“The Real Miracle on 34th Street”

T’was two weeks before Christmas,
When all through the nation,
Former UPN outlets…
Showed a true aberration.

The street was the same,
But it wasn’t as good.
This Miracle’s color –
And no Natalie Wood.

Look! There’s David Hartman
Of the old G.M.A.
And Jane Alexander…
Who once ran N.E.A.

All the character actors…
Do I see Roddy McDowall?
And as Mr. Shellhammer,
None other than Thurston Howell!

And the big man in red
May have been a real mensch.
But he’s sure not Kris Kringle.
He’s Brian Keith’s butler named French.

If you look past the color,
You’ll see something quite lyrical.
It’s not about Santa’s mail,
But, I’d still call it a miracle.

For, up to that moment,
It was safe to assume…
Messrs. Doyle and Bosley
Were never in the same room.

The same roundish tummy.
The same roundish pan.
I’m not the first to believe
Dave and Tom the same man.

And to make things confusing
While Bosley was Fonzie’s foil.
On the very same network,
The Angels’ Bosley was Doyle.

For your comic relief,
And 70’s ABC fun…
Two lovable cherubs.
Or was there just ONE?

Is there a Bosley?
And ALSO a Doyle?
Which of these guys
Is according to Hoyle?

For an answer to this
Grand contradiction…
Look no further than this
Ersatz “Miracle” depiction.

On the bench sat Judge Tom
In Kringle’s hearing for fitness.
David Hartman called Macy.
And, in walked the witness.

The courtroom door opened…
And I gasped, at a loss.
David Doyle took the stand
As Kris Kringle’s boss.

There they were for a moment,
Although it was brief.
It was more than sufficient
To debunk a belief.
When the movie was over,
I could hear all exclaim…
Merry Christmas to all
From Bosleys one and the same.

I didn’t go to the San Diego Comic-Con, but I saw a lot of pictures. There were pictures of Iron Man, Indiana Jones, Two different Spocks, dozens of slave-girl Leias and as you would expect, quite a few photos of the man who owns this bandwidth, Kevin Smith.

But, I think the person who got the most pixels in the press was a 18-year-old former high school cheerleader from Denver, Colorado named Lacey Henderson.

You’ve probably seen her picture – some of you may have even seen her in person but were too busy staring at the machine gun where her right leg used to be to say hello and ask about her story. Yup, Lacey Henderson was the girl at the Genius Products booth appearing as Grindhouse‘s stripper of the highest caliber, Cherry Darling (and by caliber, I mean not only the measure of her character, I mean the – aw, you know what I mean).

Thanks to the worldwide interweb machine, within minutes I was able to learn more about the woman above the rifle. As a very young girl, Lacey lost her leg to cancer and worked hard to bounce back. In fact, not only does she walk with a prosthetic, but she cheerleads and can do backflips. She posted her profile on a website that lists specially-abled performers available for television and film work. That’s where the Weinstein people found her. I can just imagine the first phone call. “You want me to wear a what? On my what?”

From the looks of the onlookers in all of the pictures, Lacey’s appearance was more impressive than any of Rose McGowan’s greenscreen antics. (And considering Grindhouse‘s lukewarm reception, Lacey may have been seen by more people).

I really admire Lacey’s stamina – the gun-sthetic didn’t look all that sturdy, but she made the best of it. In an interview with USA Today, Lacey said that the fans were great but there were a few stupid questions. Someone actually asked if she had her leg amputated to get the job.

Yup, stupid question.

But, it did get me thinking. What would people actually do? How far would people go to get a job in the entertainment industry?

I know a guy named Kirk Thatcher – he was working on Star Trek IV as an associate producer. He asked Leonard Nimoy if he could be in the movie. Nimoy said yes, but there was a catch. Kirk had to shave his head into a Mohawk. For a chance at Star Trek immortality, Kirk gladly said yes. His hair grew back, but he will forever be seen as “Punk on Bus” – and he even wrote the song playing on the boombox in the scene.

Lots of people shave their heads for roles in movie.

I would do it – of course, I don’t have much hair to begin with, but I would do it. That’s probably as far as I would go. Nope, I wouldn’t amputate a leg to play Cherry Darling at Comic-Con or even cut off a hand to play Luke Skywalker at Hasbro’s Toy Fair booth. (Although if I did, maybe my hand could even get its own job as “Thing” from the Addams Family at the MGM Home Video booth).

Would someone gouge out an eye, and lose two legs and an arm to play Steve Austin? (For you younger folks, he was the six million dollar man – you know, like the Bionic Woman you’re seeing all those NBC promos for).

Now, those things are extreme – no normal people would do that, but what would I do to make a few extra bucks working at Comic-Con?

