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…But fucking behave or we’ll squash you like bugs.

-Ken Plume
Editor-in-Chief /Poobah

Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Hollywood writers are on strike. So yeah… that means us too. We are on strike because we want fair pay (or just pay) and it has nothing to do with the fact that we are lazy and can barely be considered writers anyway…
  

Note: QSE News Producers have hired scab writers to complete the rest of this week’s new stories.

• Shela LaBoof, the guy from that Transfarmers movie waz totally busted by the cops for being all drunk n shit in a drug store. That guy is stupid yo!

• The white strips have made some more songs and a new video for ppeps to check if they want to but its not up yet. Those white stips are stupid! Yo!

• That fat guy Meatloaf has canceleled his tour in Europe cus hes all sick.  Meatloaf is sick yo!

• The mans gone all crazy n shit and is kicking Michael Jackson out of his crib. Michael Jackson is crazy yo! LOL! And hes stoopid!

• Prince is all treatin his fans like shit n shit cus now he wont let them put pictures of him on their sites. That’s whack yo! Prince just needs to chill.

• A bunch of people one awards at the CMA show. I didn’t watch it cus country music is lame yo!

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• David Dobkin, director of the upcoming Paul Giamotti vehicle Fred Claus, is set to direct a feature film of the Flash. Contrary to popular belief, the film will actually be about the scarlet, comic-book speedster and not the amount of time George Clooney can last in a woman.

• In continued comic-to-movie news, another actor has turned down a role in the upcoming Justice League film. Actor Columbus Short will not be playing the role of Green Lantern in the film. The five people who know who Columbus Short is are extremely upset by the news.

• Oasis will be heading back to the studio next month to begin recording a new album. A spokesperson for the band said the group will be sequestered at the famous Abby Road studios beginning Nov. 5th. Discussing the sound of the new album, Noel Gallagher said “[expletive deleted] this [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] you [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] guitar, maybe some [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] piano and [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] mother [expletive deleted].”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• In one of the most shocking literary reveals of all time, author J.K. Rowling has admitted one of her most beloved characters from the wildly successful Harry Potter books is gay. During a stop at New York’s Carnegie Hall, Rowling told the gathered audience that master wizard Albus Dumbledore was a homosexual. Rowling was surprised that no one had picked up on what she thought were obvious clues throughout the series of books – including the fact that Dumbledore is constantly referred to in the book as “Albus ‘Reacharound’ Dumbledore.”

• Kid Rock was arrested in Atlanta last weekend after an altercation at a Waffle House. Rock got into a fight with another Waffle House customer. Music insiders are arguing that the fight was premeditated to help further Rock’s “bad-boy” image. One of Rock’s own management team seemed to validate those rumors by saying “what’s more white-trash than getting in a fight over a girl at a Waffle House in the South? Nothing.”

• The cast for the upcoming Star Trek reboot has been solidified with the addition of Chris Pine and Karl Urban. The two will play a young Captain James T. Kirk and Dr. Leonard McCoy, respectively. William Shatner offered some advice to Pine with regard to the approach to portraying Kirk, saying, “Forget… everything you’ve ever… learned… about acting. Instead… act like you’re… trying… to pass a giant kidney stone… out your wiener.”

• Despite pleas from fans world-wide, Robert Plant has said the upcoming Led Zeppelin reunion show is not a precursor to a full-blown tour. Led Zeppelin will be performing November 26 at London’s O2 Arena. Plant went on to say, “If you want to see a bunch of geezers bouncin’ around and playin’ their oldies, go see the Stones or The Who.  Besides, all that bouncin’ around?  I might break me hip!!”

• Casting has started for a live-action G.I. Joe film. The film’s producers are hoping to begin shooting in February. To stay true to the cartoon, casting agents are looking for one black person and 100 white people.

