go check out Parliament of Justice. You won’t be disappointed and you’ll be able to see that I’m so in the right with this last selection.

Now, I might be as loony as Mel Gibson on a serious bender but I can’t for the life of me figure out why DC and Marvel won’t make a way to get these books done. I mean, we, as the buyers of comics, should be the driving force in making the decisions on what books to publish. And right now, everyone is trying to streamline their universes while still trying to cover any available shelf space with as many issues as possible. However, that’s not good enough, at least for me. Right now, I’m not just talking about stopping this insane need for Dc and Marvel to make all of their books into one big company crossover. They can do that all they want since I’m not buying most of them. I’m talking about making our collective voices heard by saying we want these cross-publisher team-ups. Comics should be a place where creativity flows freely and allows ideas to come to fruition. Right now, it’s not. And that’s as sad as hearing that Eddie Van Halen has been reduced to scoring instrumentals for porn. I guess he’s gotta pay for his alimony and child support somehow and since VH is basically down the tubes, sleepwalking through a Joe Satriani/Steve Vai rip-off is about what he’s been reduced to doing. But this career turn suddenly gives a whole new meaning to “Ain`t Talkin` `Bout Love”, doesn’t it?

Alright, I’m off the Longbox this week. Tune in on August 14th as I will be doing something that I’ve never done in this column before in an all-new special. Until then, keep your bags & boards together and your continuity straight.

-britt

 

 

 

This week’s sermon – “Failure to Launch”

07/10/06 

Greetings, my fellow readers of the sequential arts. 

This column may not speak directly to you but I humbly request that you, the reader, will come along for a ride as I’ve decided to offer some topical insight into the whole comic book business. 

So, let me just start with a few questions: 

Have you ever felt despondent when a comic book publisher announces that they’ve decided to cancel your favorite title due to lack of sales?

Or, have you felt angry when a comic book that your store has devoted time and energy into developing a loyal and buying readership only to see said title get the figurative axe?

Or, is your name Dan Slott, who has given both DC and Marvel such money titles like Arkham Asylum: Living Hell and She-Hulk only to see the same companies kill such winners like Manhunter and The Thing, respectively?

Believe me when I say that I understand your collective pain.  Ya see, I’ve got something that should resolve all of those problems.  Yes, even yours, Dan.  But, before I unveil my intellectual creation, I want to explain the events that lead up to this point where I can offer anyone (yes, even you out there in the teeming Blogville universe) the methods to apply my simple techniques into a big-time winning comic book publisher.  Dying to know, aren’t ya?

It all began a couple of weeks ago when a couple of questions started to kick around in my expansive cranium.  I had just heard about the cancellation of one of my regular monthly titles.  The question was – Why couldn’t this title garner enough readers in order to avoid meeting the business end of the bean counter’s executioner’s blade?  Can all of the blame rest at the creators’ collective feet?  Or were there other factors involved that led to a seemingly good title’s demise?  To me, questions like these cry out to be answered so other generations of quality books can avoid the same fate. 

Like I stated above, the mitigating factor in the increasing cancellation rate of comic books are based on the lack of units sold.  Due to the boom/bust of the early 90s, most comic companies don’t have the luxury of letting a low-selling title gain a big cult following over a sustained length of time anymore.  If you can’t pull the minimum number of units every month (otherwise known as the Chuck Austen Line), your run will be shorter than Johnny Fairplay’s stay on Fear Factor – Reality TV All-Stars.  As the saying goes, it’s not personal; bidnez is just that – bidnez.  

(To tell you the truth, the last book that I can even remember that grew an grass-roots audience was “Powers”.  And even then that book had a ton of things going its way like it was part of Image’s foray back into super-hero comics, the fact that it was heavily acclaimed by the critics and since it was Brian Michael Bendis’ first consequential Big Three book, he plugged the hell out of it.  Really, if he’s like publicity gold for comic books.  No joke; the man is a PR company’s wet dream.) 

Back to the hard sell.  So, what can be done to save these well-liked but never bought comics, you ask?  Well, I’m glad you did.  