If the Star Wars booth needs a Lobot, sure, I’ll shave my hair off. Or, to be more accurate, the rest of my hair. It won’t take long. Same goes for Lex Luthor and Professor Xavier.

I would lose 20 pounds to fit into a Stormtrooper costume. (Or a Batman costume – the cool Adam West kind, not the rubber thing that probably weighs a ton. If I wanted to carry around that kind of weight, I wouldn’t bother losing 20 pounds).

Would I burn off my arms and legs in lava to play Darth Vader? I don’t think so. But, I would grow a beard to be Obi-Wan. (He gets the high ground, you know).

Would I grow my hair long to play Aragorn? If I could, I would. But, every time I try to grow my hair long, the result looks more like Bozo the Clown.

How about Popeye? I guess I could shave my forearms, but I stop short an inflating them with air and tattooing them with ship anchors.

I guess I could go barefoot to play Fred Flintstone, but I have a feeling I’d be stepping on a lot of chewing gum and tons of safety pins that snap off of all of those Star Trek uniforms worn by attendees who would never pass the Federation physical.

Would I shave my chest to play Conan? Sure, if that was all it would take.

Grow facial hair to play Wolverine? Yup, but I wouldn’t jam a bunch of blades in my fist.

Anyway, back to Lacey Henderson. While the fanboys are ogling her and posting photos on Flickr, I hope they appreciate her courage. After spending years wanting to fit in and not just be the girl with the prosthetic leg, she strapped on a machine gun and let tens of thousands of people stare at her and snap pictures for just that reason. For a brief time at Comic-Con, Ms. Henderson became the living, breathing embodiment of Cherry Darling, and then it’s back to normal. One of the articles I found online says that she’ll be enrolling in college in the fall and wants to become a prosthetic engineer in order to help other amputees.

There are always a lot of heroes at Comic-Con. Who knew the biggest one would be wearing a Rose McGowan wig?

Dear Aaron –

I know it’s probably too late to save Studio 60.

Aaron, man, that show had potential. I Netflixed the pilot weeks before the fall season began and I thought it was a great pilot with lots of potential. But, as a wise professor once lectured to me in a college sociological linguistics course; “when someone tells you that you got a lot of potential, they’re basically telling you that you got a whole lot of nothing.” The professor paused for emphasis, as he would after saying something important (almost as if to say WRITE THIS DOWN, YOU IDIOTS), then he repeated “You got a whole lot of nothing.” Well, Aaron, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip turned its potential into a whole lot of nothing.

“Buy the premise, buy the bit.” You quoted the maxim – or actually, you misquoted it in one of your episodes. According to your newly arrived, temporary supervising writer, “buy the premise, buy the bit” means that you have to establish the premise early in the sketch. That’s not really it. You do have to establish it, but it’s more than that. You have to believe it. You have to BUY IN to the premise. You gotta believe that there is a world in which these truths you establish really are true.

I’m sorry, Aaron – you’re a great writer and I’m a fan. Loved West Wing. Loved Sports Night. Loved The American President, but I’m afraid there are a bunch of premises in your show that I don’t buy.

PREMISE # 1: The main female cast member of Studio 60 can’t tell a joke.

That premise made sense in My Favorite Year, when the character in question was an assistant, but when the character’s stock in trade is comedy, I think that even if she’s not known for telling jokes, I think she would be able to memorize a joke and repeat it. Not only does this premise bother me, but Aaron, buddy – did you think people wouldn’t realize that Matt used the exact same joke that was used in My Favorite Year to illustrate the point? I know. I know. It was an homage. Right.

PREMISE # 2: Jordan McDeere, the Network President spends most of her time worrying about one late night program.

Maybe if she allowed her VP of Late Night (if she had one) to hang out at Studio 60, she would have kept a closer eye on the Dracula tentpole miniseries that apparently self-destructed. Ever since she got pregnant, she has spent more time eating than programming, and unless she’s planning to outbid NBC for the next cycle of The Biggest Loser, the NBS schedule is doomed to failure.

PREMISE #3: The NBS network seems to have miraculously held out from airing reality shows. They didn’t even have a head of alternative programming until very recently.

I guess that makes sense considering there seems to be an overall shortage of Vice Presidents (unless their late night VP went out for a lunch meeting and was kidnapped by Judd Hirsch’s character and is now being held hostage).

PREMISE #4: Matt Albie and Danny Tripp are either so insensitive or stupid that they schedule a sketch about taking hostages while an actual hostage siege is underway.

Despite the utterance of “there is no way this ends well,” neither Matt or Danny thought the real world crisis should prevent them from running the sketch – until, of course, people were killed. In any real life situation, a good producer would have kept the sketch on hold until the outcome of the real crisis was decided.