• Actor Daniel Dae Kim was arrested in Hawaii on suspicion of drunken driving. Kim is a cast member of the show Lost. A spokesman for the actor claimed that Kim was trying to forget how boring the show had become and was only trying to “spice things up a bit.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Fans of the TV show Buffy The Vampire Slayer will have to dress up and sing somewhere else, as Twentieth Century Fox Television has issued a cease and desist order to planned sing-along events. Organizers have been running Buffy sing-along events in several cities across the country where fans come dressed as their favorite characters and act out parts of the show ala Rocky Horror Picture Show. In the letter, Fox lawyers stated that fans of the show will “have to creep out normal people and wear their virginity on the outside some other way… or pay us a billion dollars because we are greedy shit heads.”

• Deborah Harry has given the OK for Kirsten Dunst to star as the former Blondie front woman in an upcoming bio-flick. The film, while still in the planning stages, is set to be directed by Michel Gondry and will follow the life and times of the singer.  When asked about her feelings regarding playing Harry, Dunst replied “Harry?  No, I like to keep it nice and tidy down there.”

• Family members of Charles M. Schulz are upset with the author of a new biography of the man behind the Peanuts gang. The book, Schulz and Peanuts by author David Michaelis, claims Schulz used the characters he wrote and drew as an outlet for his different personalities, both good and bad. Michaelis claims everything in the book is 100% true, “especially the part where he made his wife dress up like Snoopy while he dressed as Woodstock.”

• Mock-pundit Stephen Colbert has announced that he will be running for the office of President of the United States. Making the announcement on his show, The Colbert Report, Colbert said he will run as both a Democrat and a Republican. The only current Presidential candidate to comment so far on Colbert’s announcement is Mitt Romney, who said, “At least (Colbert) isn’t black or a woman.”

• With his work winding down on the upcoming Indiana Jones movie, George Lucas is turning his attention back to Star Wars. Lucas is planning a live action TV show and an animated cartoon based on the popular franchise. Fans are hoping that at least one of the series will focus on Jar Jar, as “that character just wasn’t given enough screen time in the prequels.”

• The upcoming Spice Girls “best of” CD will be available at Victoria’s Secret months before it’s available at record stores. The new album will be a collection of the group’s biggest hits, as well as two new songs. Industry insiders have commented on the Victoria’s Secret deal, noting that only one of the members can wear anything produced by the company as most of the members “have let themselves go a little.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Britney Spears has lost custody of her children. This most recent development in the continued self destruction that is Spears came as a shock to few. Spears’s ex-husband has been awarded custody of the couple’s two children by a Los Angeles court. Spears is reportedly ok with the court’s decision because she recently found out that she wouldn’t be able to get as much as she thought trading the kids for drugs.

• Radiohead will be releasing its much anticipated next album sooner than expected. The album, titled In Rainbows, will be available through the band’s website next week. Everyone that has heard the album is already saying they love it even though they really don’t.

• Actor Nicholas Cage was woken by a naked man that had broken into his California home. Robert Furo, a tailor, was found wearing nothing but one of Cage’s jackets. Cage commented on the case by saying only “I’m use to waking up, not knowing what’s happening and surrounded by naked men, but I didn’t pay this guy so I don’t know what his deal is.”

• The International Astronomical Union’s Committee on Small Body Nomenclature has announced that they have approved a plan to change the name of asteroid “1994 GT9” to “7307 Takei”.  The change in name comes as an honor to actor George Takei, who played the role of Sulu on Star Trek.  Researchers named it after Takei because the asteroid is on a collision course with Uranus. What? That’s an astronomy joke. Get your mind out of the gutter.

• Someone has stolen computers and photos from the set of the new Indiana Jones movie. Local police are looking into the theft and representatives for Steven Spielberg have warned media outlets that any information they receive about the film may be stolen. Spielberg himself said of the theft “Damn. If only there was someone to help track down these lost artifacts.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The world’s most renowned mime, Marcel Marceau, has passed away at the age of 84. Cause of death was not known at press time, but speculation is that he ran out of air while trying to find his way out of an invisible box.

• The highly anticipated video game Halo 3 has finally been released. Sales for the last installment of the wildly successful franchise topped $124 million in the first 24 hours. Due to the game’s release, IT offices and departments across the country will be closed for the next two weeks.

