I’m back! For those wondering (all twelve of you) where this column had disappeared to, the answer is a sad and lonely one. I didn’t receive any friend requests!

It’s true, this column is dependent on bands spamming me and for two months… no one bothered. I was tempted to review some bands I was already friends with but that would have been cheating (and it would have resulted in one of these being 100% positive and I couldn’t do that to you). So I had to play the waiting game. And now, just like buses and a group of men in a porno, they’ve all come at once.

I actually got 8 requests in the space of two weeks so now I have to try and catch up with myself. It’s a mad, mad world.

Considering it’s been so long, I should probably remind everyone why this exists:
I decided to review every band/musician/DJ that tries to add me as a friend on MySpace in order to cast an ear on artists who want to be heard and make them take the responsibility for the (mostly crap) music I’m exposed to on a regular basis.

Sure, it got a little less regular recently but still…
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JULIET’S RESCUE
www.myspace.com/julietsrescue

It’s been a long time since I had a band to review so this was a nice one to start with. Juliet’s Rescue are a five piece from Kildare, Ireland. Now, admittedly they do that pet peeve of mine which is sing like they’re American. But, if you take one look at the lead singer you can tell, well, that’s just his thing. So just this once I’m not going to bitch about it and just take the music on it’s own merit.

Of the four songs presented I have to single out “A Decent Proposal” as the stand-out track. It’s all very listenable and “Make Yourself A Hero” would probably get in my head a lot more (as it has done) but “A Decent Proposal” is probably their most grown-up song. They’re a fun band and I think if I was a teenager I would turn into a groupie but it’s like finding Limp Bizkit when you’re in your 30s, some bands have to be found when you’re a teenager or you’ll never have that connection with them. Which is why I’m singling out “A Decent Proposal” because I think, if it played on the radio, I’d be interested.

I mentioned them being a band for younger folk and I don’t mean that in a bad way. We all know the deal. There is a demographic for certain music. And it’s kind of the problem with critiquing music in general, not all music is for you. Juliet’s Rescue are a good band. Solid music, decent lyrics, they’re solid. But, I’m not moved by them and I don’t think that’s a slight on the band. It’s just not for me.

Although, it doesn’t help when you could be the guitarist’s father. What is he? Twelve? For those wondering, he’s the guy second from the right. Look at him! Bless. One day, when he grows up, he’ll probably punch me in the face for this. But I figure I’ve got several years before this happens. In the mean time… coochie coochie coo!

Presentation = 4/5
Content = Great looking page but I would have liked more music, it also froze a lot on me
Music = 4/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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KOOPR
www.myspace.com/koopr

When I first took a look at Koopr’s page I saw the top hat, the band lineup of guitarist and drummer, and the “quirky” style. The term “cheap White Stripes” couldn’t be further from my brain, I assure you. But if I was a lesser man, a man of bitter mind, then maybe I would have said that. Or worse.

When I played “Selling Secrets For A Smile” my fears were not put at ease. It had the distinct familiarity of recent Jack White side projects. My poisoned pen was at the ready (not a euphemism I swear). Not that it’s a bad song, it’s good but it’s just too similar to other artists for me. It even reminded me a lot of past Musical MySpace Tour alumni MTM. You want your music to stand out and this didn’t do that.

However, things quickly mellow out and KOOPR save themselves. To go from “Selling Secrets For A Smile” to “Get It Right” you’d be forgiven for thinking you’re listening to two different bands. But the next two songs follow “Get It Right”s lead and you finally get an idea to what KOOPR really are.

There are still problems. In their little bio page they say that Bill Hicks’ “Relentless” is their favourite album. I’m not going to put down Bill Hicks’ but it’s not music and no matter how cool you think it is to be “different” they would have annoyed me less if they just didn’t mention it.

The lyrics are OK but to be honest I feel they drag the music down. Instrumentally I can’t really fault these guys much. Is it mean to say I wished he’d just shut up? Who am I kidding? This is the Musical MySpace tour. If I didn’t say something dickish I’d be fired.

In the end I guess the style is destroying my enjoyment of the substance. I think the page design is fancy but it doesn’t match their good songs like “dissolve”. It’s a false sense of identity and I can’t get with that.

Presentation = 4/5
Content = They could have done with a video, it might have helped
Music = 2/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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GEMMA MEWSE
www.myspace.com/gemmamewse

Gemma Mewse is a woman of her time. Or is that location? It’s hard to tell. Following in the footsteps of other fantastic female singer/songwriters from Britain in the last five years or so Gemma is a woman of acerbic lyrics and musings rather than the power ballad, love song singing ladies of old. This is a good thing.

I was a little frustrated to see only one song is available in full on her playlist. However, she does give us a few videos of full songs so I guess it evens out. The song we have in full is called “Numpty”. It’s a sharp tongued hate letter that gets your foot tapping. It’s things like this that can get me behind Ms Mewse.

She also comes up with lyrics of some nice sharp wit. The song “Stranger Things” contains this little ditty that I quite appreciate “doesnt mean that its retro just cause it says so on the label”. Not much in the large scale of things, but it’s the little notches of personality that gets me excited by musicians. An opinion or a passion that isn’t just “hey lets all love each other” or “it’s a rockin’ world”.

Now, I’d be remiss not to mention that, as stated earlier, we have heard this sort of thing a lot recently. Kate Nash and company have been towing this line for a while now. Does Gemma Mewse stand out from this crowd? Unfortunately not. She would still be a support act rather than a headliner. But it’s early days and she’s a young woman with a good voice. She’s only 18 for crying out loud! With a good starting base like this she could go on to bigger things. Lets check in again next year.

Presentation = 2/5
Content = Lots of videos but the page needs a better layout
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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EDDIEKITSNER
www.myspace.com/eddiekitsner

No, it’s not a typo. Eddie Harris is “eddiekitsner”. As far as DJ names go, it’s the worst I’ve ever come across. But is his music the worst I’ve come across?

It’s mostly horrible. I could go into the repetitive crap that’s on offer here but it’s just not worth it. Bad, home-made rubbish. I’d rather spend my time reviewing something people might enjoy so I’ll leave it at this.

On a side note: I’ve never understood the obsession DJs have with girls in bikinis. His profile picture is one and there are more with his logo painted on top throughout. Maybe it’s just the feminist in me but it rubs me up the wrong way. Nothing I can’t stand more than a chauvinist culture.

Presentation = 2/5
Content = Arse
Music = 1/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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SHERLOCK OMZ
www.myspace.com/sherlockomz

I love some good hip-hop in my Friend Request inbox. It always gives me something a little bit different to listen to than all the generic rock bands out there in the MySpace space. I love some of the UK hip-hop I’ve heard recently too as Dizzee Rascal and friends have been making some of the American stuff seem passé.

Sherlock Omz isn’t British hip-hop though, he’s faux gangster rap from the 90s. And that’s frustrating because if he took himself a little less seriously then this could be listenable. The guy has some decent rhymes mixed in with some god-awful ones. One line gave me a good chuckle though “I’m downing competition like pints in my local”. See, if he had more stuff like that I’d love it!

In the one song that he seems to relax with, called “Motion Spitures”, Omz finally finds a groove. Despite it being a two minute song with what only sounds like one verse it at least has the fun vibe that is severely lacking elsewhere. Also, yeah, you like weed. We get it. You can stop mentioning now.

I can’t recommend checking out his videos enough. For those who are fans of “Its So Cold In The D” there are treats that await you. I love music videos made with no money and these are… beyond description. Thank me later… Oh but try not to vomit from the terrible layout of the page.

Presentation = 1/5
Content = Loads here but whether it’s worth the eye explosion is another thing
Music = 2/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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– Aaron Poole
– If you want to be in the firing line for one of Aaron’s reviews, send a friend request to www.myspace.com/aaronhbp and he will reload for next time.

I’m currently packing for a trip to Atlanta tomorrow in order to take part in www.RedNoseNet.com so I didn’t have time this week to talk about the album “Volume 2” from She & Him (which is going to be my soundtrack for this summer, I can already tell) and the new album coming out from The Bluetones called A New Athens (which I got a pre-general release listen to and knocked my socks off). It’s a shame because by the time I do another one of these they’ll be old news. Just go listen to them yourself and thank me later. Luckily though I only had a few requests in my inbox this time round so let’s get cracking.

This is my MySpace music review column. There are many like it, but this one’s mines. My MySpace page is my best friend. It is my life. I must master my friends list as I must master my life. Without me, my MySpace is useless, without my MySpace, I am useless. I must fire my reviews true. I must shoot straighter than my readers who are trying to kill me, I must shoot the musicians before they shoot me. I will. Before God I swear this creed: My music review column and myself are the defenders of MySpace, we are the masters of our enemy, we are the saviors of my ears. So be it, until there is no friend requests, but peace. Amen
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WRIL
www.myspace.com/wrillove

Wril is an R&B crooner from Chicago. I don’t get too many R&B singers sending me requests. Due to this being such an unusual event I feel I should do something a little different with this critique. I’m going to summon the pop gods of American Idol in order to truly give Wril the grilling he deserves.