PREMISE #5: We are supposed to believe that middle aged people from any place in the United States have never heard of Abbott and Costello and their classic “Who’s on First?” sketch.

I understand that you needed to make this happen for the story, Aaron, but I don’t personally buy it. Sure, I’m one of those New Yorkers who watched Abbott and Costello movies every Sunday morning (after Wonderama, or course), but I’m sure mid-westerners had access to Bud and Lou, too. I mean, they started doing the routine in 1938 and it’s been performed and parodied ever since in all media known to man – and a few that aren’t.

PREMISE #6: Apparently, when a show needs help, you just add a blonde.

It might have worked with Melrose Place, but on Studio 60 it didn’t really make an impact. By my count, three blonde women were added to the cast on three different occasions (the English writer Lucy, the alternative programming chief Hallie Gallaway and most recently, the attorney defending the show in a sexual harassment case). Come to think of it, blondes were also added during the run of The West Wing (Emily Procter, Mary McCormack and Kristin Chenoweth). Now, I have nothing against blondes, but next time, to be fair, why not try throwing a brunette or a redhead at the problem? If it doesn’t work, you can always have them dye their hair.

PREMISE #7: Studio 60, the show within the show, is a funny show.>

This may be the toughest premise to buy – and sadly, one of the more crucial. Here is the problem: the show isn’t that funny. In all of the sketches that we’ve seen, I laughed a grand total of… once (it was the “Dateline Santa Claus” predator sketch, in case you’re wondering). It’s all about cause and effect. If the show isn’t funny, and the show isn’t doing well, then it makes sense, but Studio 60 is supposed to be doing fairly well in the ratings. With that show? I don’t think so. By the way, the show’s apparent success is also one of the main problems of the series – the entire series’ story arc was resolved in a couple of episodes. Episode 1 – Studio 60 the sketch show is in trouble after Judd Hirsch rants on air. Matt and Danny are hired to fix the show. Episode 2 – They fix the show and ratings are strong. Huh? Wouldn’t it have been more interesting for it to have taken… oh, I don’t know… FIVE YEARS to get the show back to its ratings glory? Each year should be a struggle to get renewal from NBS, but we never really heard the word “Cancellation” bandied about the studio.

PREMISE #8: It may take a village to raise a child, but it only takes one guy to write a sketch comedy show.

Early on, it is made clear that Matt Albee writes almost the entire show by himself. Now, I went to the WGA Awards a few weeks ago and watched as no fewer than 25 writers from Saturday Night Live walked up to the stage and accepted their awards. If only Matt Albee was the sole writer of SNL, the Guild would have saved a buttload of cash on award statuettes. Even if we make the leap that Matt writes the show himself, (I guess it’s not that much of a leap considering how lousy the show is), it’s hard to then make a big deal about the writing staff leaving. Yup, that’s right, only a few episodes after Matt makes it clear that he doesn’t need Ricky, Ron or the other writers, he makes a big deal when the writing staff quits. Aaron, it’s hard to have a story point like this mean anything without conflict. Conflict would have been: “I really need these writers. I can’t do without these writers. Oh no! The writers just quit.” It doesn’t really work in this situation: “I don’t need these writers. I write the whole show. Oh No. The writers just quit. Ummm.. So what?”

PREMISE #9: These people have never heard of a rerun.

Okay, I get it. We’re supposed to be worried that several members of the cast are stranded in Nevada with guest star John Goodman. “Oh no! We have a live show in 12 hours!! What’s going to happen???!!!!” If I was the head of NBS late night programming (if they had one), I would have handled that situation like this. “Hello, Danny? Put on a Best of Studio 60 tonight – how about that classic episode from the 80’s with guest host Gary Coleman? That was a really funny one!”

You will notice that for someone with so many issues about this show, I seem to know a lot about it. I never miss it. My wife and I find ourselves yelling at the screen, but we never miss an episode. I guess that’s what matters. Perhaps, the grand irony, Mr. Sorkin, is that if you ever do fix all of the problems with Studio 60, I probably would not watch it as religiously. Now, it’s the show I love to hate. If you fixed it, it might become a show I hate to love.

It is appointment television – I grant you that. However, I also make appointments to go to the dentist – and right now, the dentist makes a lot more sense and doesn’t walk and talk a 360 around the studio for no apparent reason.

What exactly went wrong? I don’t know, but sometimes I feel like I would like to move to the fantasy world in which Studio 60 is meant to take place. I assume that in this world, Matt Santos is happily serving as President of the United States, with his Chief of Staff Josh Lyman at his side. Meanwhile, Josh’s doppelganger, Danny Tripp, is running the venerable Studio 60 television program, a show that has managed to become legendary – no mean feat considering that its sketches are not funny, its running characters barely even limp and two of its female cast members never seem to say a word. In this world, if Studio 60 is a big hit, just imagine what I could do!!