• The Sex Pistols have reunited to record versions of the band’s hits for the next installment of the Guitar Hero video game. The band will also be performing several shows around the UK to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the release of Never Mind the Bollocks. The band had contemplated digging up dead Sex Pistol Sid Vicious for the events but decided no one would notice if he was playing anyways.

• Reports say actress Jessica Biel is up for the role of Wonder Woman in the upcoming Justice League film. The movie is being rushed (always a good sign) through production in hopes of finishing the project before the possibility of a strike. After the news was released, every man alive spent the next 15 minutes daydreaming… with erections. In related news, Linda Carter is still old.

• The 90’s pop powerhouse EMF, who you’ll remember from the song “Unbelievable”, is reuniting. The band last performed together in 2002. Upon hearing the news, music fans across the country said “who the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] is EMF?”

• Work has already started on a sequel to the hugely successful film Transformers. Director Michael Bay has already expressed interest in returning to helm the next film. According to a DreamWorks rep, once all the parts have been cast, a budget set, and special effects started, they hope to find someone to write the film.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• In a (not) surprising win, The Sopranos took home the Emmy for outstanding dramatic series. The show 30 Rock won for best comedy series. The night was capped with all of Hollywood joining in a mass orgy to further congratulate itself for systematically destroying art.

• It appears that people can’t stop pissing in Britney Spears’s Wheaties. After suffering through scathing reviews of her MTV VMA performance last week, she has now been dropped by her management team. In a statement from her former manager, the drop was explained; “at the time we signed Ms. Spears, we had no idea she wanted to sing and dance again. We signed her under the expectation that she would move into reality TV, soft-core porn, and then maybe star in a couple rehab stints.”

• Actress Alicia Silverstone will appear in the buff for an upcoming PETA ad. Silverstone agreed to do the ad to promote a vegetarian lifestyle. PETA officials are hoping to capitalize on Silverstone’s fame… which ended in 1999.

• After seven days of deliberation, the jury in the murder trial of record producer Phil Spector is still at an impasse.  Deadlocked at 7-5, the jury can’t seem to agree whether Spector is innocent or guilty of murdering actress Lana Clarkson in his home last year.  According to sources, the five people who are opposed to finding Spector guilty are males who like the thought of being referred to as a “hung” jury.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• As reported here last week, Britney Spears made her, albeit futile, comeback attempt at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards. The response to Spears’s performance was overwhelmingly negative as she lip-synched and danced her way through her new single “Gimmie More.” Music executives were quick to point out that Spears’s, bloated, half-hearted, over-hyped train wreck of a performance was in no way a reflection of American Pop Music.

• Catholics are all pissed off at comedian Kathy Griffin. After winning an Emmy this past weekend for her reality TV show My Life on the D-List, Griffin said “a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus.” Jesus responded by saying, “You know, she’s right. Like I don’t have better things to do than sit around and make sure so and so wins some bullshit award or some team wins a football game.”

• Rock star and renowned dirt bag Kid Rock was cited over the weekend after an apparent fight with fellow musician Tommy Lee in the crowd of MTV’s Video Music Awards.  Reports stated that the altercation began when Lee became upset that rock was ignoring him, and ended with Rock punching Lee in the face.  Authorities are contemplating bringing charges against the pair’s ex-girlfriend, Pamela Anderson, for “willfully staging a public cock fight.”

• In continued Tommy Lee news, it appears that Lee is quitting Motley Crue. The rest of Motley Crue is upset with Lee and his manager after Lee chose to star in a reality TV show rather than tour with the band. Lee’s only comment regarding the split was “[EXPLETIVE DELETED] those guys. I’m not going to let those guys stand in the way of my efforts to completely destroy any credibility I have left. Besides, I’ve got to prepare for my new reality TV show called My D*ck is Longer Than My Career.”

• According to a note posted on the band’s website, Coldplay is finishing up work on a new album. The album, produced by Brian Eno, may include the songs “Lost!,” “leftrightleftrightleft,” and “42” among others. Coldplay front man Chris Martin said this new album should complete the band’s mission of boring every single human being on the planet.