Randy Jackson: Yo dawg, listen up. You know I like you right? I like what you’re doing. Some sexy ballads with an old school vibe. You and me are old school, right dawg? But yo, listen up. You were on pitch most of the time, I can’t fault you for that but I felt it lacked a bit of power is places. I needed it to punch through to the other side. But overall I thought it was nice. Good job. What you think, E?

Ellen Degeneres: Are you wrilly Wril? I wrilly don’t know. But I do know that I liked it. Your performance had some touching moments. I enjoyed it. It was definitely entertaining. But your name is wrilly silly.

Kara DioGuardi: First of all, let me make gestures with my hands for about 5 minutes. Then make ridiculous constipated faces… I really felt your emotion when singing. I felt like you really connected with your music and that this was a work of passion for you. Don’t you just want to punch me in the face though? I mean, seriously, how annoying am I?

Simon Cowell: If we’re being honest with each other here, and we are, that wasn’t great. It was OK, you sang it well and it was genuine but I’ve heard this a million times before and a million times better. I just don’t see how I can make enough money out of you for this to be worth it. Please fuck off.

And that’s kind of how I felt about it all. Nice to listen to, I can’t fault the guy for being sincere, but unfortunately nothing really stood out as being amazing. As a result it means the whole thing has to be classified as a bit average. But I wouldn’t put the guy down.

And Wrily really is a silly name. Made worse by song titles “She’s The Wril Deal”, “I Wrilly Want To Be Yours” and “Wril Love”. Barf.

Presentation = 4/5
Content = Some lame bio but plenty of music on show.
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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ALX GEE
www.myspace.com/alxgee7780

If you think you have heard Alx Gee’s songs before, it’s possibly because you’ve heard them blaring from the inside of a Fiat Punto as it’s tracksuit bedazzled driver sped past you. Yes, Mr Gee is a purveyor of dance music.

It would be fair to say that I have no interest in this. In any way shape or form. Unless I’m rat-arsed drunk in a club, dance music doesn’t speak to me. Not this kind anyway. I could mention the good stuff like Daft Punk, Faithless, Chemical Brothers etc but because they’re so good they transcend dance music and incorporate a little bit of everything. They’re more than just “put your hands in the air” cheesy house techno.

As a result of my feelings, I was never going to give this a fair shake. It sounds like something I used to make with the Music game on my Playstation 1.

There is also a weird thing I noticed (and no, I’m not talking about his name). In the “Friends” section of his profile he has a second profile of himself. Interested, I clicked to find that it’s the exact same profile in every way except he has two different songs rather than the three he has on the other page. What is the point of this?

Also, how does this dude have over 225,000 plays on each song? That’s insane for an unsigned artist. I mean, the guy has a desperate plea for a manager in his bio. How is he pulling this off? I’ve got to tip my hat to him for this at the very least.

There isn’t much to his page though. Three songs, no videos and his pictures are set to private (I had to google search for a picture to put in this article). Meh. Back to the loch with you Nessie.

Presentation = 3/5
Content = Shite all.
Music = 2/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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POETIC K
www.myspace.com/poetic_k

This woman is a bit of a bombshell. There seems to be a trend with this column that every week I get at least one friend request from a musician that just stumps me. Poetic K is a head scratcher. First of all let me try and describe the music or at least categorize it.

Poetic is a good moniker to give herself as there is a major hint that Ms. K is some sort of modern beatnik punk poet. Most of her songs sound like poems being recited to an alt rock soundtrack. She never really sings and she doesn’t really shout. It’s a kind of Marilyn Monroe performance; if she hung out with some goths. I don’t think she could squeeze any more sex or cutesy tone into her voice if she got a crowbar and Tweetie Pie.

Now I’ve never believed there to be much influence from a producer in rock music. Hip-Hop, certainly, but not rock. However, if ever there was someone screaming out for the need of a producer it’s this lady. Or at the very least better sound equipment because whoever put this together leaves things very loose. Now I understand that she’s probably going for that freaky, free style but it just comes across as sloppy. Sound dips and raises in bizarre places, it’s so off that I refuse to believe it’s on purpose.

I think if this was my first week doing this, I would probably have torn Poetic K a new one but to be honest I think she honestly has to be put in perspective. While I don’t think I’ll ever be on board for this kind of artsy rock I have to give her kudos for at the very least being an original sound. I come by so many sound-a-likes and generic bands that to have someone who even gets my attention and makes me think is a bit of a winner.

Give her a listen. At worst, you’ll know what’s going on in Berlin.

Presentation = 1/5
Content = Messy lay out but I suppose there is more than enough here to keep you occupied.
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DISAPPEARED!

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– If you want to be in the firing line for one of Aaron’s reviews, send a friend request to www.myspace.com/aaronhbp and he will reload for next time.

I’m not going to mess around this week. I have no soapbox to stand on or issue I feel the need to rant about. Instead, I’m just going to nonchalantly dismiss some musicians in a self serving manner. Who needs therapy when you have a column on FRED?

Once again, all bands reviewed are done so solely on the basis that they tried to add me as a friend on MySpace.
The fools.
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M T M
www.myspace.com/mexicantimemachine

The Mexican Time Machine look like 3 homeless dudes. There is a possibility that they really are 3 homeless dudes and this is some sort of community outreach program: getting hobos to play music in order to relieve their smelly blues. The thing is, they’re the best homeless guy band I’ve ever heard. I just wish they’d wash.

I honestly don’t know what I expected to hear when I clicked play. The name was weird. They looked weird. I expected something weird. I got something great. I’ve decided I’m going to give you a play-by-play of the setlist.

The first few songs are live recordings and are pretty damn clear compared to some of the live crap I’ve heard on here before. In The City-Brown Cow took me by surprise as it goes from being a nice old fashioned bluesy kind of feel to some crazy metal highs. Car Chase does what it says on the tin, it’s a great instrumental soundtrack to an imaginary drag race (I’m half tempted to dub it over the Grease end-of-movie race to see if it fits).

The next two tracks take me completely into Presidents Of The United States Of America territory. Crystal is instantly catchy and fun. 2 In The Oven ,while sticking out like a sore thumb as being the biggest sound departure, has the exact same effect. Honestly, listen. I dare you not to tap your foot and hum it for the rest of the day. I love dirty beats and this has a filthy one. I’m talking Jenna Haze filthy.

We’re then given another movie soundtrack style instrumental in Waltz and Valley. It’s funny how a song with no words can give you such a clear picture in your head. It does really show off the guitar playing, which is very impressive.

Then we get the demo version of Crystal again, which is slightly different as it’s stripped down to almost only vocals.

So that’s it. I liked it. I had fun. We shared some laughs. Had a few beers. Hugged a little towards the end. It was emotional. I went back to my house and they went back to their cardboard boxes in the alley. Who could ask for more?

Presentation = 0/5
Content = Drab looking page but enough songs and some videos with bad sound.
Music = 4/5
Friend Request = ACCEPTED!

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EDEN
www.myspace.com/edenofficial

Eden are the duo of Ian Henderson and Mark Power. They plan on burning your face with their neon electro-pop straight out of the 80s via a fucked up Delorian. If you like synthesizers or gay bars you’ll absolutely love Eden. My problem is that I’m not excited by either.

Sure, I love my 80s pop but the Pet Shop Boys didn’t really do it for me and Erasure were fun for the campness but where are they now? The thing about Eden is they’re slightly too serious about their euro-dance shenanigans for my liking. There is nothing wrong with taking your music seriously and this is obviously a genre they hold dear to their hearts as it is clearly a great example of it. But I don’t take the genre seriously myself so without a tongue in any cheek here; I just don’t care.

I’ve got to hand it to them though, they have the aesthetic down. The page looks exactly how you would want a band like this to look. The music is solid too with a nice hook to most songs. If I Was A Pet Shop Boy is still stuck in my head a week later. I’d be lying if I said the vocals didn’t annoy me though. They’re weak, not out of tune but just powerless. If Eden had someone with a big set of pipes behind them, I think this might have made a bit more sense. Or at least had that impact weapon available, which could make things interesting.

Again, these guys seem to love what they do and they’re a good example of it. I would just rather not listen to it myself. They’re not good enough to be as po-faced as they are and they’re not camp enough to make it fun. Which is a shame.

Presentation = 4/5
Content = Enough songs but no videos.
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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JUNKIES SWEET TOOTH
www.myspace.com/junkiessweettooth

What’s in a name? When it comes to bands, not a hell of a lot. The Beatles would have been just as awesome if their name was The Petunias. On the flip side, no kind of amazing name would cover the fact that The Script are horse manure. In the end, it’s the music that talks.

I have to say though, the title Junkies Sweet Tooth for a band does conjure images. I expected some sort of punk or death metal band. It’s on the wrong side of pretentious.

To their credit, the music is better than the name. It actually doesn’t have much of a connection to it. It offers this strange juxtaposition though because at the top of the page is a massive logo which is even worse. A photoshopped image of a guy hanging his head in the middle of a grimy alley. The band are obviously trying to convey an image, an attitude or raison d’être. But they’re fooling themselves in their attempt to fool us.

