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“The Real Miracle on 34th Street”

T’was two weeks before Christmas,
When all through the nation,
Former UPN outlets…
Showed a true aberration.

The street was the same,
But it wasn’t as good.
This Miracle’s color -
And no Natalie Wood.

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Look! There’s David Hartman
Of the old G.M.A.
And Jane Alexander…
Who once ran N.E.A.

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All the character actors…
Do I see Roddy McDowall?
And as Mr. Shellhammer,
None other than Thurston Howell!

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And the big man in red
May have been a real mensch.
But he’s sure not Kris Kringle.
He’s Brian Keith’s butler named French.

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If you look past the color,
You’ll see something quite lyrical.
It’s not about Santa’s mail,
But, I’d still call it a miracle.

For, up to that moment,
It was safe to assume…
Messrs. Doyle and Bosley
Were never in the same room.

The same roundish tummy.
The same roundish pan.
I’m not the first to believe
Dave and Tom the same man.

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And to make things confusing
While Bosley was Fonzie’s foil.
On the very same network,
The Angels’ Bosley was Doyle.

For your comic relief,
And 70’s ABC fun…
Two lovable cherubs.
Or was there just ONE?

Is there a Bosley?
And ALSO a Doyle?
Which of these guys
Is according to Hoyle?

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For an answer to this
Grand contradiction…
Look no further than this
Ersatz “Miracle” depiction.

On the bench sat Judge Tom
In Kringle’s hearing for fitness.
David Hartman called Macy.
And, in walked the witness.

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The courtroom door opened…
And I gasped, at a loss.
David Doyle took the stand
As Kris Kringle’s boss.

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There they were for a moment,
Although it was brief.
It was more than sufficient
To debunk a belief.
When the movie was over,
I could hear all exclaim…
Merry Christmas to all
From Bosleys one and the same.

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