This column is being used as a springboard for my patent-pending production model that will revolutionize comic book publishing as we know it (as well as make me into an infomercial force on late night TV).   

It’s called the Trifecta Paradigm System (copyright also pending) and it goes a little something like this.  

There are three major players in making a good comic book into a successful and profitable product – the publisher, the distributor, and the retail/hobby shop owners.  All three parts need to work in concert in order to gain financial freedom. And with the purchase of the Trifecta Paradigm System (or TPS), they can make money hand over fist time and time again without fail. 

Now, I hear all of the doubters out there now saying things like: 

“Doesn’t this sound too good to be true?”Â 
“How can you promise something like this?”
“This guy is so full of it!”Â 

My answers to those questions would be as follows:

“Sure.”
“I’m like Fed-Ex, my man.  I’m not just promising; I’m delivering world-wide.”
“Why do you think that my initials are BS?”Â 

For those others that are still interested, I’ll give you a little taste for free but like your neighborhood drug dealers (or AOL/MSN service providers), the rest is gonna cost you. 

For example, one of the cogs in the comic book machine is the publisher.  Their job is to make the book as cheap as possible while not sacrificing the quality of the book.  However, if the publisher wants to keep their bottom line on production low, why are so many of them making more than one cover?  Variant covers are one of the biggest money pits/scams that is being perpetuated today.  Not only does the publisher have to put out additional bills for the printing and packaging of the different cover, there’s the cost for the cover artists.  Not to mention the possible extra cost of handling said variant differently than the “regular” comics.  Sure, an argument can be made for the scarcity of the books making the book in demand.  However, that is just and artificial attempt in making the book seem “buzz”-worthy.  And just like any product that gives you an artificial buzz, the impending crash can be devastating.  (Being in more meetings that humanly possible, I’ve been on both sides of that mid-morning sugar crash ““ not fun.) 

Another job that is the responsibility of the publisher is the number of units produced.  Sure, the initial cost for printing a comic book is relatively high but why must publishers short their print run?  Printing an additional 20K-30K can be had at a very discounted price so the only reason is that it is just another method of creating an artificial “buzz” on a book due to its limited availability.  Again, most readers will see through that bull crap and playing tricks on your readers won’t make them your readers for much longer. 

So, how can you show these companies, some who are mega-billion dollar corporations with their Harvard-educated presidents of Publishing, the proper and most profitable method of making comic books.  Well, that’s relatively easy.  All you have to do is”¦Â 

Now, do you want to read more of this valuable insight from one of the leading minds in comic book excellence?  Before you ask the price, here’s what you get: 

• A five-CD detailing each of the three parts of the Trifecta Paradigm System
• A 100-page workbook to help determine where you, the reader, fit into the TPS
• A 30-minute phone card with a personal number for yours truly; consider it a personal counseling session with the Preacher hisself
• An 8″x10″ autographed Glamour Shot of the Preacher suitable for framing
• The official TPS diagram that reducing all of the knowledge gleamed from the materials into a simple and easy-to-follow diagram

Now, how much would you pay?  $500?  $400?

Since you are a loyal reader of Preachin’ from the Longbox, I’m prepared to offer you this wonderful package of comic book business knowledge for three easy payments of $99 pkus $14.50 Shipping and Handling.

But this offer is only good for the next 15 minutes after reading this column.  Don’t delay; act NOW!

Or you will continue see books that you love go the editorial chopping block and they won’t come back, people.  It’s either that or you can do the unthinkable ““ tell everyone that you know (and even some people that you don’t) about these books that are really perfect examples of how wonderful the comic book medium really is.  And then, just maybe only then, will books like “The Thing” avoid the possibility of becoming the comic books’ next version of Marie Antoinette.  

The PftL Mailbox
 

PftL lifer Eddie C writes: 

“Glad to see your back on the new site. I was worried for a moment that the column was discontinued. Anyway, what happened to the ’email the author’ links at the end of the columns? It was a lot easier, but I’m not complaining.”
 