The average life expectancy for men in 2004 was 73.4 years of age.  With that in mind, let us look at a few unique facts.

Bob Barker is 83 years old.

Monty Hall is 85.

Peter Marshall is 76.

Hugh Downs is 85

Ed McMahon is 83

Regis Philbin is 75.

Chuck Barris is 77

Dick Clark is 77

Tom Kennedy is 79 and his older brother Jack Narz is 84.

Garry Moore was 77 when he passed away, as was What’s My Line‘s John Charles Daly.  Steve Allen was 78.  Groucho Marx lived till 86.

What do we learn from this?  The only explanation is that game show hosts live longer than normal people.  Sure, there may be a few exceptions due to illness (Bert Convy & Allen Ludden) and suicide (Ray Combs), but it appears that game show hosts live longer than those not fortunate enough to stand on a stage at CBS Television City or the NBC studios in Burbank.

Now, this is no clinical study, but I have my own theories.  From a psychological view, game show hosts play games for a living.  It is still a job, but playing games is indeed fun.  Most of us do it to have fun and relax, but to do it and get paid – hey that’s like you’re getting a salary to indulge in recreation – kinda like professional sports.  And, don’t forget the laughter – game show hosts laugh a lot and, as some people say, laughter is the best medicine.  (Although, if I have an infection, I’d just as soon forget the laughter and stick with the antibiotics).

From a medical point of view, game show hosts meet thousands more people than we do during the course of their lives.  Now, I’m not a doctor, but I have visited the set of Scrubs, and met all of those TV doctors, so that makes me more than qualified to deduce that our every day encounters with people and their personal bacteria helps improve our resistance to disease.  It stands to reason that since a game show host meets more people than the average individual, a host encounters more germs and hence, builds a higher resistance to disease.

Finally, we must examine the workload.  Most non-emcee folks work five days – in excess of 40 hours – per week.  Since the dawn of video tape in the 1960’s, game show hosts have been able to work one day to produce a full week of five shows.  (Some hosts like Dick Clark would do more).  A host could do a daytime and nighttime version of one show and host another and still only work three times a week.  Now, I’m not diminishing the rigors of the job – one must be entertaining and charming, while making sure the game is played properly, but fewer work days mean fewer commutes, and fewer treks to the office mean less stress, and so forth.  Also, fewer workdays mean more days for rest, golf, charity, reading, sex and all of those other things that make us feel good.

One last thing we must look at is vanity.  Game show hosts must take care of themselves.  The camera adds ten pounds (although you’d think that with technology, they could take them back off), and hosts tend to stay slender and in good general health.  With the exception of Louie Anderson and the slightly portly Art Fleming, you don’t see a lot of overweight game show hosts.

So, Tom Bergeron, Howie Mandell, Todd Newton, you have long happy lives to look forward to.  William Shatner, your recent game show credit may extend your already rich, long life.

Now, speaking of game show hosts, Gene Rayburn lived to the age of 81, and probably gained a few extra years from the laughs generated by the classic Match Game ’73 and its subsequent numbered and non-numbered incarnations.  Although these shows are 30 years old, they continue to be loved by fans on the Game Show Network (or GSN, as they want you to call it now).

BCI-Eclipse saw a good opportunity with a built-in fan base and decided to release a Best of The Match Game DVD set.  The package consists of four discs filled with 30 episodes, and while there are a few bonus features, the unedited, unsped-up, uncredit-crunched episodes are the main attraction.

Here is the good news — the shows look great – with that bright CBS glow of tube cameras and 2″ quad video tape.  And, the episodes are uncut, which means you can listen to the glorious voice of the one and only Johnny Olson as he plugs Turtle Wax, Rice-A-Roni and all of the other staples of seventies game show parting gifts.  Also included (on the episodes containing them) are the original “Ticket Announcements,” which Johnny announced as the parts of the panelists and contestants’ faces were electronically mismatched to great comedic effect.  Technically, there is one big problem with the set.  The final episode on Disc 1 loses sync mid-way through, then recovers.  We hear BCI is working on a fix.

More good stuff – the addition of the original 1963 pilot is a real treat. The black and white episode is also hosted by Gene Rayburn, but the very ordinary fill-in-the-blank questions allow no real opportunity for humor.  It would be ten years until Dumb Dora and Old Man Periwinkle would rock the world.

While it is wonderful to see Brett Somers and hear her introduce the best moments, her segments were awkwardly produced, and could have been improved just by repositioning of the cue cards closer to the camera.  She is looking offscreen the entire time, the way a person appears in an on-camera interview, rather than looking towards the camera as one should during an introduction.