The music is lively, toe-tapping, bluesy kind of rock. There are solid, catchy guitar riffs and toe tapping rhythm. The singer has a good tone to his voice even if the lyrics are awkward and pedestrian. It’s not bad, I enjoyed listening to it.

But I’m left with that question. Why are they trying to be what they’re not? The only connection I saw was in their self titled song. And while this is a clunky story telling ramble it still comes across more preachy than tough.

It’s all a bit of a conundrum. I’m mostly nitpicking but that’s my job. Besides, they withdrew their friend request before this article was put up. You don’t reject me, I reject you!

Presentation = 3/5
Content = A couple of songs.
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DISAPPEARED!

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SELBY GREEN
www.myspace.com/selbygreen

“The best up and coming rock’n’roll band in Yorkshire”. I laughed and laughed and then I laughed some more. It’s not that their claim is wrong, they could well indeed be the best up and coming rock’n’roll band in Yorkshire. I’m not going to tell them they’re wrong. It’s the need to clarify exactly what they mean that made me chuckle. There is so much bravado and then so little all in the same sentence. I am also the greatest MySpace music reviewer on the whole internet who is typing this on a train. That’s how great I am. No one else on a train, typing a music review of bands from MySpace, is better than me.

When it gets time to actually listen to the music (as I wipe away my tears) I’m pleasantly surprised. They’re not bad. Nothing revolutionary but definitely listenable. The lead singer does sound slightly Americanized (which is a pet peeve of mine) but every now and then you’ll get a word or two with the Yorkshire twang. The sound is pretty clean if slightly generic but it doesn’t grate and I think I could sit through a set of theirs at a show without a complaint.

The key word is “think” though, as they only have two songs available to play on their profile. It always irks me a little that a band can create a Twitter page but can’t put more than two songs up on a MySpace page. You’re a band, I don’t want to read about what you’re doing in 140 characters or less, I want to hear your music.

Because of this stumbling block it’s hard to rate the music of Selby Green. It’s ok, I guess, but I don’t think I know enough to care.

Presentation = 3/5
Content = Fuck all.
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

– If you’d like to make Aaron’s life even more boring than it is by inflicting your music upon him, send him a friend request at www.myspace.com/aaronhbp. The next time he has a free moment he’ll curse your name as he includes you in this column.

Contrary to popular belief, despite the fact that I write this internationally acclaimed column, the overnight success that is the new comic Hands Down and the glory of being an imaginary talking head on countless podcasts, I don’t have a lot of spending cash. Unfortunately, this means I don’t get to catch as many concerts as I did in my rent free youth. One concert I did manage to stump up my cash for recently was Brendan Benson playing in Vicar Street, Dublin.

This gig was originally scheduled for a venue not even half the size of Vicar Street but got bumped up pretty quickly due to ticket sales. This pleased me to great end as the last time Brendan played in the city he was in The Village. A nice venue admittedly but one much smaller than what he, arguably, deserves. I was there that night. It was his tour for his third album The Alternative To Love, an LP pre-Racontours and also pre-world domination. This tour is for his 4th album, and first since the previously mentioned super group, My Old Familiar Friend. So would this new album on the back of such exposure kick Mr Benson into the stratosphere?

No, would be the answer if you read too much into the crowd in Vicar Street. Yeah, it was a large crowd but it wasn’t sold out and the reaction of these people? I have never been so embarrassed to be part of a crowd in my life. They were dull. They didn’t move, make noise, anything. It was painful.

Brendan on the other hand was fantastic. He played an amazingly dense set of his best songs past and present. I would have said it was a great crowd pleasing set but you couldn’t tell with these statues.

The thing is, despite being a fantastic song writer, he just doesn’t have that electricity on stage that can make people go wild. Great songs and a humble attitude but the panties aren’t going to drop. I think the problem lies in the fact that he is a notoriously tough guy to interview. A shyness and awkwardness prevail in moments when he is wanted to be a bag of ego in sunglasses. In some ways it’s what we all want in a musician. That bravado that encapsulates what rock and roll is to so many people. It’s fitting then, in a way, that he opened the night’s proceedings with Folk Singer. The song begins with “Like a folk singer song I’m moving on and I’m not the type of man who acts very strong when the girls are looking on”. Maybe that’s the problem, Brendan.

I can’t recommend him enough, however, as he truly is an amazing musician. He’s no Bono but he’s what I’m looking for. Have a listen here www.myspace.com/brendanbenson

In the mean time, I have friend requests I need to dissect. So lets get into it.
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KAT CROSS
www.myspace.com/myspacekatcross

Kat is a classically trained musician from Toulouse, France. Playing on the road with a group called Talkative she seemingly has been playing lots of dates around Ireland recently.

It would be hard to describe a genre to sink Kat into. I don’t know if “eclectic” is a genre in itself but I’ve already bought the rubber stamp so I’m going to hit her with it. The thing is, about eclecticity, is that it often goes hand in hand with being hit and miss. The highs, such as the title song of her album Déjá Vu, are really good. Melodically layered and genuinely expressive. The lows however are forgetful and messy.

She obviously has a talent and an artistic sort of expression I’ve come to expect from French musicians. Previous MMT additions such as The Agency show that this can work out superbly. The thing is though, I don’t feel any connection to the music. This is a bit of a personal thing as despite my apathy there is plenty of feeling in her work. But nothing makes me want to go listen again after a day or two’s absence and that’s not a good sign.

She writes in her profile “When played live, these compositions find some intriguing alterations and a sometimes radical new direction to the originals” which, despite being kinda pretentious, is actually pretty accurate. Songs get louder and heavier (if the video clip-show is anything to go by) thanks to Talkative getting down with their bad selves.

There is lots of interesting stuff here. Kat Cross is someone I’d even go as far to say as being under-exposed for someone of her talent. Unfortunately, it’s just not for me. But I bet there will be plenty of you out there who will enjoy it. So go give her a listen.

Presentation = 4/5
Content = Enough to keep you occupied for an hour.
Music = 4/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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RAY DUNNE
www.myspace.com/ray.dunne

When I first went to Ray’s page and saw the Country/Punk/Blues tag, I have to admit that I was apprehensive. First of all, country and punk don’t go together. Secondly, I dislike country. I’m a city boy. Country never spoke to me. I don’t wear a hat unless it’s cold. Even the great Johnny Cash never stirred my soul. But Ray Dunne is from County Kildare and it being the week of St Patrick I feel I must give my countryman a chance.

For a man who looks to be younger than middle age (no details are given) he has an amazingly grizzled voice. Either he smokes 40 a day or he once had a run in with Obi Wan on a mining planet. The voice works though. I think you need a voice that sounds like you’ve had a tough life to sell the blues properly. Otherwise it’s not authentic.

To be honest, the country tag isn’t too accurate anyway. There has always been a fine line with country and traditional Irish ballads. Ray jumps back and forth across this line sufficiently to make his songs palatable. I’ve said before that there is nothing worse than musicians singing songs that aren’t relatable to their own life and background. English punk bands saying words like “mom” and singing with an accent, for example. It’s not you, so don’t do it. Ray, however, feels distinctly Irish. Yes there are influences but this is his own.

Even on your first play of these songs, you’re singing along by the end. There is something distinctly primal about these kind of folk songs. Especially in Ireland, I don’t know if it’s the same elsewhere, genetically we’re built with an urge to sing-a-long to this sort of thing. It’s an artform in itself but these songs are crafted perfectly for a group chanting. Maddeningly catchy.

Frustratingly he has only 3 songs available to listen on his profile and a 4th which is an album preview, essentially a bunch of songs clipped together. The really stupid thing is 2 of these songs are part of the 3 you can play in full. Get it together, man.

Go give Nothing Left To Say and Juliet a listen. You’ll get them stuck in your head for a day. Then go send him a message for more because, while impressive, there isn’t enough here to convert me.

Presentation = 2/5
Content = One picture, lots of quotes and not enough songs. Needs to work on this page.
Music = 4/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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MILK
www.myspace.com/milkmyspacemusic

Milk are a four piece from Dublin, Ireland. They have a good guitarist and seem to gig regularly in and around the city.

Right, so that’s the positives out of the way.

I can’t listen to this without getting Soft Rocked By Me by Jonathan Coulton in my head. This is soft rock by numbers. The lead singer never raises his voice above a whisper. In fact, you know how bad actors are when they try to convey they’re thirsty, they do that “…water” thing? Well he sings like he’s constantly dehydrated. This whiney noise doesn’t grate on me as much as it should purely because at the end of almost every line in these songs there is a repeat of the last phrase by a back up voice. It cracks me up how much they use this tactic. For example, in No Words, even the first word is repeated!

It’s hard to spend much time reviewing this. The lyrics are terribly cheesy. Lots of stuff about walls separating us and such. It’s just terrible.

It took everything in me not to review this band with only the phrase “shit sandwich”. I must be growing or something.

Presentation = 1/5
Content = Very basic page. But at least they included some videos.
Music = 1.5/5 (and that 1 is purely for the guitarist)
Friend Request = DENIED!

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IN THE AUDIENCE
www.myspace.com/intheaudience

In The Audience is a band lead by the young Jordan Stowell of Portland, Maine. I mention that it’s lead by him because it really seems more like a solo project than a band of any kind. Jordan plays the type of songs you’d expect to hear on an indie movie soundtrack. Jingly, summery tunes of acoustic optimism. Very listenable.