PftL:  That should be taken care of by this column but thanks for keeping me in your address book. 

“Based on your review of ‘The Batman,’ I think I’ll give it another chance. Only saw a couple episodes from the first season, but I wasn’t too impressed. Didn’t like their version of The Joker at all. He seemed too different from any previous incarnation of The Joker I’d gotten use too (especially B:TAS, but I wasn’t trying to compare it solely to that). Just seemed inconsistent with any other version of the Joker (comics, TV) I ever liked.” 

PftL:  I think that’s the one thing that drew me to the series.  Joker is a wacked-out nutjob.  So, why does he always have to be so nattily attired in a green and purple suit?  Other characters can be redesigned like Scarecrow, Catwoman ““ hell even Robin without a major upheaval by the comic community, so why not Clown Prince of Crime?  Plus he’s supposed to be crazy and if you ever see that one weird smelly guy in the street who talks to himself about his new alien masters, he probably doesn’t have shoes either.
 
“Also, didn’t Bane turn out to be his friend from the police force (voiced by ‘Practice’ actor Steve Harris, can’t remember the character’s name) or did I miss something. Is that how it happened in the comic or was that way off?” 

PftL: Actually that was the Clayface character and again, I like the origin change as well as making it a different person than the comics since it added some pathos to the villain plus gave a Batman more of a personal attachment to his crusade.
 
“Anyway, the stories weren’t too bad (I saw an interesting Catwoman episode, although the plot was all-too familiar) and I’m not against the idea of seeing a different version of Batman. I mean, hey, isn’t that what Frank Miller gave us in his stories and what we saw in the new (and much improved) “Batman Begins” (which of course was inspired in part by Miller’s Year One story). When you think about it, the character has changed so much over the years, so there really is no definitive version of Batman. Different writers and artists bring something new to the character, interpreting him in their own way (well, the good ones at least). That’s what keeps these characters so fresh over so many years. You have to bring something new to the character, while adhering to what’s come before. That is part and parcel to comics, so any true comic fan looking at ‘The Batman’ shouldn’t expect a retread of B:TAS. I agree, they should keep their minds open at least. There are writers who come and go on comic books and some have a deep impact on the character, but you don’t stop reading the book when your favorite writer leaves, do you? Well maybe, but eventually you come back if you like the character enough.” 

PftL: You’re right about the ebb and flow of the superfluous stuff around a character.  I guess that I don’t understand how some readers are so determine to hate something just because it is different that either their expectations or what they consider is the definitive ideal of the character.  Hell, the original Bat-Man used a gun and wore purple gloves.  Sometimes change can be good.  The problem comes, like in any character alive or fictional, when personal growth or development is stunted or shunned.  Then, everything becomes stale.  And that’s boring.

“The Batman’s biggest mistake I suppose was arriving too quickly on the heels of what was probably the best adaptation of Batman ever in animated form. Maybe they should have waited a little. (Just kidding).”

PftL:  I can see that but shockingly enough, the series came out before the movie.  Hey. Was that a jab at me?  Or am I becoming paranoid?  Thanks for the email, Eddie. 

And if you want to be like Eddie and receive word from high upon the Longbox of Wisdom, click the name at the end of the column and send that email.  It won’t hurt and more than likely, you’ll see your email plus whatever I have say (like you care about that) on this here space in future week’s editions.  C’mon, what ‘cha waiting for? 

The One Comic To Keep Your Eye On

Before I start with this one book, I want to offer this disclaimer.  Usually, I don’t offer reviews here on the Quick Stop Entertainment Network for two reasons: 

• My grasp of the English language is suspect, at best (at least that’s what my Doctor of Rhetorical English brother tells me)
• And I find that I usually gravitate to books that I like and ignore ones that I don’t (like any book where Rob Liefeld pulls a double-shift since it’s like shooting drunk fish in a fish bowl with a shotgun full of buckshot). 