Also slightly disappointing was the selection of episodes.  I realize the challenge of choosing 30 episodes from a vast library of hundreds, but I think some of the selections could have been more interesting.  We are given not one, but three episodes featuring Kirstie Alley as a contestant, at the expense of not seeing the show in which the entire cast of The Carol Burnett Show stops by unannounced and sits down and joins in a round.  And, what about Burt Reynolds’ surprise drop-in?  Oh, and there’s the time Charles was late to the set so Mark Goodson had to sit in.  (Not to mention Johnny Olson’s day on the panel when Charles forgot to adjust his clock for daylight savings and missed showtime).

Don’t get me started on “Slide it” Earl, the stagehand – we should have seen his emergence from the door in the set.  Richard Dawson’s arguments with producer Ira Skutch, and of course, each year, Match Game made a big production out of changing the year on their sign – not one of these episodes is included.

Maybe they’re saving this for volume 2.

One other draw-back, the “Best Moments” featurettes are culled from the episodes contained on the discs, and are not stand-alone compilations.

But, I must say, all of the episodes are enjoyable to watch, and a real treat to see.  I would still recommend this DVD highly, (assuming the disc 1 technical glitch is fixed).  Television fans will enjoy it, but big game show fans may be disappointed (they’ll buy it anyway).  A wise DVD marketing person once told me that the best way to see a volume 2 or a season 2 of anything is to buy the first one.  While BCI could have done a little better here, let’s try to encourage them to do volume 2.  Go buy one (or more – they make great holiday gifts) and let’s look forward to additional volumes.

And speaking of more, here are a few unsolicited suggestions for volume 2:

Add some extra “mis-matched face” ticket announcements.  These are a crowd pleaser – and something that can’t be seen on the 137 or so daily broadcasts of Match Game on the Game Show Network.

A few months back, for a short time, GSN included the show “slates” with Johnny reading the show number and tape date at the start of their “Match Game” telecasts.  This would be a wonderful little bonus that would not cost anything.

An episode of the Match Game/Hollywood Squares hour might serve as a cautionary tale for the entire world.

The actual pilot for Match Game ’73 should be located and released on volume 2.  Now, I don’t want people to think I’m some kind of game show nerd (even though my current hobby is constructing game show sets out of Lego – see below for some work in progress photos of my Match Game ’74 set), but the show presented as the pilot on this DVD is actually the first episode.  The pilot was announced by Johnny as “The 1973 edition of Match Game” and the set’s sign did not carry a number.  The contestants sat at one large desk, not individual podiums.

I would love to see a compilation of Gene’s entrances, and other fun moments.  This might take some research, but there are plenty of people who can guide BCI in the right direction.

If this DVD does well, I encourage BCI to continue in the game genre.  They recently announced a deal to release Price is Right and Family Feud DVD’s but I think the classic Hollywood Squares would be a more logical follow-up to Match Game.   And, if the BCI folks read this, and they do manage to get the rights to the “Squares,”  I invite them to check with me for some ideas on how to select the episodes.  Let’s see, there should be one whole disc of “Storybook Squares…” and don’t forget the one-hour specials…

This edition of Oooooh Shiny has been a Mark Goodson-Bill Todman-Merrill Heatter-Bob Quigley-Stefan Hatos-Monty Hall Production.

##

The story you are about to read is true. I didn’t even change the names.

It happened a few nights ago when my wife and I were decorating the tree. We try to celebrate both holidays equally, but the little menorah just can’t hold a candle (sorry) to the big artificial Christmas tree in the corner of our apartment. But, our tree is less of a religious icon and more of a paean to American popular culture.

My wife, let’s call her “Stephanie,” (on account of that’s her name), was hanging an ornament. Homer Simpson slipped and bumped into Wimpy. While trying to save Wimpy from falling, Stephanie accidentally knocked another ornament to the floor, breaking it into several pieces. It took a short time for us to realize the comedic irony of the shattered ornament that lay there on our hardwood floor. It was a five-inch replica of a famous “major award” ““ a “A Christmas Story” leg lamp ornament.

We looked at each other.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I broke the leg lamp.”

I smiled, but all I could say was “Not a finger!!!”

“We can fix it.”

I dashed to the kitchen junk drawer.

“WE’RE”¦ OUT”¦ OF”¦ GLUE!”

This little incident, to us, was our little Christmas miracle. I mean, we have dozens, perhaps hundreds of pop culture Christmas ornaments. We’ve got Spongebob, Snoopy, The 3 Stooges, Howdy Doody, Superman, Batman, Captains Kirk and Picard, The Enterprise, The Millennium Falcon ““ you name it. What are the odds, that of all of our ornaments, the one that would break was our frag-i-lay major award?