• The White Stripes have canceled a planned UK tour due to drummer Meg White’s “acute anxiety.” The group apologized to disappointed fans “We hate to let people down and are very sorry.” Front man Jack White reportedly turned down the option of replacing Meg with a monkey saying “I don’t want Meg to feel like she’s being replaced by a better drummer.”

• And finally this week, Daily Show host Jon Stewart will be hosting the 80th Annual Academy Awards. This will mark the second appearance hosting the awards show. Fathers across the country are already complaining about the announcement saying unanimously “I just don’t think he’s that funny.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• According to Courtney Love, troubled singer Amy Winehouse is the worst drug addict she’s ever met. Love continued, saying that “Even I wasn’t that bad.” All that we can say here at QSE News is “Damn, Amy… that’s like the Pope telling you that you’re a better Catholic than he is.” We look forward to next year’s attempt at your record by Lindsay Lohan at the 2008 Coke-Whore Challenge.

• Producers of the American Idol Idols Live Tour are beginning to get worried as ticket sales for the concerts are down when compared to previous tours. In addition, not a single show has sold out – most of the concerts to date have had attendance below 60% of capacity. Music insiders say that if the trend continues, performers may have to do something drastic, like write their own material.

• Apple has announced the details of a new iPod that will be hitting stores soon. The new iPod is modeled after the widely popular iPhone and will have WiFi and touch-screen capabilities. In a press conference, Apple’s main man Steve Jobs said “This is an exciting time – and if aren’t lucky enough to get one of these new iPods, you might as well kill yourself, because you will be unpopular. But don’t worry, if you don’t have the courage to kill yourself, the new iTerminators will come by your house and kill you.”

• Last week was a rough week for TV as overall ratings were at an all-time low. TV executives are blaming the drop in viewers on the warm weather and long Labor Day weekend. In response to the low ratings, all four major networks will meet with the fast food industry next week in order to develop a plan to make Americans even more fat and lazy “so they don’t leave the house and can’t do anything except sit there and watch TV.”

• Legendary tenor Luciano Pavarotti passed away on Thursday after a long battle with cancer.  Since he began his career in 1961, Pavarotti has been one of the biggest stars, both literally and figuratively, that opera has ever seen.  The singer will be buried in Modena, Italy with representatives of Green Peace on hand to ensure that the carcass is disposed of properly and not just hauled back into the ocean.

• Former child star Brian Bonsall was sentenced to two years probation after pleading guilty to third-degree assault charges. Bonsall, who starred on Family Ties, was arrest in March after his girlfriend called the cops and reported Bonsall had poured an alcoholic drink on her face while she slept, put her in a choke hold and threw her onto a bed when she tried to leave. This recent episode marks Bonsall’s first hit since the end of Family Ties… and with that QSE News would like to congratulate ourselves for our 100th tasteless domestic violence joke. We’d like to thank the little, abusive people – like Bonsall – that made this milestone possible.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Rumor has it that Britney Spears will be performing at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards. The awards show will air Sunday September 9th. Spears is said to be dusting off “fan favorites” for the performance that will likely include shaving her head, flashing her VaJay, lip-synching and pretending that her career isn’t over.

• The Cure have postponed fall tour plans in order to concentrate on finishing the band’s next album. The band is now set to crisscross America in April and May of next year. The band’s tour promoter also apologized for the cancellations and said “I guess those 30-year-old guys still wearing make-up and capes will have to get beaten up somewhere else for a little while.”

• Former child-actor Scott Baio and his girlfriend are expecting their first child. Baio currently stars in the reality TV show Scott Baio is 45… and Single. Hollywood insiders are expecting Baio’s child to continue the Baio legacy by being unattractive but for some reason still able to bang the hottest chicks in Hollywood.

• Actor Owen Wilson, friend of the vastly-more popular actor, Will Ferrell, was rushed to the hospital earlier this week after an apparent, and half-assed, suicide attempt.  Wilson could not be reached for comment, but when asked why the star “attempted” to take his own life, the attending doctor queried back “how many times can you be called ‘dick-nose’ before it starts to have an adverse affect on you?”