Now, here’s a PftL review:

 

 

Emily Edison (Viper Comics)
Writer: David Hopkins
Artist: Brock Rizy
Foreword by Dave Crosland
143 pages; Color, $12.95
All-Ages 

Now this book was not what I expected.  And that’s a good thing.  Emily Edison is a teenaged girl who is joint custody of a poor Earth appliance repairman/inventor and a Royal superwoman from a different plane of existence.  Okay that’s not too weird.  Oh, yeah, her maternal grandfather keeps sending robots over to Earth to conquer it in order for his granddaughter to come back to his world.  Now, that’s something different.  

Hopkins does a good job of conveying the dilemma of Emily and handles the direction of the book’s plot quite nicely.  The dialogue is not forced and Emily, along with most of her supporting cast, are well developed (except for her dad, who does get kind of the shaft as far as character development but that’s a minor setback). 

Rizy’s art has some decent energy within the panels and his influences from Crosland to Mahfood to Morse are very prevalent but his artwork never crosses the line into aping.  The color palette adds some extra funkiness to the scenes and the layout is never too busy or distracts for the action at hand. 

Conceptually, the book is also divided into four chapters, which makes for natural breaks in the action.  And speaking of action, this book is nothing but just that.  Emily Edison is just like a younger Magnus.  She knows how to fight robots and nothing is better than seeing a robot bent on bad things get crushed like an aluminum beer can by a super-powered teenager. 

Emily Edison doesn’t require knowing a ton full of continuity and just throws you right in the action, which makes for a enjoyable read and a head a many of the books already out there now.  Reading the book is almost like going to a matinee to see an animated summertime popcorn movie.  It’s a fun, solid read.  

My only request ““ I want to see a prequel of how the dad and mom got together in the first place.  I’m picturing a cross between Flash Gordon and Adam Strange.  So, David and Brock, get to work.  Bring on the Prequel!

That’s it.  I’m off the Longbox this week.  Thanks for reading.  And don’t forget, guys and gals.  Keep your bags & boards together and your continuity straight.

-britt

* All claims here within are used only for satirical purposes.  The author will not be held accountable if funds are transferred to his PayPal account without any product delivered. * 

July 19, 2006 

Introduction 

Greetings, my friends – both old and new.  This column right here is called “Preachin’ from the Longbox” and I’m your humble comic book advocate, Britt Schramm.  Since the column’s surroundings as well as the URL have changed, I thought that this would the perfect time to move PftL into a second volume.  But don’t worry; even though QSE is considered the evolution of the old MPS site, there won’t be any type of evolution going on here.  I’m still gonna write about comics my way, not because I have to answer to a new authority figure.  So, watch out, Mr. New EIC, your time will come within these here columns real soon.

Now, without that unnecessary intro out of the way, here’s this week’s column:

This week’s sermon – “The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning”Â 

A couple of weeks ago, I was left home alone with a list of To Do’s from the wife.  Now, I don’t know about you but being deafened by a house that is devoid of the usual loud electronic noises and laughing little voices is very unnerving, especially when you have grown oddly fond of it.  

After placing the aforementioned Honey Do list firmly in hand, I had to do something to make the house seem more “alive” (for lack of a better word) and that led to only one thing ““ to find some background noise on to help me maintain my cleaning focus as well as to make the house not seem so vacant.

I went through all of the possible alternatives in my head.  Music was my first choice but since I’ve stopped turning to terrestrial radio for my musical enjoyment and really wanted to keep my CD collection fresh for the daily work commute, that option was instantly scratched off the list. 

(And by the way, when did AM/FM Radio get the lame moniker of “terrestrial radio”?  Is it because of the whole satellite radio “revolution”?  If that’s the case, then shouldn’t satellite radio be considered “extra-terrestrial radio”?  Or is that label only reserved for the newest technological advancement in radio – Digital FM or that damn cute but overly wrinkly Phone Home midget?  Really, am I the only one who questions this stuff?)