As a famous narrator once intoned, “all was right with the world.”

But, was it? While inside our home, everything was right with the world, there were a lot of wrong things happening in other places. Here’s a short list of SOME of the things that are just plain wrong about the current pop culture landscape of Christmas:

• NBC produced a nice, star-packed, family movie, The Year Without a Santa Claus (reminiscent of those NBC contractual obligation TV movies of the 1980’s starring Michael J. Fox and Nancy McKeon). Now, a big holiday event movie like this should be seen by the whole family, right? So, of course NBC broadcasts it from 9 to 11 pm. What happened to the nice Sunday night at 7pm time slot? That’s when you air family movies!

• I refuse to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas on ABC. To me, this will always be a CBS special from the rotating “BUM-BUM-BUBADABUBADA-BUM-BA-DUM-BA-DUM-BUMP!!!” of the CBS Special Presentation logo, through all of the commercials for York Peppermint Patties right to the end credits. You can take the special off CBS, but you can’t take the CBS from the special. And please, don’t even get me started on I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown. I will only say one word on that matter. “Why?”

• While we’re talking about ABC, did anyone notice that their broadcast of the classic Grinch cartoon included the behind-the-scenes featurette created back in 1994, but they painstakingly removed Phil Hartman as host and replaced him with Tom Bergeron? They used the same exact script!!! They didn’t even revise the verb tenses to reflect the passing of interviewees Chuck Jones, Thurl Ravenscroft and Albert Hague!

• Where’s Mr. Magoo? Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol should be broadcast on a major network alongside of Rudolph and Charlie Brown. And for that matter, so should Emmet Otter, but only if the Kermit the Frog sequences (deleted for legal reasons) can be restored. (You can’t see Kermit on the currently available DVD of the program, but you can see a one-hour documentary on the making of the program — a documentary produced by yours truly).

• The remake of Miracle on 34th Street is still being shown ““ what’s with that? Every 35mm print, 16mm print, VHS cassette, DVD and negative of this film should be rounded up by 20th Century Fox and buried on their studio lot next to the M*A*S*H time capsule. And while we’re on the subject of Kris Kringle, anyone who watches the colorized version of the original classic should be boiled in their own pudding (whatever that means).

• The holiday season has traditionally started with Thanksgiving. Santa riding through Herald Square on Thanksgiving morning ““ that’s the official start of the Christmas season. This year, I began seeing Christmas decorations as soon as Halloween was over (and Halloween seemed to start filling the stores as soon as the Labor Day Back to School shopping season was over). I guess the retailers of America find it easier and more lucrative to go from one holiday shopping season to the next with as little down time as possible. Have these people not seen Miracle on 34th Street? (Any version ““ including the 1970’s David Hartman debacle!!)

• The holiday should be about joy and brotherhood ““ not about shopping and money. (And this is true no matter what holiday one celebrates). Almost 50 years ago, a man named Theodor Geisel wrote a book espousing that sentiment. When the Whos’ Christmas is stolen by a nasty old Grinch, the Whos still celebrate the holiday. Christmas still comes. So, the all time irony of irony is that the Estate of Dr. Seuss has turned this tale of the true meaning of Christmas into one of the most commercial ventures in the history of family entertainment. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Craig, you were a writer on The Wubbulous World of Dr. Seuss ““ You even wrote the Wubbulous holiday episode!!” I did indeed. I was part of the posthumous exploitation of Seuss. But we did new stories based on the original characters, not overblown adaptations of the books. I’m proud of that work ““ I received a WGA Award nomination for my work on the show. Now, I knew that Dr. Seuss was very protective of his work while he was alive and probably would not have allowed the Henson company to license his work to produce our show. But I felt that we were doing our best ““ and if I wasn’t a part of it, someone else would be ““ and perhaps someone who didn’t care as much.

It may be a fine line, but I find a lot of difference between doing what we did with Wubbulous World and taking The Grinch book and well, getting greedy.

I find it ridiculously ironic that Seuss’ anti-commercial Christmas manifesto has turned into a seasonal money-printing machine for the Seuss Estate. This year, after cranking out every dollar possible from the feature film version and subsequent DVD release of Grinch, the venue is the Hilton Theater on Broadway ““ the Grinch’s face is on the marquee beside a Target Stores logo. I guess the Grinch buys Max’s dog food there.

One thing I’ve learned over the years: what you’re saying is important, but how you convey your message says just as much. And I think it takes real nerve to put on a show about the true meaning of Christmas while grossing millions (they do 12 performances a week ““ most shows do 8 ).