The hippy love train is exactly what you would expect from a town like Portland. It can get too much in places but that depends more on your frame of mind than In The Audience. They clearly have a sound and I don’t think there is any need to change it. If it was on the radio I wouldn’t turn it off and their song Shine sounds radio ready.

Maybe it’s because I’ve had to listen to In The Audience a lot today in order to review it but suddenly I feel the need to hug a stranger. I helped pull a thorn out of an animal’s paw on the way home. Helped an old lady cross the street… Could someone slap me in the face to snap me out of this?

You can download their album On A Cliff By The Sea from their page for free. So you can jump on this rainbow of happiness yourself. When you’re there don’t forget to donate your old clothes to the local charity shop.

I need a shower.

Presentation = 3/5
Content = Not loads but what’s there is laid out well.
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

– When Aaron finally snaps out of his loved-up daze he’ll be doing another one of these as soon as you send him your friend request. Pop over to www.myspace.com/aaronhbp and add the man.

There are occasions that I wonder if I do this column because I love MySpace or if I do it because I needed to find a use for MySpace.

It’s true when people say that the place is a waste-ground these days. Most people have migrated to Facebook. And yeah, Facebook is good and all but it’s still not designed for music. This is what MySpace is fantastic for. There is nothing out there that is designed as accessible for music as MySpace and in the end this is what I’m hoping to highlight here.
Little nobodies can have a page that looks and can be used as well as a professional’s page. Unfortunately they can also be disasters. Some people aren’t helping themselves out, for example dotdotdot (http://www.myspace.com/dotdotdotnz), who sent me a friend request. I click the link only to find a huge banner to say that the band will not be using this url anymore and have changed to a new one. They have, however, only tried to add me with this seemingly dead profile. No review for you.

It’s a shame that no-one this week had a video on their page to go along with their music play-lists. I find they can be a great help with getting to know a band/musician and connect with them a little bit. But as with my experience, a lot of folks think the music will speak for itself. When you’re dealing with MySpace bands though, maybe they’re better off staying quiet.
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KARL ELAND
www.myspace.com/karlelandireland

There is a section on MySpace band profiles that allows you to list your musical influences. It’s helpfully labelled “Influences”. It can often be interesting to see the type of music a musician listens to themselves. Unfortunately it can also have a massive downside because you instantly draw comparisons. Comparisons are fine when it’s “he writes songs with a similar theme to…” or “this particular drum beat can be likened to…” etc. It’s not fine, however, when you listen and think “he sounds exactly like…” and unfortunately this is the case for Karl Eland.

Karl, from Preston in England, is like mini-Springsteen. He’s not The Boss though, he’s just an assistant manager. I wouldn’t say Karl is doing an impression of Bruce Springsteen but when he lists him in his “Influences” section, he REALLY means it.

The songs aren’t bad though. In fact, Springsteen could probably add these to an album and nobody would blink. The main thing that holds Karl back, for me, is that his voice isn’t as strong as the songs he’s singing. A bit more power would add endlessly more conviction to what are essentially songs written about blue-collar rebellion. The sound is decent, especially considering how much production money I’m sure he has behind him. Overall, it’s hard to complain… if it wasn’t for the fact that I just can’t get the Springsteen comparisons out of my head. And unfortunately, when you’re being compared to such a legendary name in music you’re only going to come off poorly.

On a side note; I’ve noticed this a few times before. This is not Eland’s only MySpace page. He has them for different countries. Karlelandusa and just plain karleland also exist. What is the point of this? You’re just splitting up your hits. Surely this is a waste of time?

Presentation = 3/5
Content = Not a lot. 3 songs and not much else.
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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WASHINGTON’S CROSSING
www.myspace.com/washingtons2crossing

If the pictures are anything to go by, Washington’s Crossing have had a bit of a revolving line-up. That can be a worrying factor as it could indicate to something “not quite right” within the group but it could also keep things interesting musically if each new member has their own input into the songs.

The first song on the play-list is a little ditty called Who is the Antichrist which, I swear to Buddha, sounds just like a Spinal Tap song to me. I actually had to double check it wasn’t a cover. When I was looking at pictures of the band I thought that this sound didn’t match up with the image. Then the next song played called We’re all welcome here, a jangly, almost reggae, island number and I realised… none of this matches up! Not the band, not the music. It’s like a mix-tape of crap.

Either they’re a subtle, subversive parody band or they don’t get the joke. It’s hard to tell. I feel like if I saw this band play Don’t Say in the background of the bar in Cocktail neither I nor Tom Cruise would blink. Although that might just have something to do with the coke in Tom’s case. Allegedly.

I could go on about the possible religious angle to the band but it’s probably not worth starting that snowball. Needless to say “the devil is evil”, as a concept, is mentioned a lot. Rock on with your good selves.
I will say though, as a rare positive, whoever plays guitar on Not that I’m Crazy does a classy job. It’s even a catchy tune. So it’s not all bad.

Presentation = 2/5
Content = Loads of pictures and enough songs but no video, which would have been welcomed.
Music = 2/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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BACON MOON
www.myspace.com/baconmoon

Bacon Moon is a band I tried to review before (during the hard drive debacle of January 10) and I remember at the time being, for once, mildly positive. It’s nice to get a second chance. However, if memory serves me right, it seems that they have changed the songs on their play-list since then. So, I must start this review fresh and pretend like I wasn’t paying attention the first time because I really do take my time to review all these bands fairly and with no bias.

Honestly.

Stop looking at me like that.

This may surprise a lot of people, including the band, but there is a lot of stuff here that I like. Despite the sound being distinctly low-tech garage band, they have that feel from a golden age of rock (for me) which is the early 90s grunge era. I’m not saying that Bacon Moon sound like a grunge bad, not in the slightest, but they are definitely influenced by other bands from that period. Simple Life could be a Pavement song and Like To Try it could be taken from an IRS era R.E.M. album. It’s in Simple Life also where I think the lead singer does his best job and is the highlight of the play-list for me. I understand that each member contributes to the vocals and I appreciate that not every singer can have a Meatloaf range but I’m a firm believer in people knowing their range and working with it. In some songs such as Stuck his voice becomes a whine and it completely grates on you. I’m sure it’s a different person taking lead on each song but as a MySpace browser it’s hard to distinguish who from who so I’m going to assume that maybe someone should stick to back-up.

Overall it’s just hard to get a handle on Bacon Moon. There is a touch of everything in the songs and in the end it just adds up to something clustered and messy. I don’t know if this is because of a looseness in the instruments or just that maybe the band members aren’t taking themselves seriously enough. I get the impression that Nick, Jon and “db” might be just having fun. If so, kudos to them for enjoying themselves but I honestly believe that if they put their minds to it they could make a really good CD.

I think I’m going to dig out my copy of Murmur.

Presentation = 1/5
Content = Not a lot. A good few songs though.
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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THE TIRADES
www.myspace.com/tirades

Was this recorded on a phone? Dear god. It’s so tinny and just maxes out every five seconds.

I can’t review this as it’s murder on my ears. I might even have given them a good score, because what I could make out through all the noise seemed good but if you can’t get your act together and create a decent recording of it you’re not getting a good score from me.
This sort of thing is important, lads.

There are some better recorded songs on the play-list but they seem to be credited to a different band, which is a previous incarnation.
No, this is all wrong.

*runs for the exit*

Presentation = 0/5
Content = An “About Me” section… and noise.
Music = 1/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

– If you’d like to have your music reviewed (or at the very least made fun of) by Aaron on this column, just head over to www.myspace.com/aaronhbp and send him a friend request. He’ll then add you to his list of problems.

That’s right. I’m back.

The only regular article on the internet entirely powered by the “send friend request” button on MySpace*. Indeed, I will only review bands and musicians who try to become an e-friend with me on MySpace. I will only review them and I will review ALL of them. The good and the bad. And if you have a MySpace profile yourself then you’ll know that the majority of them are fucking terrible.

However, I’m going to attempt to add some light and fun to the mission by forgetting that these fine folks have feelings. Is it wrong of me to be so harsh? Probably, but they spammed me on a social networking site and on the internet these days… there are no rules. I mean, have you seen all that porn?

Sometimes though, I can be just plain wrong and in my last article I credited the guitar work on a song called kick to Chris Geddes and not the artist herself, Femmepop. And while he did feature on the song it was Femmepop who did all the strumming. Apologies to her, and if you’d like to check out the song yourself just head on over to www.myspace.com/femmepop.

While the GRAMMYs were on over the weekend I paid no attention to it whatsoever. Never have so few been nominated so much for so little. All I will mention is that in 2010, The Ting Tings and MGMT are NOT new artists.

But lets see what our 5th stop on the tour has in store for us. Something crap? Something fantastic? Or something fantastically crap?

*To my knowledge and if I don’t know about it, it doesn’t exist.
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LOS FAHINA
www.myspace.com/losfahina

Welcome to your new favourite band.

