NEW YORK CITY – Am I a slacker with no shame? 

When female friends saw that title given to me on The Today Show, they were very upset. “They wouldn’t call a woman a slacker for doing what you do” was a constant complaint. And many friends said I wasn’t a complete slacker since I’m always working an angle. But isn’t working a bigger angle, the key to being a slacker? What’s a more slacker moment then working for the Today Show during a local shoot with Katie Couric and joking with the producer that someday I’ll be featured on the show?

I don’t mind being called a Slacker since I was a slacker when Richard Linklater was working on an oil platform. What makes me a slacker? Perhaps it’s because my 401K plan involves scratch and win tickets. Maybe it’s the fact that my resume contains more bankrupt companies than George W Bush’s career? Probably it’s because I don’t give a crap about making the Fortune 500. Mostly it’s cause I’m willing to make fun of the rich and powerful on Fox News. Ask Jack Welch if he likes my letters to Neil Cavuto.

And you may ask how can I not care about my retirement? Just look at all those Delta Pilots about to get sodomized as the company destroys their pension plan? Why should I buy into a fraud scheme? Wouldn’t it do me better to invest my cash in Chicago Cub World Series 2006 Champions merchandise? There’s nothing safe about the future so what’s the point of planning ahead for it? You’re gonna get screwed. All planning ahead does is make you work twice as hard when the time comes around.

You buy a house and figure it’ll last you for the rest of your life. And you live there for 40 years. Then the city decides that they want a McDonald’s Strip Mall on your property so they kick your ass off the land and pay you peanuts. And the Supreme Court says your screwed. And you discover that in the end, you can only afford to stay at a crappy condo in a crackhouse. Where’s your future now? What’s the point of caring?

I’ve spent enough time in old age homes. Let me tell you, have fun now while your knees still bend without pain. Enjoy the now.  Screw sucking up to assholes because soon you’ll be totting your own oxygen cannister. Live like a frickin’ human and not be steered like a dogmatic sheep. Don’t follow daily marching orders. Try to figure out what works best for you. The greatest words you may ever tell someone you don’t like is “I don’t need your shit. Goodbye.” Cause you don’t. And if another people tell these assholes to go fuck off, they might realize that people don’t like them no matter how powerful they are. Remember when you’re on your way up, you need to be nice to these people because these are the same people that might kick your ass in a dark alley. If you can’t be happy at least be smug.

I hope I didn’t come off as smug on that show. Cause I’m happy. The freakiest thought I had while watching myself and my wife on TV was that we were the only happy people during that timeslot that didn’t have to overcome a terrible situation. I kissed my wife twice and it wasn’t done to  get the folks at home to vote online for us to win a free wedding. I was happy just to be happy.

Although I wasn’t happy about Matt Lauer’s rant about hanging out in expensive coffeeshops. Not once did I talk about coffee. I don’t even drink coffee – I’m addicted to Big K’s Citrus Drop. I was preparing to go Tom Cruise on Lauer. i was going to buy a plane ticket and be hanging out with those two guys that lean against the fence at 30 Rock. And then I’d say, “Matt Lauer, You don’t know the history of coffeeshops! I do!” In fact I had a fling with a cute barista that worked at Cup of Joe. She got more than cup of this Joe. The strange thing was her sweat was caffeinated. But why don’t I hang out in coffeeshops after such a positive moment? A few years later, I was supposed to go out with an Australian barista gal, but before we could work out a date, she got knocked up by a yardgnome of a guy that was sleeping on her sofa after he got dumped by his ex-girlfriend. It’s such a painful memory that for months I couldn’t smell roasted beans without crying. Luckily all that now is a foolish lifestory because I have a wonderful wife who doesn’t mind me kissing her on morning television. She doesn’t like coffee.

Campbell Brown seemed to like the concept of a stay at home husband who wasn’t going to unload his work funk on her shoulders. I think she was hip to finding a Joe Corey for her condo. Did I already mention that I think it is foolish that the Today Show is importing Meredith Vieira? Campbell does a great job as a fill-in. And I’m not saying that because she defended me to Lauer. Although that helps. What was the point in bringing in Meredith? What happened to fresh faces in the morning? Did Jane Pauley spend a decade jabbering with Starzilla? Meredith is old enough for Willard Scott to wish her a happy birthday. And she will still be hosting Millionaire. But NBC wants to play it safe by grabbing a big name instead of introducing America to a new sunrise pal.