• According to producer Daniel Lanois, the new U2 album is “making itself.” This is excellent news, as the last couple of albums U2 made have kinda sucked, so it’s nice to see they are letting something else write their albums.

• The unfairly successful Dancing With the Stars has released its list of this season’s dancers. Included in the mix of the washed-up and talentless is former Beverly Hills 90210 actress Jennie Garth and Melanie Brown, aka “Scary Spice” from the Spice Girls.  Producers did say that for the third season in a row, their first choice, Stephen Hawking, was unavailable.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• It is being reported that 11 extras have been injured while filming the new Tom Cruise movie, Valkyrie.  During a scene, the 11 German extras were riding in the back of a truck when a wood panel gave way causing them to tumble out.  None of the people were seriously hurt.  That being said, those Germans were lucky because, as we’ve said here TIME AND AGAIN, if you [EXPLETIVE DELETED] with Tom Cruise – like Germany tried to do a few months ago – Lord Xenu will take his mighty fist and [EXPLETIVE DELETED] you with it.  Sure, he’ll make you think everything is all cool, but right when you least expect it, he’ll swat your ass and knock it out the back of a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] truck.

• It appears that a gun, once owned by the Evil Presley, was stolen from the Elvis After Dark museum. The theft apparently occurred as thousands of loony, mostly over-weight people descended on Memphis to “celebrate” the 30th anniversary of the death of the late pedo… er, singer. Authorities are concerned that the perpetrators will use the gun the same way that Elvis did back in the 50’s… to steal “black” music.

• Senator Patrick Leahy, D-VT., has a role in the next Batman film. Leahy says he is a life-long fan of Batman and will donate his pay from the film to charity. Hoping to capitalize on his role, Leahy introduced legislation into congress asking for $3 billion to build a replica bat-cave under the Senate.

• Actor Bill Murray was arrested in Sweden for drunk driving. Murray was picked up while driving a golf cart down a street in Stockholm, Sweden. Murray said he was sorry for the error in his judgment and stated that he got “a little carried away” celebrating the fact that he wasn’t Chevy Chase.

• NBC is getting set to bring back the sports themed television classic American Gladiators.  The show, which features regular people going up against muscle bound athletes in various physical competitions, originally ran from 1989 to 1996.  The new show will feature a lot of the same physical challenges, but with updated technology and new twists.  Viewers can also expect to see some of their favorite Gladiators like Nitro and Turbo re-imagined, as well as new combatants The Cream, The Clear, Shrunken Balls and Roid Rage.

• A new Justice League movie is being planned – but without the involvement of the current Batman and Superman actors. Christian Bale and Brandon Routh (Batman and Superman, respectively) have not been signed on to star in the film. While casting has yet to be confirmed for any of the characters, QSE News has learned that Adam West has been hitting the gym to get in shape for a “New, yet familiar, role.”

• Fox has announced that it has canceled its new reality show Anchorwoman after only one airing. The unscripted show followed former World Wrestling Entertainment Diva Lauren Jones and her attempt to become a newscaster in Texas.  Jones released a statement to the press saying that the network didn’t give the show a chance and that she would “crush those puny Fox executives the way they crushed her dream of being a respected journalist who just happens to have killer cans and can do an Inverted Frog Splash off of the top rope. OHHHH YEAHHH!”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Christina Applegate isn’t married anymore. Applegate officially ended her marriage to Johnathon Schaech late last week. In related news, the world still doesn’t care about the guy that played Applegate’s brother on the show Married… with Children, whatever his name is/was.

• Actress Nichelle Nichols, who gained more weight than fame as Lt. Uhura on the original Star Trek series, is heading back to the small tube. Nichols will be joining the cast of Heroes next season as the grandmother to series character Monica.  Nichols was hesitant to join the popular show at first, but when she found out that she wouldn’t be the only cast member that William Shatner has had his penis in, she signed immediately.  In related news, George Takei is the only other cast member that has met William Shatner.