This seven piece band claim to come from Tabasco, Mexico and are made up of members Juan Lennon, Paolo McCartney, Gringo Starr, Juan Ponchovi, 50 Pesos and Malcolm. In their friend request they tell me “We gratest band in South America, that undenyible”. I don’t know where they are really from, I’m starting to think it’s somewhere in the UK, but I find it hard to disagree with their logic. You MUST listen to them.

They have 4 original songs and 3 inspired covers/parodies. Their play-list opens with “I Like To Do Sexx Up A Girls” and if there was ever a song which could truly give you a taste for what you’re in for, it’s this. With the fantastically fake Mexican accents and rude/bizarre lyrics you will either instantly fall in love or hate them forever. I landed in the former. They would have won me over pretty easily just by covering “Deeply Dippy” (a Right Said Fred song which I have gone on record before to claim is one of the greatest pop songs ever written) but they made it their own once again adopting a very skewed approach to songwriting by making it about a pensioner. The electric keyboard added to panpipes with authentically paced songs (or at least stereotypically paced songs) just creates a style more infectious than any “serious” band I’ve heard in the last couple of years.

I would LOVE to catch Los Fahina live. They play in full get-up including sombreros, ponchos and moustaches. If you check out their picture folders you’ll seen some inspired photo-shopping of the band in different scenarios. My favourite being them outside a shanty EMI building.

Some of the videos are even better than the songs. Just the fact that they covered the theme tune for Home & Away makes them heroes in my book.

Now I don’t want for a second to make the impression that just because these guys are a “comedy” band that the musicianship isn’t there. In fact I might even argue that what they do here takes more skill than the generic rock that I often find doing these reviews. It’s hard to make songs sound as amazingly bad as they do here.

Catchy, witty and all round entertaining. I can’t say enough things to encourage you to go check out Las Fahina. Just do it already! It’s criminal that their site hits are so low.

Presentation = 4/5
Content = A good amount of videos and songs.
Music = 4/5
Friend Request = ACCEPTED!

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POWERAGE
www.myspace.com/powerageband

Powerage hail from New South Wales, Australia and are made up of two sets of brothers whose ages range from 13 to 19. Now this is an important point as it really effects my review of this band in both positive and negative ways.

The type of music that Messrs Crawford and Minett play is essentially 80s metal. The sort of thing you would hear Iron Maiden or AC/DC do. In fact the lead singer has a little hint of Bruce Dickinson in him. Now if you’re not familiar with 80s metal it’s essentially about partying hard and seeing women as objects. What was beautiful about it was that you genuinely believed that the bands of that era lived the rock and roll lifestyle to it’s fullest. If they weren’t in a pool with naked women and a sunken Lamborghini, well you were disappointed. Most of those guys died trying to live up to our expectations. So I find it strange that such young guys as Powerage are play this sort of thing as well as they do.

Their songs like Rock Star Living sing of “wasted youth”. An interesting lyric to use considering they’re currently living their own. The music is convincing, it’s clear that they have been raised on the source material (in fact you’ll see a picture of their dads in one of their folders and they look like survivors of the industry themselves). The boys can even be seen in vintage rock t-shirts in nearly all their photos but it’s hard to see past that they’re singing about things they don’t know. Most of the bands they mimic burnt out before they were born. Which begs the question why they refer to themselves as “modern rock” more than once on their profile page when it’s clearly classic rock they’re playing.

But I feel I’m being harsh on Powerage. They play well and can only improve with such time on their side so if they’re more than competent now it will be fascinating to see where they go from here. There is a worry that a band formed so early in years will only drift apart as the young men find themselves. How many of us still love to do now what we did when we were teenagers? And looking at porn doesn’t count.

At the end of the day though, despite their quality, I find it hard to take a rock band seriously if I feel it inappropriate to say “fuck” around them.

Presentation = 3/5
Content = A nice balance of stuff but maybe too much promo info.
Music = 3.5/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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THE SHEAVES
www.myspace.com/thesheaves

The Sheaves throw up a conundrum to me. I’m new enough to this music review lark, this is only my fifth in a series. Sometimes the band make it easy for me to review them by being utter shit. Others are fun or impressive and I struggle to find the words that can convey the special tight feeling in my pants which they give me. And then there are the likes of The Sheaves. I really don’t know what to make of them.

This group of experienced musicians categorise themselves as “Rock / Alternative / Psychedelic”. Now we don’t get too many bands around here who describe themselves as being psychedelic without a tongue planted firmly in cheek but I can tell that these boys are aiming for that mantle. I would describe them as stoners if I didn’t think the term “hippy” was more appropriate. Now I’m not for a second suggestion that these upstanding men from Tennessee take part in any illegal narcotics but I’d make a bet that their basement smells of incense.

I’ll try listing the positive things and negatives separately.

Positive: They have an unusual sound. They obviously are good musicians. The recording quality of these songs, for an unsigned band, is pretty good. They have up to 5000 plays on some songs so they must have good support. It’s clear that they conduct themselves professionally.

Negative: The lead singer’s voice bugs the hell out of me. Most songs go on too long, by a couple of minutes in some circumstances. Some of the lyrics are a bit too soft rock for me, for example in the song Take Care Of Yourself “check in with your mother when you can”… really?

What’s my conclusion? I have no freaking idea. But I know they’re not for me so at the very least I do know what button to press.

Presentation = 2/5
Content = No videos but a lot of songs. Two playlists worth in fact.
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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JENNI SCHICK
www.myspace.com/jennischick

Ok, so here are the 10 things I’m going to assume/guess/make-up about Jenni from the little information that is presented here.

1) Jenni was known for singing in high school. In fact, she was probably one of the best singers in her school choir (which I also assume she was in).
2) Jenni has probably worn cowboy boots at least once in her life.
3) No-one has ever told Jenni that maybe music isn’t the career for her.
4) Jenni will most likely get upset if she reads this review.
5) I’m going to take a wild stab and say these songs were recorded in her music class or her shower.
6) She was in a long distance relationship.
7) She doesn’t know how to spell “apology”
8) She should really stick to singing classical music.
9) Jenni is probably tired of “schtick” jokes.
10) Jenni will not see me on her friends list.

Presentation = 0/5
Content = Not a lot. I don’t think she knows how to use MySpace too well.
Music = 1/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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BEN PEEL
www.myspace.com/benpeel

Ben Peel is a young man from Bradford, England. He has played in quite a few bands apparently. Six are listed in his “about me” section. I’m always fascinated by the names people choose for their bands and my favourite one that Ben has been in is The Hot Crustacean Band – always a good thing.

The reason why I mention the fact that he is in other bands is because I think he is probably best utilised in a group.

Ben’s music is part-mod, part-Britpop. There is a clear influence from the likes of The Kinks and in equal measure a sound synonymous with bands such as James and The Las. At least, that’s what I’m hearing from it but I guess a lot of Britpop was inspired by the mod generation so it’s not surprising there is a lot of cross-over there. Either way, this sort of thing is right up my alley.

He shows a lot of promise. Simple messages mixed with catchy tunes and a real feeling of that “working class hero” ethos that English northerners have pumping through their veins from birth. Some good music is hampered for me by pretty rough vocals. If I heard Ben Peel singing in the night I would throw a bucket of water over him. This is where I go back to my original idea that Ben Peel might be better suited to being in a band. He’s a good song writer. Has some great concepts for a songs sound but god damn it he needs a better singer.

Which is a shame really because if the singing here was of a better quality, and not even a largely higher quality just a bit better, then I think I might have got much more excited by what I was listening to. Unfortunately my interest was fleeting. However, there are only three songs on parade here. With more I could be convinced otherwise.

I should pop back in after some time and see how Mr. Peel has progressed.

Presentation = 3/5
Content = Not a lot. But it’s early days, the page isn’t even up 6 months yet.
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

-If you dare to have your music ripped apart by a button clicking maniac then just send a friend request to Aaron at www.myspace.com/aaronhbp. As long as his laptop doesn’t decide to commit suicide again you’ll have your music reviewed, for better or worse.

This was supposed to get here two weeks ago. This was also supposed to contain different bands to the ones I review this week. Essentially, nothing has gone right.

Eight months ago I changed from a PC to a Mac. I needed to acquaint myself with Final Cut and my PC at the time was very low spec. Eight months is all it lasted before the hard-drive died. The reason why I’m talking about a laptop in a music review column is because I had written a Musical MySpace article I was particularly proud of, but before I could send it to anyone… well, Apple fucked up. Considering I vowed to review EVERY band that sends me a friend request, you would think I need to go back and write my views on these musicians again, right? Unfortunately, MySpace apparently deletes friend invites after about a month, and despite the fact that I had the band URLs saved in a document, well… I’m boring myself with this already.

Needless to say, if all that information can be retrieved, I will get back to it and publish it here – but in the mean time, I’m still getting friend requests, so I need to review the new batch at the very least. I owe it to them! I owe it to these musicians to tear their hard work apart with snide remarks and poor wit. Where would the world be if I didn’t?