I did get a little unnamed source action from the Today Show. Remember my rant about how NBC needs to keep David Gregory down in D.C. to be a pitbull in the White House Press corp instead of using him to pinch hit for Lauer? Turns out that it is Gregory that demands the gig. Gregory needs to choose between being a morning goofball or a nightly journalist. He also needs to lay off visits with Don Imus. A little mystique is nice in a career. That’s why I don’t appear on reality TV. I like to control the angles. You’ve seen my wall of DVDs, but you don’t know the titles.

And for those of you who missed my moment in the sun, it’s all here at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TX4GRxVFYWE

ZITSTEASE

Brooke Shields is now pitching ProActiv for her acne. Will Tom Cruise get on her case for using drugs to get rid of zits? Will Tom announce that Matt Lauer doesn’t understand the history of pimples?

SPRAY THE GALS

I’ve noticed on body spray ad with Nick Lachey getting checked out by the ladies as he clicks away that there’s not a single bright, bouncy blond in the pack. Was that by design or fear of a lawsuit? Did he want to avoid being on the prowl for a Jessica Simpson clone? Or having to worry about Joe Simpson hitting on his new girlfriend?

I have decided to write a book called How to Make Your Marriage Last Longer than Nick and Jessica. I can safely make such a claim since mine has outlasted their vows. Here’s just a little hint: Don’t have reality show crews in your house at all hours.

JAYNE FEVER

When did going to the movies turn into “Meatless Fridays?” Sure there’s a charm to some of the theatrical twigs, but I like my women like my shampoo – Full Bodied! And thankfully Fox has put out the Jayne Mansfield Collection. She was an actress who didn’t mind playing up the sex kitten to keep your eyeballs on the screen. The set contains The Girl Can’t Help It and Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter? These two classic films were directed by Frank Tashlin, a former Looney Tunes guy who went into the world of live action. Mansfield is almost a cartoon the way she jiggles across the screen. The films deal with the worlds of rock music and advertising. Girl Can’t Help It features performances from Little Richard, Fats Domino, Gene Vincent, Eddie Cochran and Julie London. The Sheriff of Fractured Jaw is a slight comic western that is best known for being the first Western made in Spain thus becoming the birth of the Spaghetti Western.

It’ll be great when Hollywood decides to bring the boobs back on the screen and not hire them to work in the executive suites. The biggest plus for this collection is the A&E Biography is uncensored. So you get to see the big highlights from Jayne’s Promises! Promises!

SEXYBUTT?

Is Justin Timberlake really bringing “SexyBack?” This song sounds like it was stolen from an old Nintendo game soundtrack. Shouldn’t I be shooting Space Invaders while listening to the song? Strange that he would say that he had Lance Bass’s back when his old boybander declared he was gay. Is Justine howling about Lance’s SexyBack?

You know who is bringing Sexyback? Roxy Music. They’re returning with a whole new album. You want sexy? Put Avalon on the cd player. Music as smooth as your date’s undergarments.

Justin’s record might be sexy if your date is tone deaf.

There was a recent report that kids with sexually oriented songs on their iPods are more likely to have sex. When I was a big prog rock fan, I never got laid.  My bed was pretty empty when I had In the Court of the Crimson King on the turntable. During my English prog rock years, the nookie jar was empty. If you want your kids to hear “No” when asking for sex, buy them Yes’ Tales From Topographic Oceans. Soon as I moved beyond Emerson Lake and Palmer, it was like a bathing in Axe bodyspray. Ladies were all over me. Even though I’m married, I still keep my old prog rock albums hidden for fear of being cut off by the wife after she hears Tarkus.