• The video game Madden NFL 08 was released this week, as eager fans waited outside of stores across the country to be one of the first to get their hands on the game. Over the past 17 years, the series of football video games has sold more than 60 million copies. This year’s game serves up a special treat in the form of a mini game that allows players to live the life of their favorite NFL star by holding out at camp, injecting “The Clear” into their cranks, slapping prostitutes, committing murder, and organizing dog fights.

• Counting Crows is wrapping up work on their new album, which is due out in November. The album will be titled Saturday Nights, Sunday Mornings and will feature songs that are both “loud and soft.” Geffen, the band’s current record company, is hoping to spur sales by offering a free pair of khaki Dockers with each CD purchase.

• A (partially) reunited Van Halen is headed out on tour… for real this time. The band, which now consists of bat-shit crazy David Lee Roth, half-tongued guitarist Eddie Van Halen, Alex “Crypt Keeper” Van Halen and Valerie Bertinelli’s son, Wolfgang Van Halen, will be playing 25 dates across the country. The tour is scheduled to be canceled early next month after tickets for all shows have been sold out.

• The HBO drama John from Cincinnati has been canceled. The show revolved around the struggles of a surfing family in California and never caught on with viewers or critics. Critics credit the shows unpopularity with the fact that it contains a character from Cincinnati and “as everyone knows, nothing good has ever come from Cincinnati.”

• It is being reported that Marvel Comics is pursuing wrestler Hunter Hearst Helmsley for the title role of Thor in an upcoming movie.  Helmsley, whose real name is Paul Levesque, has had roles in several movies, including another Marvel property, Blade 3.  In casting the wrestler, Marvel hopes to capture a key demographic of 15-25 year old sexually confused males.

• In a new film called The Wackness legendary actor Ben Kingsley has revealed that he shares an on-screen kiss with the food-phobic “actress” Mary Kate Olsen.  After shooting the scene, Kingsley had nothing but praise for his young, nubile co-star, claiming that the former Full House star “totally gave him a semi…”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• A theater in New York is offering free tickets to the new off-Broadway show “My First Time” to virgins.  In order to prove whether or not the people are really virgins, the producers have hired Sebastian Black, a mind reader and hypnotist who bills himself as “The Human Lie Detector.”  In related news, the staff at QSE News will be out next week, seeing a new show in New York.

• The fifth movie in the Harry Potter franchise, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, earned the biggest Wednesday opening ever after it took in nearly $45 million.  The movie, which continues to follow the young wizard and his classmates, beat the previous record holder, Spider-Man 2, by over 4 million.  While it has been successful in the first few days, insiders are counting on a sharp drop in profits this weekend as NBC rolls out new episodes of “To Catch a Predator.”

• Sam Rockwell and Anjelica Huston have been cast in the movie Choke, based on the novel by Chuck Palahniuk.  The movie centers around a sex addict who pretends to choke then sponges off of the people who save him.  While the movie hasn’t even started filming yet, the marketing department is already hard at work trying to convince people that the movie is not a film biography of legendary porn star Ron Jeremy.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Nintendo Co. Ltd. Has issued a warning to future Wii consumers ““ get it now or don’t get it at all. Nintendo issued a statement saying that come this holiday season, the Wii will be harder to find than normal due to expected increase in demand and a launch of one hundred new games. We at QSE News are going to file this in the “No Shit” department.

• A small town in Vermont has won the honor of hosting the preimer of The Simpsons Movie. Springfield, VT, competed with 13 other Springfields across the country to host the event. Producers of The Simpsons said Vermont was chosen because “Seriously… we have to give those people something to live for. What else do they have?”

• Daredevil Evel Knieval and rapper Kanye West are going to a mediator to settle a pending lawsuit.  In December Knieval brought suit against the hip hop star, claiming West used his trademarks in the video for the song “Touch the Sky.”  According to those close to the case, West is willing to settle even though “(West) ain’s saying (Knieval)’s a gold digga, but he ain’t messing with no broke (Rapper).”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Cable Network TNT has purchased the broadcast rights for the movie 300 for $17 million.  The move gives TNT the rights to broadcast the movie beginning in September of 2009.  TNT is excited about the move as they have been looking to fill the homo-erotic void that was left when the station lost professional wrestling.