It’s a new year, a new decade, a new way of backing up my files (move it along, Aaron), but bands are still using MySpace as a way of getting noticed. Let’s see if any of them are worth noting.
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ABACAY
www.myspace.com/abacayie

Abacay are the duo of Melany Morganstern and Miles Torrance. I probably won’t be talking about their music much. They make vanilla seem like a party in your mouth. Bland. She can sing ok, I guess, and the music sounds like you’ve heard it before, in an elevator. Or from The Lighthouse Family. Your mum would probably love it.

What interests me most, however, are some of the things on their site page.

First of all, there is a song called “Madonna”, and another named “Moby”. Neither have anything to do with the musicians of the same names, it seems, but this confused me at first when it had the words “Sample” in brackets on the titles. I probably got the wrong end of the stick entirely with the lines “Please, I’m on my knees/ please, Madonna please” too. Oo-err missus!

I got a massive giggle from the little question and answer section on the sidebar. Not just for the broken English (this kind of electro-pop-crap music could only be done by our European brethren) but also for this quote “Are Melany and Miles living together? No. Are they in relationships and will the public get to know more about? Melany and Miles please to repect their privacy.” WOW. Not only have they left the glaring misspelling of “respect” (Aretha would not be pleased) but… WHO THE HELL CARES?

All this does is make me want to find out more about these two. Why did they bother to include such a thing if nothing was going on? What have they got to hide? Who is moving around in the attic? I’m 6 foot, why can’t I dunk in basketball? It’s all madness! Despite it being none of my business and of no real interest, it’s still ten times more fascinating than the music on offer here.

When reviewing musicians for this article, I like to play their songs on loop for a while so I can soak it all in. Not once could I tell the difference between any of these songs – and there are 10 available. It’s musical wallpaper.

Presentation = 3/5
Content = Outside of the bad interview there is nothing outside of the norm
Music = 2/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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FREDDY WILLIAMS
www.myspace.com/dikshunary

Hear me now! It’s gospel-reggae! You can’t beat it. And if you do beat it, you’re going to hell… Or Jamaica. I haven’t decided which, yet.

Freddy Williams, AKA Alantonio Reggae/Soca – I’m not lying it says so in his blurb – has apparently been plying his trade for over 20 years. I’m a little confused by this statement, however, as it also says in his “about me” that he has had a 15 year musical hiatus and has only been performing/recording for 6 years. First off, if you don’t do something for 15 years, it’s not a hiatus anymore. You just stopped doing it. Secondly, if you’ve done something for 6 years, you’re not allowed say that you’ve done it for over 20. That maths just don’t work, even if Jesus likes you. Jesus knew his maths. You had to be good at maths to sort out the loaves and fishes for a large party deal. Get it together.

Freddy seems like a good guy. His songs are full of positive sentiments and melodies. Lots of joy and love is being shared. Good to his Mammy (just listen to his song “Mama’s Love”) and good to his woman (any other song). Just not good to my ears.

It’s not that he’s not likable, in fact he has got that quality in abundance. The problem is that he doesn’t have any originality. If you’ve heard the soundtrack to Cool Runnings, you’ve heard any one of Freddy’s songs. And this is not a slight on reggae music – there is some fantastic stuff out there – it’s just a slight against making stereotypical reggae music. This is like listening to genre by numbers. Steel drums and all.

Presentation = 2/5
Content = Just some music and a lot of bullshit about himself.
Music = 2/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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5 SADOWS
www.myspace.com/5sadows

You know, it’s getting tough to do this. It’s the “about me” section that is getting to me this week. To prove my point regarding what I’m up against here, I’m going to directly quote 5 Sadows:

“5 Sadows were created back on 2003, by Greg, the band started as a cover band, with the name ‘Venus’ back then, covering mostly ‘HIM’ songs. Later Greg and Man P, decided to take the band to the next level with a new name, ‘5 Sadows’, and with a new plan, they started to compose their own songs. The band had a name and some songs, but there was an empty space, the band didn’t had a personal sound, so Greg decided to keep the old fashioned Fuzz distortion pedal and combine it with some Octave, and the band used the Octafuzz distortion pedal as a basic sound for the guitars, but the lyrics were too sentimental for such a noisy guitar sound and Greg decided to use some more melancholic and ominous keyboards. The actual idea behind the band is the dark atmosphere with lyrics that will make people think what is Love and Hate, Life and Death, Dark and Light, and take people to a beautiful journey though the Gardens of ‘5 Sadows’.”

Now, tell me how enthusiastic you are to listen to the songs after reading that shit. If there is one piece of advice I can give to a band, considering I’m not a musician, it’s to keep those things straightforward and honest. Keep the pretension at home, or limit it to what you tell girls at parties to try and impress them. Unfortunately, the music is just as pretentious.

What worries me most, however, is that all the sample songs (he we are with samples again, sigh) have over 850,000 plays each. WHAT THE FUCK?! Really? 5 Sadows are from Athens, Greece and are seemingly a big deal. Who knew? Also, who new Greg was a common name in Greece?

It seems whiney goth rock is just as popular in Greece as the rest of the world. Zeus damn it. I wonder if they get how appropriate “5 Sad-ohs” is as a name.

Presentation = 4/5
Content = Nothing in full, I’m not even sure the words are full, they’re probably also samples.
Music = 2/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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FEMMEPOP
www.myspace.com/femmepop

oooOOOoooo. Interesting.

The current music scene around these parts is littered with female singer/songwriters, from the excellent and Irish Cathy Davey and Lisa Hannigan to Britain’s own Duffy and Adele. Femmepop, or Margaret O’Sullivan as she’s know to her mother, could fight it out with this bunch without any need of a handicap.

Her songs range from the slightly tougher, darker tones of “Good” to lullabies like “Kick”. Her site features quotes attributed to the likes of Hotpress magazine and Phantom radio DJ Edel Coffey. “Kick” also holds my favourite lyric of the week, with “Nothings are getting started”. Simple yet interesting in a lot of ways. A description that can also be used to describe Femmepop as a whole.

If I was to level a complaint, it would be that there is possibly too much sweetness here. The music is jangly and light. Accompany this with a voice that could ice a cake and you can be put on overload. Despite a hint of rockier influences, there is little edge to be found in Femmepop’s songs. There is nothing wrong with that. We need some light to counteract the shit that is available out there, but I think this is the reason why I probably won’t be coming back for seconds.

The problem is that, and especially with the mission I have set myself with this column, sometimes you can find a musician that you can see is talented, that you can tell is enjoyable, and that you could recommend to someone you know, but just isn’t for you. I don’t connect with Femmepop. I don’t relate. But I know a couple of folks who will, so I’ll be passing her name along. Sorry Margaret, this isn’t personal, but I’m clicking the Deny button on you.

Presentation = 3/5
Content = An EP’s worth of songs but no videos or many pictures.
Music = 4/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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THE AIRPLANE GAME
www.myspace.com/theairplanegame

This six piece band from Reno describe themselves as being rock/breakcore/pop-punk. I have no fucking clue what breakcore is. In fact, I have such little knowledge of it I went and wikipedia’d it. “Breakcore is a style of electronic dance music largely influenced by hardcore techno, drum and bass and industrial music that is characterized by its use of heavy kick drums, breaks and a wide pallet of sampling sources, played at high tempos.” Remember kids, every day is a school day.
There are some good elements to The Airplane Game. The have a great drummer, for one. They play well. I was listening a couple of times while multitasking and my foot did tap along. A good sign indeed. The big picture at the top of their page made me smile. Their guitarist Jessie Gonzales has an excellent paedophile moustache (see John Waters), which is always a winner in my book. “Sign Your Pity” is a good song, although that could just be my penchant for crowd participation sing-a-long parts, which this clearly has.

There are a few things I don’t get, though. Why do they need two vocalists? I can understand when a guitarist or bass player will add vocals, but to have two people who only sing seems… unnecessary. None of the songs I’ve heard sounded like they needed that extra person. I don’t see the merit. Especially when they sound SO much like every other singer in their genre. Why must you whine so? Is it required for this form of rock, or just a coincidence? Also, if you can sing, stop screaming at random intervals.

I can’t really tell the songs apart, either. There are some moments from each song that I really like, especially the breaks that I guess make this “breakcore” (by the way, tomorrow in work I’m going to be taking breakcores all day long, no more tea-breaks for me, it’s tea-breakcoring all the way) but if you asked me which song these moments belonged to I would have to look it up.

I guess I missed the boat with this sort of thing. I realize reading back on all this that I sound like an old fart trying to describe The Airplane Game. I’m only 26, but they make me want to shout “darn kids!” every time.

Either that or they’re shit. You know, for the sake of my self esteem, lets just go with that.

Presentation = 3/5
Content = A video, some songs and not too much ranting about themselves.
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

-If anyone would like to be a part of Aaron’s Musical MySpace Tour just send him a friend request over at www.myspace.com/aaronhbp. Be warned, he’s a cantankerous man and will most likely make fun of you.

For those outside of Great Britain and Ireland, we here just recently saw the final of a TV talent show called X-Factor, the winner of which is guaranteed to now have the number one single this Christmas (the song by the way is a cover of a Miley Cyrus track). I say talent competition–more accurately, it’s a singing competition much in the same style as American/Autralian/Afghanistanian/Whereverthehellyou’refromian Idol. This comparison is not surprising as they’re all from the same brain: Simon fucking Cowell. I read a fantastic quote recently about him in an article about the last decade and I’ll pass it on here: “In the 1960s, The Beatles, Bob Dylan, The Beach Boys, et al, transformed pop from the lowest-common-denominator business into an art form. It took only one man to reverse the process.”