I’m not saying the show is bad ““ I haven’t seen it. I hear it’s good. But, it’s expensive to attend and there’s a ton of merchandise being hawked in the lobby. The 80-minute show may be about the true meaning of Christmas, but everything around the show just plain reeks of profit, greed, money and all of those other things that I really like in most other situations. Some people say that “content is king.” That may be true, but in a situation like this, it’s all about context, folks.

I could go on and on with this sort of thing, but I don’t want you all to think I’m some kind of old curmudgeon who only complains about how great things used to be. I don’t want to be like that at all, so if the powers that be are reading this, here is some advice: Don’t let things suck. That’s the deal. Don’t let things suck and I won’t rant. Seems easy enough, doesn’t it.

Somehow, I think I’ll still have a lot of ranting to do.

Okay, here it is – only I’m not quite sure what “it” is going to be. But as the boss of this site, Ken Plume, tells me, this is my own little section of cyberspace to do with as I please. I’ve been here in cyberspace before – most recently reviewing DVDs for a site called DVDAngle, a combination of two events ended my participation. First, I became very tired of reviewing the constant barrage of “Red Green” DVDs that were sent my way, and around the same time I experienced trouble critiquing Red’s adventures with duct tape, the site stopped operating entirely.

Before that, I tried to revolutionize the movie review industry with my own site “The Movie Monkey,” an award-winning, yet time consuming effort whose brilliance can still be enjoyed via “waybackmachine.com.”

But that was then, this is now – and as I said earlier, “this is it” – and as I say now for the first time, “here I am.” But who, am I? In my bio, I describe myself as a writer in various media. After spending 14 years at the Jim Henson Company (working on everything from full scripts to the backs of trading cards), I went freelance and have written episodes of Courage the Cowardly Dog, Oobi and several pilots that you’ve never heard of. My most recent achievement is the creation and writing of a series of Disney Channel interstitial cartoons called Lou and Lou: Safety Patrol. And, I write my own plays and screenplays to help keep me sane.

I am also on the Board of Directors of The Jim Henson Legacy, a non-profit organization which helps to preserve Jim Henson’s work. It is through my continuing association with the Henson organization that I began dabbling as a documentarian – first producing a one-hour Emmet Otter retrospective for the show’s most recent DVD release, and now I’m working on producing a new project to bring Jim Henson’s short films and commercials to a wide audience.

Full disclosure: I am very happily married to the lovely and talented Stephanie D’Abruzzo, Tony-nominee for her performance in the original Broadway Cast of Avenue Q. And, in a nice bit of Quick Stop synergy, she recently filmed a guest star role in the musical episode of Scrubs, during which I incessantly shot oodles of tape so I could make some guest contributions to the “Scrubs Production Blog.”

Stephanie also gave me the name for this column – describing “Ooooh… Shiny!” as the expression of wonderment that comes over my face when I see something incredibly cool – either on television or in a store window when she’s trying to pull me through the mall on the way to buy socks or some other necessary item. Mind you, I don’t really say it – I just look like I may do so at any moment. Stephanie also inadvertently supplied the graphic that accompanies the title when she commissioned Avenue Q’s Rick Lyon to construct a puppet version of me as a recent birthday gift. Trust me, it’s a perfect likeness.

So as I said twice previously, “this is it.” And, to be slightly more specific, yet still vague, “this” is anything I want it to be – Reviews, Opinions, Anecdotes, Pictures, Audio, Video – who knows, but we’ll find out together. And what do we find this week? A review of one of may favorite Saturday morning kid shows of the 1970’s, and the most recent to arrive on DVD, Ark II.

I can just imagine the pitch meeting.

“It takes place on post-apocalyptic Earth… the place is a wreck. The cities are all gone. A nuclear holocaust. Wars! Environmental disaster! Overpopulation! Are you with me? And, there’s this team of young people in a souped-up RV and they go throughout the wastes and deserts and help people. The planet blew itself up and our heroes are in this portable laboratory and they’re helping everyone.”

“Sounds good, Lou.”

“Yeah. And it’s a Saturday morning show for the kiddies.”

“We’ll take it. But, you gotta throw in a talking monkey.”

“Deal!”

Well, maybe it didn’t happen that way, but I’m guessing that’s close to how one of my favorite shows of my youth was born. The show was Ark II and for those of you who were too young or too old to enjoy the program when it was broadcast on CBS back in 1975, that really was what the show was about.

Produced by Filmation, which was primarily an animation company before it had some success in live action with Shazam and Isis, Ark II was the first of Lou Scheimer and Norm Prescott’s science fiction series – Space Academy and Jason of Star Command would soon follow. Their live-action Ghost Busters starring Forrest Tucker and Larry Storch is also worth mentioning, and may be the topic of an entire essay in the future.