With radio out the door, my decisions boiled down to cable and DVD.  Although I dig having the whole cable hook-up, the whole ordeal in trying to find something on the tube during the weekday mid-morning that isn’t a) nails-on-the-chalkboard irritating or b) moronically stupid is harder than you may think.  And after cycling through half of the channels, I had to cut my losses and make the command decision that there was nothing on the old idiot box.

I was left with putting on a DVD.  Now, thanks to my pre-children days (and having a Best Buy within walking distance), I have in my possession a decent sized collection of DVDs.  The problem is finding the right balance of playing something that is good enough to allow for repeated viewings but isn’t so visually stunning that I’ll stop whatever I’m doing in order to watch the scene that is playing like a drooling moron.  

There are only a few select movies that I feel make this cut.  Movies like:

• “Almost Famous” (although I am guilty of lingering a little too long during the Penny Lane topless scene but I’m only human)
• All of Quentin Tarrentino’s movies (except for the Kill Bill series because they’re so damn pretty to watch)
• “Ford Fairlane” (I’ve already given my explanation for that one)
• “When Harry Met Sally” (because I have a some sort of Meg Ryan-in-the-late-80’s fixation)
• And, of course, the Jersey Trilogy (hey, I was a fan first before I started writing here).

All make the grade for that kind of background chatty noise that I need to prevent my most notable trait ““ procrastination ““ from rearing its ugly head.

But also, around the same time (even serendipitously, you might say), the first season of The Batman was released.  And being the hardcore Bat-fan that I am, I was able to budget my allowance (don’t ask) for this purchase.  So, rather than reach for a tried-and-true DVD from the aforementioned list, I reached for Disc 1 of The Batman: Season 1 and plopped it into the Pioneer DVD tray.

Again, half of my mind was occupied with cleaning and I may have whiffed too many noxious fumes but I want use this column to make the following declaration.  “The Batman” is just as good as “Batman: The Animated Series” and here’s why:

First, the Bat-costume is a great spin on the various designs from the Batman: The Animated Series but with some minor tweaks.  The now classic Black on Gray suit still solid but putting the oval back into the Bat chest symbol (as well as reverting the utility belt back to the old “tubular” design) brings back some of the iconic heritage to the character.  But it’s the little changes like shortening the ears, making the eyes more oval and rounding out the forehead in an attempt to make the cowl sleeker and more like a helmet plus the introduction of the Bat-Wave PDA that bring the whole costume together.  Sure, it’s hard to go against the breakout and very stylish design that eventually lead to changing the costume of the DCU Batman but this one is pretty solid.

There’s not that simulated “retro” look within any of the show’s design elements.  Don’t get me wrong; I’m a huge fan of B:TAS.  But some of the shows seemed to try too hard to be generically retro.  If you get a chance, watch at a B:TAS episode and take a look at the cars, the clothes, and the buildings.  If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll see that by going “retro”, the shows come off older than they really are.  The Batman is doing what I like to say all of the time ““ living in the now.  

I like that the creators went for a more subtle anime approach versus a two-thirds anime hybrid like the way Teen Titans has become.  Using some speed lines and slightly adapting the characters’ appearance and nuances keep the show relatively grounded in American comic lore while still showing that the Bat-franchise is acceptable to interpretation.  FYI – there’s anything wrong with the Teen Titans show, as I like it well enough.  But some days, I just can’t handle how Beast Boy reverts to some mocking anime character.  Call me an old fart, if you want.  Another step away from some of the literal anime influences is the removal of Chief Rojas (a stereotypical angry police chief in some of the anime DVDs that I’ve seen) after the end of Season 1 and the re-introducing Commissioner Jim Gordon in Season 2.

I also like the interpretations of the Bat-villains since they’re not bogged down by years of continuity like B:TAS was.  Seeing Catwoman as an anime-infused version of Jim Lee’s recent redesign was nice to see and modifying Mr. Freeze into a mutant was a deft touch.  But, again, the creators didn’t go overboard with the changes.  The Penguin, Firefly and Poison Ivy are more or less the same character that is in the books.  Although I still find it somewhat disturbing to see the Joker without shoes but hey, he’s crazy so that fact kinda fits his modus operandi.