After being completely immersed in this spectacle for the last few months, and after being so bloody disappointed in the world because of how it’s all turned out, you could forgive me for being a little disheartened when I sat down to write this latest column update.

I needed something, anything, to make me believe in music again. Actually that’s harsh. There is still plenty of good music out there. But it’s pop music that I miss most of all.
I grew up listening to Motown and The Beatles. When girl groups didn’t have to be pretty or sexy to sing they just had to be able to sing brilliantly. And they did. Frank Sinatra wasn’t a looker. Nobody had to vote via text or phone call to choose the lead singer of The Temptations. You just needed a great song to be number one, it didn’t matter what demographic you were marketed to. Maybe I’m being naive, or maybe I’m just tired of how transparent the industry has become.

The reason why I bring this all up is that I want to world to know my faith has been renewed a little bit after sitting down to write this article. My day just got a little bit nicer. I found at least one band here who makes me want to turn on the radio. Sometimes MySpace gives you exactly what you need.
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THE BLACK TRIANGLE
www.myspace.com/theblacktriangle

I was surprised to see a band who set up their page in September to have over 5000 views. They only have two songs uploaded and one of those is an instrumental. So why the popularity?

The music is decent. I get a taste of grunge rock. The song “Fall For The Placement” wouldn’t be out of place on the soundtrack for The Crow or something similar. Nothing blows me away but it seems competent and respectable in comparison to some of the stuff we’ve come by here before.

Then, on closer inspection, it all seems to make sense. The Black Triangle formed from ex-members of Bambi and (most notably) Future Kings of Spain. The latter group were huge here in Ireland. Probably wouldn’t be known outside of the island but for a long time they were the rock darlings on the gig circuit.

Can this new band bounce back to the sort of heights that they’ve become accustomed to with their previous groups? Who knows. With only two songs to listen to it’s hard to get anything concrete from this. It’s listenable. It certainly seems close to professional. But to try and make a firm decision from such little evidence is a fool’s game.

I think I’ll pop back again in a couple of months to see how they’re getting on. I’m not going to add them now, but I’m not ruling it out in the future.

Presentation = 2/5
Content = Not nearly enough but it’s early days
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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THE AGENCY
www.myspace.com/theagencyrocks

How have I not heard of these guys before?

Sure, they’re French, so that’s probably a stumbling block for me to come by them but this is so up my alley they should have changed the myspace url to www.myspace.com/heyAarontheagencyrockscheckthemout.

Two parts 1960s beach pop, one part electro outfit and with very few “indie cool” style points, this four piece are a nice breath of fresh air in the modern market. I respect anyone who can make a pop tune as catchy as “Significant” but to throw in the “weeeee” (listen and you’ll know what I’m talking about) proves that they don’t take themselves too seriously either.

One of my favourite tracks isn’t in their playlist but is one of the two live videos presented. “Mystery” presents me with a couple of facts. 1) I really want to see them live now. 2) They know how to harmonize. A lost art which I mourn on a daily basis. 3) They play small venues.

If you have a chance, I implore you to check them out. They genuinely have made me excited and if we can change their label from “unsigned” to “Major” then there will be justice in the world and I can sleep well tonight.

It’s strange, if they were terrible I could fill a page with all the things that annoy me, but when I find a good one like this I lose the words. It’s lucky I don’t find too many then isn’t it?

Presentation = 4/5
Content = Some fun remixes and enough to keep you occupied for at least half an hour.
Music = 5/5
Friend Request = ACCEPTED!

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ALIEN KEYES
www.myspace.com/alienkeyes

To sum a lot of this up I would point to the part of the page where it says “Sounds Like:” The response from Alien Keyes? “Fuck You”. And to be honest I don’t think I can sum this up any clearer. They sound like fuck you.

This is… hardcore thrash experimental… dance? I have no idea. I get the impression that these guys don’t want to be liked though. That they’re trying to make the most inaccessible noise they could think of. They’re totally nonconformist. “We’re, like, blowing people’s mundane minds, man.” Or just taking the piss. One or the other.

With songs like “Bitches On My Dick” and “John Hughes (Don’t You Forget About Him)” I was hoping that they would have some humour which could at the very least make this interesting but the only song mildly worth trying is “Three Mile Island.”

I’d give a more in depth review but to do so would be defeating the purpose. They don’t crave my acceptance. I guess that’s the point.

Presentation = 1/5
Content = An average amount of songs and two nice pictures. That’s it.
Music = 0/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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LOVERS AND LIARS
www.myspace.com/loversandliarsrock

After the success of the last band who put “rock” in their url I entered this with a positive outlook. This worked to their benefit because if I came across this page in a bad mood I would be a lot harsher than I’m going to be now.

If you read the blurb about themselves on their page you’ll see that in almost every sentence they refer to how different they are from other rock bands–and to a small degree this is true. Other bands might not whisper in every song instead of sing. Other bands wouldn’t have the name Lovers and Liars… This is all I can guess.

They’re not a bad band either. They’re just total try-hards. And if you don’t know what I mean by that statement I will try to explain myself. You know that guy you knew growing up who didn’t really wear anything but jeans and a t-shirt but now that same guy wears skinny tight trousers and red shirts with a waistcoat because they’re so hot right now. I kind of get that vibe from ‘L+L’.

If I was a teenage girl of about fourteen I’d be all over this shit. I’m sure fourteen-year-old girls of the world already are. There are some good melodies here and it honestly sounds radio-ready. Their song “Holding On To Nothing” would probably be the best example of their work. Pleasant but the lyrics are too earnest for me.

How I managed to get through this without using the word “Emo-Fodder” I’ll never know.
But do yourself a favour. If you fancy a laugh listen to “T-Pain’s Tribute to Lovers and Liars” on their playlist. I had to change underwear afterwards.

Presentation = 3/5
Content = Loads of pictures and songs but too much self promotion.
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

Since my first Musical MySpace Tour article a couple of weeks back my friend requests have upped in speed. They have not, however, upped in quality. I think this is the poisoned chalice of the experiment. There is going to be a lot of crap to wade through before you can get to the diamonds. I’m indeed energised by the poor souls who have offered themselves to be criticised though. I wonder at what point I’ll be getting hate mail.

Anyway, lets get the show on the road. As before, the bands who I subject to my harsh musings here all tried to add me as a friend over at www.myspace.com/aaronhbp. Only bands who send these requests to me will be reviewed. It’s the name of the game!
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GERARD DALTON
www.myspace.com/gerarddalton

Apparently the guy singing at every wedding I’ve been to got himself a MySpace page.

It’s hard to say a bad word about Mr. Dalton.

You can tell by his singing style that he has a fondness for the cabaret/big band genre of music. His music is genuinely pleasant. His song’s seem to be written with love. This is a grown man putting his music out in the world.

It’s really hard to say a bad word about Mr. Dalton. But I’ll do it anyway.

This is dire. The vocals are all over the place. The music is sloppy. This is exactly what you would hear in a hotel bar on a Tuesday night. He’s a grey velvet suit away from Vegas.

The song’s lyrics are really generic. Dalton’s protest song, “A Simplified Solution”, is laughingly preachy without actually making a point other than “the world is a bit shit really, we should, like, do something about that”. I’m quoting him when I say “we cannot tolerate a simplified solution” well I can’t tolerate this. It’s painfully simple.

I feel bad thrashing this. It feels like I’m taking pot shots at someone’s nice uncle.
However, I have to be honest. This is terrible.

Presentation = 1/5
Content = Quite a few song’s and too many pictures of himself
Music = 1/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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GRAYSON
www.myspace.com/graysonau

Do you remember Pugwall? It was a TV show in the late 80s in Australia. A teenager and his friends were in a band. They would sings songs about their days and what happened in that or a previous episode. Grayson is also an Australian native and his song “Stand Clear” may have been written by Pugwall’s Orange Organics. It’s naff. Laughable in a lot of ways, especially considering he uses a recording of a bus. Seriously, a bus. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m happy for you but give it a listen. Any Irish person will recognise it.

Outside of that things get better, but not much. This is mostly weak pop musings. The 80s feel carries on. I can imagine him wearing a beret and rolled up sleeves. His actual look is a kind of ginger hobo thing. Friendly, but you’d expect him to scab a cigarette from you outside a pub.

To the guy’s credit, he sounds almost exactly like Savage Garden (which were not my cup of tea but were huge for a while… and Australian, go figure) so I’m sure he’ll appeal to a few people. My biggest qualm though is that his lyrics are too obvious. I like it when musicians draw from their life, it’s something that can both help you relate to and “dig” a song. Brendan Benson is an example of someone who can tell you a story about his day in his songs masterfully. However, when the rhyming scheme is as simple as it is here and when he keeps referring to being stuck in Dublin as an Australian… in every song, we get it.

At least his photographer is decent.