Terry Lester (later to star in Young & the Restless) led the Ark II crew as Jonah, accompanied by Ruth (Jean Marie Hon), Samuel (Jose Flores) and a talking chimp named Adam (played by a non-talking chimp named Mooch).

Oh, and the guest stars!! The guest stars!!!! The DVD is well worth the price just to see Lost in Space‘s Jonathan Harris chew the scenery in TWO episodes as Fagon – a futuristic play on Dickens’ Fagin, leading a group of orphans in small time crookery. (Chewing the scenery is more figurative than literal, as Filmation’s early live action programs were shot almost entirely outdoors to avoid the cost of building sets – why do you think Billy Batson and Mentor drove around in a Winnebago and didn’t have a cool Batcave-like HQ?) Don’t forget to watch for a very young Helen Hunt, a very old Jim Backus and an ageless Robbie the Robot.

And the greatest star of all – the Ark II vehicle, which to a 10-year old child in 1976 was the coolest thing on wheels since the Batmobile – trust me, I happened to be a 10-year-old child back then. We can’t forget the Ark Rover, a small jeep-like thing which was carried in the back of the Ark (although even a ten year old had questions about how the passenger quarters of the Ark could be so large and still carry the Rover inside). Oh, and of course, there’s the Jet Jumper – which was just a fancy name for the real-life experimental Bell Rocket Belt. (Yup, the same thing that we all thought we would be flying around with by now, if the scientists could every figure out how to carry more than one minute’s worth of fuel in the darn thing).

Well, after decades of relative obscurity under the ownership of various parties (including a stint with Hallmark entertainment), various Filmation properties are emerging on DVD for the first time courtesy of BCI-Eclipse. Ark II is the first of the live action programs to be seen outside of the bootleg DVD tables at every science fiction and comic book convention across the country.

BCI-Eclipse has packaged the program beautifully, adding several bonus features to the mix, the most significant of which is a retrospective documentary. Produced by novelist and entertainment writer, Andy Mangels, the 30-minute “Launch of Ark II” is a well-made collection of interviews and photos. Mangels managed to assemble a pretty good collection of insiders – a pretty neat trick when you consider the program is 30 years old and produced only 15 episodes during its entire run.

Leading the list of interview subjects is Lou Scheimer, a name those in my generation will only recognize when accompanied by “Norm Prescott” in a revolving circle of text. The still beautiful Jean Marie Hon-Trager (Ark II‘s Ruth, whom we learn is now a pharmacist in California), producer Richard M. Rosenbloom, director Henry Lange and writer David Dworski also participate. Long time fans and newcomers will enjoy their behind-the-scenes anecdotes, (did you know Ark II was built on a very cheap truck chassis that kept breaking down so much that they had a welder on standby?)

Also included are two audio commentaries by those involved in the documentary interviews, a photo gallery and an art gallery of illustrations for a proposed animated version of Ark II (And no, its not Lou Scheimer’s Ark II Babies). A booklet containing basic information and fun facts about each episode is packed inside the crisply designed colorful packaging (although I will say some of the print was a bit tiny for those of us who actually grew up in the 1970’s).

The only bad news here (other than the really depressing cold-war era pessimistic mood you’re in after watching this show for a few hours) is the actual condition of the episodes themselves. The show was most likely shot on 16mm film, which yields a somewhat low resolution image to begin with, but the Ark II episodes on this DVD look like they themselves have been dragged behind the Ark Roamer through the desert wastelands. While certainly more watchable than the convention bootleg versions, the image quality is a disappointment.

My own theory is that the original 1970’s era videotape transfers of the 16mm film masters may have been used for this release. Telecine technology has improved over the past quarter century and I can’t help but think that new transfers would have really made a difference here, but I can’t be sure. This material may have been the best available, or the only material available. Pure conjecture here, but sometimes properties that are sold from entity to entity occasionally lose some elements along the way.

In any event, BCI-Eclipse has shows a great deal of respect to Ark II and they should be applauded. In an industry where legendary television shows like The Andy Griffith Show are released without any DVD extras, and a 15-episode, mostly forgotten children’s show from the 1970’s gets a package like this, the DVD label responsible should be supported with sales and kudos, so they continue to offer this same treatment to future releases (and maybe even work on getting better quality elements!).

Go buy this DVD – and consider its grainy image quality an unlisted bonus feature – let’s call it “Seventies Vision” – because I just realized that Ark II looks just like it did when I was watching it on broadcast television in 1976 (except I think we were between color televisions at the time, and this DVD has no Evel Kneivel toy commercials on it). And just as most Filmation shows ended with some sort of public service commentary, let’s end this review the same way. “Put litter in its place, kids. Now stay tuned for In the News on most of these CBS stations.”