Another way that The Batman is on par that B:TAS is in the excellent quality of voice work for the show.   No, that’s not a slam against Kevin Conroy, Luke Skywalker, Efrem Zimbalist Jr. or Bull from “Night Court”.  But it’s hard to compete with the gaggle of actors that are on “The Batman” like the newest Commander William Adama, X-Files’ Mitch Pelligi, comedian and self-admitted comic nerd Patton Oswalt, SpongeBob SquarePants, uber-hottie Gina Gershon, the Villain from “Highlander” as well as Bat-alumni like Adam West (who also voiced the Grey Ghost on B:TAS), Eric Matthews from “Boy Meets World” (who voiced Batman Beyond) and the dearly departed Frank Gorshin.  Whoa, I think that I may have been wrong earlier.  This cast of supporting voice actors actually slays Batman: The Animated Series.  But fans of B:TAS can take some consolation.  At least the majority of their voice work wasn’t done by Ted Knight.  True, the guy is a television legend.  But don’t tell me that during those Saturday Filmation cartoons back in the day that you didn’t picture Ted Baxter in his WJM Channel 12 blazer staring blankly back at you.

Although, I’ll admit that there have been some recent setbacks to the show.  I hate hate HATE the new theme song for Season 2, which sounds like a bastardized mashup of epic proportions comprised of the first season’s theme song (brilliantly composed by The Edge) and the theme song from the Jack Lord classic TV show, Hawaii Five-O.  (If you don’t know Hawaii Five-O, you should crack a history book every occasionally, kid.  You might learn something.)  I might be alone on this one but the theme from Season 1 kills any Bat-Theme that was made before or will be made in the future.  I’m not trying to be controversial; this is just factual knowledge.  And while I understand the inclusion of Batgirl was done to inject some estrogen into the show as well as to explain the addition of Jim Gordon, I’m really not digging her in this series.  She seems like an amalgam of Robin (natural acrobat) and old school Bat-girl (computer whiz).  Her costume is with the oversized eyes is just too odd-looking.  Okay, so I’m a hypocrite but that’s nothing new.  By the way, did I tell you that I hate the new theme song?

Aside from those slight hiccups, I can’t see for the life of me why people hate the new Batman series so.  I’ve read the very unflattering “Amazon.com” reviews for the DVDs and wondered if they’re watching the same show that is on My TiVo’s Season Pass.  My friend Steve told me that I didn’t like the three-quarter profile, which is the same style that was used on the Jackie Chan Adventures cartoon (Jeff Matsuda was key player in designing and conceptualizing both shows) and I can understand that argument.  It does take getting used to seeing.  But the real problem with the complaints is that the show is not a direct carbon copy of the wonderful and hallowed Batman: The Animated Series.  Again, you probably won’t find a bigger fan of that series more than yours truly.  However, I refuse to let the spectre of that show cloud my judgment concerning “The Batman”.  Once people take those blinders off and let go of their pre-conceived misgivings about “The Batman”, they should begin to see what I’ve been seeing all along ““ a show that is still ground in Batman-mythos yet still moving forward.  As I always say, “Live in the Now, people!”
 

The PftL Mailbox

Matt M. dropped a huge ass letter in the mailbox a couple of months ago concerning the “Dreaming in Digital” column.  To keep the column as short as possible, I’ve decided to post just an excerpt:

“I happily download comics because I cannot afford to buy comics. That’s the simplest answer. One can make lots and lots of arguments about the illegality and the unethical behaviour of downloading comics, but I think they are predominantly forgetting that it is not theft because I am not taking the original method of creating profit from the hands of the creators or the corporations. In a digital world in which people copy and paste all the time (ha), I think the industry must must must catch up to my downloading speed. I download comics all the time. So many that I haven’t even read half of them yet”¦..This is my point: the qualitative argument for downloading information. I will resort to purchasing comics only if the quality is up to my standards. I’m not idiot: quality is far more relative than morals. Who am I to judge the professionals? Well, unfortunately, the power of my dollar is the judge. I choose to buy Grant Morrison (GM), therefore GM becomes the next writer of Batman. Excellent. There’s a comic I will buy. But until the rest of comicdom catches up with the Scottish scribe (along with Gaiman, Millar, Slott, Moore and others), I will be downloading comics”¦I could go on, as I’m sure all comic fans could, but I choose to stop here.”