SCREW THE EMMYS

I’m not too big of fan of Emmy awards . It’s all politics and popularity with this voting body. What’s amazing is how many great shows go without getting any major nominations. You can forgive the Oscars and the Grammys for blowing it because they are about one shot projects. Some films don’t have complete impact until a year or two after they’re released. But TV shows? They go on for years. So even if the Emmy goofs overlook a show in its first season or two, you’d expect they’d catch on by season three. So I ponder why shows like Oz, The Wire and Queer As Folk get shafted by these alleged voters? There’s so many great performers on these shows and they get zippo respect. How else do they explain Ellen Bursytn getting an Emmy nomination for being on the screen for 11 seconds? She gets Best Supporting actress for 11 seconds?

I’m thankful for the internet age because I’m not tempted to watch the show. I can just click over to E!’s website and check on who has won. And I can sit back and watch something worthy of my attention like reruns of Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels.

So while the Mediatric clones want to hype up these alleged awards, you should ignore them. The only good thing about winning an Emmy is that you can use the trophy to kill an intruder. It is not a child-safe award.

GENE’S BALLS

I’ve seen the first two episodes of Gene Simmons: Family Jewels and it was somewhat entertaining for a family reality show. Gene’s a major prick. He’s too goofy around his kids, sleazy around bimbos and vicious around industry folks to be embraced. I’d love to Gene hang out with my dad for a day. Not that it would be major entertainment. But it could turn into a Highlander competition for jerky dads.

For all Gene’s talk about liking to hook up with other women – which is the reason he refuses to marry Shannon Tweed, we’ve yet to see him disappear into a hotel room with a Hooters girl. I’m waiting for the moment that the daughter can’t reach dad’s cellphone while the camera shows a locked hotel room door. Is he going to be all talk about being able to seek pleasure with other women?

The show itself has two major things going for it. Son Nick Simmons is an amazing comic talent. He’s so comfortable playing himself on camera that he’s allowed to riff off his father without hesitation. It also helps that he might be the tallest TV son since Chip Cunningham on Happy Days. The second thing is that instead of solo interviews, they have at least two family members on the sofa talking about an issue. It’s good to see the reaction of other family members. Nick’s golden moment comes when he’s stuck on the sofa with Gene in full Kiss makeup. The son pleads for home viewers to adopt him away from his demon dad.

Worse comes to weird, Nick can expect a call from The Surreal Life. Not sure about his band breaking it big. Doesn’t help that Gene stole Nick Simmons and the Electric Chairs from Wayne/Jayne County and the Electric Chairs. There’s a feud going on now between Gene and Jayne. Jayne’s already pissed because her first band’s name was Jayne County and the Backstreet Boys. Although in Jayne’s case, Backstreet Boy was meant as a gay sex moppet nickname.

Will Gene and his crew make us forget the Osbournes? That’s a hard trick since the Osbournes were a walking disaster zone. Gene is too much in control. I do have to wonder why a guy with a band and custom built house doesn’t have a soundproof practice space/studio. And why his office desk doesn’t have a computer? How does Gene keep instant track of how many Kiss coffins have been sold in Japan?

BEHIND THE SCENES TYPING

For those of you wondering what I was typing in the Today Show piece, here it is:

What more can I ask for? How about those tickets to the Playboy Mansion? Although I’m probably still on the list for insisting that Hef has Ozzy’s control problems. And what’s up with this year’s Ozzfest turning into a craptaculatr? When I saw the tour,  it was Sabbath and Judas Priest and even Slip Knot – this year it’s a bunch of bands that I wouldn’t sell to my mother’s aunt for yardwork. Ick. Now the camera is up on my face and

SLIP ONS

The shot in Christina Aguilera’s “Ain’t No Other Man” where she puts on her high heels needs to go in the shoe fetish hall of fame.

NAKED TRAVEL

Now I can’t pack toothpaste in my carry on bag for plane flights? We should just show up at the airport naked and be forced to buy all new clothes at our destination.

PISS ON PARIS

Did I not predict that I could win the Tour De France with a bottle of clean urine? I enjoyed watching the X Games last week because half of the commentary on the events wasn’t taken up by discussions of doping and waiting for the winners to piss before they can talk to the press. Granted half of the people competing for X Games’ Gold couldn’t pass a piss test to get a job a 7-Eleven. But who cares? I want to see some death defying twirls. And Party Favors wishes Dave Mirra a speedy recovery from lacerating his liver. Isn’t that something that happens from drinking too much Goldschlager?

 

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