• It has been announced that Kevin Spacey will be reprising his role as Lex Luthor in the upcoming sequel to Superman Returns.  While plot details have not been released, it is expected that in the film Luthor will almost kill Superman only to have the Man of Steel come back at the last minute for a victory.

• The goth gods The Cure will be releasing a new, double album, this October. The album will be the band’s thirteenth studio release. The band will continue to release the album despite being faced with the fact that the world stopped listening after Mood Swings.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• It appears the upcoming Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows may not be author J.K. Rowling’s last novel about the little wizard that could. Rowling’s responded to the question of future Potter books by saying “never say never.” The author continued saying that in a couple years she’d like to revisit the popular series and add extra Dewbacks and scenes with Jabba the Hutt.

• Actress Toni Collette, famous for her role as the mother in The Sixth Sense, is expecting“¦ a baby! The child will be Collette’s first with husband slash rocker Dave Galafassi. It’s unclear if the child will be able to see dead Bruce Willis.

• And finally in video game news, gamers will have the opportunity to play as and against Slash in the upcoming Guitar Hero III. Slash will be a boss character that players will have to defeat in the course of the game. Sony said that every Guitar Hero III will come with a syringe and a bottle of Whiskey to “heighten the experience.”

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• A Nebraskan micro-brewery is naming a beer in honor of Larry the Cable Guy. The beer will be named Git-R-Done. According to the micro-brew’s owner, the beer will taste like racism and stupidity.

• The little movie that could, Transformers, was number one at the box office again this past week. According to Paramount, Transformers has scored the biggest nonsequel-opening of all time, beating out Spider-Man and The Passion of the Christ. Well… we guess that solves that age-old question: Optimus Prime totally kicks Jesus’s ass.

• For the two of you in the world that actually care, actress Eva Longoria and basketball star Tony Parker were finally married over the weekend.  We at QSE News would like to congratulate the happy couple but would also like to warn Mr. Parker to watch out for Longoria sticking her [EXPLETIVE DELETED] into his [EXPLETIVE DELETED].

• It is being reported that singer and former American Idol contestant Clay Aiken was involved in an altercation on airplane over the weekend.  According to reports, “a shoving match occurred between an unnamed woman and an unnamed man who was a former American Idol contestant.”  Publicists for Aiken neither confirmed nor denied the singer’s role in the fight, but insisted that if Aiken were involved, it certainly wasn’t a “lover’s spat.”  Yeah… about that. we’re pretty sure no one is going to think that it’s a lover’s spat because that dude is totally ga… This just in! Britney offers an apology!

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• Movie critic Joel Siegel passed away on Friday at the age of 63. Siegel died from complications due to Cancer. We here at QSE News offer our condolences to the Siegel family, but we also feel that Siegel’s death was a little contrived with major plot holes and poor character development.

• Pixar’s domination continues as the new film from the company, Ratatouille, was number one at the box office. The film, about a rat aspiring to be a chef, beat out Die Hard: Live Free or Die Hard for the top spot. To capitalize on the success of the film, New York City will allow rats to cook and serve food in all city restaurants.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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Here are today’s top entertainment headlines:

• The Spice Girls have announced that they will be reuniting and touring. The group will perform 11 shows in December and January. Religion has warned for centuries that there were four horsemen of the apocalypse. They were wrong – there’s five.

• Fashion designer Liz Claiborne died Tuesday, at 78. Claiborne is credited with revolutionizing the working woman’s wardrobe. Claiborne died doing what she loved most… whipping 10-year-old Taiwanese children, while yelling at them, “So sew faster!”

• Dark Horse Comics has joined forces with eBay for a chance to win dinner with superstar writer Joss Whedon.  Whedon, who’s best known for creating the character of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, will have dinner with the winning bidder during this year’s San Diego Comic Convention.  It is expected that the final bid on the dinner will be over $1000, or whatever the winner’s parents are willing to pay to finally get their 30-year-old child out of their basement.

That’s all for today’s news, stay tuned to this channel for all the news that matters least but you still care about.

(Compiled by J. Allen)

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