PftL:  Matt, thanks for writing.  While I didn’t really get into the legalities of the current practice of P2P sharing of scanned comics, I’d still like to address your comments.  I totally understand your current financial crunch but it just seems like your justification is flawed.  Any reproduction of that copyrighted material, no matter what form the output is ““ digital or otherwise, is still regarded as stealing.  I don’t see how the act of downloading a scanned comic is not considered taking money that you would’ve spent to purchase said book out of the hands of the creators or the corporations, as you put it.  I could see if it was something like a network share with read-only access or a license for a one-time reading of the issue, which would be very similar to reading the book at the local store.  But once the file is downloaded, it’s there until someone deletes it.  Maybe I’m just being obstinate but it still sounds like pilfering.
 

The PftL Moment of Irony

Now, this is not about the “Black Fly in Your Chardonnay”/Alanis Morissette-type of irony.  Here’s the scenario.  At the end of March, an interesting email arrived into the old inbox from a top writer in the industry and in the subject line was a request to peruse his new creator-owned book.  No problem, so I thought, until the email was opened and a link to a PDF of the preview was imbedded in the body.  This was only a couple weeks after I had written the abovementioned “Dreams in Digital” column in which I describe in some detail that I’m not a fan of reading comics that are expressly made for print in a digital format.  I’ll be honest; not only did I chuckle about this coincidental email but ironically, I actually read the PDF comic.  And it was so good (the comic ““ not the format) that I went ahead and bought the comic when it finally hit the stands a few months later. 

The writer (in case you were wondering) ““ Dan Slott

The book ““ Big Max (Mr. Comics)

The lesson here is not that the comic book medium is going to a digital format sooner that anyone thought.  It’s the fact that I’ll read almost any comic book that is offered gratis.  Creators, I’m talking to you.

Three Comics to keep your eye on this week:

• Eternals #1 (Marvel) ““ Neil Gaiman + John Romita, Jr = Must Have.  That is unless it’s like 1602.  Then, it’s more like Must Wait for the Trade.
• Flash, The Fastest Man Alive #1 (DC) ““ How will DC explain this one now that Wally West and Bart Allen are out of speed juice?  Hopefully, the story will not involve BALCO or HGH.
• Uncle Scrooge #355 (Gemstone) ““ In honor of my new EIC (Damn, I couldn’t make it through the first column.  I’m such a suck-up!)

The Wrap-Up

I would like to dole out a little dap to a couple friends to the PftL scene: 

• Big Ups to former MPS honcho Chris Ryall and the Hope to his Crosby, Scott Tipton, for getting a solid plug for Comics101.com in the latest Entertainment Weekly (the one with the metrosexual Superman on the cover.  Keep up the good work, gentlemen.   
• And congrats to Keith Giffen on getting his new column, As If I Care, up and running on Wizard Universe.com (http://www.wizarduniverse.com/magazine/archive/giffen.cfm).  I only hope that he won’t make it look too easy.  Us regular Internet Columnist Joes gotta have something to hang our hats on.  I’d like to give him a piece of advice that the first industry pro gave me when I first started out at Moviepoopshoot (and I’m paraphrasing here) – “Try not to fuck up too badly.”Â 

Lastly, I’ll exit out the door with a one-page back-up gag from the first issue of “Ursa Minors!” a June release from SLG Comics.  The subject matter is one that we should all be familiar knowing; old jokes and all.  Although I didn’t know that a possible chink in Mr. Smith”˜s armor would be the inability to down a nice frosty cold one.

That’s it.  I’m off the Longbox this week.  Thanks for reading.  And don’t forget, kiddies; Keep your bags & boards together and your continuity straight.

-britt