Presentation = 4/5
Content = A respectable amount of songs, but needs at least a video
Music = 2/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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THE BEAT POETS
www.myspace.com/beatpoets

If you read the blurbs on The Beat Poets’ page you would get the impression that this Belfast quartet are made for big things. NME, Hot Press etc all have a great word to say. They’ve even had support slots with some good bands such as Sonic Youth and The Chemical Brothers (which seems an odd match). Accordingly, they must be brilliant, right?

There is some quality here. The biggest stand out being Staring Stars Down. It also seems to be the only song that is presented in its entirety as all the others are clipped down in the player. I hate such miserly moves from small bands. From any band, actually. If you put a song on MySpace, put the whole thing up!

After a few listens this does grow on you but I don’t see the hype being justified. It’s all too familiar. Nothing really stands out from anything I’ve heard before. If someone told me these were Kasabian songs, or The Music, or countless others I’d believe it.

Maybe their appeal is in their live performance and this is something that can be hard to capture in recordings. Indeed there are a few bands that I personal consider myself a fan of that just don’t sound the same on CD as they do in a venue. But a good performance can also cover a lot of flaws in songs and so this could be the ugly truth of the matter here.

At the end of the day, The Beats Poets could be worse, yet they could be better too.

On a side note, what is it with people walking away from camera? Their EP cover is the umpteenth picture I’ve seen of someone walking away on a MySpace profile. Keep walking!

Presentation = 4/5
Content = 4 songs is not enough, one video is good to have, too many quotes makes me leave.
Music = 3/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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NATURAL CORRUPTION
www.myspace.com/naturalcorruption

My first impression when I click the page is, well, not good. The “myspacemaster” layout doesn’t fill you with confidence. Let that be a message to all bands out there. If you’re going to put a background on your page, make it yourself. Everyone has at least one friend who can do it for them if you don’t know how. Seriously, even if you’re not a professional band you need to at least pretend and make it look like you are.

The pictures aren’t exactly impressive either. As you can see by the one I chose here, these guys are DUDES. If the only seat in the bar was beside them, I’d stand. It says in the usual place that Natural Corruption are from Long Beach/Queens. I don’t know about the Queens part but they definitely look like they’ve spent a lot of time on a beach drinking beer.

The thing is, despite the fact that they have all these things going against them… I kind of like this.

It reminds me of a lot of stuff I would listen to in my early teens. That testosterone fueled music that is part ska, part metal, part whatever they listened to that week sort of mess.

Don’t get me wrong, it is a total mess. But it’s also fun. It’s played well despite the low grade recordings and you can hear the sweat engrained in everything from playing countless tiny venues, I’m sure. Baby Stay would be the highlight of the offerings here. It’s also the lightest of the songs too, maybe there is something in that.

It’s most likely only the nostalgia clouding my judgement but I feel like there is an honesty in the type of garage band that Natural Corruption is. They’re never going to “make it”. The music simply isn’t good enough. But if they were playing in a bar when I arrived, I’d stay. So maybe if you ever catch them in the same scenario you will too.

I wouldn’t be caught dead with them in my friends list, though.

Presentation = 2/5
Content = 4 songs again but this time it’s probably enough to give you more than you need
Music = 2/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

Hello, and welcome to the first of what will hopefully be a regular-ish column. My name is Aaron Poole, and you may (but mostly likely may not) recognise that name from a podcast called Cabin Fever on this very site. You also may have read some of my articles on NeedCoffee.com. But most importantly, you may recognise me from www.myspace.com/aaronhbp.

If you’re a musician or in a band and have tried to add me as a friend, you have inspired this column.

Whether you think MySpace is an out of date social networking site or think it’s the Daddy of them all, you can’t argue with the sheer volume of music available on the behemoth.

Over the years I have been constantly inundated with spam requests from people, and in a lot of ways it has been an adventure. I have found some gems who I now spend money to see and hear – and also some duds which had me nearly break my mouse clicking the ignore button. In fact, it’s been such a journey that I have now decided to share it with the rest of you.

So I am going to fully review every band that sends me a friend request. For better or for worse (and let’s face it, they’re going to be mostly shite) they’re going to get a moment in the spotlight. Some will sweat under the pressure and others may shine.

The following are the friend requests I received in the month of September.

MySpace is dead, long live MySpace.
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NCCO1
www.myspace.com/ncco1

Wow, I don’t know where to begin with this one. I’m still not sure this really is classed as music. He (and this is the fault of one man) classes his stuff as “Experimental / Classical / Electronica”. At the very least, he got the experimental bit right, emphasis on the mental.

Everything sounds like it’s the background music in one of those artsy plays that your friend keeps inviting you to but you’re running out of excuses for not attending. Sounds of sand being brushed and chattering teeth are played over the long, so long, out-of-tune notes that some drugged up hippy is playing on an oboe.

l Satiro Danzante is the closest thing to a melody the guy presents in the 10 offerings on his page. It has a full and rich sound and can be both tense and impressive in parts but at 11 minutes and 23 seconds you’d be forgiven for not caring by the end of it

While obviously gifted (it’s hard to make such a racket without actually having skill), this is not accessible stuff.

Now, it would be harsh of me to pan this man completely, as he’s not trying to play to the common denominator. A perusal of the page shows that this is all meant for art exhibitions. Never has the word “installation” been used so much on a myspace page (thankfully, the page is easy to read and laid out well). So at the very least I will accept that this just isn’t for me. May be for you… but I doubt it.

Presentation = 3/5
Content = Lots!
Music = 1/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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TIME IS A THIEF
www.myspace.com/timeisathiefband

College bands are fun, aren’t they? They always have a decent melody, some rolling guitar riffs, and plenty of opportunities to shout in synchronicity and marvel at how young and bloody awesome they all are. How stupid are old people, right? Conforming? Not for us, sir!

Problem is, I’m not in college anymore, and have grown past that age of needing to be in that clique, so I can judge this stuff in a fair and balanced way…

The first thing that pisses me off about this shite is the blandness of it all. Sure, there is an attitude there, but that attitude has been watered down by years of commercialized pandering to the masses, controlled by recording contracts and music execs. To a certain extent I have no qualms with that when it comes to signed bands. They knew what they were getting into when they signed that dotted line. They’re driving home in their shiny cars and are comfortable with the decisions they made. What irks me, however, is the fact that the music trickles down and influences new generations of musicians and kids in garages to rock in a very controlled and styled way; making it lack any sort of sincerity in hopes of sounding “polished” and “professional”.

This is not rock and roll. No matter what the myspace label may say.
On a personal level, and my biggest stumbling block with Time Is A Thief, is that they don’t sound Irish. The band, half of which used to play in a Rage Against The Machine tribute band, hails from Cork, Ireland. It’s not just the fact that the lead singer (Adam Carroll) sings with an American accent. It’s more about how both lyrically and musically there is nothing in these songs which speaks from a local perspective. They have a song called “Juror No. 3” which offers nothing other than the plot-line of an episode for Law and Order. There is little in the way of heartfelt emotions in here – and if there is, TIAT is having major problems conveying them.

Unfortunately, at the end of the day, Time Is A Thief spend too much time trying to sound cool like their favourite bands instead of concentrating on creating that oh so out of reach wonder – namely music with soul.

Presentation = 4/5
Content = A couple of songs and links to other social networking sites of theirs.
Music = 2/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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The Frequency
www.myspace.com/thfrequency

LAME.

Seriously? You’ve been a member of myspace since 06/05/08 and you still haven’t gotten yourself a background picture? More than two songs? More than 282 profile views? More than 3 pictures?

Christ, I have more than that and I’m not in a band. Maybe I should be. I could write better crap than this too.

AVOID.

Presentation = 0/5
Content = You’d get more from the back of a postcard
Music = 1/5
Friend Request = DENIED!

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BriBry Is Sky High
www.myspace.com/bribryisskyhigh

Admittedly not a Friend Request, but I received an invite to an event from this stranger, and in the wonderful world of the internet and myspace this means he is now on my radar.

The Dublin native Brian O’Reilly plays with a bunch of friends under the title BriBry Is Sky High, and is releasing some material on iTunes on September 26th, it appears. And you know what?, I wouldn’t mind catching this guy live.

Young and leaning towards the oh-so-fashionable London indie troopers has not faded the message, this kid has charm.

“A Poem I’ll Sing Out Loud” is the highlight of his output offered here. In fact, I think it would do well as a mainstream single. Provoking memories of THAT song by Plain White T’s but not nearly as sickly, there is real heart played out in the lullaby-esque melody.

The only complaint I have is that the 4 songs available for listening are not enough. They have given me a taste for what this kid can offer, but I’d be fascinated to hear more so my opinion can become fleshed out.

I’m really impressed by “Astronauts”, too. A cold, torn song bleeding out with frustration. As chilling as it is bittersweet.

A perusal of the videos offered remind me instantly of Fionn Regan. Now, I’m not for a second comparing the talent of such a genius to BriBry Is Sky High, but if he’s not an influence of this kid then I’ll personally let BriBry Is Sky High come slap me in the face.

I think I’m smitten.

Presentation = 3/5
Content = Average, a couple of songs and a couple of videos
Music = 4/5
Friend Request = ACCEPTED!